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Large age gap?
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Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:09 AM
I am 35 and my husband is 39. I find myself here after I thought we were well and truly 'done' but somehow the cluckiness has built up over the last few months (perhaps that many friends are going back for a third)
Honestly I thought that 35 was a little up there in the age to have another one. But that certainly hasn't stopped some people I know. So has got me thinking that perhaps I am able to have another bub.
One of my concerns is the age gap. My DD is 11 and my DS is 9 (almost 10) is the age gap to big?
Is there anyone out there with a similar age gap? Perhaps can offer some advice?
I guess what I find daunting is that we would be basically starting again.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:16 AM
Sorry no advice, but just wanted to say I don't think there is such thing as a 'too big' age gap - just means different dynamics, but still each sibling relationship has more to do with their respective personalities than age.
I know two 8 year age gaps with siblings that are still very close - the older one in the case where that was a sister almost took on a mothering/protective role and is her little brothers big advocate. My mum had a 12 and 14 year age gap to her brother and sister (she was youngest - my grandparents must have had quite the surprise!), and her big brother took on quite a paternal role and spoiled her rotten, meanwhile she fought like crazy with her sister despite the gap.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:22 AM
Thank you for your reply.
I see what you mean.... There is 10 years between my brother and myself but our sister is right in the middle, she was five when my brother was born. Even with the 10 years between my brother and I, we are still very close.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:27 AM
In my experience 35 is not a 'little up there' for having a baby.
At 31 with DS I was my OB's youngest patient!
I'll be 36 when we TTC for #3 (if DH gets his way and we do have another!).
The age gap is what it is. If you want another go for it.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:30 AM
Thanks Happy Tapper! Im so happy to hear your thoughts, thanks.
I haven't been able to discuss this with any friends yet, as I've always been the one who said she was 'finished with 2' so I am sure they will be shocked.
But as you said if we want another we should go for it.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:33 AM
DH has a 13 year age gap between him and his brother. He was pushed by his mum into a parenting role. Becuase of his interests, being in high school etc he never bonded with little brother until little brother was in his 20s. Don't expect a teenager to be that happy about a preschooler and want to be with them, add homework, dating etc it just doesn't work. Small gaps of say 5 or 6 years are OK but mammoth ones, no.
Another friend had a similar age gap between her and her sister, and that didn't work either.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:39 AM
Lots of big age gaps in my family and we all get on great- 5 years between my bro and I, then 3 years to my sister then another 5 to my next sister. If you want another baby do it- you are unlikely to regret it and your older kids will just dote on them
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:40 AM
My DD is 8 years older than her youngest brother (she's 10 and he's 2). They adore each other to pieces, she is very protective and maternal with him and it's so sweet to watch. My middle child (another son) is 6 years older than my youngest and they get on brilliantly too. I think it may come down to personality more than the age gap though. My first two children are very chilled and easy going- and my youngest is my little hurricane, whirlwind, tornado child. They all balance each other out... most of the time.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:41 AM
My DS1 is about to turn 12, DS2 just turned 9, DS3 is 15mths.
Honestly the large age gap is GREAT!
My older boys are great with their little brother, they love playing with them but know that they need to be more gentle, and that its their responsibility to make sure they keep their stuff out of his reach.
This morning I got DS3 up, he had a feed and as normal he crawled to the end of our bed calling for DS1 to come grab him like he normally does to go play in the lounge
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:43 AM
I was 11 and my brother was 9 when mum and dad had my baby brother. He was planned, but obviously something of an 'afterthought' baby.
It probably helped that my 9 year old brother and I were utterly besotted with our new baby and were very, very, keen to help out.
As he got older, he referred to us as the 'big kids' but definitely saw himself as one of us. I have memories of us as 17, 15 and 6 and little brother being told it was bedtime. 'Well, when do the big kids have to go to bed?' he'd demand.
To be honest, it *was* hard - for him, especially - when he was a teenager and we were adults. I think he really did feel left out and left behind and there were a few really rough years there for all of us, especially my parents.
Now, though, it's great. We're 39, 37 and 28 and I'm closer to my youngest brother. We all get on well, but he and I are in the same industry, working for the same company and see each other a lot. We have a lot in common. He also gets on very well with my husband (they have many shared interests) and sees him very much as a brother as he was only 8 when DH and I first got together.
In all, he was a very good decision and I am so very glad my parents decided to have him. But it is a big deal for parents. Mine were 36 and 42 when he was born and, as I said, those teenage years were harder the second time around.
Edited by roses99, 13 September 2016 - 10:45 AM.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 10:46 AM
As a parent no but as a sibling I was 7 when my brother was born and then 13 when my sister was born - I looked after them FT on the school holidays as my mum had to work and Step father was always away with work.
I had no problems doing it at all and have no problems with my mum and step dad and I had a great life BUT! I would only have a large age gap if I was sure siblings were not required to help as much.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 11:35 AM
Due to my mother remarrying, there are 9 and 11 years between me and my two younger sisters. I remember my mother being upset that the littlest used to call me mum sometimes, but apart from that the age gap wasn't a problem for us. Especially now that we are all 'grown ups' the age difference is really irrelevant. Not too sure if it was a problem for my mother though!
Also, I am 38 and expecting my first, if she can hang in there another 16 weeks or so! I always thought 2 kids and done by 35 but life didn't agree with that plan and here we are.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 11:47 AM
I have 6 children aged 19 to 2 years. The big age gap has worked well for us.
DH and I are self employed so we can work around family life. My babies have got used to lots of people caring for them and are very sociable.
One thing I am very careful about is NOT using my older ones as childcare and if I do need them to mind their sibs for longer then 20 minutes or so I swop internet time or if it is a big day, I buy them something special
There is a little friction at times between the 19 year old and my 17 year old twins but the rest bumble along well.
Edited by canadianmum, 13 September 2016 - 12:18 PM.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 12:14 PM
There is a 12 year age gap between my youngest and oldest and now at 4yo and 16yo I'd say they are the closest of all the siblings. They have a beautiful bond and claim they are best friends
Your kids are old enough to be so involved in the whole pregnancy, I found it to be a big family affair really. Plus the adoring brother and sisters were a MASSIVE help to me!
Posted 13 September 2016 - 12:14 PM
My brother was 10 and I was 7.5 when my sister was born.
Initial novelty factor we were fighting over who got to do things with her.
As we became teens we did not want a toddler interfering with our stuff.
My brother moved overseas before my sister even started high-school. I moved interstate when she was 16.
I was resentful of the fact I often had to babysit my sister meaning I could not do things as a teen.
My sister felt like she was always missing out as a kid. She has chosen to have all her 3 children with no more than a 2.5year age gap. She would not want the big age gap we had. Neither would I.
My brother and I also had our 3 kids with a maximum 2 year gap between kids (so eldest was 4 when youngest was born).
My sister and I had a not very good relationship right up until she was about 22yrs. Now we are great friends though (she is now 34).
My parents found it hard going back to the beginning again. Found it harder being that much older with a teen. Wishing they were "free" to travel and do things 10 years earlier like their friends.
Now as grandparents they are feeling the age. They first became grandparents 12 years ago. My sister is finishing her family now and my parents do not have the energy that had at 60 years in their mid 70s.
Just some lifetime perspectives.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 12:23 PM
I can only rave about how great having a big age gap is. There's 13 years between the youngest and next sibling. The older ones adore him and can help out when needed. I think I'm enjoying him more because I'm not rushing around with 3 under 3 anymore.
Having said that, I don't handle sleep deprivation as well as I did when I was in my 20s.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 12:41 PM
I have a 17 year gap between my second and third.
My older two haven't shown any resentment, and if they are around, they always play with him and have a lot of fun being 'kids' again with him
It really was like starting over again, but I don't have any regrets even though he was a surprise. I find I parent differently in that I'm more relaxed about things, I can get down on the floor and play before tidying up the kitchen.. I know how quickly this time goes and so I want to soak it all up while I can
He does have ASD, but that is not related to an age gap discussion, I just wanted to say that even with the challenges of ASD I wouldn't change things even if I could
Good Luck with your decision
Just wanted to add that my first two have a seven year age gap, and they are great friends even when the eldest was a teen and the second was still in primary school
Edited by More cheese Gromit, 13 September 2016 - 12:48 PM.
Posted 13 September 2016 - 12:43 PM
I can't thank you enough for your advice, stories and perspectives. I really appreciate it. There are so many pros and cons to consider it does my head in.
Many thanks to you all :-)
Posted 13 September 2016 - 09:56 PM
There is nearly a 9year age gap between mine and i find it difficult. My 16year old hates having such a younger sibling. It doesn't help majority of her friends are youngest in their family, that seems to make it worse. My DD see's her brother as an inconvenience.
She was great with him when he was a baby and a toddler but once he hit about 4 and her a teenager it all went down hill.
Posted 14 September 2016 - 06:21 PM
I have exactly four years between my four kids. DD1 who is the eldest will be 14 on Friday and DS2 my youngest who recently turned two.
I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 15 years!!!
Posted 14 September 2016 - 07:02 PM
I have a large gap in my family. I am the oldest. My brother is two years younger and my half brothers are 13 and 14 years younger. I adore all my brothers but it was not easy having toddlers and teenagers together. My youngest brother is still at home as he is studying. He is 23. I am 38 years old. For my mother this is long time to be a parent.
I would never have such a large gap myself.
Posted 14 September 2016 - 08:06 PM
I am 39 with ds11 and dd9. Dd2 is due in 6 weeks. One great thing about it is that the kids are so excited about having a sibling! I think the gap has just made them realise how lucky we are to be having another one. I say go for it.
Posted 14 September 2016 - 09:15 PM
My 2 are 11 year apart (almost to the day). They are the best of friends. I often find the youngest in bed with the oldest, or them snuggled up on the couch together.
Posted 28 December 2016 - 04:16 PM
Hi, my first time on EB since 2009, after my youngest was born and yet - here I am again with hubby and I deciding we 'think' we want to go again. We have been throwing the idea around for a few months (despite me being clucky for the last few years without him knowing) and have decided we are definitely going to go ahead with it. Like you, I am 35 (36 tomorrow actually) and have 2 boys, 8 & 9 years old.
This post was perfect for me as I think I am quite like you - do we want to go back 8 years and 'start it all again'. We planned to have our kids nice and close to 'get it all over nice and quickly'. As much as I love the whole idea, we have reached the point that we can easily go on holidays, ski the entire mountain (we're avid skiers obviously), take the horses out on a family ride etc so I think that was our real only qualm but the fact we are both still clucky (yep, he even admits to the word for himself) after quite a few months and hence the reason we have decided to go for it.
Only issue - getting the mirena out now, ewwwww.
Posted 28 December 2016 - 10:39 PM
I had my son last year at 37 and there was 9 years between him and my next youngest and then 11 years to the oldest. It has been amazing. So much easier than the first two with a two year gap. I highly recommend a big gap.
My only negative is that I do have moments I do miss the freedom that we had with only having older kids.
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