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Emergency Ceaser, feeling disconnected.
34 replies to this topic
Posted 20 July 2015 - 04:04 PM
So Sorry OP you went through that. I think seeing a professional would help. You have been through a traumatic experience and its not easy to overcome. I thought If I share some of my story and how I have dealt with it - might help you a bit...I hope so.
I had a traumatic birth for my third child - ended up with a emergency C-section with a general so none of us were there to greet DS (by far the most upsetting part for me). I was asleep and DH was left in the labour ward with my mum in shock.
I don't have any photos and don't know first hand what happened. All I remember was waking up in pain and the nurse telling me DS was alive and ok - I saw him hours later as he was transferred to the NICU. I was told the story days later by the OBYN who told him he was resuscitated. I don't remember the first time I saw him even - so awful as I was on medications and probably shocked too
I also feel ripped off and labour was going so well (made it to 10cms and all was good until all of sudden his heart beat was gone) and I have no reason for the sudden change. The OBYN didn't know why it happened
The only things that have helped me through - I knew our obyn well and trusted him, I also felt so fortunate to have DS alive and well as I know how close we were for things going the other way. I did bond with DS very quickly and tried very hard not to think it over too much. I still cry when I think about it and I feel disappointed as I was set on a natural birth - but I have to accept it wasn't to be and DS was my last baby so it will never be.
Posted 20 July 2015 - 04:29 PM
I too had an emergency C-section and for months after I felt the same. All I can say is that the feelings do get better over time despite me thinking at the time that they never would. It didn't help with me either that so many people told me the reason breastfeeding didn't work was because of the C-section....which I now know is crap but thats another story. Also didn't help that 3 weeks after DS was born when he was going through a crying phase that my mum suggested I breastfeed him and that had I not "agreed to the C-section" he would have been more settled. It wasn't a matter of me agreeing, it was a matter of either me or DS or both of us dying without one (I had a placental abruption, premature separation of placenta from uterus wall). The only agreeing I did was signing the consent forms to take me into theatre.
Posted 10 December 2015 - 08:38 PM
OP, try not to be too hard on your partner for not understanding. I had an emergency C-section, and I guess I don't understand either. But that doesn't invalidate how you feel, and he needs to accept it even if he doesn't get it.
Even in this thread already, there are lots of ladies who do get how you are feeling. Reach out, and take as much help as you need. You deserve to be able to enjoy this time with your little one without battling through your feelings about her birth.
Posted 10 December 2015 - 08:39 PM
I don't have time to write a lot now, but I get it. It took me ages to bond with my daughter. And I didn't really heal properly from her birth until my second was born. He was an elective Cs, but much more pleasent than the first.
Posted 10 December 2015 - 09:53 PM
This thread was revived by a post that has been removed as it was not appropriate in this forum. I have also removed a couple of responses.
Posted 07 January 2016 - 09:15 PM
hugs! I had an emergency c section 3 1/2 months ago and felt completely ripped off. My eldest was born vaginally and I was in no way prepared for a caeserian. My waters broke, and bub had pooed and was starting to get distressed so she had to come out quickly. I hadn't even really started contracting and was only 4cm dilated. It just didn't happen the way I had planned. I got sick of people telling me I should just be grateful for a healthy baby. Of course I am grateful, but I still felt grief as I was looking forward (well as much as you can!) to re-experiencing another vaginal delivery and that was taken away. The whole experience was bloody awful and I am a bit stumped at how casual other mums that have experienced emergency c sections are about this. Not in a judgemental way, I just wondered how they coped with the emotions and why I felt so different. I was lucky in that I was able to hold my baby straight away. However the recovery time for me has been looooong and with complications (retained placenta, abscess).
Time will ease the pain. You will be grieving so go easy on yourself. Xox
Posted 04 April 2016 - 03:15 AM
Thanks to everyone for your responses and for sharing your experiences. I still get upset when I think about my daughters birth, but as many have mentioned i think about it less and less, so it has gotten easier. x
Posted 04 April 2016 - 05:17 PM
I get it too. I desperately wanted to experience labour - waters breaking, contractions, pushing my babies out and then the beautiful skin to skin afterwards. Instead I had to have two planned c-sections. If we have a third, I am sure it will also be a c-section.
I felt a lot of sadness and disappointment. I also felt a lot if guilt. And most of all I felt 100% ripped off. All around me my friends were having natural labours or vbacs, and I was the only one who has never had that opportunity.
It took hours of conversations to get my DH to understand. I had lots of therapy before the births to try and accept my situation. I cannot recommend enough talking to a good therapist to come to terms with what happened.
My births were different - one went badly the other ok. But even the "good" one felt like a medical procedure and nothing like the natural birthing process I had dreamed of having.
I strongly believe birth trauma is a real thing. It certainly sounds like you are experiencing it. I am so sorry for your pain. Definitely get some counselling and perhaps consider taking your DH along to help him understand.
Posted 05 September 2016 - 08:58 AM
I have not experienced this but my mom did with me. She wanted a natural childbirth and ended up getting an epidural and having a forceps delivery.
When my sister came along three years later, she was on the table screaming for drugs, but her doctor knew how important it was to her to have a natural delivery. He basically refused to give her drugs because he knew she would regret it. I can imagine she was p*ssed at the time, but she was grateful ever after!
Posted 23 September 2016 - 10:43 AM
I had an emergency c-section 11 days ago with my first baby. She was born at 40 weeks 6 days, and never seemed to engage in the pelvis. My cervix didn't dilate on its own, even with a Cervidil pessary inserted the night before my scheduled induction, and I never experienced spontaneous labour. The morning of the induction, I was put on an oxytocin drip and had contractions for about 11-12 hours, most of which I got by on the gas because I thought I'd be giving birth any time now. My cervix only ever dilated to 4cm and her head didn't descend. By about hour 10 or 11, I'd asked for the epidural, still under the belief I could give birth vaginally and it was just a matter of waiting for her head to drop and my cervix to dilate, however many more hours that would be. My OB came in and told me the baby's heart rate was starting to drop significantly with each contraction and that I had two choices: c-section now or turn off the drip and re-start it at the low dose to see if baby can tolerate it. I'd started shaking from the epidural and felt like I couldn't breathe properly because it was administered too high - I was numb from the breasts down. At this stage, things are fuzzy in my memory but I do remember feeling like I was starting to lose control of the situation. We re-started the drip at a lower rate and baby's heart rate continued to drop. My most vivid memory is of my OB staring at the monitor and slowly turning to me to say we are turning off the drip and headed to theatre for a c-section. I honestly don't remember even agreeing because in my mind, it felt hazy and not real. I do remember him getting me to sign the consent form and then all the nurses rushing in prep me for and take me to theatre. The entire time, I kept thinking is this really happening? This is not what I wanted. What is wrong with my baby? Where is everyone?
Hubby came with me to theatre and got taken to get into scrubs. A bunch of people introduced themselves to me as I was wheeled in. I was still shaking very badly from the epi and the anaesthetist topped me up and talked me through the procedures happening. Hubby came to my side and stayed with me. I felt literally numb but tried so hard to make myself be okay and in the moment. It turned out she had the cord looped around her neck and this has prevented her from descending and eventually getting distressed when the contractions became bigger throughout the night.
The moment they lifted my daughter out, I heard her scream and saw her pee and felt relieved but detached. The paed took her to the side to check her and hubby went with them to cut the cord. She came back to me wrapped in a towel and placed on my chest while they sewed me up. I was relieved to hold her but wondered why they weren't doing skin-to-skin. In my haze, I never asked - something I regret. A midwife took photos of her birth and of her cord cutting and of her on my chest, so we have a full set of pictures of her birth but when I look at them, I still feel a bit detached because I don't connect with those moments. After I was sewn up, they moved me to recovery while hubby and baby went to the nursery. I was told I'd be in recovery for 20 mins but ended up there for almost an hour. My OB dropped by to check on my briefly but I barely remember what he said, just that it felt very brief and again, detached. Like it was just him fulfilling his duties before clocking off, which it probably was. In hindsight, I would have liked to have discussed with him what had happened in more detail but at the time, just could not compute much. When I was finally taken back to my room, I was still numb and couldn't move or sit up in bed without help. I asked the nurses to prop me up and then baby and hubby came in. We did some skin-to-skin and I tried to let her suckle on my breast but no one checked that we were doing it properly. I was so exhausted by then that it was all I could do to watch hubby dress our baby in the clothes we'd picked out ages ago, while I lay helpless and unable to move.
I cried in the days that followed, sometimes without provocation but often when reliving the birth of her, just because I felt so at a loss as to how to process it. It wasn't how I imagined it would happen and it wasn't the best experience with how little communication beyond the vital exchanges there were between us and the staff that night. The random mix of staff for the rest of our stay (some great, some really weird and not nice) contributed to the feelings because it felt like we were just numbers on the ward, not patients. I never got a debrief from anyone and only ever discussed my feelings with my family and some close friends. I still feel like I failed in some way and am ashamed of how she was birthed. I felt like the decision wasn't mine and I'm disconnected from the entire process.
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