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I just need to get this out

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#1 froglett

Posted 22 October 2015 - 05:58 AM

My beautiful baby girl was born on Saturday at 37 weeks. We're still in hospital and dh isn't awake yet so I just need to get this out.

I think I've got a little case of the baby blues and the reality of her delivery has finally hit me.

Essentially she stopped moving. I first noticed it Friday, but then thought I was being neurotic because early Saturday am when I woke up To pee I could feel her kick again. I just thought I'd had a busy day with DS and wasn't focussed on her. Then when I woke up properly Saturday morning she had hiccups but they felt very weak.

I told DH I didn't want to go to the gym... By this stage I knew there was something wrong but I was in a bit of denial. I was poking her and prodding her and she just wouldn't respond. Just before lunch I told DH that we needed to go to the hospital to get checked out. He didn't try to convince me otherwise but he was still thinking we'd get checked and come home, I was worried about nothing. Something deep down told me we wouldn't.

I had a cold apple juice at the hospital and they got me hooked up to the ctg, then told me to press the button when baby moved. She didn't the whole time we were there.

The midwife took the trace print off down to the OB on duty and then they came back and said they needed to get baby out right now. They were worried about the lack of movement and decelerations in her heart rate. They were so worried they bumped another emergency CS.

This whole pregnancy I was so geared up for a VBAC and I knew the second they said it there'd be no VBAC. I was gutted. And incredibly scared that I'd have to go through another CS. And just downright frightened that my baby might not make it.

I asked them what the alternative was and they said we could stay in and have monitoring but they'd strongly recommend we go to theatre right now. DH and I had a moment together and he asked me what I thought. My gut said get her out right now so off we went.

I can't fault the staff they were all incredible and so caring and respectful. DH and I asked they not to announce her sex (we didn't find out and last time with DS we asked them not to tell us but they still announced it) and to do skin to skin if possible. When she came out she wasn't breathing and was white as a sheet. It was the longest minute of my life waiting while they resuscitated her to hear her. Finally she gave a little cry. DH asked if he could go over and see her.

Before they took me to theatre he said to me that he'd take a fiver if she was a girl. I took him up, I'd felt like she was a girl the whole pregnancy but didn't want to get attached to the idea in case I was wrong.

He came back across to me once he'd seen her and said I'll take your fiver ;) we had a daughter.

They asked DH if he wanted to cut the cord and he said yes. He's pretty squeamish, he did DS's cord after the midwife asked (told) him to, but this time there was no hesitation he jumped right in there and did it.

They wheeled her out with 3 Drs still working on her. DH asked me if I wanted him to go with her and I said yes.

While they stitched me up, the midwife showed me her placenta. It just looked depleted. Wasn't fat or plump, just depleted.

They took me up to recovery and kept me there for the minimal amount of time. Our doula had raced to the hospital when DH called her and she came into recovery to see how I was. They wheeled me up to my room and said they'd take me to the nursery where they were still working on DD.

Took forever so DH and our doula wheel me from my room to the nursery. And DH (bless him) asked the dr if I could have skin to skin. She said yes and so I got my first hold amongst all the wires and oxygen tubes. She was still so so pale. They told me the update. Basically she had an incredibly low haemeglobin (35, should have 200) level. They'd sent for blood to give her a transfusion and had called the nicu ambulance to trf her to a larger hospital.

She was a sick baby. They trfed her and then told me they didn't think I'd be going that night. So I had my pain relief and started to settle in with DH. we decided he'd go across and be there with her to talk to the Drs on the other end. Then the gorgeous midwife that was looking after me came in and asked me if I wanted to go tonight (by this stage it was 2am) and in walked the ambos. I could have kissed her. She'd organised it so I could go with DD :)

The ambos were incredible. They whisked me straight out of there and to DD. When we got there they even took me up to nicu and stayed whilst I met with DDs nurse.

I finally got taken down to the ward around 3.30 and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning around 7 feeling shattered.

Fast forward to now and DD is now on the ward with me. She spent 4 days in nicu whilst they ran tests and hot her sorted.

Basically she had a fetal-maternal blood loss over almost 50% of her blood volume. They don't know why, apparently it's one of these things that can just happen.

#2 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 22 October 2015 - 06:06 AM

hugs and kisses to you,
Your daughter is so lucky to have committed caring parents who were able to recognise she had a problem and get her to where it could be fixed.
I think it completely reasonable to be experiencing grief and sadness and probably shock over the events of the last few days, let alone the knowledge of how close you came to losing her,
So glad she is with you now and things are looking up.

#3 ~kacee~

Posted 22 October 2015 - 06:50 AM

Congratulations on your daughter. But how very scary the circumstances on her birth were. You must have a huge whirl of emotions. I know you'll have heard many times how lucky you are that she is okay. But I also want to stress that it's okay to still feel shattered, and a sense of grief over how she was born. The two don't cancel each other out!

I also tried for a VBAC, and didn't get one, and I still have some difficulty with that.

Reading how you had a doula, and had tried hard to have a VBAC makes me think that you would have spent a lot of the pregnancy researching and preparing for it. It must have felt as though that choice was taken away from you (though no ones fault!) very quickly, and in a way that was surrounded by fear, so I wouldn't be surprised if you're still having a bit of difficulty coming to terms with how it played out.

I hope that everything goes smoother for you now and that you can find some peace in the circumstances of her birth. Keep checking in with how you feel, and don't try to talk yourself out of any difficult emotions by just saying "at least she is okay". Of course that is true, and the most important thing, but you are still allowed to have a mix of emotions.

Hope you're out of hospital soon, and are enjoying lots of cuddles with your new daughter.

Edit to remove sig

Edited by ~kacee~, 22 October 2015 - 06:51 AM.

#4 lizzzard

Posted 22 October 2015 - 06:56 AM

You should be so incredibly proud of yourself OP. Your instinct was amazing. Congratulation on your beautiful new addition.

#5 littleboysmum

Posted 22 October 2015 - 07:02 AM

Congratulation the birth of your beautiful DD. What a scary birth, I can totally understand why you need to get it off your chest. There is a lot to process. Be kind to yourself, you have gone through a major ordeal. We are here for you anytime you need us!

#6 Hands Up

Posted 22 October 2015 - 07:35 AM

Congratulations...... I too get that you need to get it off your chest! I'm so glad your baby is now doing well. I bet you can't wait to get her home :-)

#7 Let-it-go

Posted 22 October 2015 - 08:01 AM

Congrats and wow to mothers instinct.  You did so well making big decisions.

The ambos taking you to your dd brought a tear to my eye.

#8 Katerina 34

Posted 22 October 2015 - 08:15 AM

What a traumatic experience for you. Am so happy that the combination of your instincts and fantastic medical care resulted in the safe arrival of your daughter.

It will take some time to process what has happened. You were clearly motivated to have a VBAC and so there will naturally be disappointment that this wasn't to be. On top of that you will have the trauma of thinking over and over "what might have been" had she not been delivered urgently that night.

I think you should have a debrief in the future with your care provider when you have had a chance to mull things over. I would also consider having some sort of birth trauma counselling- it's not that you want to be able to put this behind you completely but you want to be able to focus all your energy into caring for yourself and your new baby girl. I think talking about it may help you better to process what has happened.

I wish you all the best x

#9 Ianthe

Posted 22 October 2015 - 08:17 AM

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. You have been through a really scary time. Talk to the hospital and line up some extra support if you need to. I hope you can be home soon and adjusting to life as a family of four as seamlessly as possible.

#10 froglett

Posted 22 October 2015 - 12:39 PM

Thank you all :) it's sooo validating that I'm not just being a sook. After my sons birth all I heard was "all that matters is the baby's ok", even though my head wasn't ok.

This time round I'm really actually at peace and *know* we made the right decision to get her out... But we're not having any more children, and I'm quite upset about her and I not experiencing a calmer birth and arrival into the world.

My doula & husband will all have a bit of a debrief. And honestly having our doula and getting DH more involved in the lead up has been a godsend. He's been more understanding and close with me throughout this whole thing.

This time I think he gets it and has been telling me we can just keep talking about it as much as we need.

#11 froglett

Posted 22 October 2015 - 12:41 PM

Oh and I just realised I didn't say, she's doing just fine now. She's still a tiny thing, but feeding like a champ. Going home tomorrow which is really exciting!

#12 Ellie bean

Posted 22 October 2015 - 12:48 PM

Wow what an ordeal. Your maternal instinct saved her life, you should be so proud, that brought tears to my eyes. I think the pps suggestion of trauma counselling is a really good suggestion.

#13 Lou-bags

Posted 22 October 2015 - 12:51 PM

I am crying reading that. How terribly scary for you!

And how amazing and in tune with your little girl you are to know that something wasn't right and to act with such decisiveness. How lucky she is!

You are NOT a sook. Which you know.

I'm also happy to read your DH gets it and has already expressed that he is happy to talk it over often.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

#14 aqualena

Posted 22 October 2015 - 12:57 PM

Froglet, massive congratulations, I am so pleased for you to have a beautiful baby girl!

Do not underestimate your grief and loss for your hopes for a calm delivery. I am not surprised you have baby blues. Continue to talk to us on EB, have your debrief with your doula and DH, whatever it takes to help you process your feelings. Remember that you are at increased risk of PND, so trust your instincts (which you have already shown to be spot on) and see your GP if your baby blues don't go away.

Take care, I'm so pleased you are nearly ready to go home, make sure you have plenty of support going with you!

#15 Guest_canadianmum_*

Posted 22 October 2015 - 01:06 PM

Floods of tears here and a bit too close to home.

I hope you are okay.


#16 a letter to Elise.

Posted 22 October 2015 - 01:07 PM

What a frightening time you've had. No wonder you are feeling shell shocked.

So wonderful to hear she is doing ok, and you can go home soon.

I always found about day 5 to be the day I crashed and burned. When I had my second, I just accepted it was partly hormones, and let myself have a really big cry. It helped!

#17 PrincessPeach

Posted 22 October 2015 - 01:13 PM

View PostIce Queen, on 22 October 2015 - 08:01 AM, said:

Congrats and wow to mothers instinct.  You did so well making big decisions.

The ambos taking you to your dd brought a tear to my eye.


But please speak with a midwife or your doula about how you are feeling. You guys certainly have had a massive few days and I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you are.

#18 froglett

Posted 22 October 2015 - 02:05 PM

Thank you all. I know partly the wave of emotions last night and today are due to hormones, so I'm trying to ride it out a little.

Had a really good blub to mum last night when she visited, so that helped. Just a bad/scary dream this morning that I think has compounded how I feel.

I've got a great GP too (she got the discharge papers from the first hospital that didn't say much so she called me last night to see how I was), so will be sure to talk to her if this lingers too long.

Getting it written down has helped too :)

#19 SophieBear

Posted 22 October 2015 - 02:34 PM

Wow froglett, what a scary ride you had but what an amazing outcome.

I have to admit, I had a cry reading your story. I am so glad you and your baby are well. Hopefully you can be at peace with your birth and be proud of yourself.

#20 Natttmumm

Posted 22 October 2015 - 03:16 PM

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter OP.

Was a traumatic time for you all but sounds like you had the best care available  -  hats off the hospital staff and your instincts that something was wrong. I think it takes time to process what happened and appreciate how lucky it is things turned out well.

We had a similar experience but different reasons - I still feel sad and strange when I think back how it all panned out - almost like it didn't really happen. I focus on how incredibly lucky we are that our DS made it to us safely. I still cry when I think to how it could have been so different.

Enjoy those first few precious weeks with your bub.

Edited by Natttmumm, 22 October 2015 - 03:17 PM.

#21 Soontobegran

Posted 22 October 2015 - 03:22 PM

Congratulations on your little girl.
You have a scary but wonderful story to tell as you have acted on your instincts and saved your little girl.

This of course will  not diminish your disappointment about the mode of delivery nor should you just be grateful and suck it up.
You need to talk and to write it down. These experiences are life altering and it can weigh heavily for a long time. Please get help if you feel you are getting overwhelmed by it all.
Do not listen to anyone who does not validate your feelings....there will be many I am sure.

#22 boatiebabe

Posted 22 October 2015 - 03:31 PM

Oh wow! I am in tears reading your story.

Congratulations on your little girl!!!

So happy to hear she is doing well.

It's okay to mourn the loss of the experience you were expecting. And I think any reasonable person would be traumatised by the turn of events. Make sure you don't get shut down by anyone and seek professional counselling if you need to.

I'm also in tears to read that your health care providers were so supportive of you - that's so lovely to hear as so often you hear the opposite.

#23 Caribou

Posted 22 October 2015 - 03:39 PM

Hi OP,

I'm so glad you and your little girl ended up ok. I am sorry it was a bit of a scary birth. I can relate to this. One of the biggest things that bothered me was everyone saying "All that matters is that she's ok."
Well, no, it's a bit more than that. of course you're glad she's going well and alive, but the emotions, feelings that come with it? it's hard. You're allowed to cry, feel sad, disappointed, relieved, scared what it could have been, grateful all at once. you're allowed to even feel a little mad that it didn't go perfectly.

I remember clearly when DD's movements slowed. I was too in a bit of denial, frankly, it was likely a good thing I was in hospital overnight when everything fell apart. I spent many nights before the hospital stay freaking out about her lack of movements. everyone said she was fine. she wasn't. but in the end she made it. I'd built up in my head I would have a good birth. I was still gunning for that. even right up to theatre for the CS I was still expecting a VB.

Be kind to yourself OP, have a debrief, and see a counsellor, it really helps to talk these things out. even if you're repeating yourself to the counsellor, what matters is at the end of the session you get your feelings validated and understood.

Best of luck with everything OP, and don't be afraid to cry, talk to the nurses, I am sure they'll listen and have a chat if you need it.

#24 Madeline's Mum

Posted 22 October 2015 - 03:53 PM

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your daughter.

I'm sorry you didn't get the birth that you wanted and had been preparing yourself for, I know you must be disappointed.

Amazing mother instincts, you saved her life and you should be really proud of yourself for acting on your instincts x

#25 *maddierose*

Posted 26 October 2015 - 08:33 PM

Froglett how are you going now?

I had a similar birthing experience 12 weeks ago and am still coming to terms with it. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. I out a post up in pregnancy tips and questions about trusting your instincts, I'm so glad you did.

my story.

i was 34-35 weeks depending which ultrasound I went by.
I felt reduced movement and although he had been a quite bub since 28ish weeks he became even quieter over the weekend.
I thought I was over reacting though and when I felt a bit of movement I reassured myself all was ok.
After work on Tuesday I called my midwife as I just felt uneasy and like something was wrong. She got me in for monitoring.
I arrived at 4pm and straight onto the trace, nice heart beat but no movement so I drank iced water and got a few movements but during movement his heartbeat went down instead of up (decels)
I had a few contractions I didn't feel and during these his heart rate dropped into the 50's and alarms started ringing. (This happened several times)
My midwife suggested calling my husband (who was on his way home from being away with work) and explained what was happening. Drs and nurses came back and forth from everywhere.
At first they said they needed to deliver now whilst he was still alive and I could have an epidural so dh could be there.
My friend arrived to wait with me until dh could get there and they got me ready.
Decels got worse and were taking too long to recover,  suddenly there were  drs and midwives everywhere rushing around and as they pushed me to theatre they were explaining things needed to happen quickly to get my baby out alive and I needed to be asleep there was no time for an epidural, Dh arrived right as I was going into theatre.
Laying on the operating table there were people everywhere, I was shaking and confused. Things had gone so wrong so quickly.
Anyhow Noah arrived safely at 6:15pm and was taken straight to special care where dh stayed with him.
They took me into see him after I was out of recovery but I couldn't get close enough to the humidicrib from the bed I was on.
I didn't get to see him until I was wheeled around at 10am the next day.
Noah spent 2 weeks in NICU, he was a tiny 1.8kgs born.

They sent my placenta off for testing and I recieved those results last week. I had a bacterial infection in my placenta.

Sorry this is so long, I copied and pasted from an earlier thread I had.

Please take care of yourself, I struggled in the first few weeks, just because of how it all happened, I struggled with having a CS when I had planned a waterbirth.

Edited by *maddierose*, 26 October 2015 - 08:36 PM.

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