Are men more reluctant or less supportive of co-sleeping
, Dec 13 2012 04:02 PM
100 replies to this topic
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:02 PM
Interested to hear about the reactions of people's partners in regards to this
With DH and I expecting our first baby, you get given a lot of advice. One thing that has been mentioned by men (who are fathers) unanimously was don't co-sleep.
Reasons have included; lack of quality of sleep due to changes in sleeping arrangement or fear they would roll over onto the child, changes in intimacy with partner, difficulty getting child to sleep in their own bed when they attempted to transition etc etc.
Yet we've found that woman are much more encouraging and on the majority have more positive things to say regarding co-sleeping.
Now granted we only know about 7 people who are fathers, but how did your partner feel or respond to co-sleeping?
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:08 PM
i swore we would never do it but out of desperation did it for the first 8 weeks. Husband was very supportive and would have continued to be supportive but I was freaked out and wanted to stop...Freaked out not because of safety issues but because I know of very negative relationship effects co-sleepign had on someone close to me.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:11 PM
My DH isn't the biggest fan of co-sleeping. I basically gave him two choices, YOU get up fifty billion times a night to our sh*tty sleeper, or you deal with co-sleeping lol. Obviously DS is still in our bed
It doesn't affect his sleep anymore than not co-sleeping. Either way we are still taking turns in settling DS, now we just don't have to get up and become fully awake to do so.
We are intimate less often, but not drastically so, we just get more creative.
Our biggest fear is definitely the transition back to cot. We will be attempting it soon when DH is on holidays, I can't see it going well as DH can't leave DS to cry more than 30 seconds...
Either way though, I'll never regret doing it. It saved my sanity when I needed it most, and it's so nice to snuggle up together (not so nice when DS steals our pillows or sleeps on our heads though haha).
ETA: We haven't done it since birth, DS was about 7mths when he started coming in at 3am...then we eventually just put him to sleep in there.
Edited by Mareek, 13 December 2012 - 04:13 PM.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:13 PM
We didn't plan do be cosleepers before my DS arrived, but it ended up being the only way to get him to sleep from about 4 months or so. My DH was actually the instigator, because it was easier to cuddle him to sleep than stand up and rock him in the middle of the night. DS now sleeps in a bed, and DH goes and hops in with him if he needs resettling.
So, no, not all men are opposed, although he might have been before the bubs arrived.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:13 PM
Neither DH nor I wanted to co-sleep (by which I take it you mean the baby in bed with us). On a couple of dreadful nights I was willing to try it, but DH absolutely was not and would get up and care for DD elsewhere if I was that wrecked. He says it was mostly for safety reasons.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:14 PM
Hi OP, we are first baby too. My DH feels like me, we don't want to do it unless the child is older and sick or there is a storm and they are scared etc. Basically how we had it as kids.
My DH doesn't work in an office all day and works hands on in what can be a a safety issue job if he is too tired. Three of us squeeshed into the bed wouldn't be comfortable for us night in and night out.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:14 PM
DP couldn't care less. He could sleep through an earthquake! It is me who cares, for the sole reason that because he is such a heavy sleeper, I am scared he would roll on DD and suffocate her without realising.
I can only do it when he has left for work
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:14 PM
My father is very pro-co-sleeping, we were all co-slept from birth. My parents have ISSHEWS with the idea of crib-sleeping.
My husband is terrified of the idea, and as he has (unconsciously) rolled on me or hit me full in the face several times while sound asleep, I can sort of see his concerns.
My dad is a very still sleeper who rolls away from contact - my husband is an active sleeper and flails around like a beached fish, and has twice to my knowledge rolled fully on top of a squirming full-grown cat.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:17 PM
Just to add a point re: the men being deep sleepers. Prior to co-sleeping, DH was THE deepest sleeper, I'd have to kick him to get up to DS even with the monitor on loud next to his head. He sleeps a lot lighter now, though not as lightly as me.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:27 PM
Cosleeping didn't suit DP at all. He is very protective of DS and felt unable to relax with him there, for fear of harming him even if the chances were remote. He also found that DS's noises woke him, and DS waking for feeds made it hard for DP to get back to sleep. He was starting a new job a couple of weeks before DS was born so he needed his sleep!
I think best practice for cosleeping is with a breastfeeding mother, no pillows or doonas, on a mattress on the floor, baby not wrapped.
Well, we were never going to meet all of those requirements. I did (and do) cosleep with DS at times out of desperation, in the spare bed, in ways lets just say aren't recommended.
I had DS in a bassinet next to me sleeping in the spare bed for the first few months, and that worked well, DP slept in our bed. It was tough on our relationship (the first months are anyway, I think) but when DS moved to his own room at 4 and a bit months, we all seemed to sleep better. Having said that, I would probably do the same thing again in future, and might even cosleep if it isn't cold weather and I'm breastfeeding.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:30 PM
We have ended up with 4 cosleeping babies.
#1 poor DH had bad sleep for 15 cosleeping months constantly worried he would kill her in his sleep, then got up to her many times a night for 2 years.
#2 was a good cosleeper and by the time she transitioned DH was mostly in #1's bed. (in 2 single beds pushed together)
#3 DH was mostly in #1's bed.
#4 DH is in the spare room now at 6 months. DD1 is still waking a few times a week.
Our sex life is better than ever, in spite of not sleeping naked in the same bed.
Relationships don't have to stand or fall based on sleep location.
Edited by podg, 13 December 2012 - 05:32 PM.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:37 PM
My DH loves co-sleeping! I have found we all benefited hugely from it.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:40 PM
Both DH and I were on the same page with co-sleeping which was that co-sleeping was not the thing for us, we had some discussion but knew it was not for us. There were too many things to worry about and I was beyond stressed (and quite ill) when DD and I got home from hospital. However, we did have DD in a cot in the room with us from one month of age (we were in hospital for about month when she was born) until she was six months, and we followed all the SIDS etc guidelines very carefully. It was easier for me and less stressful to do it that way. And i think that DH knew that it would be the same for him.
DH was never pro co-sleeping and never promoted it. If he had insisted it would have made things a tad uncomfortable as co-sleeping is something that I never would have done (the reasons I won't go into). But DD was a pretty good sleeper and there were hardly any problems that we could not deal with. If DH had heard about the potential problems with co-sleeping I think that he would have ruled out co-sleeping all together.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:40 PM
My partner wanted to cosleep from day one, I was sitting on the fence and wanted to see how things would work.
We started with a bassinette next to the bed, and it just became easier to bring her in with us all night. We all got a better sleep, because she would be settled quicker - she's a loud loud loud cryer, always has been, and would have woken him whether she was in her room or our room.
It didn't take us long to put the cot in a sidecar arrangement on the side of our bed, which gave us all more room. Baby in the cot one my side of the bed also meant that my partner was never scared of rolling on top of her. Yes she would sometimes wriggle/crawl over to me in the night ,but was always on the other side of me from him. I'd highly recommend that if you go ahead with cosleeping and have the space for it, put the cot in a sidecar. It also makes it easier to transition out of cosleeping (well it did for us), as they're used to being a bit further away but still in arm's reach.
We coslept until she was about 19 months, and the transition into the big girl bed was ridiculously smooth and easy!
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:43 PM
We co-sleep sometimes. Probably by necessity as a PP said. So I may spend a couple of hours per night in bed with DD, the rest of the time she is in her cot.
Our difference is I co-sleep with her in the spare bed. I don't bring her into bed with my DH. I wouldn't trust him not to roll on her as he is a very deep sleeper.
He's not a huge supporter of me co-sleeping - mainly because it feels to him we lead separate lives if we don't even sleep in the same bed together, and me waking up in another room means less opportunity for action for him
But then, if he's not getting woken by the baby, then he can't really complain too much...
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:45 PM
DS was DH's 4th child and my first (He has 3 girls from his first marriage). He was on board with co-sleeping right from the start and wouldn't have had it any other way. Everyone benefited.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:47 PM
My husband was pro co-sleeping and we have done so for 3.5 years. However, my husband always had the option of sleeping in the spare room if he was exhausted or needed a break, or had a big day at work the next day, or just felt like it. Despite the coming and going we are very happy, close and we have a happy secure boy to boot. But he was happier with the baby against he wall, me then him, rather than baby in the middle. Though he did love the snuggles when baby would snuggle up to him, to sleepy to realise it wasn't mum.
I also got a lot more sleep in the early stages through co-sleeping, and early morning snuggles with a baby / toddler are blissful.
Guest_- Poppy -_*
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:03 PM
We both know a father that rolled on his baby while he was sleeping (he had been drinking - biiiig no no) and the baby passed away so needless to say we both were totally against co-sleeping.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:05 PM
DH was very supportive of my desire to cosleep but a little nervous about it, he was worried about rolling on or otherwise hurting DS. We set up the cot as a side car and so DS was on my side of the bed most of the time anyway but even on the few occasions that he was in between us DH said he was much more aware of where he was than he thought he'd be. It also meant he got more sleep than he would have if DS had been in another room or even in a cot in the same room as I was able to feed him just as he started to stir so didn't cry at all over night.
DS is 18 months and still in with us. I often come to bed after DH and usually find them curled up together asleep, very cute
DH will tell anyone who will listen how great cosleeping has been for us lol.
Re the intimacy worries, as DS has his own little area in the side car he's not always in our space and so we still get the chance to snuggle. As for more intimate activites there are plenty of other rooms in the house lol.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:07 PM
When we brought our first home, DH and I both looked at the beautiful cot we bought, then each other, and completely agreed we were not putting our baby in that, EVER!!!
We've co-slept ever since with 3 kids and none of them have spent a single night of their lives in a cot. My DH wouldn't have it any other way and neither would I.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:13 PM
My partner grew up cosleeping with his parents/siblings until he was 4 or so, it was/is the done thing from his cultural background (South East Asian) He can't understand cot sleeping especially a cot in another room. I am more than happy to try cosleeping, but will probably feel more comfortable with a sidecar arrangement or cot pushed up against the bed. We are both light sleepers though.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:16 PM
When DP and I first discussed kids, I was adamant I would NEVER co-sleep. DP was quite sure we would, culturally it's not unusual for our people, and when DP was living in the communities in Cairns everyone did it.
A couple of nights of struggling to put #1 back down in his bed asleep and I gave in, we coslept him till about 12 months.
DD has always been a pretty easy baby, she prefers being in her cot and always has, she only ends up in our bed IF (!
) she wakes up during the night.
eta: DP doesn't sleep well if he is in charge of the baby in the bed, but they usually sleep up next to me, and while I sleep lightly, I still sleep well enough.
Edited by Tonberry, 13 December 2012 - 05:17 PM.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:30 PM
My DH feels the same as me. We both prefer sidecar when they're little but both wouldn't want them in another room. Sidecar makes it easier to breast feed without getting up so ultimately we both get more sleep that way.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:36 PM
I don't think its just or all men.
I certainly never wanted to co-sleep with a new born.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 06:03 PM
Hmmm neither me nor my DH intended to be co sleepers. We had a lovely cot set up for DS in his own room (across the hall with monitor). But the I read about how the reason you are meant to room in with your baby is not so you can hear them, it's because being right next to mum actually helps to regulate a newborn's immature physiological system - eg listening to mum's breathing helps to regulate baby's. Also, newborns are not meant to drift into really deep sleep, so parents sleep noises keep baby in a lighter sleep. Plus, my husband felt it wasn't right for a helpless infant be so far from their mama.
So we bought a bassinet. DS would not have a bar of it. Waaaaaahhhhh. So we somehow squeezed the cot in. He slept ok it the cot until he learnt to roll which was at the same time the 4 month sleep regression hit. I was shattered. It was a choice of side carring the cot for easier night nursing or sleep training. Neither DH or I believe in sleep training so the cot became side carred.
It is not DH or my ideal but we have a crappy sleeper. DH and I get creative re our sex life which is getting back on track after many months of being exhausted. DH was never worried about squishing baby because DS is on my side. I also believe DH needs to be well rested because his role could cost his company a bucketload if he gets a sentence wrong, so he has the option to sleep in the spare room.
I did ask DH if he felt we needed to try moving DS out for the sake of our relationship a couple of months ago, his face went into a frown and he said 'but he is still too little'! So in our circumstance it's not the woman saying 'we must cosleep' and the man feeling ripped off.
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