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Mothers and Daughters
For those who have good relationships


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#1 beckles5

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:51 PM

Ok - I am on a bit of a role this evening. Have a few things that have been bothering me and been meaning to seek others thoughts on.

My mother and I clash.  A LOT.  She is a lovely lady and now that I am a mother I kind of 'get' her more but basically we are not close. Probably do speak more now but it is about the kids so that is easy.  She is the kind of mother that still sees me as a little girl - will tell me to make sure my hands are clean when putting in my lenses (that kind of thing).  This gets my back up as I am almost 40.

So basically I am wondering for those that have good relationships with their mothers, how was this formed?  Was it them allowing you to have a bit of independence/make your own mistakes when you were young?  Treating you as an equal?  Being open and honest about puberty etc?

I am wanting my daughters and I to have closer relationships than I do with my mother.  My husband tells me that I will as I am a different person but I can see and sometimes feel that I do things that my mother did to me i.e previous post about affection and lack of it.  I really want my girls to be able to talk to me with ease as I never did with my mum.



#2 JRA

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

tough question.


I had a great relationship with mum, as did my sisters.

Why? I don't know. She never tried to be our best friend, she was our mum. She was pretty down to earth, and yes, treated us appropriately for our age. Yes, she let us make our own mistakes and was always there to help pull things back togehter.

On the affection thing, we weren't a huggy type family, but certainly we knew we were loved, always.

#3 Feral-chillibean

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:55 PM

I will be watching this with interest.  I could have written your post and now have 2 daughters.

I don't want to be their friend, I want to be their mother but I do want to have a closer relationship that I did/do with my mum...

#4 angelinaballerina

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:59 PM

I have a fantastic relationship with my mother and always have. So have both my sisters and brother.

We were always given freedom, but not too much! We were treated as her children and not as her friend. Until we were adults our selves.

I lunch with my mum and bother her girlfriends and my girlfriends regularly because we like each others company. Same as we go for dinner and holidays with both my parents as well.

My mum was strict, but also allowed us to make mistakes with boys/friends/schooling etc. and then would help us to rectify the mistake (if we asked for help).

I love my mum <3

#5 madmother

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:01 PM

I miss my mum so much every day.  sad.gif

She was my best friend, my greatest support, my rock.

#6 morgansacre

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:04 PM

Hi,

My mum and I just talk, she did something years ago that broke the bond we had. I refused to see or talk to my parents for about 4 years. It's only since my heart attack that has made rethink my live and what I was doing.

My four children and I get on so much better. I have always been honest with them about everything, they know I won't judge them, but give my honest unbias opinion.

My oldest DD had a disagreement with me, which caused a rift that has been very hard to fix....we still talk, but it's now not the same.

I too am not very touchy feely, it was how I was raised sad.gif

Lynn

#7 SnazzyFeral

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

We work at our relationship. We accept that neither of us is perfect and that there will always be things that sh*t us about the other but that we choose to have a relationship with each other and we try and treat each other with compassion. We try to understand the others point of view and if all else fails smile a nod.

#8 Lil Chickens

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 13/01/2013, 09:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
tough question.


I had a great relationship with mum, as did my sisters.

Why? I don't know. She never tried to be our best friend, she was our mum. She was pretty down to earth, and yes, treated us appropriately for our age. Yes, she let us make our own mistakes and was always there to help pull things back togehter.

On the affection thing, we weren't a huggy type family, but certainly we knew we were loved, always.


This is how I would have to answer, I think it is intangible.  I am just trying to be a similar mother to my kids as mine was to me (without the smacking)!

She is our friend not now but was not our friend then.

#9 feralgreenthumbs

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

Don't know OP. I'm terrified of having a daughter for this very reason.

My mother and I get on if we discuss work. But anything remotely near emotions or similar is completely awkward and shut down pretty quick.

I'd love it to be different. I have girl friends with awesome relationships with their mums, no idea how it happened though. From what I've seen though, definitely need to find that balance between being mum first and friend after that.

Good luck, I think you're doing a great thing by looking into, getting advice and so on.

#10 *mylittleprince*

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:08 PM

I absolutely adore my mom. I think the key to our great relationship is that we have very similar personalities (upbeat, positive, resilient, say it like it is type of people). We both don't get easily offended, can say exactly what we think and move on. I don't like passive aggressive or whingy/woe is me type of people and so we get on well as we think a lot alike!

She raised me as a daughter not a friend. Was always open and honest and I could talk to her about anything. She put boundries in place that at the time (teenager) I couldn't appreciate, but I now respect.

Since becoming a mom and wife I appreciate and respect her more and more.

She does annoy me sometimes as she is quite bossy and likes to tell me what to do but then I tell her and she backs off so it's all good original.gif

#11 Akeyo

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:10 PM

I too am fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my Mum. We are also very alike but I clashed more with my Dad growing up.

One of the best things about my Mum is the genuine interest she takes in my life. She inquires, without being intrusive, and never passes judgement. She has always been approachable and accessible to me, so I always felt like I could talk to her about anything but I was never expected to tell her anything. She always respected my privacy.

I know one of the best things I can give my children is my undivided attention, so that they know how important they are to me, and how fabulous I find their company.

#12 madmother

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:11 PM

The best way I can describe our relationship is with an example I use often.

If DH committed murder and confessed to his mother "I killed somebody" she would have responded "No you didn't".

If I commiteed murder and confessed to my mother she would have responded "I will do everything I can to help you, and I still love you though I may not like your actions!"





#13 Propaganda

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

My mother is supportive in everything I do, and was always there when I needed her, and I think that is why I adore her as much as I do.

She wasn't as open and honest about puberty as she could have been, she was a pain in the neck when I was a teenager and really annoyed me at times, she didn't allow me that much independence, but also didn't smother me. It was just how she was with her support that did it, I think. She remains this way today too. She understand that my choices are my own, and supports that. She might object if I told her I wanted to do something extreme or very very dangerous, but she mostly just suggests I consider it a little longer, or asks me to keep safe, rather than telling me I'm wrong and what I should do instead. She lets me make my own choices, and doesn't criticise me if I fail.

#14 RockLobster

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:27 PM

QUOTE (madmother @ 13/01/2013, 10:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I miss my mum so much every day.  sad.gif

She was my best friend, my greatest support, my rock.


I feel the same way sad.gif
My mum never pushed her opinions or agenda on to me. She allowed me to make up my own mind about things. Her own mum was quite interfering, and she was careful not to be like that with me. Even when I was a teenager, I still used to hold her hand when we were out in public together. laughing2.gif
She never really seemed to me to be a very 'sentimental' person as such (I mean, she gave great cuddles and we always said 'I love you' to each other several times a day, but she didn't seem to get emotional or sentimental over things). But today I was going through some things of hers (she passed away in March last year) and I found cards I had given her when I was a kid, school report cards and all sorts of things I never knew she had kept. wub.gif





#15 Roobear

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:36 PM

My mum and I are great friends now. From about the age of 12 right up til I had DD we had a very difficult relationship. I moved out when I was 18 and we had lengthy periods of not speaking. It was difficult I guess because I had issues and my mum didn't know how to deal with it.... I pushed boundaries, she became more and more controlling to try and control me which resulted in me rebelling more. It is a bit difficult to say why we had such a difficult relationship then, it was quite complex I guess.

Now though our relationship is great. We both have our own lives but we talk, catch up regularly and she is a great grandma for DD and DS. She treats me as an adult, never questions me in my parenting decisions, never offers advice unless I ask for it. We do disagree on some things but she always just shrugs and says we will agree to disagree and we both move on. I treat her with the respect that she deserves, like I would any adult so it works both ways.


#16 la di dah

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:55 PM

My mom and I are close, now. We had some issues in my teen years but I always knew she loved me.

You know the saying about the serenity to deal with the things you can't change? That was me coming to grips with my mom. I love her for who she is.

I love her to bits. She teases me I'm older than her. I tease her she's a bunny, all wide-eyed and sweet and no fight. She's a much nicer person than I am.

As a teen I was irritated with her for filling my head with pie-in-the-sky stuff that wasn't reflected in our world. People don't judge on looks? It only matters what's inside? Don't look before you leap, la di dah, just leap, it'll turn out right...

She thinks I worry too much and plan too much and am "too suburban" and "preoccupied with being normal because you like it from the outside."

I stopped expecting her to be everything and just enjoy the sh*t out of what she is. She ain't a financial consultant, she doesn't plan my 10 year plans, I wouldn't resign myself to her "neat enough" front yard. But she's an awesome Mom and a good friend.

She never lied to me. Okay, I still don't know how she came up with people don't judge appearances, rather than just shouldn't. But she believes it. She was very open about sex, and religion, and let me explore and ask all kinds of terrible questions.

Me, at 11: "Mom, what's a dildo?"
Mom, sudden terror in her eyes, then: "A prosthetic penis for making love." [pause] "...Why?" But she always answered first. And yes, okay, that's "making love" and not "having sex" but while she put her spin on things, she would give us the real words and I don't think anything was ever intentionally untrue.

Edited by la di dah, 13 January 2013 - 10:00 PM.


#17 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:04 PM

My mother and I have had a rocky relationship, we are complete opposites and clash in every way. I am very sensitive, she is very direct.

I often felt like she dismissed my feelings and she never made me feel loved or wanted. She had a lot of untreated depression and anxiety though.

Since having DS our relationship has increased ten fold and she has surprised me with how supportive she is. She trusts I make the best decisions for DS and she supports that. She also offers advice and I don't take it with offense anymore. There are still some issues, but as a whole I think we respect each other more. She is careful with her words because she knows I'm sensitive and I don't get so ofnded at the things she says and try to remember that She doesn't mean to be so blunt and rude.

TBH I fear having a daughter because I'm scared of history repeating itself.



#18 DreamFeralisations

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:08 PM

I wish I knew the magic answer, because I am feeling rather disconnected from my beautiful 13 year old daughter at the moment.

I love my mum - she isn't a close friend but I would move heaven and earth for her as she would for me.  She was pretty strict but fair - I am hoping it wasn't the whole sent to boarding school from 12-17 that was the magic, though!!!

#19 libbylu

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:08 PM

I have a very close relationship with my mother.  She will give me her opinion if I ask, or perhaps offer it at other times when appropriate, but she always treats me as an equal, never a child, is careful not to interfere, would never tell me what she thinks I should do or how to do it etc. and asks and values my opinion on things too.  It is a very equal kind of relationship.  We have a lot of respect for each other and we are also extremely different from each other (I am more like my father).  Perhaps this helps!

We have always been quite close but lived in different countries for the majority of my 20s, so I guess we had a reasonable stint where our lives were very separate.  We are a big part of each others lives since DS was born as she has been a very involved grandparent which has benefited all of us enormously.

#20 I*Love*Christmas

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:27 PM

There is some great advice in here that I could really use. My DD is only 2 and I hope that we have an extremely close relationship. My mother and I aren't really close at all. In fact really thinking about it I have always wanted a close relationship but she has never seem interested. She always shut me out, treated me like a child even now. I can't really put into words what I mean but she never wanted the nice daughter mother relationship. If she went out to the movies or anything like that I was never welcome. I think since having my children we have grown further apart as it makes me feel amazed she thinks of me like that. If I didn't talk to her for months she would not care or probably notice. Things are always about her and she never seems to consider my life at all. Gosh don't know what I bother with her at all. I'm the only one that ever picks up the phone.

Definitely not letting this happen between DD and I.

ETA - Reading some PPs I think the issue is that she doesn't have any interest in my life at all. Even as a child she never seemed to notice or care. My brothers, because they were boys, had priority in terms of sport etc. At least I have figured it out and can change with DD. I am going to be interested and care about everything she does.

Edited by I*Love*Christmas, 13 January 2013 - 10:33 PM.


#21 blackbird

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:35 PM

My mother thinks we are close and have a bond and tries to fit with me but she doesnt really get it but she is gentle and kind so it doesn't really matter.

Just out of curiosity OP what star signs are you and your mother?

#22 Lim Lam

Posted 13 January 2013 - 11:05 PM

QUOTE (*mylittleprince* @ 13/01/2013, 09:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I absolutely adore my mom. I think the key to our great relationship is that we have very similar personalities (upbeat, positive, resilient, say it like it is type of people). We both don't get easily offended, can say exactly what we think and move on. I don't like passive aggressive or whingy/woe is me type of people and so we get on well as we think a lot alike!

She raised me as a daughter not a friend. Was always open and honest and I could talk to her about anything. She put boundries in place that at the time (teenager) I couldn't appreciate, but I now respect.

Since becoming a mom and wife I appreciate and respect her more and more.

She does annoy me sometimes as she is quite bossy and likes to tell me what to do but then I tell her and she backs off so it's all good original.gif


yep, me too.  I love my mum

#23 ~ky~

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:29 AM

My Mum was physically and mentally abusive due to a never dealt with anger issue from her childhood. She only ever took it out on my Dad and myself, my younger sister was only ever loved.

But, she was a fantastic mother in the other ways that counted. She listened to me, would sit up all night helping me with a difficult piece of homework (once reading an entire book to me that I just couldn't get stuck into) and when we were smaller, would do things like lie in the grass with us watching the ants - a great Mum, really. I always, always knew I was loved. I knew that my angry Mum was not who she truly was.

I miss her ... she passed away 17 years ago and in the last 2 years of her life, we developed a really fantastic and close friendship after she apologised for what she had done and asked for my forgiveness.

With my nearly 12yo daughter, I have only ever been her mother.

We talk, a lot and are completely open with each other. I have always investigated things with her, answered her questions, hugged her when she needed it and left her alone when she needed solitude. I am her biggest fan and her gentlest critic. I encourage her to be independant and give her freedom but I still give her boundaries. I pick my battles and yes, there are some things that others may frown upon (like swearing if she hurts herself), but there are far more important things to worry about.

Yes, I have disciplined her but never without explanation, warnings and love. I always give her a chance to give her point of view and let her case be heard. I am willing to back down if I am wrong and I never, ever react in anger. I don't treat her the same as her siblings and they are completely different to each other.

Most of all, I love, love, love her and she knows it!

She is growing to be a wonderful young lady who is focussed on her studies, has some wonderful friends, has goals, is loving with her brother and sister and has gained my trust through earning it. Sure, she still does dumb things and gets in trouble, but don't we all? She has to deal with the consequences as nothing less will happen in real life.

Please, don't anyone be scared about how they will parent a daughter based on your own experience. You are NOT your mother, you are an individual who has her own mind, brain and heart. You will love in your own way and as long as you and your daughter keep communication open and honest and you let her know how much she means to you, you will do fine.

I love having daughters just as much as I love having a son! They each present individual challenges and individual delights. Being a parent isn't an easy task, but bear in mind that children are given to us a babies so that we can learn along side them.

Edited by ~ky~, 14 January 2013 - 03:32 AM.


#24 courtney-b

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:41 AM

My mum and I are as close as I can ever imagine a mother and daughter being. In the end, I think our close relationship has come down to two things. Firstly, my mum has always been incredibly interested in me and what is going on in my life. I played a lot of competitive sport as a child and she attended every single game of anything I ever played. Not in a pushy parent type of way, but in a supportive way that made me always feel great about myself. It wasn't until I was much older that I appreciated that this was probably not her favourite way to spend every weekend!

When my brother was going through the teenage years and she said she started to feel a bit disconnected to him, she used to stay up until the early hours of the morning watching games of NBA which he was interested in at the time so that the next day she could talk to him about the players and the games and what was going on.

Even now, I live on the other side of the world in a different time zone and we still talk every day. It isn't intrusive, my mum just loves to know the mundane details of my day which is really nice. And I love hearing about hers! She has a really amazing way of making my brother, my husband and I feel like the most special people in the whole world. I think this is because she always makes us feel like she has time for us.

The other thing growing up that really contributed is that I was always allowed an opinion. We could always have a discussion about something, (curfew or whatever) but often it would still be that what my mum and dad decided went! However, there was never a 'because we are the parents and that is that' attitude. As we grew older and became adults, these discussions still took place without the 'this is what you have to do' at the end, so it was a natural progression into a friendship as equals.

My husband's parents have always been 'parents'. He is in his mid thirties, they have no idea about the wonderful, kind person he is because they have never tried to get to know him. They have been too busy trying to tell him what to do and how he should be. It is sad. But we have a clear path lay before us by my wonderful mother and father as to how we want to parent our children.

#25 Feral Cancerian

Posted 14 January 2013 - 06:00 AM

Can't answer re: good mother-daughter relationships, but I can recommend a good book: My Mother, My Self by Nancy Friday.
With bad mother-daughter relationships, she suggests that jealousy on the mother's part can be the root cause, and I think she's right. So maybe the key to being a good mother is simply to accept your stage in life and not to envy her youth, freedom, prospects etc.




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