Jump to content
No kissing no sex
43 replies to this topic
Posted 10 September 2014 - 07:21 PM
OP, it's a strange time, those first few months, and they shake everyone up.
I know I felt like I was doing everything for the baby and my life as I'd known it was totally sacrificed to that, while DH was also pushing me to support him and give him what he needed as well. But nobody was supporting me, nobody was there to help me, so I ended up feeling very lost and alone and torn in every direction.
That's how I felt in those first few months. But I'm quite sure DH experienced them quite differently, perhaps even similarly to the way you're feeling now. Neither of us was right, neither was wrong. We were trying to support the other, but didn't quite know how in adjusting to this brand new situation.
All I can say is be patient. It does slowly return to normal.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 07:22 PM
No but I know what it's like to have my whole world turned upside down, to be dealing with b'feeding and sleep deprivation like I've never experienced (and I thought those all nighters when I was studying/partying counted!), to deal with the overwhelming and relentless responsibility of another being, to forget to eat or drink for eight hours because the baby wouldn't settled, to deal with the hormones and after birth body changes... and you know what? My partner knew it too (except the b'feeding and after birth changes). He experienced it too, he understood and never said anything about sex or affection. *I* came second to the baby, my husband came second to the baby, but we both understood and were mature enough to know it wasn't forever. Neither of us wondered how long the relationship would last (especially after just three mths), because we were grown ups. I have no time for anyone who is "wondering how much longer the relationship can last" because he hasn't had a kiss or sex in just three mths. I bet his wife hasn't had a wee on her own in the same amount of time.
So do I. I had a baby in NICU with HIE, got PND and separated from DH after 6 months because of lack of support. She is only just turned 2. I have a higher sex drive than my partner so its normally me wanting affection and I did so when I was going through PND.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 07:27 PM
You had my sympathy until you were rude to a PP.
She was trying to help, you asked for help.
Edited by canadianmum, 10 September 2014 - 10:42 PM.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 07:30 PM
I hate to tell you this OP but I couldn't bear the thought of sex with my DH for a loooong time after giving birth to our children. Apart from the initial bleeding, stitches, physical discomfort and exhaustion, my hormones were all over the place due to breastfeeding. I had zero interest in sex.
I still loved my husband, actually I possibly loved him more as the father of our beautiful children, and watching him interact with our babies stirred my heart in ways nothing else can. But that did not mean I wanted to have any physical love from him or with him - I was getting more than enough physical contact from the baby. The thought of someone else needing a piece of me was too much to bear.
Eventually things returned to normal and fortunately for me I married a man advanced enough to cope with the 'deprivation' of his physical and emotional needs for a while, and to appreciate me for what a great job I was doing with our new human being.
Our marriage now is stronger than ever, I adore him for how selfless he was (and is). I never once heard him complain about anything to do with our physical relationship. I think it would have devestated me if he had.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 07:42 PM
Quoting before OP deletes.
Hi guys I'm sure this is a question that's been asked many times before. We had our baby 3 months ago, things are ok between us and we do talk and make time for each other but there is no chemistry between us anymore. I spoke to my partner and explained how I feel and that I felt unwanted as we don't even kiss anymore.she keeps telling me her feelings to words me haven't changed and she does not no why. I'm trying to understand that this is normal but I'm starting to loose the affection towards her and not sure how long our relationship is going to last like this.
Any help or suggestions greatly appreciated
OP: Grow up. You're not the centre of your partner's world anymore. The baby is. The baby needs to be. With time and support your relationship will return to a more normal balance. The hormones after giving birth can affect a woman massively. I agree with everyone else about being "touched out" by the end of the day. The last thing I wanted was to be touched yet again once I was in bed and the baby was asleep. Do you pull your weight around the house and with the baby? Are you cooking and cleaning? Taking the baby so your partner can be a person instead of a baby carer?
If you think that your relationship is in danger from no sex for 3 months when you've just had a baby then odds are your relationship is already in trouble from you being an immature prat.
Bagging out DDA was not cool. Her post was spot on. Print it out and read it about 100 times.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 08:18 PM
You know OP, if you were doing this 'new dad to a new baby' gig even remotely right, the baby would be the centre of your world too, you'd also be exhausted, you'd be loving your wife to a new degree that you didn't know was possible and you'd barely have noticed that sex wasn't on the agenda.
Posted 10 September 2014 - 08:23 PM
Sorry but you do need to pull your head in and be an adult. A baby will come before a child and both before an adult.
Emotionally she will be still up and down plus sleep deprivation and physically she might still be recovering. 3m after ds2 I still couldnt sit without pain from stitches and with dd6 I was still bleeding heavy and in pain from my c/s.
How was the birth? My views of DH changed radically after the fiasco of dd6 arrival, unfortunately not for the best. PND and PTSD are common.
How are you coping with the birth and a newborn? Are you bonding. Take the baby for a walk, bath, sing or read to them?
As for the sex, well you can take care of it yourself
Posted 13 September 2014 - 02:53 PM
As for the sex, well you can take care of it yourself
Hahahahahaha that's gold!
Posted 13 September 2014 - 03:55 PM
As for the sex, well you can take care of it yourself
This is actually your best advice at the moment. Come on your arms aren't painted on are they.
From the guy's perspective it is a big change to get used to. You have been relegated to third position in your relationship with bubby first and mummy second. I found accepting this easier if you take this stand instead of having it forced on you.
Meet your baby's needs, then your partners, before finally your own. The intimacy is important for guys but the break is usually only temporary. Once things start settling down the intimacy tends to start picking up.
Posted 22 September 2014 - 11:57 PM
Help your wife out with the baby. Give her a break, give her some time out from the baby, from yourself, from housework etc, etc, take her out on a date even if its for a couple of hours for a meal, that's what I would of wanted from my now ex husband. I did it all with our children,, he never lifted a finger much at all, I was exhausted, tired, resentful, hated it feeling totally responsible, I didn't want to be touched either, I was so touched out by a baby then another, I married a very immature man. No matter how much I asked him to support me with our children, it was to no avail. The funny thing now with me being divorced, I have had so much support, how sad, how disappointing.
I didn't ever feel like romance or anything after I had the first or our second child, I was angry. I needed his support in co parenting with me, also his appreciation of me , of doing a great job with our kids. I never got any of this, it was all about him. Very sad, disappointing and I really sold myself and my two children very short of a proper father/husband. A real man doesn't do this to his wife and children. I married a very selfish man. We are divorced now. Very sad and disappointing.
Please give your wife a break. Let her have lots of sleep ins, take her out on dates, give her feedback that she is doing a great job, be a bit more mature about it all.
Posted 15 October 2014 - 08:14 PM
Firstly wow, just wow.
You seriously need a reality check. If you're considering leaving after just 3 months then you're not cut out for being a dad. At 3 months post baby I was way too exhausted to even think about sex let alone care about whether DF was getting enough. Babies are hard work. It's a 24 hour 7 day a week job and I'm pretty sure, though I could be wrong, you're not giving her much help.
Secondly, IMO if you've even inadvertently hinted towards your true feelings about this to your partner it's going to take her alot longer to be in the mood. She'll grow resentful towards you and prob distance herself even more.
It's time for you to act like a man and father and not come here whinging that you're not getting enough when your wife has only recently given birth.
Posted 15 October 2014 - 09:05 PM
Grow up, honestly. This isn't about you, but her and the baby. She gave birth three months ago and all you can talk about is your needs.
Earn some dad points now. Take the baby out so she can sleep and have alone time. Support her at the night feelings. Take the baby to give her a break if they're both stressed. Go to her, give her a hug and a kids and tell her she's doing a fantastic job.
She'll remember that when she's ready to have sex again, which will only happen when she's ready and it won't be the same, just as she'll remember you whinging about your needs.
Posted 15 October 2014 - 09:54 PM
Maybe one day in the future you will have prostate cancer. You will be feeling sick and tired and then a surgeon will cut you open and remove the tumour.
It's been emotional and scary time for you, you are on leave from work, less money, feeling a bit isolated, physically you feel crap. And to top it off the surgeon says it will be six months before you can get an erection again.
3 months later your wife says she can't handle the lack of sex anymore and she's leaving you. What would you think?
Posted 15 October 2014 - 09:57 PM
Here's a clue. If you are thinking gee, she could just be patient and a bit sympathetic, or even just support me while I'm unwell - then you have your answer to how you should behave.
Posted 15 October 2014 - 10:20 PM
OP it's likely that things won't stay like this, but the long term affect on your relationship will depend on your attitude now. She'll get her libido back at some point, but you want to make sure she's felt supported during this overwhelming time. I was a mess for 6 months at least.
If you want some insight as to why she's not up to it look up the thread on the 70 year old vagina as a start. Those hormones really have an effect. Then have a weekend where you do all the getting up to the baby. And let get have some free time during the day as well. It's pretty overwhelming to be on call 24/7 and might help you understand her need for a bit of physical space.
Posted 15 October 2014 - 10:23 PM
I just noticed this is in the Dad's section. I don't think he's looking for our perspective ladies!
Posted 15 October 2014 - 10:56 PM
My DH was also too exhausted and 'touched out' to want intimacy or sex when we had a 3 month old and even more so when our second came along. He was too busy looking after a newborn. And he wasn't 'taking baby for a walk to give me a break' or 'helping out around the house'. He was looking after and bonding with his child or taking care of his home, just like I was.
We have our fair share of issues but this thread makes me appreciate him a whole lot more. He puts the needs of his children first and wouldn't have it any other way.
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users
Top 5 Viewed Articles