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When the Grandparent REFUSES to babysit?!


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#226 Guest_Wyn99_*

Posted 20 February 2014 - 08:53 PM

OP I am so sorry for your loss. A high school friend died of leukemia when I was 20 and it was awful. I can't imagine dealing with that and pregnancy hormones as well :(

In your situation, I would take my child to the funeral. I know your friend has stepped up, but I can't see the issue with him being there with you.

To a PP who talked about 'sacrifice' - plenty of families make sacrifices, but babysitting your grandchildren doesnt' have to be one of them. Yes it'd be lovely if we could call on grandparents to help out, but many won't and it's their right to say no. My mother has helped me in numerous ways and is the most generous, loving, mother, but there is no way I would even consider asking her to mind my young children for 10 hours. She has made it perfectly clear to me her thoughts on this, I accept it, and make other arrangements.

#227 robhat

Posted 20 February 2014 - 08:59 PM

View PostCitizen X, on 20 February 2014 - 12:33 PM, said:

I'm not saying it's easy but it's not that hard that you can't do it either.

Now just a personal example, but I know two 50+ year old men who've had their grandchild for the past week.  One had a child 20+ years ago, and the other has never had their own.   They are coping, and doing a great job.  It was a very sudden situation too so they didn't have any training or notes or whatever.

I just don't believe men are not capable of this, I think it's a cop out (barring physical limitations).  It's not that hard to look after a 2 year old for a day, you will know the basics unless you are severely lacking life skills.  Child will require shelter, food, sleep.  The child won't die if it lives off chocolate for the day and watches ABC2, or missed his nap.  They'll cry if you're doing something wrong, and smile when you get it right.  Men are intelligent enough to work it out I'm sure.

Well, that might depend on the child. Some kids ARE that hard to care for. Men are capable of it if they choose to be, it's just that for some it's an unfamiliar task and very daunting so you can't be surprised if they say no when asked. If you were asked to do something you thought was quite difficult and had no experience in, it would be reasonable for you to say no. When you've got someone's life in your hands, that might be sensible. I would probably refuse to care for a child with an extreme medical condition unless I was given some sort of training, for example. If you feel TOTALLY clueless about kids and especially if you're not a confident person you are very likely to refuse to babysit one, regardless of age or gender. A grandmother may have out of date experience, but it's still more to go on than no experience!

Really, it should be fine for people to refuse to babysit anyone's child if they don't feel comfortable doing it. Why would you want someone to care for your child if they are not confident doing so? Merely for your own convenience? It's far better to find someone who wants to care for your child. I can understand the OP being disappointed, that too is fine. We'd all like to have helpful families, but it's also perfectly fine for the Grandfather to not babysit.

#228 cinnabubble

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:06 PM

View PostGoblin Face, on 20 February 2014 - 08:37 PM, said:

I think OP is perfectly within her rights to be upset. I also think her father is being selfish.

In our family, you are a parent for life. It doesn't stop when your child turns 18. You make huge sacrifices for the sake of family and for the welfare of the ones who go on after you are gone. The ultimate sacrifice, not absolute selfishness.

This is why in my family my dad and even my 80 year old grandmother looks after my 2 girls when I work, and have done since they were both still in nappies. Family is everything. How do you repay them for the sacrifice? You pay it forward.

That's why without a doubt, when my girls have children I'll be there every step of the way. Any thing less would put all the support I've received from my parents and grandparents to shame.

Shame on OPs father. He should be putting himself out there for the sake of his daughter who is going through a terrible time. So what if he feels worried about taking care of a 2yo? Get some help, have a friend over, do some research or talk to his daughter about how best to get through the day. It is very foreign to me that he can't put himself aside for one day for the sake of his own child.

I'm glad I'm not in your family. I would be ashamed to admit that I put my 80 year old grandmother to work to avoid paying childcare fees. What a horrible suffocating sense of obligation must cloud every interaction. I would truly rather be without an ounce of support than have such extravagant expectations from people merely because we have some genetic bond.

#229 Beqa

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:07 PM

View Postrobhat, on 20 February 2014 - 08:59 PM, said:

Really, it should be fine for people to refuse to babysit anyone's child if they don't feel comfortable doing it. Why would you want someone to care for your child if they are not confident doing so? Merely for your own convenience?
With the OPs father, he hasn't said he isn't confident, just that he doesn't want to in case he decides he wants to go somewhere that day.

#230 -Emissary-

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:08 PM

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can understand why your dad doesn't want to look after your son. Having four kids doesn't mean a person was involved in taking care of them. Looking after a child not your own is different.

I would hesitate to look after a 2 year old for 10 hours too and I'm a woman. It's not a cop out - the truth is looking after a toddler can be tiring and even more so when it is not your own. I would do it in the case of an emergency for my friends and family but I can completely understand if someone else doesn't want to do it.

I'm sorry you're hurt that your dad refuses to help but by the sound of him, I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care either.

I do admit that you do sound very young OP despite being 22 and a mother. Using your age and saying "well at least I haven't ****ed up" doesn't earn you any points. You are doing what you should be doing as someone who decided to have a child at a young age. It's a good thing you are a responsible mother but it's far from being a miracle that it entitles you to whatever you feel like you should get and act like you deserve a medal.

And you do get some help. Might not be a lot but it seems that your partner and his parents are willing to help you.

Edited by -Emissary-, 20 February 2014 - 09:09 PM.


#231 Goblin Face

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:16 PM

View Postcinnabubble, on 20 February 2014 - 09:06 PM, said:



I'm glad I'm not in your family. I would be ashamed to admit that I put my 80 year old grandmother to work to avoid paying childcare fees. What a horrible suffocating sense of obligation must cloud every interaction. I would truly rather be without an ounce of support than have such extravagant expectations from people merely because we have some genetic bond.

I'm NOT avoiding paying childcare fees. If I didn't have family willing to mind them I would not work full stop!

I refuse to put my children into daycare anyway, and I take offence that up you assume I don't want to pay.

The suffocating sense of obligation you talk of is a loving family unit who get full joy out of caring and watching the little ones grow. Just because your family situation is not like mine doesn't mean you can rubbish all over my arrangements with this truly horrifying and insulting post.

No wonder EB has such a bad name when there are posts like this.

#232 Chchgirl

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:23 PM

View PostOwliegirl, on 20 February 2014 - 06:57 PM, said:

I'm pretty disappointed (but not surprised) at the lack of empathy shown towards someone who is grieving a real and recent death. The way people here are willing to tear her apart is just astounding. You may not agree but there is no need to get aggressive and nasty about it.


OP I completely understand where you are coming from. Although I have been bought up in an abusive household, I too think parents should help kids when things are going wrong or they need help in their lives. To me he is being a callous jerk. This false argument of him being unable to look after his own grandchild is just that, false. IMO you would do whatever you had to do to help a child when a real need comes up.

It's not like you expect him do babysitting randomly. You asked him to babysit so you could attend your friend's funeral/. When is a better time for him to step up as a parent or a grandparent than then. IMO if someone refuses to do this in this situation they are pretty repulsive to me.

I guess at least you know where you stand OP.

I'm sorry your dad is being like this OP.
I'm also terribly sorry for your loss. Take carexx

Best post so far..:)

#233 got my tinsel on

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:26 PM

View PostCitizen X, on 20 February 2014 - 08:51 PM, said:

If you're looking after them for just the day, and you're totally inept and unresourceful (I'm being polite here) then yes, feeding is the only requirement.  

If the OP required ten hours of babysitting while stipulating the child receive kale porridge and eight hours of maths tutoring, I'd agree she was "entitled" but I don't see anything like that. Feed, shelter and keep the child safe.  It's not that hard.

Oh so it's not just feed them, it's feed, shelter and keep them safe too!

I think it's the keeping them safe that a lot of people struggle with.  Because when you are not in the recent habit of constantly being on the lookout for the dangers that 2 year olds have an innate ability to find, accidents can and do happen.

And how do you keep them safe and away from danger?  By supervising them, of course.  But 2 year olds, don't respond well to sitting still so they can be quietly supervised, they like to change activities reasonably frequently and can lose interest in an activity fairly quickly. And they have a really annoying habit of wanting whoever is supervising them to interact with them a damned sight more than passing them food occasionally and even wanting to have the adult come up with new and amusing things to keep them occupied.  These of course, need to be safe activities, too.

Or before you know it, you'll have one very distressed 2 year old on your hands.

#234 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:26 PM

bubhub called.  They need you back goblin face.

#235 got my tinsel on

Posted 20 February 2014 - 09:46 PM

View PostGoblin Face, on 20 February 2014 - 08:37 PM, said:

I think OP is perfectly within her rights to be upset. I also think her father is being selfish.

In our family, you are a parent for life. It doesn't stop when your child turns 18. You make huge sacrifices for the sake of family and for the welfare of the ones who go on after you are gone. The ultimate sacrifice, not absolute selfishness.


So family members are expected to make the ultimate sacrifice to help out a family member?  That is SOME expectation and SOME sacrifice.

You do know what the ultimate sacrifice is, don't you?  Because I would be drawing the line at making the ultimate sacrifice to assist in family childcare decisions.

You don't like pp's rubbishing your family arrangements yet you were pretty damned harsh concerning the OP's dad's decision that he not want to babysit.

#236 got my tinsel on

Posted 20 February 2014 - 10:22 PM

I don't understand why the OP was so hellbent on having her dad do the babysitting.

Why, when she had an offer from her PIL that is perfectly acceptable to the OP, every other week?

Why, when taking her little one with them to the funeral was a normal and reasonable thing to do?

Why the OP's dad refused really doesn't matter.  Because whatever reason he gave, would not have been good enough.  He said he wanted to keep his day free, the OP wanted him to change his mind.  If he had said that he didn't feel confident looking after the little one, then no doubt the OP would have said don't be silly, of course you can do it properly.

The OP seemed to want to browbeat him into submission on this issue.

#237 got my tinsel on

Posted 20 February 2014 - 10:29 PM

View PostCitizen X, on 20 February 2014 - 09:56 PM, said:

I'm sure the OP would know if her dad had a condition that prevented him caring for the child.

Did your dad partake in your upbringing?  You do realize many ADHD people manage to raise children?

Why don't we all just say it?  A PENIS prevents this man from babysitting his Grandchild.  Poor men, it's just too hard to look after a small child.  What happens if they crap their pants?  What if they need lunch?  What if they need a nap?  My goodness, what ever will I do, how will I cope??

FGS, it has nothing to do with him being a man - he doesn't want to do it.  As far as I'm concerned, whoever she asked if they didn't want to do it then that is the end of the story.

The OP doesn't want to look after her DS that day either and she doesn't have a penis. There goes that argument.

Edited by fancie, 20 February 2014 - 10:30 PM.


#238 Guest_JaneDoe2010_*

Posted 21 February 2014 - 06:26 AM

View Postbush kid, on 20 February 2014 - 09:46 PM, said:

Just because the OP's dad hasn't given a good enough reason doesn't mean there isn't one.

Exactly!

View Postfancie, on 20 February 2014 - 10:22 PM, said:

I don't understand why the OP was so hellbent on having her dad do the babysitting.

Why, when she had an offer from her PIL that is perfectly acceptable to the OP, every other week?

Why, when taking her little one with them to the funeral was a normal and reasonable thing to do?

Why the OP's dad refused really doesn't matter.  Because whatever reason he gave, would not have been good enough.  He said he wanted to keep his day free, the OP wanted him to change his mind.  If he had said that he didn't feel confident looking after the little one, then no doubt the OP would have said don't be silly, of course you can do it properly.

The OP seemed to want to browbeat him into submission on this issue.

Very well said, that's exactly how it looks.

Oh my comments would apply to grandmothers who didn't want to babysit either BTW.

#239 Ianthe

Posted 21 February 2014 - 06:46 AM

I have five kids. My youngest is 5 and I am in my early forties. So looking after young children is not foreign to me.

A few months ago I looked after a friend's 2yo for the day. He is an easygoing little guy, he had a nap but at the end of the day I was exhausted. Don't underestimate how tiring toddlers can be.

#240 andyk

Posted 21 February 2014 - 09:09 AM

View Postfancie, on 20 February 2014 - 10:22 PM, said:

I don't understand why the OP was so hellbent on having her dad do the babysitting.

Why, when she had an offer from her PIL that is perfectly acceptable to the OP, every other week?

Why, when taking her little one with them to the funeral was a normal and reasonable thing to do?

Why the OP's dad refused really doesn't matter.  Because whatever reason he gave, would not have been good enough.  He said he wanted to keep his day free, the OP wanted him to change his mind.  If he had said that he didn't feel confident looking after the little one, then no doubt the OP would have said don't be silly, of course you can do it properly.

The OP seemed to want to browbeat him into submission on this issue.

11 pages and fancie sums it up perfectly.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend, OP.

#241 Therese

Posted 21 February 2014 - 09:21 AM

I really think this thread has gone on for long enough. The OP has been given lots and lots of advice and I am going to close the thread now.




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