Whose party is it anyway?

For my eldest son's first birthday, my husband suggested we find a babysitter and go to the pub in lieu of a party. Stay with me - this was his reasoning: the child would not know the difference and we needed to celebrate the fact we were still alive and married a year down the track.

I laughed until I realised he was serious, then I completely disregarded the idea, horrified he could even suggest a party was not a valid way to celebrate our first child's inaugural birthday. I wasn't talking hiring a marquee, just a few people at home with some party pies. Maybe a cake in the shape of a train.

In a perfect example of poetic justice, that first birthday party was a disaster.

I had the best of intentions: keep it simple and invite only the people who had been involved in the first year of his life. Sixty guests later and no way to cull the list, I decided instead to stagger the start time. "Turn up any time between 2pm and 5pm" I wrote on the cute invitations from the local $2 shop. All sixty guests turned up at two. Not all of them left by five. August. Winter. Small house. Husband retreated to his cave. Nightmare.

I vowed never to do it again and almost came round to my husband's original suggestion with child #2 - "we can just take a photo of him sitting in front of a cupcake blowing out the candle, he won't know the difference, and then we can have a night out in his honour..." my husband persisted. However, in my mind-numbing need to be fair I rejected the pub idea again and insisted on a party for our second child. But I'm not insane, this time I organised a breakfast brunch in a park - more space, less people and better weather thanks to an October birthday. Perfect.

I'm not one for big birthday bashes - for children or for adults. I prefer an intimate gathering around a dinner table but five-year-old boys don't tend to respond to this. Entering the world of school and the inevitable parties that go with it, has seen his eyes bulge with the party possibilities. Somehow, I've managed to get sucked into the vortex and have contemplated something other than a sausage in bread in the park.

Almost-six-year-old has been planning his August birthday since February. Every party he attends between now and August is the new "best" party. Fast food chains, bowling parties, karate parties and Ben10 bashes, pool parties and play centres. For some reason, the old snag in bread with five friends and a DVD barely moves his pulse.

Last year, heavily pregnant and largely immobile, not to mention incredibly sensitive to noise, mess and anything small boy and party-related, I told my five-year-old he could invite his closest friend to a play centre. I paid the entrance fee, bought them lunch and they both had a ball dressed as superheroes. It was mid-week so they had the centre almost to themselves. That evening we had pizza and $5 mudcake with the grandparents. Almost a year later he still talks about it. Fondly. Unfortunately he'd like to do that again IN ADDITION to one of the parties mentioned previously.

It's not so much the themes and the outsourcing. I get that. If your house is anything like mine, there is no room for lots of children and the risk of poor weather means they'd all be inside making mess and noise and telling me they're bored. My freak-out radar would induce shrieking and they'd all leave screaming "his mum's a weirdo!"

It's the extravagance that bugs me, as if the scale of the party you throw your child equates to your love for them. When one-year-olds are having jumping castles in the backyard and hired fairies to oversee the passing of the parcel, I wonder exactly where we lost the plot? These kids can't even walk and one bounce on the inflatable fun house results in reverse birthday cake and a "vomit fee". What's left when our children turn 21? A diamond bordered jumping castle made of alcohol?

I could write a book on pet peeves at petite parties.

    * Invitations that required a whole forest to be slaughtered so there can be layer upon scrapbooking layer of intricate design. Perhaps I'm jealous of their skills and time to achieve such perfect looking invitations?

    * The unwritten law that the whole class should be invited so nobody is left out (thankfully our school doesn't subscribe to this). I know disappointment is part of life and I understand if it were my child constantly being excluded, I may feel differently but I just don't see that inviting 25 children every birthday is a viable option. Not to mention the cost of catering, and the cost of buying presents.

    * Arriving at the party and handing the child the gift, which is promptly placed on a "present table" to be opened after the guests leave. ARE YOU SERIOUS? It's not a freaking wedding. I spend a lot of time choosing gifts, or more precisely I spend a lot of time saying "no" to my children as they ask for all the toys on the shelf as we choose a gift for their birthday friend. The least the recipient could do is open the present in front of the giver.

    * Fairy bread made on multigrain bread. For Krusty's sake! White bread, loads of butter, cover with sugar disguised as coloured balls. It's not healthy. It's never going to be healthy. It's a party. Let loose and have some fun.

There is hope. I recently attended a great birthday party. It was held at the person's home on a Sunday afternoon. There was a backyard with a cubby, a trampoline, a couple of established trees to climb and some footballs to kick around. There were cheezels, chocolate crackles, lemonade and vegemite sandwiches to eat. The cake was baked by the mum in the shape of a "6" and decorated with smarties.

There were some organised games - a handball competition, pin the tail on the donkey which had been brought out for the third year running and despite the paper tails looking well-loved, the mum was confident it could last another year. My favourite game was what the mother referred to as "tough love pass the parcel". There sat twenty children in a neat circle, passing a newspaper parcel around until the music stopped randomly. And random it was. There was no orchestrating the music so each child had a turn, in fact one child had TWO turns!

There was no prize per wrapper, but simply one prize at the end. Shock horror, the kids coped. The only dropped lip was the sister of the winner who would have an opportunity to share the prize at home anyway. It was so incredibly refreshing to attend such a simple party that was well-organised but not over scheduled. You wouldn't have known there were twenty children there because the noise and activity were well distributed in the large backyard.

This is fantastic if you have a backyard that serves the purpose well. If you are happy for your children to participate in rock climbing down a cliff face at age five, my own backyard is perfect. Unfortunately it doesn't seem suitable for a large gathering of other people's children unless the parents are willing to surrender their medicare cards at the door and sign a liability waiver as they leave. So although it is what I consider a great way to celebrate a child's birthday, it is not practical for us.

I don't condemn the parties at outside venues nor the home-based ones that call on some paid help to entertain the sprouts. I acknowledge their merit. I just believe we have overstepped the mark with the organisation, the planning, the themes, the games, the gifts, the lolly bags, the cost.... Do the kids really notice? Really?

Thankfully, I haven't run into any competitive parents who are desperate to outdo the last party. I'd be sprinting in the other direction should I cross paths with anyone who valued something so trivial. By all means, mark your child's birthday with some friends and some fun. Just lay off the catered party soufflés and the $200 chocolate cake. No one cares. Least of all your child.

Now our third son is approaching his first birthday. Anyone up for babysitting? There's a cupcake in it for you. We'll be at the pub if you need us.

What's the best party your children have attended? How do you manage birthdays at your place? How do you keep the costs down and maintain simplicity? Comment on Kylie Orr's blog here.

Planning a party? Visit Essential Kids' Kids Parties section.