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Would this worry you?

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#1 Moulla

Posted 31 January 2017 - 04:00 AM

Please don't quote as I may delete later for privacy.

Okay so here's the story.

DH wants to take DS 4.5yo away to camp out for one night and then the next day attend a relay race that DH is participating in with some of his coworkers.

He has become good friends with these guys over the last 2yr of employment together. I've never met them but my husband is a good judge of character.

These men are personable, educated and in job roles of great responsibility. I have never met them.

From home the destination is a 2.5hr+ drive one way and DS is tolerant of long drives so long as he has iPad/DVD player.

DH loves taking him on camping adventures and DS treasures these times together. No problem there.

My issue is that while DH does his part in the relay race, he will leave DS to be cared for by his coworkers. The thought of my little boy being left with some men I've never met makes me feel terribly anxious. My husband is upset i because he feels I don't trust his judge of character. He also said this is one of his great joys of having kids is being able to take them on outdoorsy adventures. He emphasised to me that he would never ever leave our boy with someone he doesn't trust.

Call me paranoid but all my wiring is geared towards protecting my little one and not leaving him in any possible vulnerable situation no matter how safe i am told it is, even by my husband who I respect and love.

So that's one issue.
The second issue is that DS is an anxious child socially. He gets incredibly overwhelmed at kids parties and will only say hello and goodbye to people he's known for months. Preschool
has been am ongoing process with baby steps.  At home he's chatty, confident and plays loads with his sibling. He's also like this with close friends in a familiar environment.
But if he's left alone with these men while daddy races for an hour he's going to freak out. Then DH won't be able to race I guess so I'm wondering what the whole point is! DH is hoping the fact that DS wants to see him racing with help keep him happy and calm.

I'm also worried about if he needs to do a poo or a wee will these guys wipe his bum? They've had kids but are bigger now so they are dads but I don't want them near my sons genitals!

Disclaimer: I have friends who have been abused as kids and I'm paranoid. Counting right now I've got 5 friends off the top of my head...

Disclaimer #2: I'm sure that odds are it will all be fine but there's a very small chance it won't be and I just don't want to risk it.

Please EBers either reassure me or give me some perspective! I just want my little vulnerable boy to stay at home with his mummy all safe.

#2 BadCat

Posted 31 January 2017 - 05:30 AM

No it would not worry me.

I can see where you are coming from but I think you need to trust your partner's judgement.  He knows these people and trusts them.  You've probably left your child with people you know but he doesn't.  It's no different.

#3 Burro

Posted 31 January 2017 - 05:39 AM

I would be ok with that, but if you're not then I think your husband had to respect your feelings. It's not like it's his grandmas 100th birthday or something. Nothing bad will happen if your son doesn't go.

I would probably also ask a 4 year old what they would like to do and be guided by that.

Are there no women at all at this company? Could one of them take your son to the toilet if needed?

If you want reassurance: I think your son is very safe in public and your husband can take him to the toilet before the race. No one should need to be alone with your son in a toilet.

Edited by Burro, 31 January 2017 - 05:41 AM.

#4 Coeur de Lion

Posted 31 January 2017 - 05:41 AM

If I didn't know the co workers myself, I would feel exactly the same way as you. I didn't allow my DD1 on a trip away with DH and his extended family as I didn't know most of the adults there and wasn't sure of the sleeping arrangements etc etc.  

I don't think it's paranoid. I think it's smart. Your DS is still too little to be able to 'protect' himself. Maybe in a couple of years you'll feel differently.

ETA - just reread. In your situation it would depend on the nature of the race. 5 mins with your DS in sight of your DH, yep. An hour without DS in sight? Probably not.

Edited by Coeur de Lion, 31 January 2017 - 05:52 AM.

#5 lulu85

Posted 31 January 2017 - 05:46 AM

i would let them do it. I can understand you being nervous. If it were me, I would be a little worried about my child being anxious but not about him being left with people my husband trusts for a short period.

Is there any opportunity for you and your son to meet some of them briefly before the event? (A pop in to DH's work for a quick coffee or lunch?)

#6 i-candi

Posted 31 January 2017 - 05:54 AM

I would be ok, you have to trust your DH's judgement. I'm sure he would never put your DS in harms way.

Get your DH to take him to the toilet before he goes.

Prep your DS and tell him his daddy won't be there while racing but he will stay with x group and they'll have fun watching together.

I can understand how hard it's for you though.

#7 José

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:00 AM

That wouldn't worry me.
Id leave my DS with coworkers i trust. Id feel comfortable for DH to do the same

Your OP sounds like your DH would stop racing if DS was very distressed?

You can find potential danger in any situation if you look hard enough. I don't see any unacceptable risk here.

#8 lizzzard

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:02 AM

I understand some of your worries but also think it would be a great experience for both your DS and your DH.

Do any of these guys have children of their own, little brothers or nephews? You might well find they are great with your DS and your DS will adore them - this has almost always been the case with my DH's mates!

#9 blimkybill

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:36 AM

I would feel OK about that situation. The race is only an hour and I would expect your DS will be out in public at the event, not back at a hotel, so being out in public is pretty safe. Perhaps you could see if there is some way to meet one or some of the colleagues before the time?part of your worry too is about not the safety but your sons anxiety and ability to cope. I think sometimes we feed Childrens anxiety if we let them know we don't think they will cope with challenges. If he wants to go, he may surprise you with how well he copes. Coping with reasonable challenges builds childrens self esteem and sense of mastery. So an hour watching dad race, and the rest of the time with dad, I would feel is quite reasonable.

#10 lozoodle

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:38 AM

I'd be ok with it, but I can understand your concern.

Trust your DH :)

#11 littleboysmum

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:42 AM

I would probably feel the same as you to be honest. I probably wouldn't be sending at 4. I'm a worrier though.

#12 born.a.girl

Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:52 AM

It wouldn't bother me, and I was obsessive about protecting her.

The only other person in the world I trusted 100% was my husband, and also his judgement.

I'd have had a chat to him about how obsessive I was though (and for good reason), and check with him that he intended to do toileting etc himself beforehand.  Unless your son is entirely unpredictable with his toileting there's little chance of him needing to do a poo during that hour.

#13 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 31 January 2017 - 07:38 AM

While I can understand your reservations I think it is nice that you have an involved partner who wants to spend some Dad time with his son. So many times we read threads on this forum about uninvolved fathers. You might find there will be some other children going to watch as well who will be happy to engage with your son. Hope the race goes well.

#14 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:02 AM

Why can't you invite these friends over before the weekend so that you and your DS can meet them first?  That might help calm your fears.  Just for a casual BBQ or something similar?

While I might have concerns, I do trust my DH and I know he would never knowingly put our children in danger or in an unsafe environment if he had any concerns whatsoever.

#15 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:03 AM

How often and how long has DS been left with strangers in a busy new environment before, and how did he cope?

My DS would have been too stressed and upset to do that if it was for more than 10 minutes. I would basically expect him to be screaming and crying by then.  For an hour, no, he would be too upset.

Any chance he can go camping with dad and then you (or someone DS knows well) come just before the race so DS can watch it with you? That would be my solution if possible.

Edit to remove quote, sorry OP!

Edited by Cheerful Prancer, 31 January 2017 - 08:40 AM.

#16 Tinned asparagus

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:11 AM

It would worry me. Everything worries me. However, I would let DS go as I trust my partner, and on balance it sounds like there would be little to no opportunity for anyone to do anything to your son anyway, if there are a group of them.

I can usually boss my sons into going to the toilet, eg before a drive, so if you impress the importance on that on your DH it's unlikely a toilet trip would be required within an hour?

I find it very difficult sometimes to let our children go and do things, but if I manage to let go, the children have new experiences and I get some practice at coping with anxiety.

#17 Avocado tree

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:15 AM

If it was my eldest son at that age, there is no way he would have coped in the company of strangers without his Dad, and would have made it impossible for DH to race,(making the trip pointless)  so there is no way we would have put him in that situation.  

The potential of something unpleasant to happen to your son, is a whole different thing and it does seem as though he would be safe in that respect.

Only you know your son, and you know how he will react in the situation.

#18 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:20 AM

View PostAvocado tree, on 31 January 2017 - 08:15 AM, said:

Only you know your son, and you know how he will react in the situation.
As does the DH, one would hope.

#19 Morally Bankrupt

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:23 AM

My son is 5 and also shy with strangers. Will he be able to see the race the whole time? If he can I've found that the excitement kind of overruns the nervousness so that stops him from feeling distressed. Are there any other kids going? That also really helps.

My DP does a lot of outdoor stuff with the kids that I find scary and risky. I have to really fight to control my anxiety but I have to let them do it as they all have such a great time and they really enjoy it. I get the leaving him with a stranger fear but if it's someone your DH knows and trusts and it's only an hour I think it should be ok.

The camping race thing does sound like a cool fun event that they will all really enjoy. I'd probably just have to fight my fears and let them go. All the best x

#20 Prioritising Pooks

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:24 AM

I think the risks are relatively low for an hour in a public area with multiple known people. But I'd be saying no if I thought my child wouldn't cope (and mine wouldn't). In an ideal world I'd drive up to join them for the race but I know that may not be possible.

#21 Feraldasherie

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:29 AM

The safety aspect wouldn't concern me, but being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar adults is a lot for a socially anxious 4 yo to cope with.

If your son was older, if he wasn't socially anxious, if he knew the place, if he knew the adults - sure, no problem.

As a PP said, the only one you can really change is making him familiar with your DH's colleagues. Is that a possibility?

#22 Freddie'sMum

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:43 AM

My worry would be that your 4 year old child has anxiety and being left with people he doesn't know would "freak him out".

Our DD#1 has severe anxiety - and at the age of 4 still didn't speak to the carers at her daycare.  She would whisper (with our encouragement) to adult friends of ours that she had known her whole life !

Make it a mission to meet these guys before they all go camping / racing together and make sure you DS meets them too. That way the ice will be broken and you and DS will both be reassured.

(I think your DH sounds great BTW - I am always impressed when a Daddy is involved in his kid's life and wants to include his kids in stuff like camping / racing.  I have so many female friends whose ex-husbands have next to nothing to do with their own kids - sorry, little bit of a rant there)

#23 NinnyMuggins

Posted 31 January 2017 - 08:52 AM

View PostBurro, on 31 January 2017 - 05:39 AM, said:

I would be ok with that, but if you're not then I think your husband had to respect your feelings. It's not like it's his grandmas 100th birthday or something. Nothing bad will happen if your son doesn't go.

I would probably also ask a 4 year old what they would like to do and be guided by that.

Are there no women at all at this company? Could one of them take your son to the toilet if needed?

If you want reassurance: I think your son is very safe in public and your husband can take him to the toilet before the race. No one should need to be alone with your son in a toilet.
You do realise that women can be molesters as well?
I would be more inclined to trust a male my DH has known for awhile, than a woman he may not know as well.

OP talk to your DS and see what he is comfortable with. I understand your trust issues regarding abuse, but sometimes you have to trust your partners decisions.

#24 SeaPrincess

Posted 31 January 2017 - 09:13 AM

It wouldn't bother me. If they're all going to be camping the night before, your DS will meet them ahead of time.

OP, is there any particular reason why you can't go as well, even just to watch the race?

#25 ~Nasty_Jodama~

Posted 31 January 2017 - 09:15 AM

I would be fine with that but I trust my DH 100% and as he would not question me if I did the same thing, it would be hypocritical of me to question his judgement of the same situation.

I think you are overthinking it and should just say sure have a great time and let DH deal with details.

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