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Hard situation with DS & XH

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#1 Anon2003

Posted 21 February 2013 - 07:59 PM

Long time member have to go anon. I have DS9 and DD5 to XH we split when DD was 11 months. I had both kids in my care 100%  until 2010 then XH had them second fortnightly. In 2011 I had an accident which made it so I couldn't drive for 6 months. We then decided for DS to live with XH full time and leave DD with me swapping kids every weekend so kids get to each each other . DS has behaviour issues he has huge temper trantums and in 2012 got suspended and then expelled from school so XH moved him schools closer to him but the new school would only take DS on part time hours much to my disgust no matter how much I pushed The school they wouldn't extend his hours. I got s mental health plan for DS to see a psychologist made the appointment but I had to work XH never took him I made more and he never went. He hasn't got s job his reason is DS doesn't need them. However will ring me saying he can't handle  DS and to come get him.
At my house DS is well behaved typical 9 yrs old behaviours but nothing big, however his father and him just bounce off each other. XH has. GF who DS hates he says she smacks him when naughty and yells at him which she confirmed she did but so does my XH. Last year there was an incident which got DHS involved they got support services in place to help deal an manage DS behaviour at their house. But once they had them a month XH stopped being involved and I kept pushing for them to be more involved in making him go to appointment. Thought this time I have asked DS if he want to live back with me but every time it's NO dad lets me play my play station and stay up late at your house I have rules and early bed times. This hurts so bad we don't have court orders I have tried to keep him here but XH called the police and because his listed under his care with centerlink he had to go back and police told me to go to court. Which I would but I cannot afford it he gets legal aid because he refused to work.
He spends his days sleeping and smoking while DS is at the house sometimes without supervision, DHS knows this and still discharged them from their service. Last week I got yet another call DS keeps running away you need to come get him so I go have a meeting with all of them and once again DS is returned to XH. Now after all this time his contacted child support saying he wants them to collect from I me, until now we had a private arrangement we each have a child therefor neither of us pay each other. The assessment is I pay him $90 a week he has to pay me $1.25 a week. I have never asked him to pay for anything even when i had them 100%, this year i paid for DS school books and uniform cause he said he couldnt afford it and i didnt want DS going to school looking like a hobo. Its so hard I just don't know what to do. I would love DS to come back here but then we had issues on how to get him to school the local school he used to go to and where DD goes and my mum walks her wont take him and we both start work at 7am I cannot quit my job I cannot find before school care for a 9 yr old. I am stressed to the max my heart hurts because I want nothing more than to help DS but XH just makes it do hard!
I'm not sure what I am asking but any advise is welcome I've got the flame suit one no doubt ill need as someone will say I'm a bad mother. Through this DD is just ticking along she is starting to get pushed aside every weekend he is meant to see her she hasn't been there in 6 weeks. Honestly I like she doesn't go but not fair on her.

Anyway anything is welcome

Edited by Anon2003, 21 February 2013 - 08:02 PM.

#2 The Tiger

Posted 21 February 2013 - 10:42 PM

Go to court and get some orders in place and get your son back before his life is completely screwed. I have a 9 year old boy. Couldn't imagine him going through all that crap.

#3 butterflydreaming

Posted 21 February 2013 - 11:06 PM

Find the money for court this is your son we are talking about, if it means you eat 2 minute noodles for a year then so be it. I know I would do what ever it took to get my son back if he was in that sort of environment.

#4 her mum

Posted 21 February 2013 - 11:15 PM

I was reading and you kind of lost me at the part where you couldn't take your son to important appointments because you had work. Yep, it would be more convenient if he took him, but that's not happening.

You need to start taking him, and you need to go to court. Step up.

#5 Magnus

Posted 21 February 2013 - 11:35 PM

Sounds like your son really needs to be out of that environment. If DOCS got involved it must be pretty bad. The schooling, money and work issues sound difficult, but they seem like secondary concerns at the moment. It sounds like your son is at risk if he is being left unsupervised, his mental health needs aren't being met and there are potentially issues to do with poverty if his dad has a very limited income. Maybe your son has behavioural and possibly mental health issues because of the dad and the environment, rather than necessarily being innately difficult.

I don't think it's such a big issue if your daughter isn't having regular contact with her dad. Her dad's place sounds like a pretty bad environment for a child right at the moment.

It sounds like you're the only one at the moment who is in a position to advocate for your son and make sure he's OK.

#6 Anon2003

Posted 22 February 2013 - 05:12 AM

if I dont work we dont eat/pay rent/live I have zero help from centerlink apart from a pittace of FTB.

the work/school might be secondary issues but still issues I need to sort out.

I'll ring family first again maybe they could shed some light

#7 ~char~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 05:59 AM

You really need to get legal advice.

#8 Natbub0610

Posted 22 February 2013 - 06:12 AM

I agree, get legal advice.

DS seems better in your care. Sounds like your XH is being a childish 9yo too instead of a parent.

You know in your heart, it's hard work to get him back but he's your son and you want whats best for him.

Besides Legal Aid, try and find a local Women's Centre, they can offer support and help you find legal advice and other services that you can use. You don't have to do it alone.

Good Luck!!

#9 *Spikey*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 06:25 AM

If he is running away, report it to DOCS. If he is complaining about being hit, or your XH is complaining he 'can't handle him', call DOCS. Get him back on the radar.

Phone the family court and ask them what you need to do to get parenting orders. It may not be as costly as you think.

#10 FauxPas

Posted 22 February 2013 - 06:52 AM

Go to the family court.  Ask if there are any pro bono lawyers that can help - there are plenty of legal advice centres around where you can see a lawyer for free.  Even if you have to go a few times.

If you make enough noise, ask for help enough, someone will help you.  Even if you have to fill our forms yourself, google information about what to put in them ....  you need to do it.  Help your son as that sounds like an absolutely tragic situation that is just on the decline.

#11 Furthermore

Posted 22 February 2013 - 06:53 AM

Do what you have to do - everything else comes second.

if I dont work we dont eat/pay rent/live I have zero help from centerlink apart from a pittace of FTB.

Go down to centre link and make an appointment with a social worker.  Tell them you are quitting your job to take care of this situation.  You will almost surely get payments and information on other services available.  Make an appointment with a financial counsellor if you don't know how your going to cope of limited income - get a strict budget in place.  Once you have care arrangement sorted you can go back to work.  For now, your son is more important than staying off benefits.

#12 Illiterati

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:38 AM

Given you currently don't get barely any ftb then: if you reduced work hours or went part-time you would have a lower pay and that may qualify you for higher ftb and rent assistance so you may actually not be too much worse off dropping a day or so of work.

#13 seepi

Posted 23 February 2013 - 09:38 AM

I would also be trying to get your son back.

right now he is a difficult 9 year old. If things dont' get under control a bit more for him, he will soon be an off the rails teenager, and it is very hard to get control back then.

seize the moment and try to do something now to sort this out and get your son a stable environment.

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