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When the Grandparent REFUSES to babysit?!


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#101 *~dee~*

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:33 PM

OP, sorry for the loss of your friend. Don't you have any friends that could watch him for a couple of hours? I would personally let the in laws watch him or take him with you. The in laws might get a bit offended if they offered to babysit and then you hire a stranger to do it.

I agree it's pretty sh*tty that your dad won't help, but it's his right to say no. He's obviously not willing to step out of his comfort zone or be flexible in times of need. It would peeve me off too, but I have lots of people I can rely on in emergency situations, and our family always help each other out in times of need.

Quote

Everyone is being so rude like I'm a spoiled brat...
I just don't understand why he big notes himself as "Grandfather of the Year" (you don't even know how much I'm not kidding....) and brags to everyone about how ANGELIC his grandson is, but then refuses to help me. Just once. Because what, he might want to go to the shopping centre or something..? He has 4 kids (yes I have 3 siblings) so he has had plenty of time around toddlers.
I'm not asking for a 1-day-a-week commitment. I'm asking for 1 day.
Yes I do plan on bringing this up with him. Because I think he is being unreasonable and selfish. And I was hoping that some of you might have similar experiences or some insight on how to deal with BASICALLY having no parents. He wouldn't even help me on my wedding night, or the night I got engaged. I'm not exactly expecting the moon here.

Even worse when it's your child's father doing this and then won't visit or even buy a christmas gift for them. You just have to move past it. He's allowed to be proud of being a grandparent without actually helping raise them.

#102 ~Nodnol~

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:35 PM

You have family willing to help. Your inlaws.

#103 Feral Becky

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:35 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 01:16 PM, said:

You're an angel. I'm 15 weeks pregnant too. Emotions are going nuts.

I am not always an angel :ninja:  but DD is your age. If she felt like this I would sit her down, make her a cup of tea, and say" well this is what is real- your whoever it is- cannot babysit. You can't change that. You are feeling all over the place because of a number of things.
Let it go about the non babysitter. Don't ask again. Look at the choices you have left"

Later, Op you will realise that is was probably irrational to hang on to bad thoughts about your dad when you are really hormonal and grieving your friend. The emotions are all getting mixed up.

#104 TotesFeral

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:36 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 01:29 PM, said:

Look just one more contribution from me, this is going out to all the people calling me a Princess.

I understand it is never the grandparent's job to baby-sit. I 100% believe that if you have a child, you need to accept the parental responsibilities yourself. I despise the fact that there's so many young mums like myself whose parent are HAPPY to play baby-sitter every weekend, even more than that, so that the immature and selfish "mother" can go out drinking with her friends. I am NOT that person. And honestly, at 22 years of age, it's miraculous that I don't act like that. It frustrates me to no end that there's parents who can work full time whilst their kids get minded by the grandparents every day. I would kill for that sort of support! But no way would I ask for it, how could you ask for that sort of commitment? I agree that the grandparents have had their own kids and now it's time for their break. I'm not the selfish kid you all seem to think I am. I don't ever expect help from my father, because I never get it. But I just think that this is an exceptional circumstance.
Contrary to what you believe, families ARE supposed to help each other out. That's what family is. I'm not saying that families are supposed to be baby-sitters. I'm saying they're supposed to help. That's all. Christ, I've driven myself to the hospital with an extopic pregnancy that almost ruptured because I didn't want to ask for help. I drove myself home from the hospital after a ceasarian because I didn't want to ask for help.
So get off your high horses, there is no way I have been unreasonable.
/rant

Dude, really?
This post reeks of judgement.
I can guarantee there are not many young mums that go out EVERY weekend. But if their parents are happy to do it, then so what?
My parents have the kids over quite regularly for sleepovers, sometimes they just have DD on her own for the fun of it.

And there are many grandparents who INSIST on looking after their grandchildren whilst the parents work. As you can plainly see you cannot force people into doing something they don't want.
How much family support another person has is none of your business.

It sucks that your Dad won't help, it really does. And I'm sorry for your loss.
But it's time to stop asking him. He really does not sound like a nice person at all anyway. Yelling at his own daughter for napping just after having a baby. WTAF?

#105 Hayleymumof3

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:41 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 01:29 PM, said:

Look just one more contribution from me, this is going out to all the people calling me a Princess.

I understand it is never the grandparent's job to baby-sit. I 100% believe that if you have a child, you need to accept the parental responsibilities yourself. I despise the fact that there's so many young mums like myself whose parent are HAPPY to play baby-sitter every weekend, even more than that, so that the immature and selfish "mother" can go out drinking with her friends. I am NOT that person. And honestly, at 22 years of age, it's miraculous that I don't act like that. It frustrates me to no end that there's parents who can work full time whilst their kids get minded by the grandparents every day. I would kill for that sort of support! But no way would I ask for it, how could you ask for that sort of commitment? I agree that the grandparents have had their own kids and now it's time for their break. I'm not the selfish kid you all seem to think I am. I don't ever expect help from my father, because I never get it. But I just think that this is an exceptional circumstance.
Contrary to what you believe, families ARE supposed to help each other out. That's what family is. I'm not saying that families are supposed to be baby-sitters. I'm saying they're supposed to help. That's all. Christ, I've driven myself to the hospital with an extopic pregnancy that almost ruptured because I didn't want to ask for help. I drove myself home from the hospital after a ceasarian because I didn't want to ask for help.
So get off your high horses, there is no way I have been unreasonable.
/rant

Remember that story I posted about my in laws refusing to watch DD1 while DS was having surgery(my mum would have but lived over 8 hours away at the time had no chance to get here before he went in) DS was 5 weeks old this surgery was to SAVE HIS LIFE.  In laws still didn't want to watch DD1 you know what you do, you pull your socks up and get on with it.  Oh and I was just the same age as you are now.  22, you can't make people baby sit your child.  

And yes families are suppose to help out and it seems like your in laws get that idea and love doing so, your father not so much.

#106 FloralArrangement

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:42 PM

View Post*~dee~*, on 18 February 2014 - 01:33 PM, said:

OP, sorry for the loss of your friend. Don't you have any friends that could watch him for a couple of hours? I would personally let the in laws watch him or take him with you. The in laws might get a bit offended if they offered to babysit and then you hire a stranger to do it.

I agree it's pretty sh*tty that your dad won't help, but it's his right to say no. He's obviously not willing to step out of his comfort zone or be flexible in times of need. It would peeve me off too, but I have lots of people I can rely on in emergency situations, and our family always help each other out in times of need.



Even worse when it's your child's father doing this and then won't visit or even buy a christmas gift for them. You just have to move past it. He's allowed to be proud of being a grandparent without actually helping raise them.


Or your father writing a book and in the author bio going on about his children who he left when they were 6 & 2 and never parented or financially supported again but raving on like he was an integral part of their lives. (This is my father I am talking about)

Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept someone for who they are and relate to them on that level. No expectations means no hurt.





#107 JinksNewton

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:50 PM

TBH, OP, from the stories you've shared about your dad in this thread, he doesn't sound very suitable to babysit even if he wanted to. It doesn't sound like he's going to change at this late stage either, so as frustrating as it is, I think you'll have to let it go and ask the in laws. Get them a thank you present if it makes you feel better about it.

FWIW one of my siblings has a partner with a baby that isn't biologically his, when they visited at Christmas time my parents were champing at the bit to babysit. Biology doesn't mean much when it comes to liking or not liking babies and children :)

I'm really sorry for your loss.

#108 AbbottProofFence

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:54 PM

Are grandparents oblgated to babysit your child? No.

But. That said.

I think it is a bit hypocritical when fully abled grandparents refuse to help out from time to time when they benefitted from help from grandparents.

My mother refused to help out in any way with my kids even though she was and still is fully physically and mentally able and retired. No matter because my MIL is a living saint.

But it always left a bad taste in my mouth because growing up because my mother was always fobbing us off onto her own parents. She didn't work, she just liked to go out with friends several times a week without kids. Which is fine, parents need time to themselves, but it always bugged me that she was happy to benefit from the 'village' but not 'pay it forward'.

If you're going to take, you should really give IF you are in the position to do so when your grandkids come along.

Edited by AbbottProofFence, 18 February 2014 - 01:59 PM.


#109 Squeekums The Elf

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:03 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 01:29 PM, said:

Look just one more contribution from me, this is going out to all the people calling me a Princess.

I understand it is never the grandparent's job to baby-sit. I 100% believe that if you have a child, you need to accept the parental responsibilities yourself. I despise the fact that there's so many young mums like myself whose parent are HAPPY to play baby-sitter every weekend, even more than that, so that the immature and selfish "mother" can go out drinking with her friends. I am NOT that person. And honestly, at 22 years of age, it's miraculous that I don't act like that. It frustrates me to no end that there's parents who can work full time whilst their kids get minded by the grandparents every day. I would kill for that sort of support! But no way would I ask for it, how could you ask for that sort of commitment? I agree that the grandparents have had their own kids and now it's time for their break. I'm not the selfish kid you all seem to think I am. I don't ever expect help from my father, because I never get it. But I just think that this is an exceptional circumstance.
Contrary to what you believe, families ARE supposed to help each other out. That's what family is. I'm not saying that families are supposed to be baby-sitters. I'm saying they're supposed to help. That's all. Christ, I've driven myself to the hospital with an extopic pregnancy that almost ruptured because I didn't want to ask for help. I drove myself home from the hospital after a ceasarian because I didn't want to ask for help.
So get off your high horses, there is no way I have been unreasonable.
/rant

My bold
Us high horse?
Pot kettle?
I know many young mums, some younger than you and not one of them is like that. Thats you today tonight stereotype

And just because you're his daughter does not mean he will automatically fill this 'family' role
Family is what you make it not who you're born in to
Trust me, I have no contact with my blood family. My family are my friends and partners family, has been since 15


Totesamazeballs *like*
EB can we talk about this like thing again? Please?

#110 laridae

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:05 PM

OP, from the sounds of things your dad doesn't sound particularly stable, mentally I mean.  Maybe he knows his limits and doesn't want to look after your DS because of that.
Its does sound like you wouldn't ask him if you weren't desperate, but maybe you should just accept that he is not a suitable person to look after your DS and move on to find another solution.

And as for families... my dad is not capable of looking after DD (due to mental illness), a lot of the time he is not capable of looking after himself and I wouldn't want to risk it.  My mum looks after my sister's kids all the time, but looking after my one as well is 'just too many', even though my sister has had more since then.  My ILs looked after DH's older brother and sisters kids plenty of times, but they are over it so don't want to look after DD.  So yeah, it does suck when you don't have support, but there isn't a lot you can do, other than find alternatives.

Edited by laridae, 18 February 2014 - 02:11 PM.


#111 Gudrun

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:07 PM

If he doesn't wanna, he doesn't wanna. His call.

I would leave your father be and ask the parents-in-law. They wanna and there's two of them so it would be easier for them.

I don't see what biology has got to do with it.  Grandparents regardless of biology have no obligations to babysit.  And they may not have the energy.  Done their time as has so often been said.

And you may not be able to go to the funeral but that is not your father's problem.

ETA I don't get what your age has got to do with it.  22 is adult.  I also don't get why your DH can't do it if he is meant to do mind your DS on Fridays anyway.   Unless he is going to the funeral too in which case the easiest would be to take DS with you and share the minding.

Edited by Gudrun, 18 February 2014 - 03:12 PM.


#112 mondayschild

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:15 PM

He may have something planned he does not want to reveal to or discuss with you. I am a grandmother and happily babysit but I won't have it forced upon me and if I have important plans then mum can't bring baby here and that is too bad she has to make other plans. That is part of being a parent. We are happy to be involved in their lives but not to the detriment of our own.

#113 halcyondays

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:16 PM

My Mum's like that- goes on and on to her friends about how she looks after her grand children all the time, and how I wouldn't manage without her help. Even takes FACS leave at work saying that she needs to take care of her grandchildren because I'm ill or something.
Generally just using my kids to make herself feel good and act like a martyr to her friends and get a sick day from work!

My 3 year old doesn't recognise her.......his exact words at Christmas was "Who that man?" pointing to grandma at the table.
IT sucks, but you just come to grips with the fact you cannot change other people, and complaining about it doesn't really help. And hope you can be gracious enough to help them if they need help as they age!
With your Dad, you could ask him for money to hire a babysitter- he might chip in, you never know!

Edited by halcyondays, 18 February 2014 - 02:20 PM.


#114 Empress NG

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:21 PM

I think you have to respect his wishes on this and pay for a babysitter.  My brother is just about to have a late life baby and is expecting my mum (in her early 70s) to be available for one day a week childcare and doesn't seem to realise that this is unreasonable.  Toddlers are hard work no matter how well behaved they are.

#115 AbbottProofFence

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:22 PM

View Posthalcyondays, on 18 February 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

My Mum's like that- goes on and on to her friends about how she looks after her grand children all the time, and how I wouldn't manage without her help. Even takes FACS leave at work saying that she needs to take care of her grandchildren because I'm ill or something.
Generally just using my kids to make herself feel good and act like a martyr to her friends and get a sick day from work!

My 3 year old doesn't recognise her.......his exact words at Christmas was "Who that man?" pointing to grandma at the table.

Sounds familiar. My mother views my kids as accessories. I have a similar story where she wanted to trot out DS when he was about 2 at her birthday party and he started wailing because she was basically a stranger to him. Then she had the nerve to get mad at me for having a poorly behaved child.

#116 AbbottProofFence

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:24 PM

View PostEmpress NG, on 18 February 2014 - 02:21 PM, said:

I think you have to respect his wishes on this and pay for a babysitter.  My brother is just about to have a late life baby and is expecting my mum (in her early 70s) to be available for one day a week childcare and doesn't seem to realise that this is unreasonable.  Toddlers are hard work no matter how well behaved they are.

I think we are going to see a lot more of this than in previous generations. I was 39 when DD was born. Say she doesn't have a child until 35, that puts me at 76 or so when the child is a toddler, not always possible.

(edited for typo)

Edited by AbbottProofFence, 18 February 2014 - 03:30 PM.


#117 F.E.B.E

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:30 PM

I can see how frustrating the situation is - you have a very valid reason for babysitting and he has no scheduled plans.

The reality though is that he doesn't want to do it and you can't make him to it, so apart from venting here and having a (private) shout about it I think it would be easier for your own sanity if you moved on.

Sometimes things just are what they are. It is time for plan B.

#118 Empress NG

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:32 PM

Agree APF.  I remember my nana providing lots of hands on care when we were kids (one of my cousins even went to live with her when his mum was in hospital with cancer).  She was probably only about 50 at the time though which is a lot different to 70.  Even though my kids are older and fairly well behaved, I wouldn't leave both with mum at once as they would fight and she wouldn't be able to cope with it.  We would never have got away with that kind of nonsense with Nana!

#119 Tikvah

Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:58 PM

View PostDEVOCEAN, on 18 February 2014 - 10:47 AM, said:

So he is a sh*t dad just because he won't babysit.
Judgemental or what.

Yes. He is.
I would be beside myself if a close friend of mine died unexpectedly - let alone if I thought I wasn't going to be able to get to the funeral because my dad wouldn't help me. I also understand the (unfounded - you should just do it, OP) fear she has about imposing. I would feel deeply betrayed, because his previous refusal to help isn't the same as refusing when it's an emergency and your child is shocked and grieving. That's being a really sh*t dad, in my opinion.

Honestly, why such venom? Haven't any of you lost friends unexpectedly? I have, and i was devastated. Totally knocked for six.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Let your in-laws babysit.

#120 Tikvah

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:02 PM

View PostJenflea, on 18 February 2014 - 11:02 AM, said:

Ok, here's a thought. TAKE HIM WITH YOU!

It's not ideal but you won't have to get anyone to look after him.
if he gets cranky during the service take him outside or get your husband do take him outside.
I took my 2yr old to a funeral 18 months ago and my husband took her out for a walk when she started getting bored.

I would have been completely incapable of looking after y baby at my friend's funeral. You don't seem to realise that it's her friend's funeral! Why is it so difficult for people to imagine being upset?

EB is just plain bizarre sometimes.

#121 DZP

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:18 PM

Quote

And I was hoping that some of you might have similar experiences or some insight on how to deal with BASICALLY having no parents

I'm sorry but you are being very ungrateful. You need to start being thankful for what you DO have and less angry at what you don't. You have a father that loves your son, is proud of him, wants to be part of his life and sees him. Trust me as I know from personal experience, there are plenty of us out there that have fathers who don't care to even acknowledge their children / grandchildren exist or even worse, are a threat to their safety and can't even be trusted to be near them.

I understand that it is frustrating for you, you feel disappointed and it is perfectly ok to vent your frustrations, but PPs are right, bringing it up again, being angry or holding a grudge at your dad is going to make you out to be the rude one. If he doesn't want to look after your son, then you should respect that. It is not his responsibility to look after your child, it is your own, your age or financial situation is no excuse. If others do babysit for you, they are doing you a favour, not something they are obligated to do.

I'm also not sure why you think your mother (estranged or not) or the paternal grandparents (biological or not) are any less obligated to watch your son than your father though. Why are you so angry at him, yet not at them? Really if you believe it's a grandparents responsibility to watch their grandchildren, then it should be equal between them all should it not?

#122 April11

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:20 PM

It is disappointing when grandparents are not interested or can't be counted on to babysit now and then.  I am in that exact same position with my own parents.  They used to rave on to me how they would be there to babysit when I gave them grandchildren but the reality was they just couldn't cope. Rather than let it get to me I accepted the fact and use daycare, close friends or my inlaws who love to look after my daughter.  Its not worth the stress or the fights...just accept that you have one set of reliable grandparents and move on from it.  Its so much easier to let things go

#123 Squeekums The Elf

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:31 PM

View PostCitizen X, on 18 February 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

EB loves to go on about how Grandparents aren't obliged blah blah blah.  But family should - yes should - help each other out.  The Grandparent one day will need help too; with driving to appointments when they get too old, perhaps some home maintenance or gardening, or even more extreme stuff like full time care.  There was an elderly woman across the road whose daughter visited usually daily to take her mum to appointments or shopping or just the company I guess.  Would anyone here tell her she's not obliged to do that?  Would we have posters rabbiting on about that  elderly woman being "entitled" when her daughter helped her out?  No of course not.  But whenever these threads come up, we get the usual chorus of suck it up, GPs aren't there for your convenience, blah blah.  Fair enough if the OP was partying from Friday to Sunday, but we're talking about one day here... for a funeral.  No it's the GP who should suck it.  Family does mean obligation, and as long as no-one is taking advantage then suck it up and deal.  Just like I'm going to have to do - and have in the past -with my parents.

No your not obliged because you share blood. If my father had rang and asked me to help him I would have said go jump ass hole
No the daugher in the situation described is not obliged, but is nice she does, like it would be nice of op dad but HE DONT HAVE TO

Still dont get why she would want her kid there if he willing to tear strips of her. Dont respect me, well bye, call me when you do

#124 AbbottProofFence

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:33 PM

View PostEmpress NG, on 18 February 2014 - 02:32 PM, said:

Agree APF.  I remember my nana providing lots of hands on care when we were kids (one of my cousins even went to live with her when his mum was in hospital with cancer).  She was probably only about 50 at the time though which is a lot different to 70.  Even though my kids are older and fairly well behaved, I wouldn't leave both with mum at once as they would fight and she wouldn't be able to cope with it.  We would never have got away with that kind of nonsense with Nana!

The reason it bugged me was that my mother was in her late 60s when refusing to 'deal with my kids at all, the same age (roughly) her parents were when she was always dumping us on them.

To be fair, my mother is a nasty witch, I wouldn't want to leave my kids with her that much, but I do find it selfish when grandparents are all 'your kids, your problem' when THEY benefited from help. The whole 'it takes a village to raise a kid' when they're your kids, but 'you breed them, you deal with them' when it's someone else's.

It's hypocritical and that's what annoyed me.

#125 JustJan

Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:39 PM

OP, this thread was never going to end well.  You are obviously new to EB, but similar threads have gone the same way.  

I am a grandparent who constantly has her grandchildren (we don't call it babysitting) but agree that it is up to each individual GP to decide for themselves.  If your dad says no then you need to accept it and make other arrangements.

More than anything though, I'm concerned for your emotional state.  Do you have friends who can offer you some emotional support?  You are clearly upset, and (I don't want to upset you here) fixating on your dad to release pent up emotions.  Please talk to someone or seek counselling.  Be kind to yourself OP - you are dealing with a lot here.

I also think it's time for PP's to lay off.

I am deeply sorry for your loss.




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