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How do you stop yourself from judging others?
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#1 Jax12

Posted 07 February 2013 - 02:43 AM

I posted a few times in the Chrissie Swan thread and as bad as I feel for her as a person I am finding it really difficult to separate my judgement of that particular behaviour because it's something I feel so strongly about.

To paraphrase from my last post on the matter...

As much as we *shouldn't* judge others as we all are flawed individuals (trust me, I am so far from perfect I'd be too embarrassed to start listing all the sources of my mother's guilt) is it wrong that when a person engages in an activity that is in such opposition to a fundamental value of yours, that you judge them? Isn't that how we make sense of the world and figure out what's right or wrong to us? When I say judge, I am referring to thoughts you keep to yourself at the time and not nasty comments or evil looks in the person's direction.

For those who say not to judge others, can you turn this off at will?

When you see an unsupervised toddler at the pool or beach, someone texting while driving, a pregnant woman smoking, an able bodied person using a disabled toilet, a 1 year old's smashing back a coke...or whatever it may be that really challenges a belief, value or attitude of yours, how do you turn the judgement off?

Yes, I know, focus on your own life, your own kids, mind your own business...but there are some subjects that I feel so strongly about that I can't seem to stop myself reacting passionately.  

Would love to hear from others who are less judgey than me, as I truly am trying to work on this.



#2 ~Supernova~

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:08 AM

We all judge, it is human nature. But unless something is clearly dangerous, I keep my opinions to myself. It's not my life, they aren't my kids, and I am far from perfect myself.

At the moment I judge everyday when I take DD to school and see multiple parents smoking in cars with little kids, makes my goddamn blood boil (and I'm a smoker). Does anyone know the legalities on this in QLD btw?

And I really feel for Chrissie Swan, I was in her exact position. I ended up kicking it, but until then spent every day in tears, a miserable guilty mess that this addiction was so strong that my love for my unborn baby was not enough. Horrible, horrible time. Oddly enough, I still judge it when I see it, but in my head if you truly WANTED to quit, you wouldn't be brazenly wandering the mall 7mths pregnant with a fag hanging out of your mouth. I hid at home and did it, such was my deep shame. I knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong. Even now I never take my smokes when I am anywhere with the kids. They don't deserve to be exposed to my filthy habit.


#3 lozoodle

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:30 AM

I think its human nature to judge, we all do it. I just try to do it inwardly and not say anything. Im sure plenty of people judge me for whatever reason and thats fine, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

#4 tres-chic

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:52 AM

For me it's this simple:

Judge maybe. Condemn no.

Yes if you're honest you are going have some immediate reactions to situations you observe, good and bad.

But I subscribe to the view that most people are good. Most people try so hard and deserve at least the benefit of the doubt and support and help if I am in a position to give it.

Just seems the height of ignorance to start screeching in moral judgment about things I don't understand just because someone's on TV.

#5 Feral timtam

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:53 AM

Everybody judges.

The trick is not letting it create a permanent opinion of someone. It's more a case of don't let judging crowd your judgement.


#6 krich78

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:53 AM

To judge is human. To forgive Devine!
We all judge. I wouldn't worry about it. Best you can do is ensure you only act appropriately.

#7 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:10 AM

Yep, we all judge it's in our nature, I just try to remind myself when I am judging how imperfect I am, I take myself to a time when I have done less than perfect, remember the reasons behind why I was not making perfect choices at that time and then remember that the person I am judging could be going through any number of things.
People do change and grow and "when they know better, they do better"  Generally.

In more personal relationships  I try to give people chances and opportunities to change and grow.  Trying to educate people is much healthier than getting all worked up so sometimes just a friendly word to someone sews a seed and can be the catalyst for change, because really when someone is making a less than perfect choice what we really want the outcome to be is that they realise and do better. We don't want them to feel totally crap as a human being and end up doing worse.


Edited by lifehacker, 07 February 2013 - 06:12 AM.


#8 BadCat

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:20 AM

I like judging.

What I try not to do is let a single issue form my entire opinion of a person.  People are complex and the same person who acts poorly in instance A may be a shining example of humanity in instance B.

I guess it's like what you do with your kids.  Hate the behaviour not the person.

Not that I never let one incident form my entire opinion of someone.  Someone like Martin Bryant would be an example of that.

#9 hm6

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:26 AM

Think of the one bad thing that you do as a person/parent that you would like to change and that usually reminds me not to judge others. You can still have an opinion on something - like smoking when pg - but the old saying people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and as none of us are perfect nor have anyone of us finished our journey as a parent then we need to bear it mind before we judge others.

#10 axiomae

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:54 AM

Agree with PPs - everyone judges, it's how you express that judgement that can be harmful. For me, it's a vent with DP as we take the baby and the dog for our afternoon walk - "You won't believe what I saw today!" - kind of thing. I'd never let another person know I was judging them, because it's not helpful, and my snap judgement based on one moment is just that - not a true reflection of a whole person or their circumstances.

#11 CountryFeral

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:08 AM

Everybody makes judgements of other people's behaviour - it is how we test our own moral compasses.

We need to know right from wrong - it is a basic skill, one I am sure you are trying to foster in your own children.

It is how we act on our judgements that matters.  

If you see someone doing something that you think is wrong, use it to reflect on your own behaviour and make some personal adjustments accordingly then that is great.

If you see someone doing something you think is wrong and then take great delight in pointing this out to other people as a means to compare your wonderful, impeccable perfection in all things in the light of their terribleness.... well, that is not great.

#12 butterflies

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:14 AM

EACH TO THEIR OWN is my motto.


so what if she is smoking when pregnant, her child, her life

so what if that one year old is drinking coke, not your child.

I find it very easy to build a wall, though only recently.  I used to judge terribly and have a b**ch about others, but I just don't care any more, that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be though.  each to their own.........




#13 4kidlets

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:29 AM

QUOTE
At the moment I judge everyday when I take DD to school and see multiple parents smoking in cars with little kids, makes my goddamn blood boil (and I'm a smoker). Does anyone know the legalities on this in QLD btw?




I dont know about Qld but is illegal to smoke in cars with children in them in SA.


I actually thought it was a federal law but I may be wrong on that.

#14 SnazzyFeral

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:56 AM

I judge, everyone does but I also have compassion and empathy because I don’t know everything about everyone.

#15 greatwon2

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:59 AM

I embrace the judging in my head but take care to not let it out thru my mouth or actions toward others. I'm sure everyone the world over could be judged harshly by others for some reason but if its not affecting me personally, what others do with their life isn't my issue.

Everyone does judge tho ,i think perhaps it gives us a small thrill that in that particular little way - we are doing better than someone else. I don't think this is a bad thing really ...until you go around pointing that out original.gif

#16 chickenpants

Posted 07 February 2013 - 08:17 AM

I know I can definitely be a Judgy McJudgerson.

As CountryMel said, "It is how we act on our judgements that matters."  I use it to better myself if I find I can relate a bit, or to ensure that I don't go down that path if it's something I find deplorable.

I tend to keep it to myself though, unless someone else I'm with sees it too and makes a comment.

To each their own though, as an example:
If people are happy to let their children run around with filthy filthy faces and sticky hands, so be it.  They would probably judge ME for avoiding said children though, and perhaps throwing the child an 'ew, get away' look.


#17 sāta kōrsa

Posted 07 February 2013 - 08:35 AM

QUOTE (Jax12 @ 07/02/2013, 03:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
When you see an unsupervised toddler at the pool or beach, someone texting while driving, a pregnant woman smoking, an able bodied person using a disabled toilet, a 1 year old's smashing back a coke...or whatever it may be that really challenges a belief, value or attitude of yours, how do you turn the judgement off?

Of course I judge, everyone does.  To varying degrees, with the examples you mentioned, which would affect how much I reacted.  One year old smashing back a coke?  I'd think to myself 'not ideal, but meh'.  Toddler by themselves near water?  That's a potentially life-threatening safety issue, so I'd hang around to make sure they were ok.

Sure I judge (to myself) if I see a pregnant woman smoking, but I wouldn't say anything.  What's the point?  She knows she's harming her child, and unless she's a sociopath, she already feels terrible and is doing all she can to stop or cut down.

QUOTE
Everyone does judge tho ,i think perhaps it gives us a small thrill that in that particular little way - we are doing better than someone else.

Seeing the examples mentioned above doesn't give me the slightest thrill.

#18 RichardParker

Posted 07 February 2013 - 08:50 AM

I just remains about an occasion or situation where I've done a similar thing, and think about all of the challenges in life that make it hard to do the right thing all of the time.

I've never smoked while pregnant, but I have definitely done reckless things which are detrimental to me or which put me or my loved ones at risk.  Usually I do those things because I'm strung-out, or in self-destruct mode, or there are things outside of my control that make it difficult to avoid doing those things.  

It could just as easily be me smoking while pregnant if the cards were dealt and played just a little bit differently.

#19 TheGreenSheep

Posted 07 February 2013 - 08:54 AM

I judge, we all judge.

However most things don't evoke a strong enough emotion/ response/ opinion in me to verbalize it.

#20 Propaganda

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:27 AM

I think it's fine to judge a behaviour as wrong or right. It's natural and it's not really something you can hope not to feel. We use this judgement to make decisions for ourselves.

I think judging someone as a bad person because of bad behaviour is unfair though, and that's what people often dislike when it comes to judgement. Seeing one thing about someone and thinking that means you know how they are as a person.

We all judge like this, and I don't think we'll ever stop completely, but I do try to stop and think and consider the possibilities of the situation. I try to imagine myself in that position, or relate it to someone I am close to or myself and my own situation. For example, while I'm not and never have been a smoker, I have suffered other addictions in my life, and so I begin to relate to her addiction to cigarettes by comparing it to my own addictions. I was just lucky that my addictions weren't as likely to have an affect on a foetus as smoking does. That wasn't anything I did to do that, I was just fortunate.

There are things I will outright judge as I cannot see a possibility as to why it happened that way. For example, while I can understand a pregnant smoker finding it difficult to quit entirely simply because she is pregnant, and then last an entire 9 months without a cigarette, I cannot understand how someone can smoke with their children in the car. It's not asking you to quit cold turkey or go without for 9 months - it's asking you to abstain while your children are in the car. If you really must have a smoke at that minute, pull over, get out and do it that way.

#21 steppy

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:30 AM

I don't turn off judging ever, but I activate the SEP field (somebody else's problem).

#22 Oriental lily

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:42 AM

I think humans who don't judge is a bigger disservice than those who do.

It's trying to blance out the unconstructive judgement with the constructive.

We all she judge those inflicting destructive child abuse for example.
But there is a grey agree when judgement becomes more a matter of opinion.
Or when judgments are based on sketchy facts and half truths.

So I think the aim, that no one I know has perfected, is to become a fair judger.

Our views and what we are mre likely to judge on is also clouded by our experiences and biases.

A nurse working everyday in a NICU is more likely to be more judgemental and angered by a smoking pregnant woman than a person who as never been exposed to babies.

#23 JRA

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:43 AM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 07/02/2013, 07:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Everybody makes judgements of other people's behaviour - it is how we test our own moral compasses.

We need to know right from wrong - it is a basic skill, one I am sure you are trying to foster in your own children.

It is how we act on our judgements that matters.  

If you see someone doing something that you think is wrong, use it to reflect on your own behaviour and make some personal adjustments accordingly then that is great.

If you see someone doing something you think is wrong and then take great delight in pointing this out to other people as a means to compare your wonderful, impeccable perfection in all things in the light of their terribleness.... well, that is not great.


Well said

As for each to their own, it makes a huge difference if it affects me: yes I will judge people who drink drive, who drive while talking on the phone - not hands free, or text while they drive, or park dangerously / illegally.



#24 Ally'smum

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:50 AM

I think it is part of our human make up to judge someone and it is important as a society that we do it.

As PP have said, people are complex, the answer isn't not to judge them, it is to see that one factor in the whole makeup of a person.

It is important that people see smoking while pregnant as a bad  thing and exert social pressure to stop people doing it. For every Chrissie Swan that is publicly scrutinised, there are 10 women who feel it is unacceptable to smoke and social pressure is part of that, so I feel in some ways Chrissie is helping our society as a whole by being in this situation.

#25 steppy

Posted 07 February 2013 - 09:55 AM

My harshest judgements are for people who like to murder for money or mutilate others for kicks or who think they are so right about something that they'd ride rough shod over anyone else to prove or support what is basically a subjective viewpoint.




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