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#1 charlottesmum04

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:09 PM

Came across this in a link from another blog and it really reasonated with me in a way.
blog post

I until the last few weeks was a diehard boobie feeder.  Didnt see any reason why most people couldnt BF and saw FF as mostly a choice not a need. Now that new DD is quite literally allergic to my breastmilk ( i was making her sick to the point she was hospitalised) and we are having to rely on prescription formula to feed her I am seeing the other side.

Why should i have to justify it to strangers who seem to think its their business why I am FF?

If i dont tell them DD's medical history and i dont feel i have too and just throw out a I couldnt BF does that then make me one of those 'making excuses in the eyes of women like these?

And last of all why out of all of those things do i care what some stranger in a parenting room thinks of me?


#2 Rainbow Brite

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:16 PM

I have never once received negative comments etc due to formula feeding. Where are all these critical people you hear about? There are always stories being told but I have never come across the negativity.

Edited by Madam Plum, 10 January 2013 - 08:17 PM.


#3 Riotproof

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:17 PM

Seriously? What is it you're looking for?
No one is going to condemn you for doing the best thing for your baby. No one is going to condemn me for continuing to breastfeed my toddler while avoiding his main allergens. And if they do, I don't care.

Anybody who has breastfed a toddler knows it is about more than just food, but it's not the only way to foster closeness. For a baby, it is just about food. You found food that doesn't make your baby sick which is fantastic.

#4 imamumto3

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:21 PM

QUOTE (Madam Plum @ 10/01/2013, 09:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have never once received negative comments etc due to formula feeding. Where are all these critical people you hear about? There are always stories being told but I have never come across the negativity.

this.

I bf, but most of my friends have ff.  I have only ever seen support for either those bf or ff, no one has ever received negative comments for their choice.  you do what works for you and your child, it's no one else's business.

#5 Chief Pancake Make

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:22 PM

OK I only got through half of that because it was too bl&&dy long and I wanted to punch the author.

Its the same as the vaginal birth vs CS, drug free vs epidural  - as long as you have a happy healthy baby at the end who F%^&^g cares - its nobodies business but the parents.

#6 Expelliarmus

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:22 PM

I never found a real life anti-formula person shrug.gif No one actually ever asked me why I was feeding my kid what I was feeding them. It's a really theoretical thing for me.

No one actually cared enough to ask.

#7 Mousky

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:23 PM

QUOTE (charlottesmum04 @ 10/01/2013, 09:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why should i have to justify it to strangers who seem to think its their business why I am FF?



You don't original.gif

#8 TheSmithFamily

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:25 PM

When my first child was born his brain was damaged and he had no suck reflex, he was tube fed and then bottle fed. I got all the questions and judgments etc.

I never ever took for granted the beautiful BF relationship I was able to have with my next two kids. I had seen and been on the other side and was grateful for some normality.

Great news you found some food that works best for you and your baby xx

Bron

#9 axiomae

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:25 PM

Ugh that article was horrid. Breastfeeding is hard work. Formula feeding is hard work. Breast is best but a starving baby is worse. People need to worry about themselves and their own babies rather than worry what everyone else is doing. You don't need to justify anything. I mix feed (for genuine low supply) and it just s**ts me to tears when people roll their eyes when I top up with formula. Would you rather my baby starve? Sigh.

#10 nik_klinger

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:26 PM

QUOTE (Chief Pancake Make @ 10/01/2013, 09:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OK I only got through half of that because it was too bl&&dy long and I wanted to punch the author.

Its the same as the vaginal birth vs CS, drug free vs epidural  - as long as you have a happy healthy baby at the end who F%^&^g cares - its nobodies business but the parents.


Amen!

#11 MissM86

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:29 PM

Surely that blog is tongue in cheek? It is all about taking the p*ss out of the way we parent today. Surely...

#12 charlottesmum04

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:42 PM

QUOTE (MissM86 @ 10/01/2013, 08:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Surely that blog is tongue in cheek? It is all about taking the p*ss out of the way we parent today. Surely...


Unfortunatly not if you read the rest of her blog's.

Maybe Justify was the wrong word.  I havnt come across anyone being nasty to my face ( but certainly looks) but i have realised that while BF no-one ever seemed to think it was their business to ask me why but now I'm FF strangers seem to want to strike up a conversation about my choice.  I guess thats more what i was asking.  Why do strangers seem to think that its ok to do that?

#13 ladyp

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:44 PM

I have read that blog post before. It is my understanding that FF for medical reasons isn't making an excuse.

I actually read it at 5 am one morning after getting up every couple of hours to feed my 5 mth old. I was exhausted and posted it on FB because I could relate to what the author was saying. My baby is now 11 mths and still doesn't sleep and feeds every couple of hours day and night.

I think the author is too harsh with her words but I do understand her point. Breastfeeding can be hardwork as no one else can do it but you. My husband can't bf, no my babies never took a bottle and yes I tried. I have had two tongue tied babies and it was extremely hard but with expressing and taking medication I was able to keep bf.  I had DD tongue cut at 12 weeks and DS was 8 days.

It really isn't anyone's business how you feed your child. However the blog post does touch a nerve and does create emotion, but it is how you feel about your choices that will dictate how you respond.

After BF 4 babies I can say my experiences were hardwork and for some people it isn't.


#14 Starrydawn

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:52 PM

The author should get the stick out her superior ass. Why does she care how others feed their baby. Own her own issues instead of projecting.

She BF and I FF big friggen deal. Who cares.

I don't justify or explain as it's nothing to justify.





#15 JAPN2

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

I don't think anyone should justify. I comp fed No1 & 2.

FF is baby food. Simple.



#16 statua angelam

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

Frankly, I think that blog post is downright dangerous.  Way to push at-risk mothers closer to the edge!

QUOTE (charlottesmum04 @ 10/01/2013, 09:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And last of all why out of all of those things do i care what some stranger in a parenting room thinks of me?


We all care what people think of us - that's perfectly normal, especially when it's something about which we already feel vulnerable.  I'm sorry you're having a difficult time in your interactions with others.

QUOTE (Madam Plum @ 10/01/2013, 09:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have never once received negative comments etc due to formula feeding. Where are all these critical people you hear about? There are always stories being told but I have never come across the negativity.


Well, I have.  Over and over again, irl, but not least here on EB!  I remember one PP commenting she'd have an intravenous drip put in her baby before giving formula, which left me feeling quite ill.  So, yeah, it's there!

Incidentally, ladyp, what gets me upset is not how I feel about my choices, but how I feel about having my circumstances and the reasons for those choices dismissed as "excuses."

#17 Swahili

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:03 PM

Look, breast is best, ALWAYS. To offer anything other than breastmilk is pure negligence and warrants a DOCS notification.

Happy, OP?

#18 Great Dame

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

I'm read while wrangling kids but I pretty much agree with everything I read and managed to comprehend.  Especially this bit -

QUOTE
Perhaps more importantly, by using excuses, these mothers are exacerbating society's fear of breastfeeding. The more often excuses are used - the more new mothers will see breastfeeding as biologically 'unrealistic'. When excuses are used, attention is drawn away from the pertinent issue of effort. For instance, the most common excuse I hear is "my breasts aren't producing enough milk". The reality is that your breasts are almost certainly producing enough milk but your confidence in your body has been undermined by ignorant yet well-meaning family members, poorly-trained health professionals, and clever formula marketing.


And especially this bit -

QUOTE
The omnipresent abundance of excuses leads to what I call a 'sheep mentality' or to put it another way, a culture of 'failure acceptance'. Numerous studies have shown that "low expectancies of success are a liability in performing difficult tasks" (Brown. J et al). So with regard to breastfeeding, would-be mothers hear the excuses and consequently they view successful breastfeeding as near impossible. When they get pregnant they use the discourse of 'try' - they say they will 'try' to breastfeed, they'll 'give it a go'; they anticipate failure before they've even started breastfeeding because that's all they've heard from other women. Would-be mothers form a false preconception that breastfeeding is, for the most part, a matter of luck; that women's bodies regularly malfunction. When their baby is born some mothers avoid breastfeeding altogether, so as to avoid failure (Martain. A and Marsh. H). For those who start, most of them encounter a breastfeeding issue and give up because failure is imminent - it must be, all their friends failed. It looks like their body too, has malfunctioned.

"In a sense, she is looking for signs of failure. If her baby cries one day a bit more than usual, her first thought may be that her milk has decreased; If the baby develops indigestion or colic or a rash, she is quick to suspect her milk" (Spock 2004).



There are things I disagree with too though, like some of her terminology ie "quitters" for mothers who stopped b'feeding and even "excuses".  It's also a contradiction to say the mothers are "making up excuses" while admitting "excuses" they've heard in the past (from family/friends) will influence their own b'feeding relationship.  If a mother believes she doesn't have enough milk, it's not really an "excuse" is it?  

There are many myths about b'feeding that do undermine mothers-to-be confidence.  Personally I went into b'feeding with the attitude I might be one of the 'lucky' ones to be successful.  Fortunately I had never heard of the four-hour-rule, otherwise I might have believed I didn't have enough milk too with a 2 hour round the clock feeder.  I understand the author's frustrations but think her time could have been better spent clearing up b'feeding myths rather than getting FF'ing mums off-side.


#19 JustBeige

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:11 PM

I was the last in our social circle to have my babies and I remembered how some of my friends got horrid comments about BF/FF their kids.

When I finally had my first one and was FF, before I took the baby out the first few times,  I actually used to practise saying out loud "eff off".   I also practised "who are you that I need to talk about this too?"  and "I dont know you. Go away now".     All these made me feel like I could handle any of the snark my friends used to get.

I never ever got to use them though.  

I only ever got one "how is she feeding?" about my 7mths old.   I genuinely thought the person meant actual food as DD was eating anything that wasnt nailed down by this stage.   I looked at her like she was stupid, said "Fine thank you" , did the 'polite' smile and walked away.

I also have no problem being rude to people who are rude to me first.


OP, I think you (and every new mum) should actively decide what they will and wont talk about and stick to it.   Even a simple, "thanks for asking, but we dont discuss our choices with strangers/anyone" *rinse and repeat* will work too.

I think it shows that you are confident in your decision(s) and that is the most important thing imo.

Edited by JustBeige, 10 January 2013 - 09:14 PM.


#20 tamjk

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:12 PM

QUOTE (Madam Plum @ 10/01/2013, 08:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have never once received negative comments etc due to formula feeding. Where are all these critical people you hear about? There are always stories being told but I have never come across the negativity.


Umm, that would be me.

Not as much now, I've been on the other side of the fence now thanks to DD being a high demand baby and my deciding that being able to palm her off on someone else so I could get some rest was more important than my moral superiority.
Before she came onto the scene I was an absolute patronising cow to formula feeders. I was that smugly superior breastfeeding cow that formula feeding mothers dread meeting in parents room. I still am to a certain extent although MIL says I have mellowed a lot. Although she's a biased, lying cow and I don't 100% trust anything that comes out of her mouth.

#21 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

Although nobody actually said anything to me, I did have a few glares thrown my way, particularly when FF'ing DD2 as a newborn.
Had they said anything, I'd have been happy to bore them to tears with a hour long discussion of my DD2's health problems.
Instead....just instant judgement.  Often what happens on EB, incidentally.
But whatever.  Only I, my family and my friends understand the constant paediatrician appointments, physio appointments, hospitalisations and medications my DD2 has endured.  It took me quite a while to come to a place where I no longer care what most people think.  The opinions I hold dear are the people I love and who love me, who know the full story and will speak with love and respect, as I would to them.

#22 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:20 PM

My breast feeding journey with DS has been in easy physically, but now that he is 15 months old and still fed around the clock, I am fed up with it. I hate how it's impossible to wean him and how only boob comforts him.

Next baby I'll be comp feeding from early on especially if DS is still feeding every 30 seconds like he is now. I don't give a sh*t what other people think.

#23 JAPN2

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 10/01/2013, 10:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I understand the author's frustrations but think her time could have been better spent clearing up b'feeding myths rather than getting FF'ing mums off-side.

Question is why the blog author needs to feel anything at all about what other women choose to do?

It sounds like she has a rather rigid code of mothering behaviours that she likes to apply to everyone else.

#24 Rach_V

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:28 PM

Today I gave up trying to continue to breastfeed my 10 week old and wish I hadn't read that blog. I'm feeling guilty enough, now I feel truly awful   cry1.gif

#25 SeaPrincess

Posted 10 January 2013 - 09:29 PM

QUOTE (Madam Plum @ 10/01/2013, 06:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have never once received negative comments etc due to formula feeding. Where are all these critical people you hear about? There are always stories being told but I have never come across the negativity.

Everywhere.  They start the brainwashing when you're pregnant - ante-natal classes telling you that in addition to the actual health and nutritional benefits, that BF babies have higher IQ's.  I came out of our ante-natal classes absolutely steaming and had a good rant to DH about how it was unfair on women who, for whatever reason, can't or don't BF, yet I still wept through my first baby's first bottle because I felt like such a failure. When I finally accepted (after 5 torturous months) that BF wasn't going to work for us, I actually started to enjoy feeding him.




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