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Family doesn't support birth plan


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117 replies to this topic

#1 Lunafreya

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:22 AM

I'm only six weeks, but DH and I have been pretty set early on where to have the baby. We want to have it at Ryde birth centre under the midwife caseload program. There's so many things about it we love and it's very close to us.


Yet when I have discussed this with my mum and younger sister (YS is a doctor) they seem to be surprised that we're not seeing an OB.

My sister almost assumes that we would see one, and doesn't like what I've told her about the transfer to RNSH if there's complications. She also seems to think we wouldn't give as good care under a midwife, despite the fact that she actually worked with one as a student when the birth was standing up and she caught the baby.

My mum is kind if guilting me in saying after the MC, for a first birth, surely we should have an OB just to be safe? It also looks like it was YS who told her about this whole thing rather than me, which annoys me too.

Of course, if there looks to be complications or risks we would have no problem seeing an OB at RNSH. It's just that if things progress normally, we see no need.

Any ideas what to say? I'd like to have so,etching when we see my parents tomorrow.

#2 fr0g

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:31 AM

"My pregnancy.... my choice!?"

#3 qak

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:32 AM

You are giving birth, it is your decision.

Perhaps they see using a birth centre as you taking a swipe at what your YS does?

#4 FeralAndIKnowIt

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:34 AM

I'd just be telling them you have made your decision and there will  be no further discussion on the matter.

#5 Ellie bean

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:39 AM

Totally  with Frogisafrog.
Probably the less you get into it with them, the better. I'd just firmly say "thanks for your concern, this is what we already decided and we are happy with our choice." Then change the subject. If you keep repeating that and refuse to argue, they cant really do much.
Last time DD visited I wouldn't let him push DD high on a swing, I feel she's too little. He told me I was wrong and being observations, I just laughed and said "yep but I'm her mum so I win even if I'm wrong'. End of discussion.
You get to practice now or those fun conversation s!

#6 Lunafreya

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:43 AM

View Postqak, on 02 November 2013 - 07:32 AM, said:

Perhaps they see using a birth centre as you taking a swipe at what your YS does?
I'm not sure, it might be because YS think she knows better than that having an OB is the only way to go.

#7 Beqa

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:45 AM

Agree with Ellie bean - this is the first of many similar conversations.  Stand your ground now so they know the deal before they start having an opinion on every decision you make about your family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

#8 FluffyMcFluffins

Posted 02 November 2013 - 07:54 AM

I delivered my first using a caseloading midwife (which is all midwifery in NZ) and it was amazing. It's so nice getting to know one midwife and knowing she'll be the one delivering your baby.

My mum has also been a caseload midwife for 15 years and she misses it now the she works in a private hossy here in Aus. It's mostly electives and inductions.

There is just no need to see a OB if your pregnancy and baby a growing and progressing as they should, a midwife will do a wonderfull job for you and will refer you to an OB if you ever need it.

Good luck and stick to your guns. It's you and your partners decision, not your nosey YS.

:)

#9 Natttmumm

Posted 02 November 2013 - 08:01 AM

just tell them your planning to see an obyn if there is any issues atall


#10 Freddie'sMum

Posted 02 November 2013 - 08:05 AM

Congrats on your pregnancy OP.

Very exciting times for you and your DH.

With regards to your birth plan (and other people commenting on it - either agreeing or disagreeing) I can only say one thing:

"Welcome to Motherhood".

From here on in everybody and his cousin will feel they have the right to comment on every little thing you do.

Learn this lesson right now - at the very start of your pregnancy - "I am the Mum and we are doing it MY way".

Here endth the lesson.

#11 Nobodyelse

Posted 02 November 2013 - 08:09 AM

For future reference, you now know not to tell them your birth plan.

I was purposely vague about the details of my midwife program for DS1. I saw an OB twice during the course of the program. Once at the start, once one day before I went into labour. As my pg was straightforward with no complications, the OBs gave no further insight than I received from my very capable midwife.

I was so impressed with my care, I am going to do a midwife program again this time.

#12 Mianta

Posted 02 November 2013 - 08:15 AM

For normal risk women, midwifery is the gold standard of pregnancy care, a fact backed up by the World Health Organisation. Even if your mum doesn't know that, your sister, as a medical professional should.

Oh, and they should just be supportive. Because you are an adult and this is your choice.

#13 ABabyPlease

Posted 02 November 2013 - 08:24 AM

I guess this is why I didn't tell my family that I was pg until 17 weeks!

It seems that you are very close to your family which is nice but it might be time to pull away a bit and not let their opinions affect you.  

I agree with pp who advised that you tell them that you and your DP will be making all the decisions for your family. Let them know that you have heard their advice and considered it but you are sticking to your plan.

This sort of thing will likely go on for the next 20 plus years if you allow it.  Before my baby's birth I told my Mum that if she had any advice, she should tell my DP and let him tell me. This was very helpful in the early months as she didn't say anything!



#14 nano-tyrannus

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:00 AM

View PostKatana Geldar, on 02 November 2013 - 07:43 AM, said:

I'm not sure, it might be because YS think she knows better than that having an OB is the only way to go.

Scrubs S3E03

(guest star) Detective Stabler to Dr Cox summing up the theme behind the episode:

"Look you're a doctor, you have what I like to call 'the burden of knowledge'. You're gonna be worse then every parent who freaks out because their kid eats play-dough, why?... because you've seen too much... you've seen what can really go wrong..."



#15 red_squirrel

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:12 AM

It is your body and ultimately your choice.
Personally I would not risk having to have a Ryde to RNSH transfer. That is a long distance.
Emergencies unfold in a matter of minutes.
Unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of that, don't do it. "It won't happen to me", happens to someone.

#16 Lunafreya

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:16 AM

I sent her a link to the Mums at Ryde page, she sent this back to me. I'm fuming.

Quote

I had a look at the place, there is no doctor on site and to be honest that is a dangerous situation, if you have any complications such as severe bleeding there may not be enough time to transfer you to royal north shore and midwives can't manage these things, even though they may get phone advice you need a doctor to actually see you.I know you want to go here but i don't think it is safe given its your first pregnancy and anything can happen. Have a think about it and I'll call you next week

I sent back a message saying to respect our decision, I'm not sure that'll work and I'm expecting an angry phone call, but she's lost her right to know things now. From now on, everything is going to be "just fine" with no details.

It really annoys me she got in mums ear, she did this when DH and I were getting married.

Thank for your support ladies.

#17 Caitlin Happymeal

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:20 AM

Meh - I was adamant when I found out I was having twins that I was going to have an elective c-section. My choice. BIL tried to inform me that I don't have to and probably shouldn't. I said basically "yeah, thanks, I know, but I'll still be having a c-section".

I guess my point is, they really have no say, so I'd just say "thanks but decision made, no further conversation on the matter please".

#18 Lunafreya

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:27 AM

She's still fear-mongering. I hate this, we have our own anxieties about the pregnancy and I don't need to hear them from her too.

#19 magicalmum

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:29 AM

View Postnano-tyrannus, on 02 November 2013 - 09:00 AM, said:



Scrubs S3E03

(guest star) Detective Stabler to Dr Cox summing up the theme behind the episode:

"Look you're a doctor, you have what I like to call 'the burden of knowledge'. You're gonna be worse then every parent who freaks out because their kid eats play-dough, why?... because you've seen too much... you've seen what can really go wrong..."

guy
This is true. Your sister is probably just thinking of what she believes are your best interests.

However, it's your choice how you manage this pregnancy and your baby, and like PP said, get ready for similar conversations once your bub is born. It may be easier not to discuss your decision making around these topics with your family, and just go ahead with your plan, fill them in on the details but don't ask for their opinion.

On the other hand, if you're close to your sister, and want her to be more involved in your decisions, maybe you could invite her along to one of the midwife appointments so she could meet your midwife (not the first one, or any that involve big decisions, just one of the regular check up ones). This way, she may feel more calm and secure about the choice you've made and realise that you and your baby are in good hands.

Congratulations on your pregnancy


#20 PatG

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:30 AM

It doesn't sound like your family are being purposely nasty, I think you need to put their comments into the "well meaning but not requested" pile and move on.  Reiterate that you have made a decision and if anything medical comes up that warrants a change you will but for now could they please support you in your pregnancy and share your joy.

#21 Bazinga

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:32 AM

If she's a dr then ask her to be around during labour just in case?

#22 Milamum09

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:39 AM

I completely agree that it is your pregnancy and your choice. However,  I can see that, especially with your sister being in the medical profession, both your mum and your sister would hate to see something go wrong that could've been avoided and it is only natural they would want to warn you of any potential risks.

However if they have said their piece and you are still happy with your decision they should let it go.

Don't be too hard on them though. They are coming from a place of love.

#23 Soontobegran

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:42 AM

View PostKatana Geldar, on 02 November 2013 - 07:43 AM, said:

I'm not sure, it might be because YS think she knows better than that having an OB is the only way to go.

It would depend very much on what experience she has in obstetrics. For many the only time spent in an obstetric unit was their compulsory training/placement time which is not enough to establish which model of care is right for you.

I would ignore your family, you will see an obstetrician if the midwives have any reason to refer you on. Midwives are trained to manage a pregnancy and are aware of variations from the norm beyond the scope of their care.

#24 Unatheowl

Posted 02 November 2013 - 09:42 AM

View PostMilamum09, on 02 November 2013 - 09:39 AM, said:

I completely agree that it is your pregnancy and your choice. However,  I can see that, especially with your sister being in the medical profession, both your mum and your sister would hate to see something go wrong that could've been avoided and it is only natural they would want to warn you of any potential risks.

However if they have said their piece and you are still happy with your decision they should let it go.

Don't be too hard on them though. They are coming from a place of love.

I agree.  I would imagine they are probably worried about you and the baby.

#25 Lunafreya

Posted 02 November 2013 - 10:02 AM

View PostBazinga, on 02 November 2013 - 09:32 AM, said:

If she's a dr then ask her to be around during labour just in case?
That would not only be unwanted but unethical. I will admit it was great to have her there when dealing with hospital things when we were miscarrying, she was able to give details so DH and I could be together.

I know she means well, and has concerns but there's a difference between that and what's she's doing. But as for worried ness, everything seems to be doing fine so far. My HCG was sky high at my bloodiest, so high that the GP said there was no need for a repeat test, there's no bleeding, no serious pain and no medical history in me or my family to worry about.




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