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#26 Wahwah

Posted 07 May 2016 - 05:45 PM

Oh dear, please don't dwell on this type of thing.

You will meet countless parents in the next 10 years who have different opinions to you about many, many things. You don't have to justify your choices to them and likewise they may make choices you don't agree with.

I have two really good friends I have met through school. We don't agree about contact sport. We don't agree about homework. We don't agree about what our kids are allowed to watch on tv. We don't have to be comfortable with each other's choices, just our own.

The only time when its a bit annoying is those parents who think there is only one way, and that their way is right/better/more wholesome/etc. And then you just smile and walk away. No need to engage.

#27 RynandStompy

Posted 07 May 2016 - 07:34 PM

View PostAurora_Jane, on 07 May 2016 - 05:29 PM, said:

Ladies you're all right in what you're saying and thank you, I'm just worried about it being awkward now. Of course I'll be friendly and polite but I'm afraid I don't really want to associate with her outside of school. Hopefully DD4 won't ask!

DD is 4. If she asks, so what? Just say, "not at the moment, we're all a bit busy" and leave it at that.

#28 OnlyYou

Posted 07 May 2016 - 08:04 PM

Op forgive me if I'm way off base but you actually sound like you're having a few issues with anxiety.
I only say this as I recognise in myself that when I get wound up and cant stop stressing /overthinking about a situation that its often not the situation itself its an expression of my anxiety not being under control. Do you worry a lot about things/people in general?

#29 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 10:19 PM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:14 AM.


#30 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 10:20 PM

View PostWahwah, on 07 May 2016 - 05:45 PM, said:

Oh dear, please don't dwell on this type of thing.

You will meet countless parents in the next 10 years who have different opinions to you about many, many things. You don't have to justify your choices to them and likewise they may make choices you don't agree with.

I have two really good friends I have met through school. We don't agree about contact sport. We don't agree about homework. We don't agree about what our kids are allowed to watch on tv. We don't have to be comfortable with each other's choices, just our own.

The only time when its a bit annoying is those parents who think there is only one way, and that their way is right/better/more wholesome/etc. And then you just smile and walk away. No need to engage.

I seem to encounter countless mums who think there way is better...

#31 marple

Posted 07 May 2016 - 10:41 PM

I must live in a great area or I just ignore comments that other people take notice of.. I have been a mum for over 21 years and I would be hard pressed to think of comments about my parenting ability by anyone ( except my x mil and one (! ) mum about the  state of my house). Thats it .

PP's are people actually making comments to your face? About your parenting? It seems so strange .

Just ignore this woman OP if she is causing you dramas,but you would be unlucky to strike another one, so that's a good thing.

#32 MooGuru

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:12 PM

Quote


PP's are people actually making comments to your face? About your parenting? It seems so strange .

I got quite a few comments from DH's family and extended circle pushing for me to just leave DS to cry it out and that I needed to get him into a routine (first came when he was 3 days old and we were struggling with BF). It wasn't unexpected though, I almost congratulated them for holding out that long!

On one occasion at the park two mothers with children a similar age were making some disparaging remarks about helicopter parenting and children needing independence to learn etc. I felt it was directed at me, but it could have been paranoia because I was feeling negatively about DS not being able to play independently when he so obviously wanted to do what the other little ones were. Haha they did shut up when I removed his hat to reveal the big craniotomy scar though! So maybe it wasn't all paranoia on my behalf :)

A friend was given 7 copies of the book Save Our Sleep within a couple of months with "you have got to try this!" implorings attached , so not direct conversation but she felt like people were telling her she was doing it wrong.

#33 libbylu

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:17 PM

Feeling like you are being judged really sucks. You do develop thicker skin after a while.  Now when someone is going on about something I don't agree with, I just say, "Oh well, everyone is different" and move the conversation on.
I've had a few uncomfortable moments with other parents. It does feel yuk for a while but I just generally try to avoid them for a week or two and then smile and pretend it never happened. People are weird and noone is perfect. Ultimately she is not a family member, there is no need to have much to do with her, so try to forget about it if you can. Nothing to be gained by dwelling on it.

#34 got my tinsel on

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:22 PM

Quote

Ok so I should have left it I know, but I was so mad and I'm just sick to death of all these judgey other mums I've encountered in the 4 years I've had kids. My daughter is the most happy, caring, sweet little person (of course she has her moments) and I feel like I'm constantly have to defend her as people are so critical. I feel like I let these women into my house and my personal life and trust them only for them to act crazy. I just hate confrontation but was pushed too far and lost it.

OP, you really need to calm down.  You're sick to death of all these judgey mums but you seem to be judging your parents' "failure" to involve you in extracurricular activities on your going astray as a teenager.  Teenagers go astray for all sorts of reasons even those whose lives are packed with extracurricular activities.   When I was growing up, after school and weekend sports and activities were pretty much non existant - lots of us managed to stay on the rails and some of us didn't.  I don't think it was a lack of dance, tennis, soccer or netball that had any bearing on how we turned out.

I also don't understand why your are constantly defending your child.  This mum's beef was with the concept of after school activities, not a beef with your child - the two are quite separate.  DH and I made a decision with our DD that she could only do one activity at a time because we wanted her to still have lots of 'down' time.  Some of our friends had different activities for their kids every day of the week.  Their kids, their choice.  Some would query why we didn't enrol DD in more, we would tell them - if they saw our answer as a criticism of them, that was their problem.

You need to stop seeing any opinions that are different to yours as a personal attack on you and your children.  It's not healthy for you and even less so for your children.

#35 F.E.B.E

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:23 PM

It has been said a few times already but I really do cling to the mantra that "people are weird" :lol:

It has really helped me move on and not obsess over weird exchanges I've had with other parents over the years. Maybe the other mum is nasty and judgemental, maybe she's insecure and trying to defend her own choices, who knows?

I'd be polite but try to encourage different friendships for your DD.

And if you feel like sending a text, sleep on it and see if you feel still feel like sending it in the morning!

#36 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:46 PM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:14 AM.


#37 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:49 PM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#38 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:55 PM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#39 Aurora_Jane

Posted 07 May 2016 - 11:58 PM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#40 MooGuru

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:00 AM

View PostAurora_Jane, on 07 May 2016 - 11:55 PM, said:



If you actually asked me why I have to keep defending my child then I would tell you that I've been asked before by this woman and others, why is your DD so happy? Why is your DD so confident? Why does your DD do this and that? FFS get a life.

But isn't being asked that kind of stuff a good thing?
This is a legitimate question as I'll often comment on what I view as positive attributes such as confidence. I've never considered someone might think I meant it negatively. Now I'm worried about who I have potentially offended.

#41 Aurora_Jane

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:01 AM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#42 Aurora_Jane

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:02 AM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#43 MooGuru

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:04 AM

View PostAurora_Jane, on 08 May 2016 - 12:01 AM, said:



Not when you're met with raised eyebrows by this particular woman.

Ah ok so it's a vibe thing with her in particular. Phew. For me that is. It doesn't make it better for you. I think I'll stop writing before I dig this hole any deeper!

#44 Aurora_Jane

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:05 AM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:15 AM.


#45 got my tinsel on

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:12 AM

Can't be bothered.

#46 JinksNewton

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:15 AM

View PostAurora_Jane, on 07 May 2016 - 11:49 PM, said:

You sound like you're getting really fired up yourself, where on earth would you get that I've "judged" my parents??? Are you defending your decision to not do extra curricular activities? You sound like the woman I have an issue with.

View PostAurora_Jane, on 07 May 2016 - 02:49 PM, said:

Anyway my daughter does a bit of ballet outside of school and has just started acrobats as she expressed interest in it. I'm all for extra curricular activities as I believe having interests outside school is a good thing especially for girls, to keep them focused in life. I never had that as my parents never did anything with me and once I got to high school was led astray etc.

Second quote answers the first. Also, did you realise you've answered the same post three times?

Someone asking why your daughter is so happy is not attacking you. Someone saying they don't do extra-curricular activities is not your problem. I'm sorry if you had SOS pushed on you when DD was tiny, that definitely isn't ok, but as for the other more recent stuff, you shake it off or realise it's not the attack you seem to think it is.

You can choose to take everything as personal, but honestly you will end up alienating yourself from a lot of people, and it's not a particularly good thing to model for your kids either. I've had to shrug off some stuff that was very definitely personal. Having parents complain to the principal about having a child with ASD, my son, in their child's class was a favourite. I was hurt, but outwardly all I did was just keep being pleasant and now DS is good friends with most of those bigots' kids...annoying the parents in the process, I'm sure.

People say dumb things. It doesn't have to be the end of the world.

And none of the above is me attacking you either. But you have a LOT of school years ahead of you, you need to figure out a way to navigate it happily and with less stress. Not giving a crap about what others think on trivial matters is a good way to do that

#47 nup

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:15 AM

For next week, smile and wave but don't engage. You're talking to your child, talking with the teachers then rushing off to the next thing you have on. Sorry, no time to chat, not sorry. Oh I have a phone call to make!

#48 Aurora_Jane

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:17 AM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:16 AM.


#49 Aurora_Jane

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:20 AM

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Edited by Aurora_Jane, 08 May 2016 - 01:16 AM.


#50 Sancti-claws

Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:23 AM

OP, being a parent is setting yourself up as a target for everyone who is a better parent - or who is feeling judged about their parenting decisions - or a sounding board by any parent who is having their own trepidations...

You can engage or not engage as much as you want to with them.  You can take to heart or Teflon coat as much as you choose.

But there will always be good days - when someone says "OMG how do you deal with that" when your child is melting down and you show how well you do like a boss - and there will be bad days - when someone says "I don't do that" and you feel the knife twisting in your bowel over their interrogation of your practices.

We all have them.  And its okay.

And try to remember that it is possible that they are feeling judged too.

Ok?

Edited by Sancti-mummy, 08 May 2016 - 12:24 AM.





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