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Moving overseas...without the kids!

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#1 Lollo

Posted 04 February 2016 - 05:45 AM

Hello everyone, I am new.
I would like to hear your opinions regarding my topic.
I am a 42 yrs old male, father of a 14 yrs old boy and a 11 yrs old girl. After a difficult 10 yrs of marriage which I paid the high price of emotional challenges, we decided 5 yrs ago to split.

I moved to Canada when I was 20 yrs old, I am from Italy. Many reasons pushed me to make the move but deep inside I had no plans to die here, I just convinced myself to stay. However, today after the divorced I see my kids 5-7 times a month.
The mother (to be polite) managed indirectly to, not just during the marriage, make me look to my kids' s eyes a useless, ignorant, immigrant italian. ( I have decided which one puss me off more, the italian or the immigrant). Lets leave any further comments alone.....
I have so much hate toward the mother that is impossible to express but I did forgive her. My kids knows.
My daughter and I have a very special relationship, my son choose to be like the mother and is keeping the distance from me. I love them the same.
I give and gave what I could to my kids, we did also traveled to Italy many time and they seems to love it but today I got to a point that I do not want to be here anymore. It time to go back, I am not running away. As been to long already. I just want to go back, be free, be happy, be a better father

The kids do know my story and not because they asked, is because I told them, they know I never made Canada home opr called home they know...

Is it wrong to leave? Is it wrong to follow my dream, happiness, self esteem?  I have not regrets and like 19 yrs ago nobody know what is going to happen if I move away.
I do know the answer already, I can follow the guilt and be unhappy, put up a mask and go on or follow the desire. Overall is my life.

Thank you for listening.

#2 DadTo3

Posted 15 November 2017 - 10:46 AM

Personally I would wait until the kids are out of school. Although you are fortunate in that your kids are adolescents and able to understanding what's going on, I feel missing this stage of their lives might negatively affect them?

I sympathize with you, but you're not talking about a small move here, or a "Daddy will see you as often as he can" situation. And is there much chance of them popping over during school holidays very often? If not, would a couple more years really make a difference to you?

But hey, I get why you've had it and why you want out. It doesn't help to have that constant contact with someone you loathe. Mine did everything - false abuse claims (all thrown), fony DVO (thrown out), multiple child abuse claims, ALL to get more of the kids and, as I later learned, more of the house. ALL were discounted and 50/50 split of each was the outcome. So YES I loathe the evil devil spawn and hate living in the same town and just generally having to communicate with it,but I love my kids and that's what keeps me here. For now at least.

I digress. I get your motivations and if you can't wait, at least make an effort to be there for birthdays,graduations, seeing them at Christmas etc, it would mean a lot to them.

#3 nup

Posted 15 November 2017 - 11:03 AM

Your children are still your responsibility. How do you intend to maintain the relationships from another country? Weekend access visits aren't as simple. I think you need to be an adult and find happiness inside yourself rather than running "home". Home is where we make it/where the heart is. Trite I know but you've said you have forgiven your ex but still hate her. That's enough to eat away at anybody's happiness. Her opinion of you is no longer your business but your children and their attachment to you is.

Geography isn't the issue from what you have posted, it's normal to want to retreat from the difficult aspects of life, but part of having children is modelling endurance, resilience, commitment and love. If you can do that from another country effectively then great, if not then admit that your son's feelings are valid and he has well justified reasons for his feelings rather than blame your broken relationship with your ex.

#4 teaspoon

Posted 15 November 2017 - 11:16 AM

View PostLollo, on 04 February 2016 - 05:45 AM, said:

Is it wrong to leave?

Yes, it is wrong to leave your children while they are still children.

Raising, caring, supporting and loving your children is your responsibility. It's your most important job.

My son's father has chosen to live overseas for years and sends my son occasional emails professing how much he loves him.

With no support provided (practical, emotional, or financial), no guidance given, no memories being made, and no shared experiences to draw from, the emails are just empty words that mean nothing.

Be a better man.

#5 steppy

Posted 15 November 2017 - 11:23 AM

I think it is sad for you and your daughter. I would probably wait 3 more years until she is 14 and then see how she feels. They change a lot as teenagers - she may not want to see you so much or she may want to come with you, and at that age a court may listen to her desires.

If you did go, what kind of access arrangements would you be able to make? Would she be able to spend significant blocks of time with you once or twice a year? Would you be able to return to spend significant time with her? That would be a big consideration in a move like this.

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