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When the Grandparent REFUSES to babysit?!


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#76 FloralArrangement

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:38 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 10:21 AM, said:

Everyone is being so rude like I'm a spoiled brat...
I just don't understand why he big notes himself as "Grandfather of the Year" (you don't even know how much I'm not kidding....) and brags to everyone about how ANGELIC his grandson is, but then refuses to help me. Just once. Because what, he might want to go to the shopping centre or something..? He has 4 kids (yes I have 3 siblings) so he has had plenty of time around toddlers.
I'm not asking for a 1-day-a-week commitment. I'm asking for 1 day.
Yes I do plan on bringing this up with him. Because I think he is being unreasonable and selfish. And I was hoping that some of you might have similar experiences or some insight on how to deal with BASICALLY having no parents. He wouldn't even help me on my wedding night, or the night I got engaged. I'm not exactly expecting the moon here.

We have no grand parent help either. We make do. Your in laws sound wonderful. Fwiw my children have the best relationship and go and holiday with my step dad who has not been married to my mum for 25 years.

What do you think having a fight with him will actually achieve? I will say it will achieve nothing except more upset.


Edited by FloralArrangement, 18 February 2014 - 12:39 PM.


#77 ImperatorFuriosa

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:38 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 12:32 PM, said:

I can't rely on my own father to help me out ONE time with his grandson, so why should I have thought that random strangers would be any nicer to me. My mistake. I can't believe you're all making me feel so horrible just for wanting to get my dad to help. Shame on you :(

It's sad your friend has passed etc. But guilt tripping us isn't going to work either....

#78 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:39 PM

View Postrynandstompy, on 18 February 2014 - 12:33 PM, said:

Is there something helpful you guys could do for them to acknowledge their efforts and say a special thank you once you return?
E.g.  Bake a cake, write a card out with DS drawing in it, frame a special photo of him and them?

This is a really nice idea, thank you for your suggestion. I didn't know how to repay them for being so helpful in the past, and I don't want to come across as "using" them, which is why I am so reluctant to keep asking them for help! But a nice gift would surely make them feel appreciated.

#79 Feral Becky

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:42 PM

Is it possible to just send some lovely flowers and a card and not go yourselves to the funeral? Surely the family would understand.

#80 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:48 PM

View PostFloralArrangement, on 18 February 2014 - 12:38 PM, said:

What do you think having a fight with him will actually achieve? I will say it will achieve nothing except more upset.

believe me, I agree. Unfortunately he's the sort of person who reacts inappropriately at the thought of someone questioning him. For example, this is how it would play out:
Me: "Dad, I would really appreciate your help with this one, I promise he would be fine for you. You always say you want to spend more time with him, don't you?"
Dad: "SO THE ONLY TIME I'M ALLOWED TO SEE MY GRANDSON IS WHEN YOU WANT TO USE ME AS A BABY SITTER?! YOU ARE DERRANGED, YOU HAVE ISSUES, YOU REALLY NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AND LOOK AT THE WAY YOU'RE PARENTING! YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER, PIG HEADED AND OPINIONATED AND UNAPPRECIATIVE!"
*hangs up on me*

No joke, this literally happens when I talk to him about anything he doesn't agree with.


Alright I'm going to end this by saying thank you (some of you) for your helpful advice. It looks like dear old dad is going to be no help at all and I'm going to have to ask the in laws yet again and then buy them something nice to let them know how much I appreciate their help.
The rest of you can stop insulting me now. Thanks!

#81 mairoa

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:49 PM

I hear you, I would find that annoying too.

I don't think what you describe was too much to ask, when you are his close relative and you have an important funeral to attend. To me he is being unhelpful.

Perhaps avoid going out of your way for him in future if he has decided that your relationship does not extend to exchanging helpful favours.

I know grandparents don't have to mind grandchildren if they don't feel like it, for whatever reason.

But at the same time your old man might need to accept that if he fails to support you at a time of need, that that decision could have consequences for the closeness of your and his relationship.

#82 boatiebabe

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:52 PM

tazz91 there were some helpful suggestions in some posts.

I know this is a difficult time for you.

I don't think most people here are trying to insult you. Perhaps when this is all over and you have had a chance to breathe, you might look back over some of the posts and learn from the experiences of a lot of the ladies on here.

Good luck.

#83 Feral Becky

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:52 PM

OP sweetie, your emotions are all over the place. Your young friend has died, you are young and with a toddler and working full time.

Don't let your dads words get you down.
He won't do it so now it is time to move onto the solution
-Your in-laws
-Take the toddler
-Get someone else to babysit, either unpaid or paid.
-Don't go and send a lovely sympathy gift

Make yourself a cuppa and have a good cry over your friend.


:)

EFS

Edited by Becky Thatcher, 18 February 2014 - 12:58 PM.


#84 cristina86

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:53 PM

I'm a single parent with two kids aged 7 & 4 and no family living close by. Have you looked into family day care as occasional care? It's probably too late this time but my kids' fdc carer will take kids when needed as long as she has room. I couldn't afford a babysitter at $20 an hour either.

#85 seayork2002

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:53 PM

He is does this to you why on earth would you have your child around him?


View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 12:48 PM, said:

believe me, I agree. Unfortunately he's the sort of person who reacts inappropriately at the thought of someone questioning him. For example, this is how it would play out:
Me: "Dad, I would really appreciate your help with this one, I promise he would be fine for you. You always say you want to spend more time with him, don't you?"
Dad: "SO THE ONLY TIME I'M ALLOWED TO SEE MY GRANDSON IS WHEN YOU WANT TO USE ME AS A BABY SITTER?! YOU ARE DERRANGED, YOU HAVE ISSUES, YOU REALLY NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AND LOOK AT THE WAY YOU'RE PARENTING! YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER, PIG HEADED AND OPINIONATED AND UNAPPRECIATIVE!"
*hangs up on me*

No joke, this literally happens when I talk to him about anything he doesn't agree with.


Alright I'm going to end this by saying thank you (some of you) for your helpful advice. It looks like dear old dad is going to be no help at all and I'm going to have to ask the in laws yet again and then buy them something nice to let them know how much I appreciate their help.
The rest of you can stop insulting me now. Thanks!


#86 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:56 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 18 February 2014 - 12:53 PM, said:

He is does this to you why on earth would you have your child around him?

Because he's my dad and I love him, and he loves me. He's just a massive narcissist  and thinks he can do no wrong, everyone else around him is always in the wrong. so he yells and hangs up to get the last word.

When my son was a few weeks old (i'd had a C-section) I used to take naps during the day. My dad used to come over during the week and bang on the door and get angry when he found out I was taking a nap. He said that it was disgusting, immature and ridiculous to be sleeping at 10am, even though I had a newborn baby. He said I needed help, and that I had post-natal depression. He kept yelling at me and didn't speak to me for weeks.
That's just him...

Edited by tazz91, 18 February 2014 - 01:12 PM.


#87 mumma21

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:56 PM

TBH OP I don't think your father is being rude, he doesn't want to babysit his toddler grandchild & he doesn't have to nor should he have to provide you with a reason for not wanting to etc. regardless on whether you think he is doing nothing anyway.

I don't understand why your not comfortable about your DH's parents babysitting, what does not biological got to do with anything??? If they want to & they are nice caring people then what is the issue?

I don't understand TBH why people assume that grandparents HAVE to babysit. Just because they have grandchildren doesn't mean that they have to mind them.

I know that my father would not be comfortable minding my DD on his own and unless my mum was free to be there too then he wouldn't do it.

Edited by mumma21, 18 February 2014 - 12:57 PM.


#88 MrsSmith247

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:59 PM

What does your age have to do with it?

#89 JomoMum

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:04 PM

View Posttazz91, on 18 February 2014 - 12:32 PM, said:

I can't rely on my own father to help me out ONE time with his grandson, so why should I have thought that random strangers would be any nicer to me. My mistake. I can't believe you're all making me feel so horrible just for wanting to get my dad to help. Shame on you :(

Shame on US??? Why, because 99% of us think you're being silly?

Honestly grow up. We don't need to be "nice", we're not 14 years old. No one has been "mean" to you. They've been shocked at your stance on the situation and have been honest, I imagine.

You asked for advice and it's not what you wanted to hear.

Now I'm annoyed. And I never let things people say on EB pi$$ me off :(

#90 just roses

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:04 PM

OP, you really don't want someone looking after your child who isn't fully engaged and wanting to be there.

I think, as parents, it's easy to underestimate what's involved in looking after a small child. It is hard work if you're not used to it!

It's also possible that your dad is just giving you excuses, when really he just doesn't feel confident. That doesn't mean he's not a genuinely good grandfather who loves your son.

My in-laws rave to all and sundry about their delightful and wonderful grandchildren. I think it's lovely that they love them so much. However, they've never offered to babysit and - to be fair - we would never ask them to because they're not used to taking care of small children and we just don't think they'd be 'on the ball' enough to be super safe. That's doesn't make them bad grandparents. It just means we're all pragmatic and sensible enough to know what to expect of each other.

It's time for you to let this go. Let go of your frustration and any expectations you have of your dad babysitting. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to do it. He's not obliged to do it. And - for your son's sake - you should only leave him with people who WANT to take care of him.

I think your real problem is your husband off-loading your son to his parents when HE is meant to be looking after him. If he just took responsibility for his own step-son, then you'd have no problem asking his parents to baby-sit on the odd occasion.

#91 robhat

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:04 PM

I actually don't have ANY grandparents nearby to help me out. In fact my kids only have one set of grandparents who live in another state for about half the year and are usually overseas the other half.

Grandparents are NOT obligated to babysit EVER. There is no rule that says they have to or should. Personally I feel that in an ideal world where people have great relationships with their parents that a grandparent would have no problem with a bit of babysitting, but this isn't that world. Yes, your father is perhaps being a bit selfish. We all do that at times. Sometimes I refuse to do things for friends because I'm just too tired or something. That's normal. You need to find someone else to mind your kid. Yes this is hard. Yes it sucks. I should know, I do it ALL THE TIME. But that's life. It is actually a big ask to ask someone to mind your kid, no matter how well behaved they are. Leave your dad alone and find someone who WANTS to take you kid.

OK. I just read some more of your posts and I think something you need to accept is that your father isn't actually a suitable person to leave your child with. If he is that erratic, he may not be able to care for your child safely. As hard as it is to find other people to help out, PLEASE don't try to leave your child with your father. Ask your In laws this time, NEVER ask your father again and try to get yourself a supportive network of friends who you can swap babysitting favours with. I have a few friends like that. In fact I'm taking one friend's 3 kids this afternoon so she can go to a school info thing and she's taking mine for much the same reason next week. I have about 3 families who I can do that sort of babysitting swap with. In most cases we don't even count who owes who anymore, we just help each other out when it's needed. You're gonna need that support as the years go by, so work hard on some good friendships where you'll be able to do this.

Edited by robhat, 18 February 2014 - 01:13 PM.


#92 luke's mummu

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:08 PM

My inlaws have never looked after my kids (8 and 4) and my parents will only look after 1 at a time, for a short period of time. We can't afford a babysitter, so it makes time alone with Hubby very rare. That's just the way it is.

Ae you sure you can't take DS to the funeral? With an iPAD or something? I have with a 1 year old, but DH took him out for a walk in the middle of the service.

#93 JBH

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:13 PM

Hi OP. I understand why you're disappointed in your father is some pretty extreme and emotional circumstances. While I agree with all the posters who say that he has no obligation to babysit, given the position you're in, it would be decent of him to help. However, he's said no and you need to accept it. It might be he has a good reason to refuse, like trepidation about caring for a toddler, or he might be a selfish old bugger. At this point it doesn't matter, but in the future, if it's the former , he might be able to give you a hand.

I understand you are trying not to take advantage of your in laws' kindness, but perhaps take them up on it. You clearly see their "non biological" status as a reason to ask less, and while I understand that is coming from trying to be considerate, take care not to make them feel like lesser grandparents. The thank you card idea is lovely.

#94 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:16 PM

View PostBecky Thatcher, on 18 February 2014 - 12:52 PM, said:

OP sweetie, your emotions are all over the place. Your young friend has died, you are young and with a toddler and working full time.

You're an angel. I'm 15 weeks pregnant too. Emotions are going nuts.

#95 Squeekums The Elf

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:16 PM

Guilt trip post wont work OP, we dont have to agree, be all 'aww hugzzz hun' and think he is being unreasonable cos he isnt, there is no law that says he HAS to . Yeah its sh*t that he dont want to but nothing you can do, why dwell on it?

There are many who have been in your situation and I dont get what your age has to do with it
You've also been given many alternatives
Ask a friend, ask the inlaws which WANT TO HELP
Take him with you
Send flowers and an apology

But given what he says to you, why do you even want your DS going there and put yourself through hearing it?

#96 Nobodyelse

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:17 PM

Oh OP. You're new. I made a similar babysitting question mistake when I was new. You're not going to win any friends with this question. As you can see.

But I do understand why you are frustrated. My father is nearly 70. He was a very hands on father and grandfather. He spends lots of time with my DS when I visit. They go for walks together and feed the birds.

But dad tires quickly and prefers the low key type of visit. He has babysat twice in three years and only then for a couple of hours. I didn't dilly dally and was acutely aware of having to get back. Dad would never say no to helping me but I can see it makes him uncomfortable, nervous and a little bit scared. And like your father, he finds comfort in his routine. My son isn't part of that routine.

I would let it go and take your son with you to the funeral. I know that isn't a popular choice but I don't believe in keeping kids away from these things just becaue they are kids. Death and funerals are part of our lives. Attending them isn't something icky to shelter him from. It is a blessing to have the opportunity to celebrate your friend's life.

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

#97 Superman+4sisters

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:24 PM

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

Can I just say that, from the snippets you have put up of what your dad comes out with in terms of understanding the needs of different people at different times, he does not sound capable of having full care of your child, not even for one much-needed day. He is perhaps being stubborn, but he is also being realistic about what he can and cannot do.

Whether you think that he's capable is irrelevant. Whether you think your ds will be no trouble to him is also irrelevant.

I'm glad that some of the other posters have come up with some helpful suggestions, and I hope that you can see your way forward from here.

I can hear that you love your dad, just as he is, faults and good points and all. Being a parent yourself does mean that you re-evaluate your relationship with your parents, and it does continue to evolve. Accept this as part of the evolution of your relationship - or at least put it off to be looked at once you're over the intensity of grief over losing your friend. Once again, my sympathy.

#98 sāta kōrsa

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:28 PM

Ugh, he sounds just awful.  I wouldn't raise the topic with him again.  What for?  He'll just yell at you and upset you again.  

I wouldn't ask anything from him again actually.  I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

#99 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:29 PM

Look just one more contribution from me, this is going out to all the people calling me a Princess.

I understand it is never the grandparent's job to baby-sit. I 100% believe that if you have a child, you need to accept the parental responsibilities yourself. I despise the fact that there's so many young mums like myself whose parent are HAPPY to play baby-sitter every weekend, even more than that, so that the immature and selfish "mother" can go out drinking with her friends. I am NOT that person. And honestly, at 22 years of age, it's miraculous that I don't act like that. It frustrates me to no end that there's parents who can work full time whilst their kids get minded by the grandparents every day. I would kill for that sort of support! But no way would I ask for it, how could you ask for that sort of commitment? I agree that the grandparents have had their own kids and now it's time for their break. I'm not the selfish kid you all seem to think I am. I don't ever expect help from my father, because I never get it. But I just think that this is an exceptional circumstance.
Contrary to what you believe, families ARE supposed to help each other out. That's what family is. I'm not saying that families are supposed to be baby-sitters. I'm saying they're supposed to help. That's all. Christ, I've driven myself to the hospital with an extopic pregnancy that almost ruptured because I didn't want to ask for help. I drove myself home from the hospital after a ceasarian because I didn't want to ask for help.
So get off your high horses, there is no way I have been unreasonable.
/rant

Edited by tazz91, 18 February 2014 - 01:32 PM.


#100 Caribou

Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:32 PM

I don't think your Dad was being rude. He doesn't have to babysit. It sucks, you need to go to a funeral, I'm sorry about your friend, but honestly, I'd just take Your Child with You. I think you're really wound up and stressed/upset and you're making it bigger than it needs to be.




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