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A letter to Santa from a typical toddler.

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#1 Kylie Orr

Posted 08 December 2015 - 01:31 PM

Dear Santa,

Look, I’m writing to you to appeal to your reasonable side. I think I’ve been pretty nice but my folks might have other ideas. They could possibly be leaning towards nominating me for the naughty list.

I’ve learned to walk this year, so it’s only natural to explore, am I right? And it’s surely my job to climb into small spaces and get myself stuck so it gives my parents something to do.

I can’t see how that’s naughty.

Part of the brilliance of exploration is the ability to touch stuff.  My parents aren’t so enamoured by my tactile needs, especially when it comes to their favourite drawer of important papers which I love to pull out and practise my penmanship on. Maybe you could pop a drawer of my own in the Christmas stocking?

Yeah, you’re right. What fun would that be?

Speaking of things to pull out, let’s talk electrical cords. Why in Santa’s name do they stick these things right where we can reach them and then expect us not to yank on them? It’s clear that common sense isn’t that common amongst the adults, hey?

While we are on the topic of electricity, I’ll venture on to light switches. Again, asking for trouble. These are inbuilt toys made for toddlers. Look! It flicks on, it flicks off, it flicks on, it flicks off. Marvellous fun! We are supposed to keep our curious fingers off them? Ludicrous.

When you think about it, the house is like an adventure playground / obstacle course for us yet we are at constant risk of hitting the naughty list just by discovering the joys. That’s got to be a set-up, Santa.

Then there’s the toilet bowl which is ripe and ready for things to be tossed into. A pool for teddy. Hooray!

Add to that the toilet paper where if you time it right, you can unravel the whole roll before anyone notices. If you’re super clever, after you unroll it, you can stuff it down the teddy pool and press the magic buttons on top that take the paper away. Sometimes you have to press the button a few times before it’ll suck down all that paper, which might attract some attention. Be warned.

Now I’m giving away all my secrets, Santa. Anyway, I’m telling you these things so you know I’m not going out of my way to be naughty. It’s called being “spirited” which is exactly what Christmas is about, is it not?

So in the spirit of Christmas, here’s a short list of things I would like (I’ve been very restrained):
  • A bowl of my own that is full of dog food so I don’t have to share with Banjo
  • Some eyeglasses that I can bend and stretch and reach for the stars with (Mummy doesn’t appreciate it when I zoom hers around the house and then stretch them across my tummy)
  • An iPhone. I’m really sick of having to share one with Mummy. She’s terrible at taking turns.
  • A rubbish bin with one of those flippy lids. Endless hours of filthy fun!
  • I’d be happy with a floor full of fluff that I can pick up and inspect before I consume.
  • Something I can upend. Like a pot plant. The most interesting parts of these toys are usually on the bottom – the adults don’t seem to get that. And the contents look so much more enticing spilt across the floor.
  • A bag of flour. No reason.
If you think I have no case for the nice list, I can handle it.

I’ll go back to my adventure playground and find some other toys to play with. There’s always slamming the cupboard doors and emptying the plastics drawer.

If I have definitely made the naughty list, let me just say one thing, Santa: IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Merry Christmas.


A typical toddler.

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