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Need your advice ladies

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#1 MummaSmyth

Posted 19 March 2013 - 02:49 PM

An abundance of hormones is probably making this all seem much worse than it is...

My husband was always the one who wanted children, 3 weeks after we began dating he had already told me he wanted to get married and have children so I always imagined that he would be excited and happy when the time came and would want to be as involved as he could be. It has not been like that at all.
He only ever talks about bub if I initiate the conversation and even then a 30 second conversation seems too hard. He isnt interested in the nursery, what happens at doctors appointments, I cant talk to him about things I am worrying about...even when he comes to the scans he sits there looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. I asked him in January to start writing a list of names he liked and he is still yet to get this done, I have had to force him to even start thinking of names he may like...we have 16 weeks to go and he will be leaving to work away in 4 weeks.
Last night was the final straw. I tried to put his hand to my belly to feel bub kick. He didnt move so that he could feel it properly and just put the back of his hand to my belly. When bub kicked he didnt say a word, didnt even look away from his phone - he was more interested in whatever rubbish he was looking at on Facebook than to even acknowledge that he had felt his baby kick. This broke my heart and I'm now feeling alone and upset at a time that I imagined would be one of our happiest.
I have a great group of friends and very supportive family who I can vent to and talk to about the pregnancy but it's really not the same. I thought we would be able to share this experience but now it seems it's not going to be anything like I had imagined.
I have spoken with DH prior to last night and let him know that I felt he wasn't happy or excited about having this baby and he assured me he was but his actions since then say otherwise.
While I would hate for anyone else to be feeling this way, I really want to know that Im not alone and that this can be 'normal'.

Advice please girls....

#2 Especially*K*

Posted 19 March 2013 - 02:56 PM

I think it is hard for some men to be 'all up in the baby shiz' when there is no physical baby there yet.

My FOB didnt come to any of my appointments which was fine, I didnt expect much talk about appointments because there really wasnt much to talk about really, even though I had GD.

I did the nursery myself because I chose too and im stubborn/impatient/just didnt want to wait for FOB.

When I hit problems at 36 weeks and bub was coming early, FOB switched on in an instant... because then it was all becoming real.

Maybe this is it for your hubby too?

Edited by K Boo Baa, 19 March 2013 - 02:57 PM.

#3 Jo-Anna

Posted 19 March 2013 - 02:59 PM

OP my DH was the same. I was worried all pregnancy that he wouldn't bond with our child. The second ds was born DH fell in love and has been the most wonderful father ever since.
I mentioned to him the other night that he is doing the same thing this time around. He just explained it's a very daunting time and that men are very visual creatures and when the babies arrive it is so much different, to be able to see and hold them. Don't forget, we get to spend 9 months with then growing inside us, having them with us and effecting our lives 24/7.
Please don't get too upset, I am certain once the baby arrives he will fall in love and be a great dad.

#4 Jingleflea

Posted 19 March 2013 - 03:03 PM

SOME men find it very hard to bond with the baby until they can see and touch it.
Some men don't actually LIKE a pregnant woman's body(not saying this is your husband, but it may be) as it's not the one they fell in lust with in the early days. Some men just don't get gushy about baby talk.

He might be stressed about the financial aspect of being a father, it's a big thing for men who like to see themselves as the provider. He might be stressed about going away and leaving you alone at home. he might be crap at talking about his feelings9like a lot of men).

If it was my husband, I'd back right off and leave him alone for a while. Pushing him and making him feel the kicks etc may push him further away and alienate him more.

Choose your names that you like, give them to him on a piece of paper, don't discuss them with him if he doesn't want to talk about it. Choose the baby stuff you want, take your mum shopping etc if it helps.
BUT if he hasn't asked about the baby before he leaves in 4 week, maybe you do need to push him to talk about it more, but not yet! Give him a week or 2 baby free.

I'm sure he will be a sobbing, gushing ball of fatherhood once it's born original.gif

#5 kimbennetta

Posted 19 March 2013 - 03:07 PM

for us mum's we are more likely to be natural with all of this as they are growing directly inside of you.  I also find that men, well they just don't really care about much unless it has a motor or a beer attached.  My husband was all excited about our baby and even came home and used to bath her everynight.  However, it wasn't to last long and now It seems I do most things and when I ask him to do something it makes you feel like a big inconvenience.  From what I have seen in my time of being a parent is when it comes to mum's it is just expected, but when it comes to dad's it's looked at more like babysitting.  Things may change when the baby comes, all I would suggest is talking to him and maybe try to push the conversation further to try and get to the bottom of the problem not just touch the surface.

hope this helps

#6 blueynat

Posted 20 March 2013 - 05:39 AM

OP my partner is the exact same as yours. When we first met said he wanted children and a family, and when I fell pg his attitude seemed to change instantly. Even now even though he has came to all appointments and u/s's still doesnt seem interested at all.
Wont discuss names or even help with the stuff we need for bub, shows no excitement what so ever. He tells me he is excited but in his own little way and he doesnt want to show it shrug.gif
So I now do what i need to do for bub myself and if he doesnt like it tell him he needs to start showing and wanting to show some interest. I'm still trying to get DP to help with a name which ends on deaf ears.

You are not alone and it is hard especially when the person you so desperately want to share everything with at this time doesnt show interest.

#7 RellBell

Posted 24 March 2013 - 08:53 AM

My partner is a little similar. He's discussed names and he seems to be getting more excited about baby, but isn't super interested in the kicks or the scans. Haha, my partner is almost 30, even though from the amount he plays with his phone you would think he was 19  rolleyes.gif

He looked at the screen for a while in the 18 week scan, but then started to play with his phone. I was a bit annoyed and asked him why he didn't care and he said "sorry, It was pretty amazing... but then when they started measuring the heart and I could see it beating I felt really queasy so I played with my phone to make me feel less like puking".

Gosh, can't believe your first born's heart would make you want to puke... men!

We also had a meeting with the doula and he played with his phone the entire time. She did go out of her way to ask him a few questions, but he replied with "yeah, it's alright", "yeah, it'll be fine". Later on he opened up to me and told me he was excited about the baby, but he was scared a little about the labour and he was scared about things financially. He suddenly feels like everything he's done so far in life hasn't got him to a position where he's a good enough "provider" and he feels really terrible about it. When I talk about how tired I am at work, it reminds him of how if he was a better provider I wouldn't have to worry and I could stay at home.

The doula also told me not to worry, men have a hard time becoming attached to the baby (even if they feel it kicking) because it's not "real" yet, and quite often come to the party the moment the baby is born.

I told DP that he can use his phone to text everyone when I go into labour to be on baby alert and he can text a photo when baby is born. If he sits there playing with his phone through my entire labour, I will murder him  cool.gif

#8 MummaSmyth

Posted 02 April 2013 - 11:56 AM

Haha, Relly23 that reminds me so much of my Hubby. I have moments where I just want to grab his phone and jump on the frigin thing!

Thanks for your input girls, makes it better knowing that it's not unusual for the men to be like this. And Jo-Anna your reassurance that once bub arrives he will change certainly puts my mind at ease. I know he will be a wonderful father.

Since I wrote the post he has begun to show a little more interest and now and again says things to show that he's excited in his own little way.

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