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Need advice on how to decide if I should expand my family


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#1 Maree83

Posted 03 November 2017 - 06:56 PM

Hi guys.
Okay, so I don't expect anyone else can tell me exactly what to do in this situation but maybe someone can relate or provide some advice.
My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters aged 32mths and 19mths. Today, my husband asked me how I feel about having another child. It has always been my understanding that we MAY have another baby but it was undecided really.  My husband has always said that he thinks he is okay with two but it was a "we'll see" mentality.  I always thought that I would love 3 kids. I started to accept the fact that we would only have rwo kids though, as we haven't discussed it any further and I don't want my husband to agree to another to please me. We both have to be on board.
Well today he said that he is in two minds about it, but would like to make a decision soon as I am 35 years old in a couple of months and he is almost 37 years. While that's not old (don't want to offend anyone) , he doesn't want to be much older before trying again. I told him that my heart would love another child but my head isn't sure. He said that he can be happy with two but also wouldn't be unhappy with three.  So, I think he is waiting for me to think this through. My concerns are my age, how much harder it may be with three, I am due to go back to work in January, financially we could manage bit obviously would be harder, our house is not huge, but again we could cope. I have a million thoughts at the moment.  My heart hasn't given up on another baby though.  It is strange because I have been thinking about this recently to myself, feeling like my family is not yet complete.  Would I cope having three small kids? Any stories out there? I am so confused!

#2 gemgirl

Posted 03 November 2017 - 07:00 PM

I had a heart and head debate myself. My DP was VERY keen for another, but I could see all these reasons why NOT to. However, I could visualise this little child and I kept saying "no". Analytically there were soooo many reasons to say no.

Recently I started meditating, using an app. I don't know if I do it right, or whatever, and after my first time meditating, I just said "right, what will the Universe bring me now?" The next day I woke up feeling like I wanted to have a baby. I pondered the thought for two weeks, allowing myself to go with my heart over my head, and then I told DP.

Whether the child I see actually happens is yet to be seen. Interestingly, today I heard Janine Allis (Boost Juice) say on a podcast she had a 4th baby at 42 because she saw this little girl that had to be part of her family.

So that's my story. Maybe it will assist you, maybe not. Good luck. It's not an easy decision.

Edited by gemgirl, 03 November 2017 - 07:04 PM.


#3 Maree83

Posted 03 November 2017 - 07:09 PM

Thanks for your reply and best of luck with your journey.  Your post made me tear up a bit. Maybe it touched a nerve. I know my husband and I would adore a new baby, but still thinking over the practical stuff. Thanks again.

#4 gemgirl

Posted 03 November 2017 - 07:16 PM

I had a very complicated pregnancy, and before I decided, I suffered anxiety about having another. But once I decided, I felt at peace with the decision, and I haven't experienced severe anxiety again. I'm not confident it will be an easy pregnancy, and I am anxious about it, but let's see.

I think once we let the head take over, there are always reasons to say no to almost anything that's a change. That's why we also have to listen to our hearts. I'm logical, and I don't like taking risks unnecessarily, but sometimes we just have to go with it.

I'm glad my story may have helped a little :)

Edited by gemgirl, 03 November 2017 - 07:16 PM.


#5 MwahMum

Posted 09 November 2017 - 05:32 AM

I'd love to hear any other thoughts on this. Currently in a similar position. Never thought I'd go for more than one, but here we are. DD almost 1yo, and I'm thinking about it. huge shift for me, was adamant I was OAD

#6 ekbaby

Posted 09 November 2017 - 07:36 AM

It sounds like you are a bit ambivalent about it?

My story is of stopping before I was really "done". I know you hear a lot about not regretting having another child and I think it's true that if we had had a fourth of course we would love that child and not be able to imagine life without them.

However if you want to hear what it feels like to stop when you were not sure about having another one that's my story :)

When my #3 was young I was sure I wanted another one and started working on DP straight away. DP was quite exhausted from the 3 we have but eventually said yes. But at the same time I was also trying to work on myself getting used to not having another one as I did not want to force it on DP.

Thinking about what I *would* do if we didn't have another baby really helped. For us that has mean being able to travel as a family, me getting a job and having a bit more room to breathe financially. Having goals of things I want to do with my older children like join them in activities, things we can only do now they are older (eg challenging bushwalks, body boarding, watching movies we actually both enjoy etc).

I feel like DP and I wanted "3.5" children if that was possible but instead of pushing possibly beyond our limit we stopped when there was still that desire left for another, not wanting to risk breaking our family in pursuing it.

Over time that desire for a baby has waned, the older your kids get the more it goes away. Your kids are still young now so it makes sense that now is the time you are thinking about another. My youngest just turned 3 and by now I feel that time has really passed, I am now able to spend nights away from my "baby", sleep etc is only getting better. The thought of sleepness nights, sore boobs etc gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't even really want to spend time with other people's babies! I also turned 36 this year which was like a cut off for me. My life is moving on to the next stage and while I still have small pangs of "what if" I am happy with my life.

#7 AdelTwins

Posted 09 November 2017 - 07:47 AM

I would wait until your first is at school (or close to starting school) before trying.

Save money, work so you are entitled to the gov paid leave and then stop contraception and see what happens.

My DS3 is awesome but twin DS1 & 2 are at school so I have my days to myself (welll actually only 6 hours). I am 38 yo and he is 3m.

#8 IamzFeralz

Posted 09 November 2017 - 08:02 AM

Is your occupation something that is hard to go back to if you have spent too much time away?

If so, I would go back to work for a year to keep your skill set up to date and then have #3.  

Its always handy having that ability to work for some future emergency. even though its most likely you wouldn't need it.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

#9 foxbread

Posted 09 November 2017 - 08:04 AM

I feel 80% done with 2 kids, but DH would like another one. That 20% is drawn because I liked being pregnant and the baby/toddler stage - I don't really want another child, but I don't really feel done with that stage of life either.  Don't know if that makes sense, or is enough of a reason to have another one...

#10 Manicmum

Posted 09 November 2017 - 08:14 AM

I have 3 and wanted another, then hubby up and left us. I wish I had been quicker -lol!

#11 just roses

Posted 09 November 2017 - 08:29 AM

I like to road test big decisions. Why not decide ‘yes’ and live with the decision for a week or two. Plan as though are pregnant. How do you feel about work? How do you feel about having 3 kids? How do you feel about the family dynamic?

There are no guarantees. And many people find third babies hard. But many do cope well. No one can say how you’ll find it. But if your relationship is strong and you’re financially stable, there’s no reason to think it won’t go well.

#12 Crazyhouseholdof6

Posted 09 November 2017 - 09:36 AM

Going from 2 kids to 3 was the worst transition for us. I had a three year old, 15mo and a newborn. It was sheer hell for us. I will add that we have absolutely zero family help though so it is just hubby and I. Our car fit 3 car seats comfortably, our house is smallish by today’s standards but big enough to accommodate all of us, I think the biggest issue was sleep deprivation. The killer though was when I went back to work and had to pay day care for three kids. I think it took all of my wage except $30 a fortnight or thereabouts. Having said all the negatives I wouldn’t change any of them for the world and once routine was established life flowed much better. In fact we went on to have bub #4 wen the youngest was 3 and the eldest was 6.
Ultimately, you’ll make it work if you really want another bubba, everything will fall into place eventually. You don’t want to be 50 and regret not having your 3rd child.

#13 amdirel

Posted 09 November 2017 - 10:00 AM

Sorry, but I find three really really hard work. Still now, even though they're older. It's very expensive too. Even though my third child is a delight, if I had my time again, I would stick to two.

#14 RichardParker

Posted 09 November 2017 - 10:12 AM

I could deal with another newborn and baby, but they don’t stay babies for long- they turn into toddlers and 4yolds and then they’re bratty kids that need school uniforms and soccer practice.

I would love to have another baby, but I don’t know that I could deal with another child- IFYKWIM.

#15 cvbn

Posted 09 November 2017 - 11:40 AM

I love babies and toddlers and do them very, very well.
I have just had my 18 year old twins do year 12, that has been hard!

I have 3 more yet to get to secondary.

That said, I love my big family and would have another if I wasn't too old.

#16 Mollycoddle

Posted 09 November 2017 - 12:12 PM

View Postekbaby, on 09 November 2017 - 07:36 AM, said:

Thinking about what I *would* do if we didn't have another baby really helped. For us that has mean being able to travel as a family, me getting a job and having a bit more room to breathe financially. Having goals of things I want to do with my older children like join them in activities, things we can only do now they are older (eg challenging bushwalks, body boarding, watching movies we actually both enjoy etc).

This is a good point.  I have two and never wanted more, hell I could even have stopped at one if DP hadn't wanted the eldest to have a sibling (now I'm happy that they do have each other).  I agree 100% that the desire to have more goes away as they get older and as YOU get older.

Of course it's up to you as to what's more important re. weighing up the could-haves but I think it's important to remember that there's no getting away from the fact that the more children you have, the less they all get - not just material things but your attention too.  I know it's a bit of a generalisation but I know of people with big families who, even if they can afford to get their kids into sports and other activities, have to spread themselves so thin and rely on others to do the ferrying around as well as just generally not having the time to even just chill out with their kids.  It's especially important as kids get older and into their tween years to have that attention, I've seen people struggle to provide this as they also have babies and toddlers who tend to command all the attention.  I don't think it's fair on any of the kids and it must be so hard for the parents too.

OP only you will know what is the tipping point for you.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 09 November 2017 - 12:35 PM.


#17 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 09 November 2017 - 12:46 PM

View Postamdirel, on 09 November 2017 - 10:00 AM, said:

Sorry, but I find three really really hard work. Still now, even though they're older. It's very expensive too. Even though my third child is a delight, if I had my time again, I would stick to two.

This is me too. My kids were just turned 4 & 2 when baby was born. The first 18m were hectic, but little #3 just fit in no problems.... until about 18m when their personality really emerged. Boy did life then get hard.

They are now 8,10,12years and life is still hard. I do think we should have stopped at 2. 3 just makes everything that but more expensive (2 rooms rather than 1, that extra airfare etc) that bit more harder.

I love my third, but would encourage anyone ambivalent NOT to have a third.

#18 just roses

Posted 09 November 2017 - 01:44 PM

I agree that the older you get the easier it gets to just have two - and be happy with that decision.

We never *had* to have a third, but we did discuss it and it just never felt right for both of us at the same time.

Now, we love having the two. It’s easy in terms of travel, cars, extracurricular activities etc. Society does seem geared to families with 2A 2C.

#19 amdirel

Posted 09 November 2017 - 02:20 PM

View Postamdirel, on 09 November 2017 - 10:00 AM, said:

Sorry, but I find three really really hard work. Still now, even though they're older. It's very expensive too. Even though my third child is a delight, if I had my time again, I would stick to two.

I also meant to add; I found having 2 kids really really easy. So it's not like I struggled the whole way along, it was only when the third came along!

#20 Lallalla

Posted 09 November 2017 - 08:51 PM

I can’t answer whether you should have a 3rd or not, but would you cope? Yes you would. Because the baby would be there and you would find a way. People often say to me “I don’t know how you do it” or similar (I have a 22 month age gap between my eldest and my twins). But the thing is, I have to do it, there is no choice, and they are 100% worth it.

I think there being a bigger age gap between your 2nd and 3rd would also have to help.

#21 purpleblaze

Posted 09 November 2017 - 09:23 PM

I had my 3rd at 42, he's nearly 10 months now.  Oldest is 4.5yrs.  The first 5 months were tough with breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and 2 toddlers to look after.  Once the sleeping issue was fixed at 5 months, everything has been pretty cruisy.  It's the toddlers who make me want to tear my hair out!  Obviously once the baby is older things will change but at the moment things are pretty good, chaotic but good.

#22 Kreme

Posted 09 November 2017 - 10:04 PM

I had my first at 38, second at 39. After my 2nd was born I really wanted a third. DH wasn’t sure so we decided to wait for a year, and by the time my 2nd was 1 I’d changed my mind, so we didn’t proceed. In my early 40s I wondered again if I should have a third but I was worried about  potential health problem, etc

#23 Blondiebear

Posted 09 November 2017 - 10:23 PM

View Postjust roses, on 09 November 2017 - 01:44 PM, said:

I agree that the older you get the easier it gets to just have two - and be happy with that decision. We never *had* to have a third, but we did discuss it and it just never felt right for both of us at the same time. Now, we love having the two. It’s easy in terms of travel, cars, extracurricular activities etc. Society does seem geared to families with 2A 2C.
This is exactly the same for me. I always wanted 3, and my husband was always open to 3, but the way circumstances panned out the window didn't open for the 3rd. Nek minnit my kids are 9 and 6 and life has gotten so much easier... I see friends and family that have had the 3rd and I know we did the right thing.

#24 Maree83

Posted 10 November 2017 - 01:32 PM

Thanks guys for the varying advice. It was good to see other people's stories. Things are still up in the air for us. We both want to be 100% on board, so we can afford to take some time to think about it I think.
My heart says yes, but head says not sure.  My partner feels like that also. I know we would be able to manage financially, and we cope well with our girls, especially since they are so close in age. My eldest is at a stage now when I would consider her fully trained, if you know what I mean, haha. My youngest has her moments like most toddlers but overall is good to look after.
I work in retail so it's fairly easy to slot back in. I think we will take a.few months to think about it.

#25 newmumandexcited

Posted 12 November 2017 - 01:28 PM

I am struggling with this also - I have 8 month old twins and a 2.5 yo but I'm nearly 34 so I suppose I do think about whether I want a 4th. It's a tough one isn't it?




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