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Posted 26 October 2015 - 10:40 PM
So turns out I'm 6 weeks pregnant. Even though I was on birth control, guess I screwed it up. I'm only 20 years old, about the finish my qualification in mental health and I live with my boyfriend who Iv been with for just a year. I am terrified. I want this baby now that its inside me and I just can't give him/her up or terminate but I feel like my boyfriend is going to be very very upset when I tell him. He made it very clear that he doesn't want kids yet and that he has so many things he wants to do before kids. He's studying his final year at uni and we both work in a bar and earn about $950 - $1000 a fortnight each. I think he will stay with me but he's gonna react badly I fear and I feel terrible. I was taking birth control to avoid this OBVIOUSLY. How will we cope with a baby ! Financially and emotionally. What if he can't cope? How do I even tell him. We live together in a town house with two other housemates( his brother and his brothers girlfriend) so we share rent but a baby means we will have to move out. This is insane. Am I too young to be a mother. I love this baby already I even smiles when the test came back positive ... Before I realised the ramifications of this new life coming into our life.... How will we afford to have this baby ! How do other young mums do it ! What will my mother think ! Help guys I need some serious advice and encourgament.
Posted 26 October 2015 - 10:51 PM
Ok deep breaths. First, you were on birth control. It is 99% effective (if used correctly). There is always going to be someone in that 1%. As an adult having sex, even with birth control, you need to accept there is always a small chance conception can occur. Not much use saying it now, but if he was so against the idea of kids perhaps he should have used condoms too. But that's not very helpful.
It sounds like you really want this baby. There is never really a 'right time' from what I hear, obviously it would be better if you were in a better financial situation but people cope. At least if you're about to finish your qualification you could apply for jobs after maternity leave? A child doesn't have to mean the end of the world.
As for his reaction, he may freak out, panic, have a crappy reaction when you tell him. But after it sinks in, you never know he may be as happy as you. Just don't let him pressure you into anything you don't want to do.
I wish you all the best ν ½νΈ xx
Posted 26 October 2015 - 11:29 PM
Congratulations! You're going to be a Mum! Welcome to the club! I had to say that first, because there will probably be people who will bum you out and not share your happiness at this new and exciting life stage you are beginning.
I was also a young Mum. I had my first at 19 and my boyfriend was shocked as well. He asked me what I thought we should do, and when I said I wanted to "keep it", he swore, walked away around the corner, (I heard stomping, he may or may not have punched a wall) and came back a couple minutes later, calmer and ready to tell me what he thought.
Long story short, we found a way to do it together. Everything bubby needed was bought second hand, given to us or layby. There are substantial funds available from Centrelink for low income parents. The two of you could look at the estimates online if you're worried about the finances.
As for how your parents will react: Meh...you've been living with yr boyfriend for a while. They've most likely thought about this possibility already. If they're disappointed, they'll get over it. Grandchildren are awesome.
I suspect you will feel infinitely better once everyone has been told and the initial stress has died down. Then you can really get into the excitement of it all.
Again, Congratulations. You're going to do great. xox
Posted 27 October 2015 - 06:38 PM
I'm going to congratulate you because a wonderful thing has happened to you. It's unexpected, it's going to be hard, there'll be really tough times, but you're also going to experience the greatest love of your life.
Don't feel terrible. You tried to avoid pregnancy, and DP should have considered condoms. It takes two to make a baby, so this isn't squarely on your shoulders.
The only thing to do now is to sit down together and talk. If he needs some time to process, give him that. Then you need to make some plans for the future.
Some practical stuff:
Are you taking folate or some other pregnancy vitamins? Have you been to the GP for a check up and referral to hospital/birth centre? You might think it's too early, but birth centres fill up fast.
As soon as you're ready to tell people, ask anyone you know who's had a baby in the last few years if you can borrow/have their baby stuff. This makes it so much cheaper. Don't get sucked in by brand new cute stuff. They grow out of it really fast.
Stay calm and get organised, OP. This baby is going to be loved and cared for. You just need to tough out the next few years.
Edited by Gullygirl, 27 October 2015 - 06:39 PM.
Posted 27 October 2015 - 10:01 PM
Congratulations Bravelove! Like a PP said, there's never an ideal time to have a baby - they throw your life into chaos whether you're 20, 30 or 40. But they are also so worth it.
A few words of encouragement: I remember my guide leader commenting on how she had had her children very young and at the time had felt that she might be missing out on the fun times responsibility-free 20-somethings are supposed to have, but when her children were teenagers she realized that she would still be pretty young when they were grown up and ready to leave the nest - only in her early 40s and still able to travel widely, do adventurous stuff, and throw herself into her career for another 20+ years. So you may not fill your dreams on the timeline you expected, but they are not gone for good.
As for how your boyfriend will react, well there's no way to know till you bite the bullet. He may freak out and run. He may rise to the challenge and take to fatherhood like a duck to water. I've seen both happen among my cousins. One cousin who got the girl next door pregnant when they were 18 is still with her, 12 years and 3 kids later. Another cousin had her baby daddy pass on pretty much any involvement, but she has been slowly but steadily working on her goals - worked part time while she figured out what she wanted to do, finished grade 12 externally, now she's doing tafe to get a qual that will both get her better paying and more interesting work and make her eligible to enter the uni course for the profession she's aiming at. She's pretty amazing actually.
Posted 28 October 2015 - 03:44 PM
Believe in YOU. You are an awesome lady, and you are this baby's mother. YOU are the perfect person for this little baby, so have faith that everything will be okay.
Once the shock has worn off, you will find ways of working through the challenges ahead. Little babies don't need much - milk, warm clothes and a place to sleep. As they get older and their needs grow, your capacity will also grow. Your qualification may be finished, your boyfriend will have finished uni, you will both be more mature, you may be earning more, you'll have a better idea of what motherhood is about.
The practical stuff will sort itself out, believe me.
This is going to test your relationship. Either he will step up, or he'll step out. Nothing can change his response. Hopefully he has the maturity and capacity to find the good in this crises situation. If not, then it's unlikely he would have coped with other life challenges in the right way either.
You will cope. Mothers do it every day. One foot in front of the other. It's not rocket science, and they're pretty basic little beings when their first born.
You'll have to bite the bullet and tell him, no doubts. He's got dreams he wanted to achieve - so does everyone. It doesn't mean they go down the toilet just because you guys are bringing a little person into the world. It's just a different trajectory, not the end of the world. He may take time to get his head around that, and I sure hope he does.
You are definitely not to young to become a mother. You sound rational and thoughtful. You are educated. Boyfriend is educated. Your baby will be absolutely fine.
You will afford the baby. Things might be tight at times, but most people have those challenges no matter when they have their kids. You just make it work.
No-one knows your Mum like you do. She might be angry, scared, upset, excited or a mixture of all those things. It will take time for you two, and your families to get used to the idea, but once they do, that will be your new normal.
All the encouragement in the world from me. You will be okay. Breathe. Stop. Sit. Feel. One foot in front of the other and you'll get there.
Posted 28 October 2015 - 03:59 PM
Congratulations OP. I'm sorry that you feel afraid to share the news with your boyfriend. He's just as responsible for a pregnancy as you are. It's just that as women we don't have a choice to face the responsibility. Please don't allow him to make you feel about your pregnancy.
Posted 28 October 2015 - 04:35 PM
Thank you all so much for the replies ! I'm still terrified but your right . I am this baby's mother and I'm gonna try my best to be a good one. I'm gonna tell my boyfriend tonight and I'll let everyone know how it turns out. I have faith in my boyfriend and I have faith that things will turn out okay. no.... I'll make sure it turns out okay one way or another xxxx
Posted 28 October 2015 - 05:32 PM
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
It may help you to know, or not, that most women feel at least some of the things you are feeling no matter there age.
We nearly all worry if we'll be a good mother, if the timing is "right", if we'll be able to afford to raise a baby with all the things it will supposedly need.
The good news is that the overwhelming, vast majority of parents manage. And you will too.
Wishing you all the very best for breaking the news to your boyfriend. Remember that his response and how he feels are all on him, and not you. This is no more your "fault" or responsibility than his. It's ok for him to be shocked and upset. His feelings are valid, whatever they are. BUT that doesn't give him the right to treat you badly, or to blame you.
I hope it goes much better than you imagine!
I also second having a think about where you might like to have this baby. Some options book out very early. I don't know what state you are in, but your health department should have an info page to get you started. Or you could start another post with your state info, and members on here could give you some advice and suggestions.
Edited by Lou-bags, 28 October 2015 - 05:32 PM.
Posted 29 October 2015 - 11:30 AM
Hoping everything went well with your boyfriend, OP βΊ
Don't feel shy about asking lots of questions. There's a huge amount of knowledge to access from all these EBers. I'm a great believer in getting lots of info and being prepared.
Posted 29 October 2015 - 04:33 PM
Okay so last night we went out for drinks with a few of our friends. I wasn't drinking obviously and just said I wasn't feeling very well. He accepted that. We had a great night and he was talking about how he really enjoyed himself and he he prefers a few drinks with friends rather than going out partying and how he feels pretty done with that stage of his life... That gave me hope that he might take the news a little better than I expected. Well I sat him down when we got home and burst into tears and spilled the beans. He went into shock pretty much. Only way I can describe it. I said I was so sorry and I didn't know how this happened as I'm on the pill. He asked if I messed up my pills and I must have but I didn't know how. He was really mad and scared sh*tless. He just had his license suspended and his car needs servicing and he has flights to pay for at xmas, so he is stressing about that. BUT he never said anything about terminating. I think because I told him if this ever happened I would never terminate and I'd raise the child by myself if need be. I asked him if he was going to leave me and if he still loves me and he just cried. He told me he loves me and won't leave me but where gonna struggle like mad and our lives will be terrible pretty much. Which is not what I wanted to hear, nor do I believe it will be terrible. Hard yes and probably very rewarding. I told him he's nearly 26 and we are more than capable of getting through this.
Any advice on how I should handle it from here ? In regards to helping him adjust. I have my first prenatal scan next week and I'm almost excited.... Thanks for your support its been so so helpful ! Xxxx
Posted 29 October 2015 - 06:02 PM
Sounds like it didn't go as badly as it could have. The alcohol might have made him a little emotional too? Give him time to process, maybe without bombarding him with baby stuff, and who knows, he might even get a little excited. Maybe ask him casually if he wants to go to the scan?
Try not to belittle his concerns, and answer any questions calmly. You guys need to have some serious discussions, but you've got a few months to play with, so no need to go super heavy immediately. That said, if he wants to sit down and nut everything out as part of processing, I'd go with that.
How are you going with processing and coping? Do you have people around you for support?
I hope your scan goes swimmingly. Seeing that little heart for the first time is magic βΊ
Posted 29 October 2015 - 06:39 PM
Don't forget you have only just told him. You were likely freaking out initially. Give him some time, as pp said, don't bombard him with baby talk. Just let it sit for a day or two, answer any questions etc. Perhaps visit your GP (if you have a regular one) for a chat.
Posted 29 October 2015 - 06:57 PM
If things dont work out are you prepared to be a single mum ?
Do you have family support ?
These are the 2 big questions i would be asking myself right now.
Posted 29 October 2015 - 11:27 PM
I have my mother who I know when I tell her will initially want to murder me. But she is a very level headed woman and she will make it very clear that she supports me but that this is my baby and I'll do this alone. I sure that's what she is gonna say. If I'm in trouble at any point I know she will be there for me. I have a very supportive 15 year old sister and I have a small but good group of friends who will support me. My boyfriend comes from a very well to do family and I think they will encourage him to stick around and raise his child... My mother will come down on the two of us like a ton of bricks and make sure we're being responsible. For me this is it. Time to grow up. Iv made my bed and now intended to lay in it. Whether that's with my boyfriend( which I think it will) or not. Thank you all for being so concerned and suggesting things that I need to think about. Finances are we're worried about most right now. We're young with casual paying jobs ect. I'll be qualified long before baby comes but I want my boyfriend to continue university to give us a better shot in the future. Xx
P.s I am completely excited to see the scan. I hope all is well in there .
Posted 30 October 2015 - 04:33 AM
Glad to hear you won't be alone, OP.
Maybe you should start a thread on best money saving tips with a newborn. Getting hand me down clothes and toys saved me absolutely heaps. Ask around, it doesn't matter if they're not the right colour for the gender. Babies don't care, anything clean will do.
If you're able to breastfeed, that will save heaps in formula.
I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but later on you should consider having a simple baby shower, as some people will be keen on bringing presents and that will help. That said, don't be disappointed if they don't, but they might ask and then you can suggest practical things (nappies, spew clothes, onesies).
Is there enough time between getting qualified and the birth to take a short term contract to get some money in?
A baby doesn't need new fancy gear, just parents who love them. I think this baby will have that.
Edited by Gullygirl, 30 October 2015 - 04:36 AM.
Posted 30 October 2015 - 11:38 AM
I do plan on breastfeeding if I can( I hope I can) it will be much less expensive. There are a ton of second hand clothe shops around my area and I have a few friends who have had children that I'm sure would be happy to get rid of some of their baby clothes if not for free then at a very cheap prices
I finish my course in December and I'll still only be coming into my second trimester . So some temp or contract work should be definitely possible given that I am physically well and able to do it. I'm sure I will be and I intended to look into it.
Boyfriend has been looking at apartments and houses for rent that we can afford and so far everything is a lil bit out of our price range but if he picks up some more shifts at work and we will hopefully receive some government assistance, then we should be okay .
Posted 30 October 2015 - 11:42 AM
Good luck OP!
Check the centrelink estimators to work out what benefits you will be entitled to. Family Tax Benefit A and B should help a bit.
Posted 30 October 2015 - 12:02 PM
There isn't any reason I can see that you need to move out immediately. If your flat mates are ok with a baby initially in sharing a house I'd take the opportunity to save your $$$ until you have the baby and might take the strain off a bit.
You'll most likely be eligible for government assistance in terms of family tax benefits.
Edited by ~river song~, 30 October 2015 - 12:03 PM.
Posted 30 October 2015 - 04:16 PM
You've got a level head on your shoulders, you really will be fine. Your Mum sounds awesome, it sounds like she'll have your back. Both you and your boyfriend are definitely well on track to creating your careers... your baby will be fine. Things are often a struggle for most people in the early years but life changes - money improves, assets are acquired, children grow up.... it all pans out.
My brother and his girlfriend fell pregnant unexpectedly when he was finishing his Uni degree. They were mortified. They decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Their son was born with an intellectual disability (that they didn't know about until he was older). They struggled for years while Pat finished his studies and tried to find his feet in the world. Their son is about to turn 18, they also have a 14 year old daughter and they've just built a brand new house. They have since married and are very happy together - despite the challenges and that unexpected pregnancy. Life is good!
Yours will be too, as all the foundations are there. In years ahead, you'll barely look back on this experience with trauma, as you'll busy raising this child (and perhaps others) and life goes on.
Posted 05 November 2015 - 10:22 PM
Thank you gullygirl ! That's so helpful! I do feel happier this week even though I'm siting next to toilet typing this hahah ( morning sickness lol try 3pm sickness). BF is still getting used to the idea bless him he's stressing about all the financial and social ramifications, which I totally understand. I'm still scared but I'm trying to just be positive.
My mother reacted exactly how I thought she would... She lost it and was very upset but after 3 days she calmed down and promptly told me that if the baby is a boy I should name him after my late father. π π had my scan and everything seems fine ... Something just came over me when I saw the little jellybean floating around in the ultrasound and I burst into tears, happy tears it was very emotional. And just between us girls ... I thought I saw a tar in BF eye hehe xxx thank you all so much for the support !
Posted 06 November 2015 - 04:41 AM
That is so lovely, Bravelove. You're all going to be just fine.
I also was sick more in the afternoons. I lived on bland carbs, especially saladas. Peppermints helped as well.
Are you going to find out the gender?
Posted 06 November 2015 - 05:09 PM
I don't know if I'll find out the gender yet π I think I kinda like the idea of a surprise.. Since this lil baby was a surprise!
Posted 06 November 2015 - 05:24 PM
So pleased to see yesterday's update. It will take a while for you all to get used to your new situation. That's why we are pregnant for so long !! Good luck xxx
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