Help! I think my teen son might actually be a vampire

When will he leave his room?
When will he leave his room? Photo: Shutterstock

Parents of teens everywhere would relate to this mum who is convinced her son is an actual vampire. It's an understandable concern. 

She took to parenting forum Mumsnet to ask other mums if it was normal for her teen to transform into the mythical creature who lurks in the darkness.

"DS (darling son) is 14 and appears to be allergic to daylight," she wrote.

"He'd happily spend his whole life in his bedroom, blinds closed, no light on…ever!"

She went on to say he "speaks a strange language" that only his other teen vampire friends understand, and he smells bad.

"I swear he actually hissed at me this morning when I turned his light on to wake him for school!" she said.

"Did I actually spawn a creature or is this usual?"

And you know what? It's normal.

"Quite often the teenage vampire will also exist only on a diet of bread and sweets and Nando's, McDonald's/some other shite," one person wrote.


"I have one of those. I like to dramatically enter the room and fling open the curtains whereby he will dramatically clutch his throat and hiss and croak writhing slowly toward the floor. His bedroom has two scent settings. Lynx and Gag. Both are awful," said another.

While this person had a big warning: "I remember my brother being like this. (And he ended up being an accountant, so you do have to be very very careful)."

And what is the putrid smell?

"I think it's a combination of sweat, cheesy sweaty feet/socks/trainers and – er – dirty tissues/stiffened socks," said one person.

"What amazes me is the way Lynx, liberally applied by a teenager can reach every single corner of even the largest house!" said another.

This pretty much sums it up: "A friend once told me her teenage sons' rooms smelled of livestock and entitlement".

And don't be fooled into thinking it's only boys who are filthy. Girls, known as 'mermaids' because they spend most of their time wearing very little and lurking in the bathroom, also live like animals.

"My oldest has a floordrobe, a collection of kitchen stuff with strange things growing in them and an inability to put anything in the b****y bin," said one person.

"Girls' rooms get MESSY. Clothes everywhere (except in the wardrobe), books and gadgets on and under the bed, used plates/cups in the corners, empty water or fizzy bottles in a pile…and if you say anything, they will scream that you are hurting their self-esteem," said another parent.

But it's ok, they will grow out of it.

"It's just a chrysalis phase. Give him a few years and he'll pop out a half decent human who's discovered washing under armpits is advisable for attracting the opposite sex," one mum said.

"When my son finally left home, I ripped out everything in his room because I could still smell him. Despite this, the smell never went away – he is now nearly 40, a great dad and husband, cooks like a dream, and has a wonderful job – they do grow out of it eventually!!!"

But for now, parents just need to put up with the grunting and one-sided conversations with their smelly, light adverse, headphone wearing teens.