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As far as pop culture debates go, the unending speculation over who should inherit the iconic mantle of Sean Connery, the other guy, Roger Moore, the other guy, the other guy and Daniel Craig as cinema's next James Bond is among the more tiresome.
Martini-shakers trip over their Dr No swim shorts (trust me, they're real) to passionately argue about which Hollywood star best personifies the character's clear-cut qualities: the "old-school" womanising charm, the determined intensity, the beige suits, the ability to jump across poorly-laid roof tiling and garrotte an Eastern European.
Like many, I'd rather fall into a shark-infested pool than read another piece on which toff should take over the character's cufflinks. Luckily for me, I'm writing this and will never read it. You, my poor reader, are my play-mouse, at the whim of the wily words I toil. I can make you read anything right now: stroganoff. Stroganoff is a word I just put into your head. Ah, such maniacal power, like a Blofeld. And so, James Bond.
With Craig's final turn as the suave spy set to hit cinemas in 2020, suggestions have circled along like a sushi train: Richard Madden, from the BBC's The Bodyguard, has suddenly become the accepted favourite, stealing the shine from perennial names such as Tom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston and Idris Elba.
But this week, another unlikely star threw his hat into the ring: our own Thor of Byron Bay, Chris Hemsworth.
"I don't think you'll ever meet anyone who doesn't want to have a crack at James Bond. I'd love to do it," Hemsworth told fitness publication Balance. He went on to suggest his performance in the 2013 racing car film Rush – in which he played late playboy formula one driver, James Hunt – was his audition for the part.
"When we were shooting Rush, someone had [suggested Bond] and I thought, 'Cool, if this is my audition tape, then great'" he said. "But that's up to so many elements and is way beyond myself; it's not one you can pitch yourself on to, either."
I've never heard a better casting idea. For starters, Australians are great at James Bond. Despite what stupids suggest, George Lazenby easily remains the best Bond, in the best Bond film, 1969's On Her Majesty's Secret Service - the one with the brainwashed mod-killers, the extended skiing antics and the closing strains of Louis Armstrong's tragically ironic We Have All the Time in the World. British types have had their time in the role, and all they've given it is pocket kerchiefs.
Also, as he's shown in underappreciated bit-parts in Vacation and Ghostbusters, Hemsworth has the winking comic chops to incite some classic levity into the franchise, after the bloody, brutal saga that's characterised Craig's run. Audiences once scoffed at Pierce Brosnan's ability to commandeer a tank through the streets of St Petersburg without misplacing a hair or scuffing his crisp white shirt, but surely Craig performing his own bullet-removal surgery in Skyfall is its own ludicrousness?
With his lackadaisical, crowd-pleasing off-screen persona, Hemsworth would also bring a refreshing attitude to the role. A new age needs a new-age Bond, one who'd probably have a family and remain respectfully platonic with his co-workers. Hemsworth was already there years ago, when he offered another intriguing suggestion for the role: Charlize Theron.
"She embodies every sort of ounce of strength and nobility and dignity and integrity that that character should have," he told W Magazine in 2017 of his Snow White and the Huntsman co-star's shot at a Bond gig. "Watching her in those fight scenes, doing it in high heels and an eight-foot-long gown was even more impressive." You can almost picture Bond purists squirming in their You Only Live Twice boxers (I swear, it's a real thing).
Theron, unfortunately, nixed the hypothetical gig, calling the whole Bond circus "cray cray" and politely leaving the pathway open for Hemsworth. So let's put an end to the debate once and for all: put down the hammer and pop in the pocket kerchief; the role is Thor's.