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Sex after motherhood
9 replies to this topic
Posted 09 April 2017 - 06:29 AM
My son is now 17 months. When I was pregnant my husband and I were told to abstain due to a difficult pregnancy. After my baby was born, I had a chronic infection, so we were told to abstain for a while again while I was getting treatment (it didn't work)
After that we resumed sex again but always had obstacles. I kept getting cystitis and was hospitalised for five days at some point.
Anyway, at this point, we are having sex two or three times a month. This is how much we used to have sex per week before I got pregnant!
My libido is back but I find myself exhausted. My husband rarely ever asks me for sex anymore. I've confronted him about it and he said that's he's tired. He works from home and helps a lot with our son as well. So I believe him. He's also bothered by my infection. He's worried that he will aggravate it through sex. I've been to 17 doctors so far and it doesn't go away, so I don't know what else to do.
I love him and I think our relationship is good. But it makes me feel worse when I hear how much everyone else is having sex.
Did anyone else have a lull in their sex life post baby? Or am I the only one? How do you fix this?
Posted 09 April 2017 - 07:04 AM
I'd be getting to a specialist to get the infection side of things sorted...17 doctors? That's terrible!
Sex post baby (or 2, or 3) is always going to be different/challenging/exhausting, but you have an added complication.
We found it relatively easy when DS was a tiny bub but that became more difficult when DD came along. Now with #3 due in 5 weeks, it's non existent!
I'd work on your health first. Good luck!
Posted 09 April 2017 - 07:08 AM
I can't offer any info on the after baby part yet, but 2-3 times a month was normal for us even before getting pregnant. Come to think of it, the last time we did it was January and I don't have any pregnancy issues. I can only imagine it will decrease even more after baby with lack of sleep and alone time. Life happens, we all get tired, so we find intimacy in other ways. Things like cuddling on the couch, or taking long showers together. I happen to think you're doing really well!
Posted 09 April 2017 - 08:50 AM
I used to have recurring UTI's pre marriage and babies. This would be over 10yrs ago. They escalated very quickly and I had to get antibiotics straight away.
I was put on a low dose medication (sorry can't remember name) for over 12 months. I have a few infections early on, but stuck with it. Since then I have had less than one a year. They still escalate quickly, but do not reoccur after a single course of antibiotics.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 09:17 AM
I had a third degree year, which meant things had to progress very slowly but I was desperate to renew that part of our relationship. We sometimes go to bed early, or DTD in the middle of the night, or just random times after DS has gone to bed. Or in the afternoons when DS naps.
I'd say we on average have 2-3 times a week. Works best if it's spontaneous, it gives it an additional thrill. DH surprised me getting out of the shower last week.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 09:27 AM
I think there are natural "dry patches" in any relationship. Pregnancy, TTC, babies, issues following birth, illness are just some of the reasons you might be having less than you'd like but I think the key is communication. 2-3 times a month wouldn't work for me or my husband, but one of us would say something if it looked like going that way, we'd need to work through the reasons and find other ways to encourage intimacy (which is completely different to sex really).
That said, I'd get the infection sorted and go from there.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 10:05 AM
I think it all depends on if it feels 'ok' for both partners or not. In your case, perhaps not, but it doesn't sound like the frequency has changed, just his initiation? Chat to him about that. Perhaps he doesn't want to pressure you.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 10:15 AM
You say he never asks anymore and he is concerned for you. Why don't you initiate sex, he may have more confidence it's ok and you actually want to, if you do.
Also, you poor thing sounds like you have been created through bit since having a baby.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 10:47 AM
I wouldn't let how often other people's are doing it affect your feeling about this. You're doing better than lots And less that others. Tackle the issues of intimacy , trust. comfort and ignore numbers. Good luck xxx
Edited by Agnetha, 09 April 2017 - 10:48 AM.
Posted 09 April 2017 - 03:57 PM
I've always found it interesting how people's sexual needs differ. Some are ok with once a month, others do it every day.
I think the fact that we had to abstain throughout the whole pregnancy really affected us. Then after I delivered, we abstained again while doctor after doctor tried and failed to treat the infection.
But I think the breaking point was last April, when I ended up having cystitis after intercourse. While I was no stranger to cystitis, this was particularly bad and I ended up in the hospital for five days with a 39.5 fever. We were also living away from home so I had to stay in the hospital alone and my husband had to stay with our son at home. A urologist later told me that the infection I have makes me at a higher risk for cystitis. This experience traumatised us both and pretty much killed our sex life.
I haven't had cystitis since then thankfully, but I think the damage is done. Other factors include that our son is a handful and refuses to sleep early no matter how we tried (but that's for another thread). If he sleeps at 11, then to be quiet honest I am too exhausted to have sex.
I always initiate sex with my husband and once I do he is cool with it. But he never initiates it himself. He said that he worries that I am not interested. I keep telling him that I am!!!
I really wish we could get our groove back
By the way, I never slacked with treating this infection. I have seen 17 doctors after all. The last was a big time specialist in Scotland. He said my case was "confusing" sigh.
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