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WWYD if you hated the engagement ring your DP chooses for you?

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#1 Mpjp is feral

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:03 PM

This is a hypothetical on my part but a real question for one of my sisters tongue.gif .

Her DP finally proposed, but without a ring. It's still a 'secret' as they dont want to announce until the ring comes (but she told me in confidence). He's designed one with a jeweller friend of his family. He described it and it's exactly what she would not like. He's a surfer 'dude' and it sounds just like one of those surfer dude rings!! Platinum but gun metal grey with surfer dude kind of engraving on it. It sounds like a ring he would wear laughing2.gif . It's costing $3K so I imagine without stones it must be quite...chunky!

My sis is sweet, and delicate, and girly! And HATEs to hurt peoples feelings. And she loves shiny, sparkly things!! She thinks she neesd to just 'suck it up' and love it bc he gave it to her. But she is worried that the ring will be so 'surfer dude' ugly!!

She asked me to post a WWYD in this circumstance. Me I'd just say 'darling whatever you give me I would treasure but I really think a smaller more sparkly ring would suit me better...'. But this isn't me! She's not as...forthright as me!


ETA - he described it to HER - not me - I am not supposed to know....

Edited by meplainjanebrain, 12 November 2012 - 04:09 PM.

#2 la di dah

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:10 PM

My ring was chosen by fate, in that it was what DH's granddad gave his Nan, so not chosen according to my taste. Which would have, admittedly, run to more coloured stones and probably not the same style. But I love it anyway? Truly, not bullsh*tting. It means a lot to me.

Now without the beloved heirloom aspect, it does get a little harder. I think my DH would be a lot less brave than your BIL, as far as not even sounding me out for basic style...?

I find it odd if she's so girly and dainty that he doesn't know that. He may actually surprise with what he does know, and be more on the money than she thinks? And is maybe taking the suspense too far.

#3 M1B2G

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:10 PM

I am the wrong person to ask as DH showed me the ring he wanted which like your dear sister was way too chunky for me.  I suggested I liked dainty stuff and I would prefer the extra money went on home loans...  

I am just not a jewellry person and what I do like to wear I like to be subtle...  My DH was good about but then he kind of knew what I was like before he got together with me...

I would encourage her to be honest and maybe suggest that she likes subtle jewellry so if he has a design in mind could he incorporate the surf features he likes in a more subtle design...

Good luck... It is a hard one as he sounds like he has put some thought into it too and that is romantic.

#4 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:17 PM

I love jewellery and I wouldn't be able to wear a piece that I hated.

I would have it remade.

#5 intd242

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:18 PM

Wait until she sees it before worrying. Who knows could be perfect and he is leading her on a little with the description to assist with the surprise.

#6 silver-rain

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:18 PM

Any chance he's pulling her leg and he's actually designed something gorgeous and sparkly, but wants to keep it a surprise? Hoping that's the case for your sister, OP, I don't think the ring you've described sounds like my taste either....

#7 Lagom

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:19 PM

I avoided the above scenario by putting a deposit on a ring I LOVED and giving DH the receipt.  I told him he could propose whenever he liked.  ph34r.gif

As for what I would do in the above situation.  Probably tell him that I loved it as I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.  

Could he be making it up to throw her off the trail?  Maybe he'll propose with something she really loves.   I hope so.  happy.gif

#8 JustBeige

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:19 PM

I knew what would suit me too.  DH had other ideas. So I took him 'shopping' and we tried on different rings and different stones.

I let him pick out a couple that he liked and I tried them on, and then I picked out a couple to my taste and tried them on.  LOL, mine looked much much nicer on my hands.

So if I was your sis, I would take him shopping.  

Keeping it all very lighthearted.
I would probably say something like "Y'know, even though you have described it, I cant imagine what this ring is going to look like, I'm immensely excited but uber stressed that its going to look like something that a WWW wrestler would wear but make me look like I have a knuckle duster on"   "I want to take you shopping to try a couple on to show you what would look good on me"  

Make sure she gets him to offer up different styles too.  Hopefully he wont be too disappointed and its not too late to change the style.

Or she could ring the jeweller herself and speak to him about her concerns.  

Has she had her finger sized?  If not, if she does that before she speaks to the jeweller it will help them know that she only has little fingers etc.

Is she sure its the engagement ring?  maybe he is thinking a 2 for on2 deal - ie: no wedding band.

I think I would be doing a bit of arm waving about no stones though. lol, I like my stones in my jewellery though.

#9 PurpleNess

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:21 PM

She should ask to see the jewelers sketch & then be honest with.

PS you've described my husbands custom made wedding band & I love it...he's not a 'surfer dude' lol....quite the opposite infact.

#10 mommyoffour

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:22 PM

Two ideas:

1. Suck it up and wear it until she gets to choose her own wedding ring then just don't wear it anymore

2. Talk it through from the approach of "honey, the thought that has gone into it is so beautiful, but did you know it's not really my style? Could we get it cast into a resin paperweight or frame to remember it with, and go choose something I will enjoy wearing every day?"

I prefer #2 because otherwise she will get jewelry she hates for the next 40 years...!! (not to mention he then gets to learn something new about her and she can practise being a partner rather than a doormat)

#11 tothebeach

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:22 PM

DH and I went shopping for a ring together - though i was quite firm about the style that I wanted.

If I were her, I'd just say:'I am so excited about our engagement, I'd like us to ring shop together.  I'm going to be wearing the ring every day for the rest of my life so would like to get one that I like'.

#12 QueenIanthe

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:26 PM

We went shopping together. No way was I going to let him choose.

#13 opethmum

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:30 PM

If I was your sister, I would be grateful for anything of that magnitude spent on me. He went to all that effort and consideration and it is an embodiment of how he feels for her. Yes it may not have been what she expected but rings are symbolic of a more deeper commitment to her and that should be enough for her. If she rejected the ring altogether then I would be more concerned about her being a shallow and superficial person, I would seriously not be impressed by her attitude.

#14 Bunsen the feral

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:31 PM

I'd get a good friend or assertive sister to have a word and steer him in the right direction.

#15 LoudMuffin

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:33 PM

I'm in the suck it up camp. Is it that important really? After the wedding she can keep it in a safe place and get a sparkly wedding ring.

Also wonder if he's leading her astray so he can surprise her with something lovely

#16 fruitbat72

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:36 PM

I would be very honest if I really hated it but I am VERY picky when it comes to rings.

I chose my engagement ring (took a really long time to find the right one) and told DF where to get it. Not very romantic but we both knew I was getting what I wanted (and no it was not a very expensive one either)

And they say romance is dead  happy.gif

#17 Eirinn

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:38 PM

I would tell him. It would never happen to me though, because I always made it quite clear that if he wanted to propose with something, he should pick a stone rather than a ring.

I would tell him. It would never happen to me though, because I always made it quite clear that if he wanted to propose with something, he should pick a stone rather than a ring.

#18 crayons

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:40 PM

I was horrible to DH and had to get another one as I really disliked the first one. It took me about 2 months or so to actually tell him how much I didn't like it. His proposal was so unexpected that we had never talked rings.

I still think it was the right thing to do as I couldn't imagine myself wearing the first ring as my engagement ring for the rest of my life. He was very good about it and we went and designed a new ring and wedding ring for him to. When I was describing to the jeweler what I wanted the ring to be DH went "wow I really got the first one wrong didn't I it's about the opposite of what you want". It was then that he confessed that the ring and engagement was all decided the morning of proposal with very little fore thought and a grand total of $200. If he had specifically made a ring for me I don't know that I would be able to change it.

#19 Propaganda

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:42 PM

I would wonder why someone would get a specially made ring when they clearly don't know what kind of ring their loved-one would like.

I have no idea what I'd do. Perhaps come up with some reason why it was terrible. Perhaps it's uncomfortable, or the stone snags in my clothes, or something... anything... to get rid of it.

If it was just something that wasn't really me, but wasn't absolutely the opposite of me, I'd cop it. If not, then I'd probably do as I said above.

#20 Monket

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:42 PM

I would wear it with pride.  He obviously put a lot of thought into the ring and has gone to an enormous amount of trouble and expense.  That is way more special than a ring just chosen from the shop.

FTR my DH chose my engagement ring and it wasn't my taste at all, but I love it because he chose it and it is special also because of this.

#21 Eirinn

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:45 PM

QUOTE (Monket @ 12/11/2012, 05:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
FTR my DH chose my engagement ring and it wasn't my taste at all, but I love it because he chose it and it is special also because of this.

You love your hubby more than I love mine  original.gif .

#22 Kaonashi

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:50 PM

QUOTE (opethmum @ 12/11/2012, 05:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If I was your sister, I would be grateful for anything of that magnitude spent on me. He went to all that effort and consideration and it is an embodiment of how he feels for her. Yes it may not have been what she expected but rings are symbolic of a more deeper commitment to her and that should be enough for her. If she rejected the ring altogether then I would be more concerned about her being a shallow and superficial person, I would seriously not be impressed by her attitude.

I agree with this. He has gone to so much effort getting a ring designed. She should be flattered and at least reserve her judgement until she sees it. I also have to agree with PP about getting a sparkly wedding band. She has the rest of her life to have as many sparkly rings as she wants, but this one he has designed especially for her and that means so much more.

#23 MuppetGirl

Posted 12 November 2012 - 04:56 PM

I would seriously think he is yanking her chain and it is nothing like that. Considering she knows the ring is being made and the proposal is coming, maybe he wanted at least one thing to be a surprise.

I think she should wait and see.

#24 *molly*

Posted 12 November 2012 - 05:26 PM

I don't know what I would do. I was with my DH for more than 10 years before we decided to get married. The idea of a ring and a wedding just never seemed very important - we would be together forever, ring or no ring. He picked my ring on his own and I was surprised how much I was mesmerised by it. It was simple, elegant and modern - exactly what i would have picked - but more than that, it symbolised our love and commitment.

My point is, I would say to your sister, don't underestimate how much this piece of jewellery will mean to you. You will want to wear it every day and think of your incredible bond with your future DH. It might be worth the embarrassment and awkwardness of being honest in order to end up with something that you'll love wearing on your hand for the rest of your life.

#25 Team Awesome

Posted 12 November 2012 - 05:53 PM

Both SIL are "all about the bling" the one who has been married longest hated her ring set even though it was along the lines of her specifications just not expensive enough and she wasn't in control of the picking. She wears a sterling silver ring most of the time.

One who got married recently he a lot of effort into finding the right ring and she loves her ring. His first buy in jewellery didn't go over well though so that's probably why.

I picked out my ring because I thought he was just getting ideas of what I liked but he bought it and proposed on the spot. it's a simple amethyst ring and it suits me. I'm not into bling big or otherwise.

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