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#1 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:00 PM

What do I say to a 40 year old plus friend who doesn't have a stable job, mental history or partner, who wants to get pregnant via donor sperm. She has plenty of love to give but I think she just wants the attention that being pregnant brings.

#2 teaspoon

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:04 PM

Maybe you just say good luck because she wants to have a child? :shrug:

#3 Wolf87

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:14 PM

She doesn't have mental history? What does that mean?

#4 teaspoon

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:16 PM

My point being, anyone with children can be in a stable relationship, gainfully employed with no mental health issues and for everything to go to sh*t in a heartbeat.

Do her circumstances make her less 'deserving' to be a mother?

#5 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:19 PM

Yep, this is what is troubling me. I think it's fantastic to want to bring a child into the world but I want to speak on behalf on that child. I'm a mother to three and I cannot imagine doing this by myself. My husband and I are long term partners with a financially sound background and we still struggle with the whole parenting thing. We are her only consistent friends and I think she would lean on us heavily if she had a bubba...which is fine except we live 2000km away.

#6 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:21 PM

View PostWolf87, on 22 May 2016 - 11:14 PM, said:

She doesn't have mental history? What does that mean?
She has a history of bulimia, anorexia, shoplifting, lying.
Poorly worded post sorry.

#7 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:26 PM

View Postteaspoon, on 22 May 2016 - 11:16 PM, said:

My point being, anyone with children can be in a stable relationship, gainfully employed with no mental health issues and for everything to go to sh*t in a heartbeat.

Do her circumstances make her less 'deserving' to be a mother?

No because she is a fabulous "aunt" to our children but I'm more concerned about the child and his/her future. She would have to be on welfare while he/she is young and she has a history of poor decision making. I would love for this to work but I don't see how it will.

#8 just roses

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:27 PM

You know what? Just support her.

In all likelihood, she won't end up pregnant via sperm donor.

And she may or may not end up pregnant the old fashioned way.

I agree with you in that (from your post) her circumstances are less than ideal. But you can't (and shouldn't) stop her any more than you could stop her from going out and getting pregnant via a one night stand.

Just be her friend. I reckon it's a tough place to be; wanting a child but not in a position to have one.

#9 LUV-MY-KIDS

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:27 PM

So what about all the single parents that parent their kids by a themselves every day.  Just because you can't imagine yourself copying by yourself doesn't mean she won't.

I think if you were a true friend you would wish her good luck.

You may not agree with her choice but it's hers to make.

#10 teaspoon

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:29 PM

View PostFLB78, on 22 May 2016 - 11:19 PM, said:

Yep, this is what is troubling me. I think it's fantastic to want to bring a child into the world but I want to speak on behalf on that child. I'm a mother to three and I cannot imagine doing this by myself. My husband and I are long term partners with a financially sound background and we still struggle with the whole parenting thing. We are her only consistent friends and I think she would lean on us heavily if she had a bubba...which is fine except we live 2000km away.

I'm a mother, too. 40 plus and have been parenting solo for more than 8 years.

Do you feel you deserve the right to speak on behalf of my child?

#11 balancing.act

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:30 PM

You don't have to say anything other than Good Luck.

I know lots of single Mums who are literally SO MUCH BETTER than mothers from a married financially stable household.

I also know kids with single mothers with many issues who are so much more savvy and awesome than kids from externally 'great' households.

I know lots of seemingly perfect households that went to poo in a minute.

It's her choice. Support her how you want. It takes a village and all that....

#12 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:32 PM

Thanks, I feel I need to bite my tongue on this topic with her. My thoughts are really in the long term for the child.

#13 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:39 PM

View Postteaspoon, on 22 May 2016 - 11:29 PM, said:



I'm a mother, too. 40 plus and have been parenting solo for more than 8 years.

Do you feel you deserve the right to speak on behalf of my child?

No I don't by any means and I guess this is the limitations of forums like this. She has truly struggled to get her head above water for years, almost decades. I guess I was after a straight forward answer for a problem that seemed straight forward to me but perhaps not.

I'm not judging any parents at all, I want the best for the child.

#14 just roses

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:48 PM

View PostFLB78, on 22 May 2016 - 11:39 PM, said:

No I don't by any means and I guess this is the limitations of forums like this. She has truly struggled to get her head above water for years, almost decades. I guess I was after a straight forward answer for a problem that seemed straight forward to me but perhaps not.

I'm not judging any parents at all, I want the best for the child.
It's ok to want all kids born into the best environment possible.

But it's not up to you. You don't get a say in this or any other situation. If she asks your advice, you can tell her what your experience has been and how hard you have found it and she can decide what she does with that advice.

This is not your call, though.

#15 FLB78

Posted 22 May 2016 - 11:56 PM

View Postroses99, on 22 May 2016 - 11:48 PM, said:


It's ok to want all kids born into the best environment possible.

But it's not up to you. You don't get a say in this or any other situation. If she asks your advice, you can tell her what your experience has been and how hard you have found it and she can decide what she does with that advice.

This is not your call, though.

No you're right it's not my call by any means.



#16 balancing.act

Posted 23 May 2016 - 12:24 AM

FLB78 - nice work.

Good on your for asking for advice and taking it on board.

I get that it's more personal for you than us, but nice work on trying to ask for external advice and taking it on board without it becoming a competition/judgement game.

I was waiting to see this turn into something nasty but so far, so good.

#17 just roses

Posted 23 May 2016 - 12:35 AM

View Postbalancing.act, on 23 May 2016 - 12:24 AM, said:

FLB78 - nice work.

Good on your for asking for advice and taking it on board.

I get that it's more personal for you than us, but nice work on trying to ask for external advice and taking it on board without it becoming a competition/judgement game.

I was waiting to see this turn into something nasty but so far, so good.
Agreed!

#18 FLB78

Posted 23 May 2016 - 12:43 AM

View Postbalancing.act, on 23 May 2016 - 12:24 AM, said:

FLB78 - nice work.

Good on your for asking for advice and taking it on board.

I get that it's more personal for you than us, but nice work on trying to ask for external advice and taking it on board without it becoming a competition/judgement game.



I was waiting to see this turn into something nasty but so far, so good.

It's a tough topic and yes it is hard to explain the whole situation in a tiny post. I rarely post in these forums by but I really wanted unbiased advice. I admit I'm struggling with accepting the above advice but that's what I now aim to give her...advice...when asked.

#19 c.sanders

Posted 23 May 2016 - 12:44 AM

You know the best mum I know has 4 kids to different fathers,  lives on Centrelink, smokes, etc but she's actually an incredible mum and your circumstances or how stable your life is really doesn't have a bearing on any of it.
Funnily in would say some of the worst mums (I'm not sting they are bad but for the proposes of this point I am using the word worst) I've seen actually have it all but still don't know how to parent or have a relationship with a child. So as others have said, just support her. And I guess...don't judge. Because at the end of the day if she does end up with a child it will be one who loves her unconditionally and won't care about any of the other stuff.

#20 PurpleWitch

Posted 29 May 2016 - 12:01 AM

I get where you are coming from OP.

So many people forget the impact that not having a relationship with the Dad has on the child.

It's all cute and cuddly when they are a baby. But a confused and hormonal teen is something else.

In my job many people talk to me about having children when they really shouldn't. I give them the facts and keep my own opinion out of it.
As hard as that is!

#21 Chocolate Addict

Posted 29 May 2016 - 12:23 AM

Just go along with her and not be so judgemental??

I was months short of 40yo when I found myself pregnant (not planned). I have been single since pregnancy and my child is well mannered, well adjusted etc..

I have never relied on friends, except to ask the occasional question (how to fix nappy rash etc)

I have managed to not have children's services involved and the child is officially 11yo today (Sunday). ;)

I actually tick a lot of the boxes as your friend but without the judgement.




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