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Deciding whether to go for #2 at 40

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#26 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 01 June 2015 - 11:10 PM

Sorry this turned into a long post, I think because I've been down the same path, it's the first time I've been inspired to comment. I'm hope I'm sharing not preaching!

View Postceevee, on 21 May 2015 - 09:42 PM, said:

, I feel so tired already I can't imagine how I would cope having a newborn and a toddler!!

I had my DS at 37, DD at 39 and am expecting DS2 in 6 weeks at 41. Fairly closely spaced because I didn't think I had time to delay.  

DS was a dreadful sleeper with reflux etc and we spent a week in Masada (they were brilliant). DD was pretty good, probably because we were better at resettling her etc from day 1.  I was a zombie for 5 months with DS, with DD I was just tired all the time.  But, I also went back to work part time very early as I run a business, and found it's easier to sit at your desk than to chase a toddler around so that helped too.

You don't want to risk destroying what you've already got, but I'm with BoysGalore, you only regret the ones you don't have, and with HalcyonDays and gcMelody - get your supports in place (and be ready to relax your standards) if you decide to do it. I worked out the hardest and easiest bits,  I try to outsource the bits I don't like, like shopping and cleaning, and keep the bits I do like, like dropping DS at kinder.  Getting Coles online doesn't cost that much if you get a delivery every 2 weeks and saves me heaps of energy. Oven meals are less tiring than stovetop ones you have to stir. Sitting down to cut veggies is less tiring. There is nothing wrong with play school as babysitter if u need to lie down for half an hour in the next room.
see if you can change ANYTHING to reduce tiredness. I agree that being so tired can have lots to do with PND ( we very nearly went there too). If you can afford it financially, you can hire help. If not, does going back to work earlier after baby arrives help (money and the 'rest' time!).

View Postceevee, on 26 May 2015 - 10:44 PM, said:

I love this!! "restored you faith in your parenting abilities" that sounds amazing! Oh but if I could have one of those babies....
Counselling went well.  She said there is no way you can make it a rational decision, it has to be an emotional one, that's the bottom line.  Then you make it work.
But meanwhile in an interesting development DH came back from his work trip and said he was willing to give it a go.  Counsellor said make sure he is happy with the decision for himself, and not just saying it to make you happy.  So I've put that to him and ball is back in his court.  

Sounds like your counsellor has a lot of sense. ( I like good counsellors!)  It was not rational for me to have a third but it is emotionally right.
I need a hip replacement and at the moment can't walk, haven't cooked dinner in a month or washed the floors in 3 months. Heck, I can't even pick up my keys if I drop them, but I have a very helpful 3yo for that.  I have a very supportive workplace (because it's my business) and good support from family and paid sources, but I'm tired, sore and it will only get harder (hip to be done when baby is 6 months). But if I could choose again I'd still go for it, I'm too old to put it off for a couple of years. On the other hand, we used to talk about having 4. My body won't take it, we won't be doing that.
See if DH is on board to the extent that he's not going to cast blame that it got hard again, he doesn't have to think it's the best idea in the world. What I am trying to say is that doing it to make you happy is not the worst reason in the world, my own DH felt that way about having any at all.  Now he talks every day about how gorgeous our 2 are together, how they have 'conversations' and interact... DS already looks out for DD and is eager to meet DS2. He even wants to be at the delivery (not going to happen).

View PostBoysGalore+1girly, on 26 May 2015 - 10:54 PM, said:

You will never regret the children you do have only the ones you don't


View Postgc_melody, on 26 May 2015 - 11:03 PM, said:

A slightly different experience here.

I had my first at almost 41 and my second at 43. They're 18mo and 3yro now. I am incredibly tired. More tired than I care to admit but I ask other Mums who are younger than me and they are just as tired. Parenting can be exhausting no matter what your age I think.

If you have supports in place, then you're ahead already to where you were when you had your first. The other thing is that I didn't find having a second child to be as much of a shock or adjustment as having my first. I like that they are going to be developmentally close together and they are great buddies right now. That may change, or it may not. The only downside for me was that I thought DH would step up a bit more with the added workload. He hasn't. So essentially, I am chief maid, chef, cleaner, carer, comforter and anything else thrown into the mix. But I know it was the right decision for us to have a second child.

If you want to and your DH does too, then go for it. All the best with your decision.

My DH and I didn't want kids at all, and that's what we always said. Fast forward to 35 (after being together since early 20's) and suddenly I did. DH got used to the idea and said 'if that will make you happy'. He's now totally besotted with the kids, plays with them all weekend etc. housework- not so much. He does cook a couple times a week, we have takeaway once and at the moment something frozen and heat up, or beans on toast, or leftovers, or something my mother or sister made on the other days.

Wishing you all the best in whichever way you decide Ceevee

#27 ceevee

Posted 02 June 2015 - 09:25 PM

Hi Changingpace, thanks for your post, that's all good advice.  It's so inspiring to hear everyone's experiences! I think that makes sense about DH, he loves DS to bits (even though he complains about him!) and of course he would love any other child we had too.  

He's gone quiet on the topic, I think he's off in the man cave, we'll see what he has to say when he comes out... ;)

Lots of great practical suggestions in there - hit me with your oven recipes!!

Btw- wishing you all the best with your new bub and your new hip!! What a supermum

Edited by ceevee, 02 June 2015 - 09:27 PM.

#28 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 03 June 2015 - 10:12 PM

Hi Ceevee

Behind every alleged super mum is an elaborate support structure and a good diary system...  If only you could see the bombshell my house is tonight - the cleaners come tomorrow and it will take them half n hour just to pick stuff up off the floor -toys, kid clothes, dropped food in the kitchen.. And my sister left us tidy just yesterday afternoon..

Oven recipes? At this point, it's frozen chicken Kiev in oven with frozen chips and microwave peas! Or fancy pouch soup in microwave, with toast.  That and the feral mess is the dropping standards part - if it's probably healthier than take away and costs less, that's ok for the short term.  I 'assemble' food at the moment, today was cold so the kids and I had frozen lamb casserole heated and served in vol au vent cases for lunch.  Like a pie, but easier. I didn't make the casserole either.  Lucky we have a chest freezer

Back on topic: I don't know if it's age, health issues or the fact that it's no 3, but this pregnancy has been twice as hard as the 1st or 2nd.  I'm hoping baby won't be twice as hard!

#29 zjb2

Posted 05 June 2015 - 09:43 PM

Hi Ceevee,

Best of luck with the decision, it is a hard one.

I was 42 when I had DD1 and nearly 44 when DD2 was born. They are now 14 and 34 months old.

It is fantastic to see them interact when they are happy and I am really glad we have them both. Fingers crossed they become and stay friends but I fully understand this is not a given.

I found the first 12 months extremely hard and I have been (probably still am) tireder than I have ever been in my life. DD2 has been a much easier baby in temperament but was an early mover/crawler/climber so requires significantly more observation in that sense.

Dh is incredibly supportive but apart from that we are fairly alone and it is just now I am getting extra help in /doing what I can to make life easier. I second those pp's that advise getting set up initially to have as much help as you can. It can make a huge positive difference.

All the best.

#30 the abc

Posted 22 June 2015 - 07:11 AM

Great reading through this. After my first I swore there would never be another. DP was also more than happy w one. DS is now 15mths and we're both entertaining the possibility of a second. Really hard call to make though as I was so tired and anxious w DS1 and everyone tells me he's such an easy baby. What if I got a 'difficult' baby?? How did you cope financially w a second, both with the first year or two, childcare  costs and then at a school age? So hard to get your head around it all. We also have no help from family. My heart wants it but my head is telling me I'm mad. Good luck with your decision OP

#31 Sixx

Posted 22 June 2015 - 07:32 AM

View Postindigo~, on 27 May 2015 - 07:52 PM, said:

I used an app on my phone for my first, recording feeds (how long, which boob), naps, nappy changes, the lot. I'd pore over it, looking for patterns, issues. Hilarious! I have no idea about any of this for no2. I just go with the flow. I couldn't even tell you where he sits on the percentiles. He looks OK to me.

I'm in my late 20s I had my first in my early 20s
with my first I was the most anxious eventhough he was an ok baby
I guess this comes from wanting to 'do it right' then you realise with the others doing it right is having a well (or well-ish) baby lol
1st baby I was noting breastfeeds weekly weight etc

Others came closely after and just went with the flow with feeds etc wouldn't know how often or for how long
Besides the fact I don't have time to fuss

Edited by Sixx, 22 June 2015 - 07:42 AM.

#32 South Coast

Posted 23 June 2015 - 09:06 PM

I'm so pleased to find this thread and to know that I am not alone with the dilemma of wanting another...

I'm 40 in December,  took us three years and IVF to get DS - he's been an easy baby but I have struggled with anxiety.  Also, we have had awful luck since DS came on the scene, a lot of illness, we both lost our jobs and some relationship issues, although things are back on track some days are still a struggle.

I also have the added pressure of having a frozen embryo - I think about it every day, have had two attempts to transfer it but both cycles got cancelled before I got to that stage.  Some days I'm all for another, other days I am terrified at the thought - terrified of the lack of sleep, financially, the pressure of two.

GAHHH I don't know what to do either!!!  :(

#33 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 20 July 2015 - 01:22 PM

View PostBoysGalore+1girly, on 26 May 2015 - 10:54 PM, said:

You will never regret the children you do have only the ones you don't

Absolute Balderdash.

A trite saying to tell people to have more.

Does not take into consideration that "just one more" who happened to be the evil child from hell whose presence helped be the final nail in a relationship (where one partner was not fully on board) or the "just one more" who has major difficulties/problems which is a lifelong burden.

I know my parents have expressed regret at their one more. Even I tell my sister (as does SIL) to seriously reconsider the impact that just one more will have. We love our youngest, but life has drastically changed and we do fantasise about life without our last.

#34 MwahMum

Posted 21 July 2017 - 01:46 PM

Bumping this thread, to see if there are any more thoughts out there on this.

I was always publicly ambivalent about having kids, but really wanted them, deep down. Had DD at 39. She is a dream baby and a total delight.

After what felt like an epic pregnancy and horrendous labour, swore I was OAD.

Now trying to balance the pros and cons of going again. It's a toughy!

Edited by MwahMum, 21 July 2017 - 01:46 PM.

#35 1luvv1life

Posted 23 July 2017 - 10:11 AM

Hey Mwahmum

Yeah it's a hard call to make but just gotta trust your heart. So many reasons not too for me and yet here I am.....

My DD is 12 years old now (had her when I was 29) I told family at my baby shower she'd be my one and only that's how positive I was. I never ever wanted another ... until now! And I'm turning 42 in a few months.

Seperated from my exH 3 years ago and my new DP is 41 and has 2 DDs (almost 9 & 7) and we've decided to TTC as of this month.

I've always tracked my cycles/fertility window and haven't taken contraception for 13 years. I know my body well but am unsure if I'm technically still ovulating right now. I'm not as concerned if #2 doesn't happen for me, what will be will be. I won't go on medication or try ivf as I'm happy and content whichever way it goes. I know this isn't the case for many but it's just my journey and I'm quite chilled out about it.

I hope this thread stays active too lol

#36 MwahMum

Posted 27 September 2018 - 06:08 AM

Have posted an update in another thread.

Decided to have a few last bites at the cherry, see if anything stuck. (Mixed metaphor heaven)

Here we are 5 weeks pregnant.  

Mostly excited, a little trepidatious about throwing our harmony (yes, including the toddler!) into disarray...

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