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Unplanned pregnancy for the old

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#1 Splendid3

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:10 PM

I am soon to be 39 with a nine year old and a 11 month old. It took soooo long to get the 11 month old and now I am unexpectedly pregnant with a third. I am completely freaking out as this was not anticipated, planned, or really very possible considering the eight years for the second.

My DH is booked for a vasectomy in a week's time as we were completely done with two (we had a scare with DD was three months and knew then we were completely done and have been hyper vigilant since then). I am not sure what to do. I love the idea of a third, the reality is we are old and getting older, I am not sure I can go back to newborns again and I am going crazy at home already. On top of that I am super worried about money and know that with a third we won't be able to give all the kids the things we would like (not overseas holidays or anything, more private education etc).

I am currently weighing my options and have no idea what to do. DH is on board either way, but he has the same worries, money, time and age. If I was five years younger I wouldn't hesitate, but it finally feels like we are getting a life back and I am not sure I can go back, especially as we have been in a holding position for so long.

Anyone been in a similar position?

#2 mmk

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:21 PM

I've not been there, but given you would otherwise have kept the baby I'd be seriously considering before you decide that you don't want to now.... It should be much easier than your 8 year gap I would have thought because you still have everything and are sleep deprived already...

I'm 21w with a surprise and given we weren't planning 3 we had to adjust.  I'll be 36 though when the baby is born.  There's no way we would have terminated this pregnancy based on logistics. We just bought a new a car (that we can't really afford) and will play things by ear in a few months time.  Irresponsible, maybe, but our choice.  I wouldn't judge you on your choice either, but the one thing that stood out was what your position would have been 5 years ago.

Good luck! And congratulations? :)

#3 opethmum

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:45 PM

There are people who are older than you falling pregnant all the time, do not let age define your choice. You can do this and be amazed at your body's ability to fall pregnant! At the end of the day your children are your heritage to this earth and your legacy.  The crisis will pass and your confidence will build as this pregnancy progresses.


#4 Splendid3

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:50 PM

Keep it coming ladies, you are talking me down from the ledge! I don't *think* that we would ever consider termination, not because I don't believe in it, more because considering the possibilities based on infertility, age and logistics, it never seemed like a position we'd ever be in, so if it all works out I am of the opinion that this kid really wants to be here.

I'm mostly worried about money truth be told. Medically I can't see the difference in 12 months and DD was a really easy pg and birth. I am sure we could adjust to the finances, but if I am really honest, DH and I have never been in a position where we have had to worry much about cash and this would put us in a position which is far tighter than we would like. DH is also coming up 46 and while we do childcare, only a few days a week, a third would mean that childcare would be a necessity rather than a choice and I would work more. Fortunately I have a really good job so not working in some capacity is not an option both financially and mentally. I feel really scared, worried, excited and lucky all at the same time.

Really not sure what to do.

#5 ms flib

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:52 PM

Yes did it at 40 and was almost 41 when DD2 was born.

39 is not that old!

#6 JaneMummy

Posted 03 February 2014 - 01:58 PM

I'm 40 and pregnant with my 4th.  I know it is a shock for you but it is doable. Sit down and do some planning regarding juggling, finances, work etc and see how you feel then.

#7 madefromscratch

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:09 PM

Glad to hear you have your DH's support either way.  I hope I'm not making you feel guilty for being in two minds, but before you decide not to have this baby, just think about the joy that your two have brought.

I know that money is important, and I believe that having 'enough' saves so much angst (especially in a partnership or marriage) so I also wouldn't be keen to sacrifice.  But if you can make it work I don't think you'd have many moments of regret.

I wish you all the best with your decision xx

#8 Mrs Daryl Dixon

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:12 PM

Yes. I now have a DD13.5 a DS3yrs and a DS 11 months and I am 39. We had discussed the third, but I was not ready when I fell pregnant. I ended up with horrific antenatal depression, and was seriously unwell for much of the pregnancy.

Luckily, DS is a beautiful child- calm, happy, responsive. He sleeps well compared to his older siblings, although at nearly 11 months, still doesn't sleep through the night.

It was a difficult decision to have a third, but I thank my stars everyday that we have him. At thirty eight, now thirty nine, it was considerably harder on my body, but I am trying to keep fit and busy. I too go crazy being at home, so am back into some relief teaching and a casual retail job this year, both for my sanity and finances.

Good luck with your decision, OP. You will make the right one for you and your family.

#9 SeaPrincess

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:21 PM

I was 38 with a just 3yo and 11mo when I found out I was pregnant with #3, so when she was born I had 3 under 4.  The first few months were a bit of a blur, but she's starting 4yo kindy now. It goes by in a flash.

We had always thought we would go with private schools, and DS1 started school in a catholic primary school, but we moved away just as I was trying to decide whether to start DS2 in kindy or pull DS1 out and put them both in the local school.  We didn't consider the catholic school where we moved to.  We've now bought in an area with a very good public high school and definitely will not rule that out.

#10 TobiasFLK

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:24 PM

If it helps my mum had my 'surprise' sister when she was 44. I was 19 at the time.

They coped incredibly well and mum and my Mich younger sister are incredibly close.

#11 Lifesgood

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:27 PM

We had a surprise pregnancy when I was 40 after giving up on a second child. We were moving on with our lives and thought we couldn't get pregnant naturally in any case. But our 3 y/o DS is sitting behind me now in the car (waiting for DD to come out of school) having just been toilet trained and we are getting our lives back too.

It took about 10 weeks to get over the shock and feel truly happy about it, but from then on it has been bliss and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is my gift and I felt quite proud of my nearly 41 y/o body for delivering such an amazing little person :)

#12 Procrastinator5000

Posted 03 February 2014 - 02:35 PM

I have to say I thought, reading the topic heading you were going to say you're 49.. 39 is really not that old!

How is your health?

#13 podg

Posted 03 February 2014 - 03:13 PM

I was 40 when I fell pregnant with a very unplanned fourth baby.

I was breastfeeding, cosleeping, (and not with my husband), avoiding sex because I was scared I might get pregnant, and had not yet had a period after number 3. And number 1 had been conceived after a long wait with fertility drugs.

Number 4 is lovely. I won't say it's easy.

#14 Splendid3

Posted 03 February 2014 - 04:38 PM


I have to say I thought, reading the topic heading you were going to say you're 49.. 39 is really not that old!

I know but it feels like it as we have been on this merry go around for 10 years, it feels like it has taken half a lifetime to get here. I think step by step is the only way to go, see if we make it to 12 weeks and then worry about the rest then. DH has been brilliant, he says it will all work out the way it suppose to and to stop worrying. I can't. I always worry about what is going to happen at the end. I wish I was more the kind  who could just enjoy the ride along the way...

My health is excellent. No problems at all, but I just rang my gyno and he laughed and kept saying oh dear, oh dear about the results. I think I may get the conversation about being an old mother.

Edited by ohno, 03 February 2014 - 04:39 PM.

#15 Holidayromp

Posted 04 February 2014 - 08:43 AM


That is BS about being an 'old mother' if your gyno is going to bang on about that it is time to change.

I am 40 - conceived this one month after my 40th and I was breastfeeding.  Yes junior was planned.

I am having a dream pregnancy and feel great.  The only problem I really have had is constipation!!!!!

So at the age of 39 you are still quite young in the scheme of things as am I as I know people that are still having kids at 45+!!!

#16 Quirk

Posted 04 February 2014 - 09:03 AM

My third was born when I was 40 and I'm not going to lie, it is hard work and incredibly tiring with a toddler as well.

But saying that, the rewards far outweigh the initial tough slog. He is three now and such an incredible child. I look back at how tired I was and it already seems like a distant blur.

I read somewhere "You never regret the children you have but you very well could end up regretting the one you don't."

#17 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 04 February 2014 - 09:03 AM

You got pregnant naturally, your body doesn't think it is old!

DS was 9.5mths when I fell pregnant with DD, I was initially excited, then devastated.  I did not want another baby then.  She's now on her 3rd day of school and its lovely.

Seriously though there were difficulties with the two being so close in age and we have changed our expectations.  Her arrival has opened up so many doors for our whole family and through her my life has been expanded.  It's rather wonderful experiencing life through her.

#18 Nutty nut

Posted 04 February 2014 - 10:31 AM

I know it's not the only concern, but you really won't have aged that much in the 18 months between the two babies. It would seem older to you having had number one much earlier, than it would if you had had your first at 37. I'm turning 40 soon and trying for number two... I'd love to be a year younger and pregnant with my last! Nonetheless I'll take pregnant at 40 over not at all in a heartbeat.

#19 MsBusy123

Posted 04 February 2014 - 10:56 AM

OP, we are in a similar position. An 11 year old, a four year old (who took 5 years to conceive), and it's our dream to have a "surprise" pregnancy. So, I may be biased in my opinion!

39 is not that old these days. Many of my school friends are only just starting their families and they're around the 37-38 mark.

We've had the financial jitters each time we've been pregnant, and thought we wouldn't be able to cope, but it's amazing how things just seem to work out.

Also, the baby and toddler age really is such a short time in the context of a whole lifetime, so even though you might feel that having another baby now is going to hold you back in some ways, it will pass by so quickly, and you will have not just the extra child in your life, but their partner and children etc.

I have a good friend who had a unplanned pregnancy when she was 41. She was in a rough patch in her marriage, was in a dire financial position, and having a third child was the last thing on her wish list. She was very unhappy about it at the time and it caused her great stress. But now she is the first person to tell people that it's the best thing that ever happened to her, and she loves that child to bits.

#20 FuzzyChocolateToes

Posted 04 February 2014 - 10:56 AM

I'm the same age as you and have a 4mo surprise! I was very happy with 3 kids and it was a big shock.  You really aren't that old although of course you will be classed as "advanced maternal age" again because you are over 35!

I have no regrets now. It is very hectic at my place though!

#21 Procrastinator5000

Posted 04 February 2014 - 11:46 AM

View Postohno, on 03 February 2014 - 04:38 PM, said:

I know but it feels like it as we have been on this merry go around for 10 years, it feels like it has taken half a lifetime to get here. I think step by step is the only way to go, see if we make it to 12 weeks and then worry about the rest then. DH has been brilliant, he says it will all work out the way it suppose to and to stop worrying. I can't. I always worry about what is going to happen at the end. I wish I was more the kind  who could just enjoy the ride along the way...

My health is excellent. No problems at all, but I just rang my gyno and he laughed and kept saying oh dear, oh dear about the results. I think I may get the conversation about being an old mother.

Yeah, it is fair enough as it's you who has to go through it so you're the one to decide what old really means and what to worry about! Your DH sounds lovely and so supportive.

I hope the gyno is a bit more positive from this point on! I remember a GP who confirmed I was not pregnant with a pee stick (I was seeing him about why my period was so late) and said 'Well, congratulations! you're not pregnant!' Thanks for that, mate, you're all tact. I would have been quite happy to be pregnant in that instance.

#22 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 04 February 2014 - 12:02 PM

I had my last at 40, I didn't feel old at all then, I kind of do now at nearly 43 with a 2 yr old to run around after but it's not too bad.  In the area I live most Mums are in their late 30's, early forties, it's normal and I am sure none of them consider themselves old.

#23 Splendid3

Posted 04 February 2014 - 05:29 PM

I worry about the age gaps as well. My DD is nine and loves her baby sister to bits, and the baby looks for her constantly. I am worried with a third the second and the third will be close in age and the first will be left out a little as they can play together will be at school together and have similar friends. I realise she is on the cusp of being a teenager (some more days than others) and will lose interest anyway, but I worry she will be left out. She has adapted so well from being an only child and she is the apple of my eye!

In my area most of the mums are young, at 39 with a nine year old I am considered one of the oldest and most of my mothers group is 26-28 with their first. Maybe I should move to an area with an older age group to be more among my peers!

Oh so many worries. I think I will make myself crazy with the next thing I think of!

#24 Splendid3

Posted 14 February 2015 - 09:57 PM


I just wanted to follow this thread up. He's here, he's perfect and I don't regret it for a minute, I shouldn't have worried about a thing!

#25 Lime-Polka-Dot

Posted 14 February 2015 - 10:10 PM

My mum fell pregnant unexpectedly at 39.. I'm now 27.
However, my brother and sister were 20 and 18 she didn't still have other young children.

In 1987 being a 39 year old mother was much rarer than it is today.

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