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When the Grandparent REFUSES to babysit?!


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240 replies to this topic

#1 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 09:51 AM

Hi everyone, I'm after some advice on how to address this "issue" with my father. He point blank refuses to help me out and it's just plain rude.

So the problem is, that we have a funeral to go to on Friday for one of our friends. It's the day that my son is not at preschool, so I asked my dad to watch him for a day. He said no. He also said that he doesn't have any plans, but that baby sitting for a whole day would "stuff him up" if he decided to go anywhere. He is the sort of man who believes that looking after children is the woman's job, and that kids are fun to look at, but a pain in the a*se to have. He went as far as suggesting that I miss the funeral and just stay home.
This is not the first time he's done this to us. He has refused to baby sit for my birthday and other occasions.
I don't understand his problem, I am a good mother who works full time, I never "dump" my son on anyone as I feel so guilty. He is my responsibility, and I guess I've got that attitude from my dad. So why would he be so reluctant to help me just once?!

Background info:
I have a 2.5 year old son who is an absolute angel, he's not clingy, doesn't throw tantrums, has beautiful manners, and is perfectly happy to watch Thomas all day. He's in preschool 4 days a week so he's 100% used to being without me for 10 hours/day.
My father and I are very close. He's 60 years old, single, and retired. His only activities include watching tv, going shopping, and visiting his parents. He adores his grandson and nags me about not seeing him often enough, even though he calls in every weekend to say hello.
I am estranged from my mother so that's not an option.
My husband's parents are not the biological grandparents. So while they are more than happy to baby sit, I would feel uncomfortable to cause them any hassle.

How can I talk to him without yelling about this haha

#2 klr75

Posted 18 February 2014 - 09:56 AM

maybe he doesn't feel comfortable looking after a toddler - it's a pretty scary job when your not used to it!  I'd personally go for the grandparents who want to babysit, and not pressure the other just yet!!

#3 niggles

Posted 18 February 2014 - 09:57 AM

I think you'll have to find someone else to be your go to babysitter. If he doesn't want to do it for a funeral he probably never will.

#4 tothebeach

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:00 AM

He doesn't want to do it and you can't force him.  He is probably not comfortable having the responsibility of a toddler for the whole day.   All you can do is get them to spend time together and maybe in time he will get more comfortable...or not.

In the meantime, use the grandparents who are happy to babysit - biological or not.

#5 Hands Up

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:01 AM

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POPULAR

Just ask someone else/pay someone else.

I don't really get these threads where people feel that grandparents are obligated to help.

He is probably overwhelmed by the thought of looking after your son by himself (very different to visiting).

Also, he is not being rude. You are though by pressing the point after he has already said no.

#6 crankybee

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:02 AM

Er, nothing you can do. You can't do anything. He doesn't want to look after your child. He can spend his day any way he pleases, can do whatever he likes even if you don't approve. Get a paid babysitter.

#7 Soontobegran

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:03 AM

He doesn't want to be responsible for a toddler so ask the inlaws who will.


I am sorry this is the way it is but I struggle that you do not understand he will have his reasons, particularly when he is otherwise loving grandfather and father.
My DH will if necessary but he prefers me to be home when our grandchildren are staying.

#8 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:04 AM

 NSG, on 18 February 2014 - 10:01 AM, said:

Also, he is not being rude. You are though by pressing the point after he has already said no.

Thanks very much for your input. Though I disagree about me being the rude one. I never "expect" him to baby sit, I just think that it would be a nice thing to do to help your 22 year old daughter once in a blue moon. I have also never asked him after he's said no, I leave it at that. Which is why he is STILL not baby sitting, because I haven't pressured him into anything.

#9 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:09 AM

I don't see the point of continually talking to him about babysitting your child. He has said no and that is his decision despite what you think.

If the same thing happened to me I would be like hmm ok and not press it any further and hire a babysitter.

At the end of the day he isn't obligated to be your babysitter.

Edited by Mrs_Mystery_Guest, 18 February 2014 - 10:14 AM.


#10 Hayleymumof3

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:09 AM

 tazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 09:51 AM, said:

Hi everyone, I'm after some advice on how to address this "issue" with my father. He point blank refuses to help me out and it's just plain rude.

I am estranged from my mother so that's not an option.
My husband's parents are not the biological grandparents. So while they are more than happy to baby sit, I would feel uncomfortable to cause them any hassle.

How can I talk to him without yelling about this haha

It's not rude that your father is refusing to babysit, funnily enough it's his right to refuse.

You have a second option I am not sure why your DH's parents are not the biological parents but it doesn't matter they WOULD be happy to babysit and apparently it's no hassle to them, yet it's ok to hassle your father?

You can ask and he has the right to say no.  It may upset you but it's not rude.

#11 Dr Dolly

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:10 AM

You seem to be missing the point that he chooses not to and he doesn't have to.

#12 Hands Up

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:10 AM

You asked for help on how to "address the issue" without yelling.

Sorry but if you bring it up again, which you are clearly planning on doing (otherwise why on earth start this thread in the first place) then it is definitely rude. Let it go.

#13 The 8th Plum

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:10 AM

Look, I get that it would be nice. But you've done what you can, you asked, he refused, so if you want to go to the funeral then you need to get another baby sitter.

If you and your husband have a child together, would you be happy for them to babysit their biological grandchild but not their biological grandchild's sibling? It might feel a bit weird at first but if they are happy to babysit, why not?


Another option - if you have a friend with a child the same age (kindy buddy) then perhaps you could suggest a babysitting swap - they take your DS for the day and then next week, or whenever, you take their child too.


I'm sorry for your loss.

#14 BetteBoop

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:11 AM

You could be describing my father OP.

I wanted him to help with one afternoon a week after school and he refused. At the time, he wasn't working and he spent almost no time with DD. I wanted them to have a relationship.

I just insisted he do it. I guilted him into it. He did this for a year until he went back to work.

He's crazy about his granddaughter now and she adores him. Still, I wouldn't ask him to do a whole day because DD would be demanding.

If you don't mind your son watching tv all day, take him to you dad's place and show him that your son can sit quietly in front of the tv.

I do think a whole day would be daunting for someone who probably hasn't spent much one on one time with small kids.

#15 Lunafreya

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:11 AM

This is a bit rich if he complains he's not spending enough time with him. It is his choice, but it's not a nice way of puting it.

#16 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:14 AM

 hayleymumof3, on 18 February 2014 - 10:09 AM, said:

I am not sure why your DH's parents are not the biological parents but it doesn't matter they WOULD be happy to babysit and apparently it's no hassle to them, yet it's ok to hassle your father?

My husband is not the father of my child. That's the reason.
I had a baby before we were together.
The reason I do not want to hassle his parents is because my husband looks after my son every Friday, but almost always leaves my son with his parents while he goes out and does things. Which makes me feel AWFUL and guilty. They baby sat my son over night last Friday when our friend died, so that we could all be with our friends for support.
THAT'S why I feel like it's an unreasonable hassle for them.

#17 Guest_Cat_Blessed_*

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:15 AM

Why would you want someone who doesn't want to babysit, look after your child?

Grandparents don't have an obligation to babysit. He has said no, accept it and make alternative arrangements.

#18 Liv_DrSperm_sh

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:16 AM

 tazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 09:51 AM, said:

My husband's parents are not the biological grandparents. So while they are more than happy to baby sit, I would feel uncomfortable to cause them any hassle.

Why on earth would them not being 'biological grandparents' have anything to do with it!!??

Either use them, or get someone else. Your Dad doesn't want to and he doesn't have to.

#19 Hayleymumof3

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:17 AM

 tazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 10:14 AM, said:

My husband is not the father of my child. That's the reason.
I had a baby before we were together.
The reason I do not want to hassle his parents is because my husband looks after my son every Friday, but almost always leaves my son with his parents while he goes out and does things. Which makes me feel AWFUL and guilty. They baby sat my son over night last Friday when our friend died, so that we could all be with our friends for support.
THAT'S why I feel like it's an unreasonable hassle for them.

Umm if your DH is leaving your son with his parents then he isn't actually watching him every friday HIS parents are.

Your father has the right to refuse watching your child.

My in laws have watched my children maybe a handful of times in almost 13 years, they said no to watching my DD1 while my DS was having surgery you make do and make other arrangements if you can.

#20 Glikker

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:20 AM

i would rather leave my child with somone who feels they can care for them then somone who is uneasy with the idea.
its alot of responsibility caring for a 2.5 year old, you need to know where they are and what they are doing all the time, and being in a house that isn't set up to care for a young child can make it more dangerouse if he isn't always alert to what your child is doing.

i would feel more comfortable leaving my child with somone who has full confidence in caring for them.

does it matter if your husbands parents arn't the bio grandparents?? if they are happy to baby sit i would be more then happy to let them, maybe they will truly enjoy having your son around for awhile? if they have said they are happy to babysit i doubt it would feel like a hassle for them.

#21 Feral timtam

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:21 AM

You are being a precious princess.

He has stated he does not want to be solely responsible and you are pushing the issue and throwing online hissy fits when he stands his ground.

Let it go.

He may change his stance as your son gets older, 2.5 he's still a baby in nappies in the eyes of many people. A lot of men will refuse to change nappies because they are afraid of being accused of child molestation.

Also your husbands parents have stated that they are more than happy to look after their step grandson. Take them up on the offer. Had it occurred to you that many older people actively enjoy having little feet running around their house, even if the child is not a genetic relative!

#22 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:21 AM

Everyone is being so rude like I'm a spoiled brat...
I just don't understand why he big notes himself as "Grandfather of the Year" (you don't even know how much I'm not kidding....) and brags to everyone about how ANGELIC his grandson is, but then refuses to help me. Just once. Because what, he might want to go to the shopping centre or something..? He has 4 kids (yes I have 3 siblings) so he has had plenty of time around toddlers.
I'm not asking for a 1-day-a-week commitment. I'm asking for 1 day.
Yes I do plan on bringing this up with him. Because I think he is being unreasonable and selfish. And I was hoping that some of you might have similar experiences or some insight on how to deal with BASICALLY having no parents. He wouldn't even help me on my wedding night, or the night I got engaged. I'm not exactly expecting the moon here.

#23 Soontobegran

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:22 AM

 tazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 10:04 AM, said:

Thanks very much for your input. Though I disagree about me being the rude one. I never "expect" him to baby sit, I just think that it would be a nice thing to do to help your 22 year old daughter once in a blue moon. I have also never asked him after he's said no, I leave it at that. Which is why he is STILL not baby sitting, because I haven't pressured him into anything.


He is not being rude.....you are starting to sound like a petulant child.

If you are close as you say you are then I would have thought you'd trust his decision to not baby sit is not based on the fact that he doesn't love you or your child.

I am a nearly 60 year old woman and let me tell you that it is hard work.  If he was not the primary caregiver when you were young, he may just not feel he is competent.

#24 niggles

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:22 AM

Sorry to hear about your friend.

#25 FeralZombieMum

Posted 18 February 2014 - 10:23 AM

I find it hilarious that your DP is unable to look after you son once a week as he offloads him to his parents, yet you are upset and feel entitled to have your dad baby sit.




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