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A difficult journey (faith section)

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#26 Bone Apple Tea

Posted 24 October 2016 - 06:16 PM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 24 October 2016 - 05:45 PM, said:

Ooops tried to post a picture of the scene of Jenny praying to turn into a bird and fly away from Forrest Gump - I can't even do that correctly today... ahh well

it's a powerful scene.  When exh was at his peak in terms of DV, I also prayed I could turn into a bird and fly away.

#27 Gateaugirl

Posted 25 October 2016 - 05:33 AM

Just keep trying, OP, and don't beat yourself up when you feel you've been weak, either. As pps said, you're reacting to years of abusive behaviour, and it's going to take some time for the effects to wear off.

#28 The Little Engine

Posted 25 October 2016 - 09:35 PM

I've had a slightly better day emotionally today - thankfully xh left me alone!  

Going to try and catch up with the church pastor tomorrow to go through a few things.  I was a complete wreck last night - the kids could feel the tension (despite my best efforts to hide it) and acted out :(  

Everything is such a mess - if xh could just act as a reasonable human and stop trying to manipulate everything life would be so much easier.

Keep praying - I can get through this... some days I wish I could just run away - but my family needs me...

#29 Ellie bean

Posted 25 October 2016 - 09:50 PM

You're doing so well, i hope tomorrow is a good day

#30 The Little Engine

Posted 29 October 2016 - 10:14 PM

I survived the week... just!

I'm away for the weekend enjoying some peace with my parents. The kids will stay on for a couple more days but I have to work.  Watching the birds  (mostly beautiful parrots ) and wild kangaroos with joeys hopping down the street - bliss!

I'm trying not to think of the nightmare and mess.that will greet me at home.  It is getting nastier :( :(

#31 mintyfresh

Posted 30 October 2016 - 02:05 AM

You can do it. Glad your parents place was lovely. Keep fighting the good fight.

#32 The Little Engine

Posted 30 October 2016 - 09:09 PM

The lovely feeling didn't last.  I got back tonight - in that time he has rung/messaged what feels like a gazillion times.  Really nasty stuff with financial separation and lawyers -  he wants me to do a private arrangement (totally his figures with him buying me out of the house and giving me a payout) and is refusing to give any figures to my lawyer.    After long disagreements I've hung up on him twice.... argh!

Why is everything so difficult?

Why am I stuck here and have to work tomorrow whilst my kids are away still and my eldest has also rung me in tears several times distraught because I'm not there :( :( :(  It's all just breaking me atm.  (the kids are perfectly safe and with my parents as they have no school tomorrow- I will drive back to see them tomorrow night and then we can all come back Tues)

I just want ONE week where I'm not feeling used, abused and squashed.  One week of peace... one week where there is no nasty talk or pressure.

I didn't sign up for any of this :( :( :(

#33 mintyfresh

Posted 30 October 2016 - 09:23 PM

When he starts talking to you about settlement stuff, direct him to your lawyer and hang up.

"Sorry, my lawyer is the one to talk to about that"

"My lawyer is handling those things"

"I'll have to get you to ask/tell my lawyer that"

Unless it has to do with the kids (day to day stuff like Fresh Start said above), don't talk about it.

Take care.

Edited by mintyfresh, 30 October 2016 - 09:23 PM.

#34 IamzFeralz

Posted 30 October 2016 - 09:28 PM


That is really horrible - I'm so sorry your weekend away ended like that :(

Are you able to call your lawyer, explain what is going on (the pressure to take ex's private figures).  Tell the lawyer that you are being constantly harassed.

Also if you haven't already, tell the lawyer that your ex is a very, very, very difficult man who has a high conflict personality.  Perhaps say that ex has been used to pushing your boundaries down by bullying you and you really don't want to be pushed in this case because you have to provide a family home for the children for the future.

The lawyer may then have some suggestions.  He/she must be used to this sort of thing.

I don't think mediation would be appropriate - mediation is a toothless tiger when it comes to these kind of personalities.

#35 The Little Engine

Posted 30 October 2016 - 09:29 PM

We haven't even managed to get that far yet... he is refusing to supply anything to the lawyer as he is SO sure his way is correct and I'm robbing us both!

He was SO angry I hung up on him - He rang 8 times in the 10 minutes I was on the phone to my son trying to calm him down.

xh has unfortunately shown he is not thinking of the kids and is wanting to have everything go his way.  He wants to go straight to court as the first step if I don't go his way and both go to the same solicitor and me sign over the house to him...

I have to remain strong

I have to try to not let his ranting affect me

Please tell me separation isn't always this difficult? There have to be decent people who think of the kids?????

#36 sueratbag

Posted 30 October 2016 - 09:35 PM

Why is everything so difficult?
Because he's trying to make it difficult. He likes it difficult.

Two thoughts. One is learning some assertiveness skills, like "broken record". Eg "I'm not going to discuss financial matters with you. Speak to my lawyer". (Just repeat what you want to say, in the same words, as often as needed. Argument / discussion / debate will not be entered into. You find those skills in a verbose but otherwise good book my Manuel Smith called "When I say 'no', I feel guilty". Worth a read.)

The other thought is record exactly how often he is calling you. If it looks over the top, and it sounds as if it is, then speak to a court about stalking and a restraining order.

Don't play nice. He isn't nice.

#37 Gateaugirl

Posted 31 October 2016 - 06:23 AM

He's ramping things up because he's lost control, OP.

I like pp's suggestion of getting advice from a lawyer. My feeling is he will screw you over royally if you work things out privately. He is not sensible, caring and he thinks he's a victim.

If I were you, I'd take pictures of your phone's call log, showing how many calls he's made to you. Keep all his messages as well.

I'll be praying for you today. I hope work is a welcome distraction.

#38 Rowenas necklace

Posted 31 October 2016 - 06:37 AM

I'm so sorry, Little Engine.

Can you block his number and tell him to only contact you via email? Set up email filters to stem the flow, and maybe even an autoreply that says "Please address all correspondence to my lawyer on <contact details>.

My thoughts are with you.

#39 The Little Engine

Posted 02 November 2016 - 07:12 PM

Blocking his number etc sounds very tempting - if things don't improve I may not have any choice.

I just want things to be peaceful

I just want to be able to parent the kids to the best of my ability

I just want to be able to go to bed when I'm tired at night and not have to do another 3-4 hours of work because it is SO late by the time I finally get my kids settled.  To go to bed before midnight would be amazing.

I'm praying lots... things have to improve soon!

#40 IamzFeralz

Posted 02 November 2016 - 07:41 PM

Are you still taking his verbal phone calls TLE?

#41 The Little Engine

Posted 02 November 2016 - 08:12 PM

There have only been a few in the last 2 days (thankfully) and I have let them go to message bank then returned the call later.  Nothing too nasty though which has been easier to deal with.

I realised how much I am teetering on the edge when today a colleague at school asked how I was going - I almost burst into tears (SO unlike me)  I apologised and had to walk away for a min.

I guess the fact that I've lost most of my positive spark has really worried me - I have always been able to tackle anything difficult head on and with a very positive attitude - but this has just been going on for so long it is getting more and more difficult.

#42 Gateaugirl

Posted 05 November 2016 - 06:59 PM

Hi OP, I hope your weekend is going ok.

Give yourself a break. You're incredibly strong and brave, but considering all that you're going through, you don't have to feel like wonderwoman all the time. You don't have to hold it together every moment, and it's ok to show people you're vulnerable.

It's ok to feel down, angry, worried, sad, frustrated and overwhelmed. None of these feelings mean that you're doing something wrong, or being a bad Christian, or a bad parent. You're walking a difficult path up a rough mountain and you can't see the peak. But you will. In the meantime, give yourself permission to be human, and congratulate yourself on how far you've come.

I'm wishing you a future of peace, joy, good self-esteem and closeness with God xx

#43 ELF_em_bee

Posted 05 November 2016 - 09:17 PM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 15 October 2016 - 04:02 PM, said:

I have to remember to stop, breathe and to pray for strength and peace.  I CAN get through this.  I CAN come out the other side.  I CAN protect my kids and help them to understand true values and respect.  I AM a loved and cherished child of God.


Yes, you CAN and yes you ARE!  Say it everyday.....

Do you have support locally TLE?  I remember your MIL was supportive at one stage?  Is she available to help you?

I'm praying for you, stay strong TLE.

#44 The Little Engine

Posted 06 November 2016 - 09:53 PM

Yes my Mother In Law is AMAZING - seriously I am SO lucky to have her - she is VERY supportive but still pulls me up at times when she feels I have done the wrong thing (mostly with the kids etc) - She can be blunt but her heart is definitely in the right place.

I think the enormity of the situation is starting to get to me - there is almost no break the relentlessness of the negative tones/behaviour from xh.  This means that the last week or so if it has been 'quiet' I've really felt it- and the last few days I've been really teary over seemingly not much.  SO unlike me...  Today I was feeling the pressure of everything and kids were driving me nuts - so I dragged us all out in the wind to weed - and felt a little better afterwards.

I have to get back to looking for the positive things - little glimmers of things to help me keep going.  I had someone at church get me a new phone cover during the week - when she saw that mine was falling apart.   I also was gifted a family ticket to the circus last week which was an AMAZING treat and night out with the kids.

I am in this journey for the long run now... for the good and the bad... I have to try and keep positive.

I think I can...


#45 sunshine_days

Posted 07 November 2016 - 11:16 AM

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Edited by sunshine_days, 07 November 2016 - 11:17 AM.

#46 sunshine_days

Posted 07 November 2016 - 11:35 AM


We sang this in church on Sunday, l love the lyrics....

Lifted up, he defeated the grave, raised to life, OUr God is able.

In his name, we overcome, For the Lord, our is able.....

If God is able to defeat the grave, then in His name we can overcome anything!!!

Looking at the positive things in life or thanking God for your blessings is also a good thing.

2 Tim 4:17 But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength.

#47 The Little Engine

Posted 13 November 2016 - 10:10 PM

Thank you PP :)

This journey is SO difficult at times - It seems that every time I finally feel like I'm actually taking a step forward then something else happens. This time it's a big mess with Child Support because XH has refuted the claims of the care percentage (I rang recently to change the percentage closer to what the reality is) - He has hit the roof and now I have to provide proof of care and get written and signed statements from close family/friends who have seen where the kids have been etc.

Getting to church today was VERY difficult - we have missed a couple of weeks due to being away and last week had visitors - today my boys REALLY put the breaks on and made things as difficult as possible.  They were just parroting things they have heard about the church by their Dad over the last few years.  ARGH - we eventually got there although Mr11 sulked most of the service...  ahh well.

A busy week this week - a birthday (daughter) and school concert.    Praying this week is a little less stressful - although I have to finish writing up my accounts for Child Support and get reports from people.

#48 Sancti-claws

Posted 13 November 2016 - 10:43 PM

I assume you are keeping a diary, TLE?  You can use your phone logs also to show his level of harassment - I think it is understandable that you try to placate him - it is how you have survived for all of this time in an abusive relationship - but I KNOW you can learn new tools to keep yourself and your children less affected by his puppeteering machinations.

As I said on another thread here this morning, with bullies you have to have the buffer zone of authority - give them an inch and they feel they have complete rights to the whole mile.

#49 Gateaugirl

Posted 15 November 2016 - 05:57 AM

I hope your week goes well, TLE. Your last post sounded like you were feeling more in control.

#50 AmazonBabe

Posted 15 November 2016 - 06:09 AM

Thinking of you xox

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