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Partner with such opposing views


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#1 Guest_LeChatNinjah_*

Posted 13 February 2013 - 01:30 AM

How do you do it?

DP and I have been together (off and on, lol) for 5 years now.  We don't live together and never have, but that's more situation than lack of love.

We have hugely differing political views, and all views that are even vaguely attributed to politics.

I'm more left than Ghandi, he's more right than Hitler.

No, really, we did a test thing online, and that's what it said.

Can that ever, ever work?

I do love him so much.  He loves me.  But OMG, we couldn't clash more if we tried.

How do other couples in this boat cope?  I'm so tired of the mental clash, but I do still love him.



#2 adl

Posted 13 February 2013 - 04:37 AM

How boring if you agree on everything ?  Opposites attract and all that.....

Of course it's fine to have different views , you are individuals the important thing is that you respect each others right to their view,engage in interesting and healthy debates and enjoy the spice it can add to your relationship !!!!

Do you agree on other core values in your relationship ?

#3 Orangedrops

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:05 AM

Personally I couldn't be with someone who was right wing. I think it shows a lack of fundamental values like, compassion, a belief in justice and equal rights, the importance of caring for the environment and community responsibility for things like poverty and crime that would mean I could not respect someone like that no matter how much they loved me. But then again I could never love someone who had those sorts of views. So no it couldn't work for me, I don't know about you though.

#4 ~Supernova~

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:17 AM

I'd be bored stupid if my DH and I agreed on everything. We have some rather lively and passionate debates, and I love that. We DO lean the same way politically, but there are a few issues where we either flat out disagree, or I feel he is a bit too "meh" about a very serious issue. If we absolutely cannot even remotely agree on any of each others points we move on from that topic, or it ends in one of us upset lol.

BUT if you feel that he disagrees with you on core, moral beliefs then that is really up to you if you can live with it. I couldn't tolerate DH if he didn't believe in equality, or he was racist, those types of things. But I can live with him having different gun control ideas than me, or a different view of the justice system, it's all relative really.

#5 FiveAus

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:28 AM

QUOTE (Mareek @ 13/02/2013, 06:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd be bored stupid if my DH and I agreed on everything. We have some rather lively and passionate debates, and I love that. We DO lean the same way politically, but there are a few issues where we either flat out disagree, or I feel he is a bit too "meh" about a very serious issue. If we absolutely cannot even remotely agree on any of each others points we move on from that topic, or it ends in one of us upset lol.

BUT if you feel that he disagrees with you on core, moral beliefs then that is really up to you if you can live with it. I couldn't tolerate DH if he didn't believe in equality, or he was racist, those types of things. But I can live with him having different gun control ideas than me, or a different view of the justice system, it's all relative really.



Yes, this is us. There are some subjects I just flatly refuse to discuss anymore, because they invariably end with me being frustrated and angry (probably out of proportion to the subject matter), and on which we'll never agree, but most weekend see us having a lively discussion about something in the weekend paper on which we have opposing views. It makes the brain tick over, and is a good cure for boredom.

He is American, so he has slightly different gun control views than me, and that's been a topic of discussion recently......and very lively, I might add. I'm a bleeding heart when it comes to asylum seekers and refugees, he's not so much, we've had plenty of rousing discussions over that topic........fortunately, he's not racist, he's just a lot more conservative than me.


#6 ~Supernova~

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:32 AM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 13/02/2013, 05:28 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
He is American, so he has slightly different gun control views than me, and that's been a topic of discussion recently......and very lively, I might add. I'm a bleeding heart when it comes to asylum seekers and refugees, he's not so much, we've had plenty of rousing discussions over that topic........fortunately, he's not racist, he's just a lot more conservative than me.


You could be describing us, right down to him being American Tounge1.gif


#7 gabbigirl

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:33 AM

My husband and I have different political views.  We simply reflect our upbringings..I'm left wing with a working class migrant upbringing and he's a Liberal supporter, Reflecting  his country/ farm upbringing.  We have many debates about politics....


BUt our VAlues  are similar..he is kind, compassionate and one of the most respectful people I know, despite some right wing views he holds....
QUOTE
Personally I couldn't be with someone who was right wing. I think it shows a lack of fundamental values like, compassion, a belief in justice and equal rights, the importance of caring for the environment and community responsibility for things like poverty and crime that would mean I could not respect someone like that no matter how much they loved me. But then again I could never love someone who had those sorts of views. So no it couldn't work for me, I don't know about you though
.

Sorry but this is a little naive, compassion is not the domain of the left wing....my husband is a real softie, he just has different views on individual responsibility and justice.

#8 Orangedrops

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:26 AM

Lol I'm anything but naive, libertarian thinking is lacking in compassion at it's very core, it's essence is the abdication of community responsibility in favour of individual.

#9 MintyBiscuit

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:42 AM

I think it really depends on what the clashes are. DH and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but even on the things we agree on we often have differing levels of agreement IYKWIM. We're both atheist, but I'm very relaxed about religion in general whereas pretty much all organised religion drives DH batty and has him ranting and raving. We're both left leaning politically, but I would love to see welfare radically changed which leads to DH accusing me of being a capital L Liberal *shudder* There are other things, but for us it simply leads to robust debate, something we both enjoy.

I think if the differences were things that had an impact on where we want to go in life, or our ethics and morals, then it would be a problem. If those things clash I don't think it can work long term, but if it's differences of opinion I think it can. As PPs have mentioned, maybe some topics need to be off limits? There are things where DH and I have agreed to disagree, or at least leave things be for a while (religion being one of them). Some of these topics we'll be forced to confront as DS gets older, but with us the hypothetical arguments have always been more heated than discussions about things that impact us directly, and we're both happy to compromise if need be when it comes to these sort of things.

#10 Ohmydog

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:58 AM

I must admit I would struggle to be with someone who has very different views as myself politically as often those views (if well thought out and not just inherited from parents) reflect our core values and world views.  I also think that the left and right dichotomy is also not as useful as it once was as there are Politicians and factions on both sides which could be almost interchangeable.  Having said all that, if my partner could not show compassion and understanding about the plight of refugees for instance I would be seriously reconsidering their "partner" status.  

Just as an aside - if my partner also was not an animal nut - it wouldnt work either.  Our house is a zoo and a non animal nut would just not cope!!

ETA: despite our similar views - there is nothing boring about our conversations or debates at home!

Edited by ILBB, 13 February 2013 - 07:01 AM.


#11 B.feral3

Posted 13 February 2013 - 07:36 AM

The views of the right are completely removed from my core beliefs and values and I find them ignorant and offensive. I'm on such a different page that I struggle to even befriend people who are supportive of the ideology. There are many debate points where DH and I don't agree to keep things interesting, but we are both well and truly left of the line.  

For me, a relationship wouldn't work.  That's not to say that you can't make it however... I just don't have any answers for you. What a conundrum OP.

#12 Bel Rowley

Posted 13 February 2013 - 07:40 AM

My husband and I have very different views on a number of issues. His political leanings and attitudes to various things have changed since we first started dating. We actually both came from very similar backgrounds and with very similar values. His family are all very left-wing teachers or public servants, much like mine. DH has been sucked into the corporate world and become more a right wing capitalist, which can be quite upsetting. I try to keep him level headed, but he has definitely changed. It's certainly not ideal, but I can't expect him to think the same way I do on everything, we're both adults who can think for ourselves.

#13 The Old Feral

Posted 13 February 2013 - 07:49 AM

We're the same LCN, and have been married 10 years.

We've learned the hard way to never discuss politics except in friendly banter and to stop if anyone's becoming serious.  And never ever while drunk!

Oh and he is under threat of losing vital body parts if he votes Liberal while Abbott's in charge.

#14 Cat People

Posted 13 February 2013 - 07:57 AM

I guess it depends how much they leaned to the opposite.  Politics are pretty important to me and I do believe it says something about the person's core values.  I just couldn't be with someone who say voted for Tony Abbott because he was going to "send the boats back".  If he was just an apathetic voter who liked a few of Liberal's money managing policies, I could possibly deal with that.  Possibly.  They would have to have many redeeming features to make up for it.  Essentially Liberal is everything I'm against morally and ethically, so I don't see how I could gel with someone who agreed with their policies.

Edited by Madame Protart, 13 February 2013 - 08:00 AM.


#15 CountryFeral

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:00 AM

Honestly?

I don't think it can work.  I was in the same position many years ago and while I utterly loved him, and he I.  

I walked away.

We were still in the passion phase of the relationship - if we had spent a lifetime together we would have had to change.  He was still able to dismiss my views as naive, I was able to understand and avoid certain subjects where I knew where he would say something reprehensible.

But long term?  I knew there would come a time where we wouldn't be able to say "We aren't going to discuss this.." and jump into bed instead.



#16 Missy Shelby

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:02 AM

My DH and I have very different points of view when it comes to alot of things but one thing we really click on is we both have a great sense of humour and love to have a laugh.

Also, we both have the same taste in music and we both love music wub.gif so there never seems to be a argument on what we are listening to.

We have learnt through time not to discuss certain issues because he has his point of view and so do I.  We are both adults and it is ok that it is like this.

#17 la di dah

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:15 AM

DH and I are very different politically.

But its a specific kind of different. I'm a fairly right-wing small-l libertarian that's registered Republican. He's a Green.

We have enough overlap that while we disagree on tons and tons of things, we don't feel the other is actively a bad person.

I don't think I could be with a Democrat. DH has said he couldn't be with a Liberal. (I find it hard to tell some Liberals and some Democrats I have known apart in any case) We are each so far out on the ends we actually start to touch on some things.

One thing DH does that really gets me frosty at the moment is unilaterally deciding I'm NOT a conservative. He no longer describes us as a left-wing/conservative pairing because he says that my 100% support of abortion, gay marriage, secular government, etc. are not conservative positions. I disagree on that as I simply believe that's outside the sphere of the small government I support.

So to annoy him back I sometimes declare that if I am not the conservative I thought I was, I must be a Green. The only small-government pro-gun Green, apparently. Claiming that annoys him too.

Anyway we've been together since 2007 and nobody's throttled the living hell out of anybody. He'has moved slightly  libertarian on some things and I have looked at the Greens a bit more. I was always into environmental stuff as a personal interest so he doesn't find me too embarrassing at the meetings. roll2.gif

#18 Cat People

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:20 AM

QUOTE (la di dah @ 13/02/2013, 09:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One thing DH does that really gets me frosty at the moment is unilaterally deciding I'm NOT a conservative.


I have to agree with him.  I've seen you claim to be a conservative and a republican voter a few times and it leaves me perplexed.  You're a left-leaning-tree-hugging-hippy who agrees with a few conservative principles, but a full-on conservative?  You can't be with your views.  They'd probably kick you out themselves.



#19 Angelot

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:43 AM

There are so many shades of conservative that it gets confusing.

I mean, I'm also a migrant (from a place where there was no TV before 1980 or so, because the government thought it would be bad for society).  My cultural background makes me look positively Neanderthal to many people.  And yet, at the same time, I get accused of being liberal by other people.  It depends what issue you're using as the litmus test of the day.

FWIW, OP, DH and I vote very differently and have different instincts, politically.  But behind that, we both want what's best for people; we just disagree about how to achieve that.  I can respect the similar values while being utterly frustrated at the different understanding of how to go about making them a concrete reality.

Look, TBH for us it was more likely to be a problem that we belong to different church denominations, and somehow we've made that work...  unsure.gif

#20 sheamus

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:00 AM

QUOTE
FWIW, OP, DH and I vote very differently and have different instincts, politically. But behind that, we both want what's best for people; we just disagree about how to achieve that. I can respect the similar values while being utterly frustrated at the different understanding of how to go about making them a concrete reality.


This to me is the crux of this issue - gabbi girl, beautifully said.

Narrow minded, vengeful, non-compassionate left wing and right wing people are actually similar in core values. If you don't believe what they do they wont associate with you, mock you and aim to destroy the enemy.

I consider myself left of centre however, I know someone who is also left of centre and believes in graffitiing every capitalist enterprise he comes across. We have similar political views yet it's how he embarks on his views that prevents us from being friends. He wants to save the world but he also wants to destroy half of it in the process.

My husband on the other hand is more right of centre yet is so compassionate to everyone and is respectful of my views. He may have voted liberal , but he has shown a lot more genuine compassion for people and animals than the other more left inclined person I know. He has taken on my children as his own and loved them intensely. He is a big ol softie.

Please don't let it put you off OP- it's a waste of a good relationship with plenty of conversation topics if you throw it in because of some pre-concieved notion of what he should believe. How does he deal with you? Your children? How does he handle it when you disagree? Do you stop loving him even after a disagreement? These questions are what's important.

Edited by Omega_particle, 13 February 2013 - 09:08 AM.


#21 lamarque

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:02 AM

QUOTE (Poet in New York @ 13/02/2013, 09:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That type of simplistic thinking shows a distinct lack of imagination. I'm really on the fence politically (which makes voting interesting!) but I have many friends and family members who are Lib voters and none of them is lacking in any of the values you listed. The only person I can think of is a neighbour who is VERY right-leaning and I do find his views intolerant (we have some passionate debates). For the most part though, most Liberal voters are pretty centrist and care about every issue you raised. The idea of the extreme fanatic as a typical voter is just so far from the truth.

Couldn't agree more with this comment.  

I consider myself a conservative but I am pro-choice and support gay marriage.  I have voted for both parties previously.

OP I filled out that online survey before and I am apparently left of the middle but that doesn't mean my local Labor member will get my vote!!

ETA - I've seen a couple fighting re: politics and it was a sad sight.  I don't particularly care if you are left or right but if you berate and shove your views down people's throats than that can only end in tears, as did the relationship above.

Edited by lamarque, 13 February 2013 - 09:05 AM.


#22 unicorn

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:02 AM

Politically DH and I are both lefties, although he doesn't show the least amount of interest.
As for being polar opposites yeah we are, I'm quite and careful in my approach to most things, I love nature and animals and don't like to raise my voice, preferring to avoid conflict. Where as DH is very red. He is loud and can be aggressive in his approach, he is a red neck westie through and through. We balance each other out and for the most part it works well.

#23 la di dah

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:21 AM

QUOTE (Madame Protart @ 13/02/2013, 09:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have to agree with him.  I've seen you claim to be a conservative and a republican voter a few times and it leaves me perplexed.  You're a left-leaning-tree-hugging-hippy who agrees with a few conservative principles, but a full-on conservative?  You can't be with your views.  They'd probably kick you out themselves.


You're not my husband! You can't talk to me like that!  ohmy.gif  laugh.gif

I consider myself pretty firmly a Goldwater Republican? Like not just because I like the sound, the values are a pretty good match for me. Not a Patriot-Act neo-con. But there's more than one flavour of right.

In actuality, I've gone a few rounds with some on the spectrum of right - once nearly physically. I can fight. Some conservatives will have me and some won't. I tend to go-round the hardest with conservatives from other states. I do all right in PA.

I am from Pennsylvania though... via wikipedia:
QUOTE
[Senator] Casey, like his father, is pro-life. He has publicly stated his support for overturning Roe v. Wade.[25] From Casey's election until Specter's party switch in April 2009, Pennsylvania had the distinction of being represented in the Senate by a pro-life Democrat and a pro-choice Republican (Arlen Specter).


But I assure you the left-leaning tree hugging hippies won't have me either, once I stop talking about organic gardening and start talking about other stuff. roll2.gif

But I'm a Constitutional conservative and I believe in limited government and not much governmental regulation. I believe in some things that are okay with the left - let's go with pro-gay marriage. But for what I see as essentially small-government reasons - I don't think it's the government's role to enforce religious rules on a secular contract with real-world protections and tax benefits. "Ain't no guvmint's business" is an old, old conservative plank - just one the centrist Romney-ites would bury as they like crawling up into everyone's business.

And right doesn't translate to right well across nations -  I am not going to be a Liberal. The Liberals are actually strongly reminiscent of the centrist blue dog Democrats I grew up with. I'm a fiscal conservative and social liberal. I knew a lot of people - even people I loved -  who flipped that (theocratic, socially conservative fiscal liberals) and I don't find that digestible or something I could support. Those are the left-wingers I grew up with.

#24 Cat People

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:31 AM

QUOTE (Omega_particle @ 13/02/2013, 10:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My husband on the other hand is more right of centre yet is so compassionate to everyone and is respectful of my views.


That's what is so confusing about the right-leaning.  The can be compassionate and kind to those they know, but the rest of the society they seem to wash their hands of.  How can you be compassionate if you believe in the Liberal policies on asylum seekers?  There isn't an ounce of compassionate in "send the boats back".   So he is either ignorant of their policies or not as compassionate as you believe - at least not to those who are not in his immediate circle.


#25 sheamus

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:41 AM

I get what you're saying Madame protart. Given my partner is the grandson of post WW2 immigrants who were fleeing a lot of poverty in his own country he doesn't have strong views on Asylum seekers. He doesn't say turn the boats back.
I have no time for that view either. It's purely mean especially when there are childrne involved.
I must say though, my partner is not just compassionate and caring to those he knows, he has compassion for many people. But compassion doesn't always mean branding everyone a victim and spoon feeding them as well despising the enemy (like the other graffitti person that I mentioned above). Even I agree with him there.

Edited by Omega_particle, 13 February 2013 - 09:56 AM.





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