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#1 kirtyw

Posted 06 July 2017 - 02:42 PM


I'm 38 years old and really really want to have another child. DH does not want to. I am having a lot of trouble moving on (and still feel it should be DH who changes his mind), so here's the story.

DS1 is 10. DS2 is 6.5

2 years ago we got pregnant - unplanned. DH was in a bad place.  He was undergoing test for possible MS (since then he's health has improved - he hasn't got MS). My sister was in her final (we know now) 12 months of terminal cancer being nursed at my parents home by my parents and her husband. I had recently come off Anti Depressants for anxiety. My husband fell apart at the news of the pregnancy. Against my heart I agree to and went through with a termination. We had huge lists of pros and cons.  Some of the cons included a DVT I'd had after DS2's birth (I will need to be on blood thinners through out any pregnancies), the fact I was pregnant and taking anti depressants that could cause birth defects at the same time.

But even now, 2 years later, I can't move on. Life feels bleak at the prospect of never having any more children. But DH just won't agree. I can't do it by myself. Having lost my sister recently (NOV) I just want family family and more family in my life forever. This is all that matters.

I have a few concerns about the large age gap that could happen between my current 2 and any potential child - but that doesn't really matter as DH just won't go there. He tells me to count my blessings. To move on.

I feel like I did something that I didn't want to do for him. Now he should for me. I know he will love and care for a child once it was here.

Im just so sad.

#2 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 06 July 2017 - 03:36 PM

As someone who became a big sister at 7.5yrs (brother was 10yrs).... don't go there.

It took until my sister was mid 20s before we started to get along.

My folks have admitted their regret over the extra whoopsie baby, probably compounded by the fact she has ongoing medical problems too. They are in their 70s but instead of enjoying retirement are spending their time looking after my sisters children.

Just another viewpoint. Family is not always sunshine and happiness.

I am sorry for your losses.

Seek counselling for yourself to work through your feelings and as resentment towards your DH could become problematic for your relationship. Resentment and feeling owed is not good for any relationship.

I have had to support friends through terminations although I did not agree with terminations in principle at the time, termination was the right choice for that person at that time as defects from medication were very high.


Edited by Veritas Vinum Arte, 06 July 2017 - 03:43 PM.

#3 ceevee

Posted 06 July 2017 - 09:23 PM

Hi OP.

Just wanted to say I really feel for you, that's an awful situation to be in. Life really sucks sometimes.
It's a very tough decision and one which only you and your DH can make. You have to come to the decision together, otherwise as PP said it will cause huge resentment.

I am so sorry about your sister. You have been through a terrible time and still grieving no doubt. I hope a good counsellor can help you find some peace.

I can understand where you are coming from. I am 42 and still hoping for no. 2.  DH is not into it and won't do IVF. I'm hoping for a miracle baby but know it's unlikely. My heart is broken but I try to be grateful for my one perfect boy, loving husband, good life etc.

Maybe it is not to be. Maybe you will get your miracle baby. I wish you much love and strength xx

#4 Oriental lily

Posted 06 July 2017 - 09:51 PM

Wow op what a horrible crappy couple of years . I can understand wanting that 'rainbow' after the storm in the form of a new family member .

Unfortunately op your DHs wish for no kids is as valid as yours to have kids .

His 'rainbow' might be in the form of security and good health in the family has now. Not wanting to rock the boat .

I totally get that . I am currently pregnant with an oops baby .

My biggest reservation is that I love my family how it is right now . 4 wonderfull healthy children and big plans for travel, house renovations ......

Now this .

Its a big unknown . I am scared sh*tless .

Something I would not have chosen .

You don't want resentment from your DH , even though I am sure you feel resentment towards him .

I am sure he will love a hypothetical baby  once its born .

But if this hypothetical baby does bring more stress and strain, there will be resentment . And that's especially not fair on the baby .

#5 Sancti-claws

Posted 06 July 2017 - 10:00 PM

Oh OP - I agree that it has been an absolutely horrible few years for you.

I think you probably need to have some counsellng for your grief in regard to your sister and your baby, but also perhaps some therapy with your husband in resolving what has happened and what decisions are finally made.

#6 Holidayromp

Posted 10 July 2017 - 03:27 PM

The problem is that his decision NOT to have children should not trump the ops desire to have one more. He has completely vitoed any further children without considering the ops feelings at all.

She feels that she was forced into making a decision to terminate and one that she clearly regrets and her feelings two years on is not the norm post termination in fact she seems stuck in a cycle of regret.

You have a few options:

Can you continue to live with it and will it eventually drive a wedge between your husband and yourself through resentment? Is it the make or break?

Speak to your husband and tell him what you told us. He doesn't get to have a straight out no there has to be a valid reason behind it and your feelings must be considered.

Counselling together and separate for yourself to help you work through your feelings.

Maybe consider seeing your gp and organising a mental health plan - it sounds like you are depressed.

Usually counselling is offered before a termination to ensure that the party going through it are 100% on board was this offered to you?

Good luck with it all :)

#7 Holidayromp

Posted 10 July 2017 - 03:31 PM

Also I think after reading back once again I cannot help but think that a strong catalyst of wanting another child is your sister's recent death. So you may need assistance separating the two - whether it's a genuine need or a way of dealing with your grief in your sister's passing.

#8 SarahBelle48

Posted 10 July 2017 - 03:47 PM

DH has a younger sibling who is 5 years younger than the next youngest. I can't really speak about how it worked in their childhood but I have noticed that as an adult, BIL seems to put a lot of pressure on himself to be 'on par' with his siblings even though he is 5 years younger. He rushed into an engagement with his previous girlfriend because all of his siblings are now married and it didn't work out.

My sister's husband was also born much later than his older siblings (I'm not sure of the exact age gap) and it also means that his parents are closer to our grandparents age and are not really much help with their grand-daughter as they are just too old. So it puts a lot of pressure on my parents as they have to compensate for that by always being the ones to baby-sit or help out. Plus my niece's cousins on the other side are much older than her and they rarely see BIL's brother or his family anyway.

#9 kirtyw

Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:26 PM

thank you for your answers.

yes, I've had therapy over this.

yes I was offered counselling at the time of the termination.  I am (like most ppl) very good at putting others needs first.

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