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IVF and picking a gender? **SENSITIVE and mentions MMC**

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#76 Carrie_zmatik

Posted 29 October 2015 - 12:23 PM

View PostFright bat, on 29 October 2015 - 04:18 AM, said:

It makes people uncomfortable because preferring one gender to another is discriminatory behaviour. It is a cause of terminations and infanticide all over the world. And can be a cause of significant mental health issues for those who cannot 'just have another baby'. And is a source of childhood sorrow for many children who were not the 'preferred gender', because of course kids can tell.

Preferring one gender over another is like preferring a smart kid over a dumb one, or a heterosexual child over a gay one, or preferring a light skinned child to a dark skinned one, or a pretty child to an ugly one. These are all things a child cannot help, and choosing to be a parent is choosing to partake in the genetic roulette wheel that is making a baby.

I think preferring one thing over another is not ideal but probably human nature - but being so incredibly disappointed about it that you cannot rest until you rectify the 'problem' (that 'problem' being a beautiful human that you chose to make that has no control about the features they were born with) except with ANOTHER child - I cannot accept that as a society we would ever accept this as normal or acceptable. I would argue that that as a society we should always consider this to be pathological, and the onlg acceptable resolution is to advocate love and acceptance of both genders. To do any less is failing our children.

I can't 'like' this post enough! Beautifully said! I totally agree!

#77 OnlyYou

Posted 29 October 2015 - 12:44 PM

View PostCarrie_zmatik, on 29 October 2015 - 12:23 PM, said:

I can't 'like' this post enough! Beautifully said! I totally agree!

I agree. A like isn't quite enough for this post.

#78 Froyohoho

Posted 29 October 2015 - 03:25 PM

Consideration is a 2 way street.

#79 Fright bat

Posted 29 October 2015 - 03:50 PM

View PostOwliegirl, on 29 October 2015 - 08:42 AM, said:

Let's be clear: it is completely acceptable for people to have GD. Just as it is completely acceptable for women to go through PND

OG, are you being deliberately obtuse?

Of course gender disappointment exists. I never said it didn't, indeed I wrote quite a long post about it. What I am saying is that it is pathological, just as PND is pathological.

And the solution should not be 'if you are sad you don't have a child of x gender, just have a child of the correct gender' just as (trigger warning for MHI) the proposed solution for PND should not be "if you hate your life then end it".

'Obvious solutions' are rarely good or healthy for either the individual or society. I refuse to normalize gender selection.

I know this is a personal issue for you, but no one is saying that you are a bad person or anything like that. Just that your 'solution' is offensive and dangerous as general policy.

Even if a person was planning another pregnancy anyway, I think the healthier response is to seek help and explore their feelings about the depth of their gender preference before having another child.

#80 robhat

Posted 29 October 2015 - 03:56 PM

OK OP. I get it. You want to give your kids the chance of a lovely big family and you want to cover all bases to make sure their family has girls and boys of all sorts etc. What I think you need to try to accept is that it isn't within your power to give them that.

I too would love for my kids to have a wonderful family but for reasons beyond my control, I don't have any contact with my family and DH's family have all moved overseas taking my kid's only cousins with them. I've managed to have a boy and a girl, but so far not having any success with having a 3rd. I'm also well aware that despite my best efforts my son and daughter may only have each other when they are older and that there is no guarantee either of them will have kids or live near each other etc. You cannot create perfect families. You can only create the family you have and love it to bits and hope for the best.

I think you also need to understand that awful as some of your experiences have been, IVF isn't the solution. I have friends who have been through it. They've had way more miscarriages than anyone else I know. It won't prevent the miscarriages. It won't give you any guarantee of another child at all.

I think you need to decide if you want more children, and if you do, try naturally first. Find a doctor and talk about the issues that concern you. Accept what life gives you.

#81 Numpty

Posted 29 October 2015 - 04:03 PM


Edited by CrapCakes, 01 November 2015 - 11:21 AM.

#82 Soontobegran

Posted 29 October 2015 - 04:55 PM

View PostOwliegirl, on 29 October 2015 - 04:37 PM, said:

  It's bloody offensive to equate someone wanting a baby to suicide.

Someone with GD who have a baby is nothing like a suicidal person committing suicide. Nothing. Acting as if someone who wants a baby of a certain gender is on the same level as someone who is having life ending thought processes just proves you do not understand anything about gender disappointment. Nothing.

OG there is no one size fits all PND and no one size fits all GD.

You are quite wrong in assuming that to some people not having the sex of the child they are yearning for will not be suicidal because of it.

What I am sure FB is saying.... which you are missing is that having that baby of the gender you yearn for by whatever means you choose is NOT an acknowledged treatment for someone experiencing severe GD.
It may work for some, it certainly doesn't work for others.

#83 Froyohoho

Posted 29 October 2015 - 05:06 PM

OG there are a number of very difficult and painful situations covered by different viewpoints posted in this thread. The harder you push one particular barrow the more likely you are to ride roughshod over other paths.

#84 lucky 2

Posted 29 October 2015 - 05:35 PM

This topic has been the subject of more than one report in the short time it has been active.
It has been closed to allow for review and possible editing, it may or may not be reopened post review.



#85 Chelli

Posted 29 October 2015 - 07:16 PM

This has been reviewed and will be reopened. However, personal attacks are not allowed and if continued, will result in the thread being permanently closed.


#86 c.sanders

Posted 03 November 2015 - 01:00 AM

Thanks everyone. This has given me a lot to think know about. Going to counselling after the mmc made me realize that I need to be in control especially when I am scared. so I think this is another thing I want to be in control of if that makes sense.

I want 1 more child. Not because I think it's going to fix my marriage..it will probably make it worse but because that's what feels right to me. Having 2 boys has been the best experience in my life, not only how they interact with me but seeing their relationship develop. It is the most magical and special thing to watch and I feel privileged.

#87 jules095

Posted 03 November 2015 - 05:51 PM

Glad I missed this discussion when it was in full flight.

Firstly, how offensive to post something in a forum, where people don't care for a gender, just a baby.

Secondly, I wish people would take notice of where they are posting. This forum has rules re sigs & I'm disgusted that mods have posted and edited the threat, yet let sigs remain and also let a thread like this remain in the AC forum.

And thirdly, whether you have a barrow to push, remember that people who post in the AC forum, do it away from people like YOU. They are here for sanctuary, so if you don't belong, then stay out.

#88 ~Mintie~

Posted 04 November 2015 - 07:42 AM

This post was not originally posted in the AC section, hence why there was numerous siggies in the posts. It was moved into here by another moderator without my knowledge.

I agree that this is not where this topic belongs, I have moved it to Parents seeking AC, though I still do not feel it is entirely appropriate here either. I will have further discussion regarding this with other moderators and Admin.

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