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Happy birthday Harry

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#1 Starletta

Posted 26 July 2017 - 04:23 PM

Tomorrow is my sons 6th birthday, or it would be if he were here.

Every year I tie myself in knots about how to “celebrate” his life alongside honouring his memory.

I have always felt like a bit of a fraud in the baby loss community. I try to join in with the balloon releases, the naming of stars, the baking of cakes and gathering of family and friends and to be honest it just leaves me feeling anxious and cold. I say all the right things and make all the right noises but I just feel broken. I always pretend to partake in these rituals and pretend they help but they just don’t. Maybe I am just not there yet.

So I am just taking it back to basics and not letting myself feel pressured by the expectations to make the day look like a picture perfect example of what a “heavenly birthday” should be. The four of us will go to the Zoo, something I think we would do if he were here. No work or preschool, just spend the day together. I will allow myself to laugh at my 5 year old brashly talking about “my brother, who is dead” (she will tell anybody within earshot unfortunately) and I wont pressure myself to answer well meaning texts with just the right mix of wistful nostalgia, sadness, love and positivity so they don’t think I am crazy. I will just not respond and hope that the ones that matter understand.

One thing I will always remember is logging on to EB the night of his birth from my hospital bed. I don’t even know why I did it, I was high on morphine and grief and needed to tell the world about what had happened to us. Maybe I was in shock, it felt like a nightmare. What followed was so amazing, so much support from so many strangers, many who have become friends and some who I have even gone on to meet “in real life”. EB is such an amazing place and I have benefited so much from this community. I have tried to give back since then but I know I fall short, so I suppose in a way this is a thank you, to those who were there for me that night, and have been there for me since.

Happy birthday Harry, thank you for teaching me so much and letting me become a mother. I love you, and I wish you were here :heart:

#2 wallofdodo

Posted 26 July 2017 - 04:30 PM

Happy Birthday to Harry.

You do it your way. Do what feels right for you, I do understand the pressure to do things the acceptable way, but that's not for everyone, doesn't mean you don't feel it.

#3 Soontobegran

Posted 26 July 2017 - 05:00 PM

Happy 6th Birthday beautiful Harry, I will never forget.....you are so brave Starletta. :heart:

Edited by Soontobegran, 26 July 2017 - 05:26 PM.

#4 cardamom

Posted 26 July 2017 - 05:18 PM

Happy birthday lovely boy.

I remember your post that night :heart:  I'm glad EB was able to be there for you at such a heartbreaking time.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

#5 Water_lily

Posted 26 July 2017 - 05:19 PM

Take care lady xx

#6 Claudia Jean

Posted 26 July 2017 - 06:28 PM

I remember you posting that night and it being so raw and heartbreaking and inexplicable.  

Your plan for tomorrow sounds perfect. Happy birthday Harry and happy becoming-a-mum day Starletta x

#7 Caitlin Happymeal

Posted 26 July 2017 - 06:42 PM

Your post from his birth has stayed with me. I remember it.

Your birthday plan sounds beautiful - i hope its a lovely day with your family.

Happy birthday, Harry. Will be thinking of you starletta.

#8 little lion

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:13 PM

Happy birthday to Harry. I too remember your post. I think it is admirable to say that you want to grieve in a way you think others mightn't understand. It must be hard feeling as though you have to deal with others sensitively, when really they should allow you the space to mark his heavenly birthday as feels right for you. You sound like a lovely person.

#9 FuzzyChocolateToes

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:15 PM

Happy birthday Harry.

I remember too.

#10 Riotproof

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:28 PM

Happy birthday Harry.

I think you are very wise to do it your own way. Be kind to yourself.

#11 Sancti-claws

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:44 PM

Happy birthday Harry - and please go through your anniversary of being Harry's mum in whatever way suits you and your family, Starletta.

#12 mandala

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:45 PM

Happy birthday, Harry.

Grief and mourning are so personal. There's no right way to mourn, only the way that works for you.

#13 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 26 July 2017 - 07:50 PM

Happy birthday Harry and much love to you Starletta.

You know my stance on it is to do what works for you and your grief.  I've never done balloon releases, cakes etc etc, it is not how I roll.

I light a candle most years.  I think a trip to the zoo is a great idea.

Did you see the article I linked on FB?  I'll PM it if you are interested.  It's about how there is no one right way to continue your life after the death of your child.

#14 dearydo

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:02 PM

I also remember your post and have been amazed at your strength.

Happy birthday Harry.

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow.

#15 Lyra

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:09 PM

Happy birthday Harry!

I'm with Acidulous Osprey. We don't do big things on my son's birthday. We do what feels right for us in the moment. He loved to do morning tea after swimming lessons so this year we went out to morning tea and had a muffin. I wanted to chuck half of it on the floor like he would but my husband told me that apparently that wouldn't be appropriate (spoil sport).

Do whatever you need to do xxx

#16 SplashingRainbows

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:09 PM

Happy birthday Harry.

I too vividly remember your post that night. I have several times been moved by your courageous honesty on EB. I hope tomorrow you feel free to celebrate and remember the way that fits you best.

Take care of yourself tomorrow.

#17 .Jerry.

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:11 PM

Another who remembers your post after Harry's birth.

I hope his birthday goes gently for your family.

#18 just roses

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:17 PM

I saw the thread title and just knew it was about your Harry.

I was also on EB that night and remember it so well. We all grieved with you.

Just honour his memory in whatever way seems right to you, but know that you already honour his memory every day - in all sorts of ways. There are no rules for *the* day.

Happy birthday, sweet Harry x

#19 Rach_V

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:18 PM

I will never forget your post and in a completely non-random-internet-stalkery kinda way, I think of you often Starletta.

Happy birthday Harry.

#20 Mooples

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:20 PM

Happy birthday Harry. I hope your family has a lovely day at the zoo remembering your precious boy.

#21 PooksLikeChristmas

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:21 PM

You are his mother and you love and honour him however it feels right for you. I always remember Harry x

#22 Yippee-Ki-Yay

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:23 PM

Happy Birthday Harry.

Im dont know how it could be expected for you simply have all of these healing feelings and thoughts. I am sure there are many memories that are incredibly difficult to face as an everyday challenge let alone when it comes time to celebrate the birthday of a baby you never got to bring home and see grow.

I had someone write me a note once in sympathy and she detailed her own experience with still birth and that despite it having been 19 years previous, she still finds it difficult to come to terms with.

I know of another woman who takes a week off at the time of the year of the still birth of her son and spends a week in an isolated cabin in the bush. She has done so for the last 25 years. Mainly because she knows she wont feel ok and she doesnt want to deal with other people's expectations.

Your family are hurting. What one of you need may be the opposite of what another one needs.

I can say, if it helps at all, that there are many children lost to EB'ers that I make a point to think about and remember. Little Harry is one of them. x

#23 TheGreenSheep

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:26 PM

I remember.

Happy birthday Harry.

Do it whatever way you want.

Enjoy the zoo together.

#24 Future-self

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:30 PM

Happy Birthday yo your Harry.
I remember too. Much love to you.

#25 TinMan

Posted 26 July 2017 - 08:54 PM

Happy Birthday to your Harry.

I too remember your post.

Enjoy the zoo with your little family- I hope the weather is perfect.

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