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I feel sick to my stomach, advice needed


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#26 Nobodyelse

Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:44 AM

I also wonder if the #metoo movement has made your dad hyperaware to what would have been considered 'normal' not too long ago. I know when I was a developing teen, my uncles made inappropriate comments. They didn't have urges and I was never unsafe around them. They were just gross. And that type of gross was accepted, normal and widespread. Maybe your dad is just more aware that those behaviours are gross than he used to be. Gross but not dangerous, perhaps?

#27 Soontobegran

Posted 30 December 2017 - 12:14 PM

How unsettling for you :(

He is showing great insight and if you normally have a good relationship with him then talk talk talk.

Your daughter is oblivious, I would keep it that way at this point in time.

#28 Heather11

Posted 30 December 2017 - 12:25 PM

View PostNobodyelse, on 30 December 2017 - 11:44 AM, said:

I also wonder if the #metoo movement has made your dad hyperaware to what would have been considered 'normal' not too long ago. I know when I was a developing teen, my uncles made inappropriate comments. They didn't have urges and I was never unsafe around them. They were just gross. And that type of gross was accepted, normal and widespread. Maybe your dad is just more aware that those behaviours are gross than he used to be. Gross but not dangerous, perhaps?

I had the same thoughts.  It's very much in the news at the moment and at the forefront of everyone's minds.

I have heard some comments from older people about how they are concerned about whether they can hug their grandchildren anymore.

You need to clarify with your dad what exactly he feels he did that was offensive and I would probably do that before you cancel any trip away.

#29 purplekitty

Posted 30 December 2017 - 12:30 PM

As difficult as it will be you need to have an frank talk with your Dad and find out the facts before you do anything.

#30 IamzFeralz

Posted 30 December 2017 - 12:38 PM

That is one very difficult and unusual phone call.  It would massively change your relationship with your father.  

I think the others are right in suggesting you get clarification but I would honestly see a counsellor for guidance.

Thinking of you.

#31 sammyv

Posted 30 December 2017 - 12:42 PM

You definitely need to talk to your father.  I agree with pp that it is probably just him noticing his granddaughter has started to develop.

#32 luckyducky

Posted 30 December 2017 - 05:35 PM

Ok so he has clarified by saying that he looked at her very very briefly, and felt like she was offended by it, he said that it was only a few seconds but that it seemed uncomfortable because she gave him a look as if to say "what you looking at".  He also stated that he told me this because he was worried that he has made her feel wierd, and that because of today and the way the media is, he didn't want to be accused of doing something that was an innocent and an unintentional thing.  It was spurred on because of a conversation I was having in the afternoon, about old perverts and how they need to be careful when they take the kids to the beach when they are down at their house..... he thought that I was directing the conversation at him (ummmm no).... just strange timing.

I spoke to her and asked her if he did anything that made her feel uncomfortable, and she just looked at me and said 'no what do you mean?'.  She would definitely tell me, and I didn't prompt her.  She has 4 siblings, who tell me everything, so wont ever be alone with him. He is a very old fashioned type and its possible that the #metoo stuff has played on his mind.

So I have told him he needs to read up on it and needs to make sure that it was nothing more than an unintentional glance.

I don't feel much better and have not mentioned to DH yet until i fully understand, it would tear the family to pieces.  But I have told him that he needs to tell my mum what happened, or I will.  He is on watch.....

#33 No Drama Please

Posted 30 December 2017 - 05:54 PM

You poor thing, are you sure you can’t tell your DH because I would probably be so freaked out I’d need to debrief with him straight away. Nothing’s actually happened so he wouldn’t need to approach your dad, if that’s what you’re worried about. You know yourself of course x

#34 Dianalynch

Posted 30 December 2017 - 05:57 PM

I'm sorry op, just awful.
Are you sure about her staying with him? Is that safe?

And you need to tell your DH, if my DH kept something like that from me I'd never speak to him again.

#35 Soontobegran

Posted 30 December 2017 - 05:59 PM

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POPULAR

I think it sounds quite innocent to be honest.

The fact that he is discussing it so openly with you tells me that he is not some seedy pervert as they rarely share what they do with family.

I actually understand where he is coming from TBH, there is a lot of suspicion around relationships between older men and children, he has clearly seen there is a need for complete transparency so had checked himself.
I look at my grandsons and think to myself what a cute kid or isn't he getting taller, stronger etc. I can't imagine a world where this is not okay.....my DH has mentioned how tall some of our grandchildren are or how long their hair or their eyelashes are. It doesn't have to be lewd.
Right here on EB it was suggested that because my DH changed his grandchildren's nappies that he was probably becoming aroused.
We have had this discussion after I told him this, he feels awkward now being openly loving to our grandchildren and other children in public because he fears that someone will misinterpret his intent.

I still think that the fact that he suddenly felt as though he was making her uncomfortable is a good thing, it shows a level of insight into his behaviour that I wish all men had.

I don't think you should push it any further with your daughter....she is not affected by what happened but it certainly can affect everything about her future relationship with her grandfather.

I trust you will be able to sense the truth......only you know your dad and his history.
Good luck.

#36 sealie

Posted 30 December 2017 - 06:16 PM

View PostDianalynch, on 30 December 2017 - 05:57 PM, said:

I'm sorry op, just awful.
Are you sure about her staying with him? Is that safe?

And you need to tell your DH, if my DH kept something like that from me I'd never speak to him again.
Strong.

Edited by sealie, 30 December 2017 - 06:22 PM.


#37 Bono25

Posted 30 December 2017 - 06:26 PM

View PostSoontobegran, on 30 December 2017 - 05:59 PM, said:

I think it sounds quite innocent to be honest.

The fact that he is discussing it so openly with you tells me that he is not some seedy pervert as they rarely share what they do with family.

I actually understand where he is coming from TBH, there is a lot of suspicion around relationships between older men and children, he has clearly seen there is a need for complete transparency so had checked himself.
I look at my grandsons and think to myself what a cute kid or isn't he getting taller, stronger etc. I can't imagine a world where this is not okay.....my DH has mentioned how tall some of our grandchildren are or how long their hair or their eyelashes are. It doesn't have to be lewd.
Right here on EB it was suggested that because my DH changed his grandchildren's nappies that he was probably becoming aroused.
We have had this discussion after I told him this, he feels awkward now being openly loving to our grandchildren and other children in public because he fears that someone will misinterpret his intent.

I still think that the fact that he suddenly felt as though he was making her uncomfortable is a good thing, it shows a level of insight into his behaviour that I wish all men had.

I don't think you should push it any further with your daughter....she is not affected by what happened but it certainly can affect everything about her future relationship with her grandfather.

I trust you will be able to sense the truth......only you know your dad and his history.
Good luck.

All this. It doesn't sound like anything happened, he's just worried that someone who will read something into it that isn't there.

#38 harmonic_wizz_fizz

Posted 30 December 2017 - 06:32 PM

View Postmarple, on 30 December 2017 - 10:07 AM, said:

I think he means he offended your daughter not that he committed an offence?
How awful and confusing. I would ring and find out exactly what he means.
Thats how I read it too, that he looked at her in the wrong kind of way and he is worried that she saw or felt scared and he is worried what will happen now, as in would he lose contact with the family.
Definately you need to talk to him and determine exactly what happened. Im sorry this horrid situation is occuring for you OP

#39 Mollyksy

Posted 30 December 2017 - 06:42 PM

I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar situation as my grandad told my grandmother when I was a tween that he'd accidentally touched my breasts picking me up to put me in the ute. He wanted to be upfront as it was an accident. My grandma told my mum who questioned me. Like your DD I had no memory and I am really cluey (and was then) as to feeling safe.

I would tell your DH, and make sure your mum knows. I wouldn't involve your daughter much more right now as she will start getting uncomfortable. It bodes we that he admitted it (even if it was from a place he was sure she'd tell you). I too had clueless/gross relatives that saw fit to stare and comment as my body changed. My dad and brother even had a conversation that my breasts were uneven. It was clueless, gross but didn't lead to abuse other than the intro to stupid men. Not that this makes it ok of course. And hopefully with the metoo stuff this will change.

I would seek out advice from a psychologist or other professional as to where to now from here. huge hugs. Its been a h3ll of a day for you.

EFS

Edited by Mollyksy, 30 December 2017 - 06:44 PM.


#40 amdirel

Posted 30 December 2017 - 06:53 PM

View Postluckyducky, on 30 December 2017 - 05:35 PM, said:

Ok so he has clarified by saying that he looked at her very very briefly, and felt like she was offended by it, he said that it was only a few seconds but that it seemed uncomfortable because she gave him a look as if to say "what you looking at".  He also stated that he told me this because he was worried that he has made her feel wierd, and that because of today and the way the media is, he didn't want to be accused of doing something that was an innocent and an unintentional thing.  It was spurred on because of a conversation I was having in the afternoon, about old perverts and how they need to be careful when they take the kids to the beach when they are down at their house..... he thought that I was directing the conversation at him (ummmm no).... just strange timing.

I spoke to her and asked her if he did anything that made her feel uncomfortable, and she just looked at me and said 'no what do you mean?'.  She would definitely tell me, and I didn't prompt her.  She has 4 siblings, who tell me everything, so wont ever be alone with him. He is a very old fashioned type and its possible that the #metoo stuff has played on his mind.

So I have told him he needs to read up on it and needs to make sure that it was nothing more than an unintentional glance.

I don't feel much better and have not mentioned to DH yet until i fully understand, it would tear the family to pieces.  But I have told him that he needs to tell my mum what happened, or I will.  He is on watch.....

That still doesn’t clarify anything IMO, unless I've missed something... so he looked at her... was it a "wow she's really growing up" look, or a "wow she's pretty hot" look?

#41 Mollyksy

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:00 PM

I gather a 'wow she is hot' since he is so sure she'd be offended by the look. He is already down playing it, and who knows, could even have convinced himself all he really was doing is noticing her growing up.

That does not mean that he would act on it at all. It just means that some men are visual, seem to be able to look and leer before their brain catches up with them. Gross. But I'd hazard a guess it is common if men spoke about it.

Like I said, I'd want to chat with an expert to get some more info.

#42 Soontobegran

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:04 PM

View Postluckyducky, on 30 December 2017 - 05:35 PM, said:


I don't feel much better and have not mentioned to DH yet until i fully understand, it would tear the family to pieces.  But I have told him that he needs to tell my mum what happened, or I will.  He is on watch.....

He is on watch why?

I am sorry this unsettled you but NOTHING happened, I feel as though you need to take a deep breath here and stop catastrophising it. Why will it tear your family to pieces?

You don't think he will already have talked to your mum?

#43 Future-self

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:07 PM

There is something bizarre about this OP.
Your Dad’s reaction for what he claims later he did is a massive overreaction.  huge mountain from a molehill. So why would he be making this huge fuss over something so benign? His original email talks of being ashamed. That’s different from perhaps causing offence. I wouldn’t be feeling any better about this either so I don’t blame you for saying similar. I’d talk to him again - face to face if possible . And ask him why on earth he thought this was such a big deal on the first place then? Why the  emails and the texts and his talk of being so ashamed he couldn’t even tell your Mum... that all points to something much more sinister and he has boone to blame but himself for that .

I’d stop asking your DD for now and talk to someon else - PP suggestion of someone in the child protection area is probably a good one just to see if there’s something you’re missing?

#44 TinMan

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:11 PM

View Postluckyducky, on 30 December 2017 - 05:35 PM, said:

She has 4 siblings, who tell me everything, so wont ever be alone with him. He is a very old fashioned type and its possible that the #metoo stuff has played on his mind.


I don't feel much better and have not mentioned to DH yet until i fully understand, it would tear the family to pieces.  But I have told him that he needs to tell my mum what happened, or I will.  He is on watch.....

I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

Can I just raise a few things from your update?

Not saying this is his intention but relying upon the fact that she will never be alone with him based on her siblings is flawed thinking in my professional opinion- people who hurt children are masters of manipulating the situation in their own favour- again not saying this is his intention.

And secondly- what does "he's on watch" mean? Anyone who I felt was "on watch" near my children would have any access or contact terminated- no deliberation required.

If everything is innocent then you have nothing to lose talking to your DH, if everything is sinister then you also have nothing to lose talking to your DH- you want him to be protective of his own child too.

I hope it works out for the best for your DD, and again I'm sorry for your turmoil.

#45 Literary Lemur

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:13 PM

I’m still really unclear. Was she dressed or naked?  Was he looking at her in a sexual way?

Or has he not made it clear?

Has he just observed that she’s no longer a child?

#46 Rhosko2

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:32 PM

Tell your husband. The whole problem with sexual abuse is that historically it has been swept under the carpet. Your only job is to protect your child. No unsupervised access ever, too big a risk. Deal with it together as a family and you can both protect your child.

#47 Oriental lily

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:39 PM

Op i totally understand your confusion and feelings of losing a huge amount of trust in your father . I can't help feeling his shame and now attempts of a pre emptive 'playing down the situation ' is because his thoughts while looking at your DD were not exactly pure . And he thinks your DD caught him leering at her .Of course the reality was your DD was just thinking why is grandpa looking at me funny but your Dad thought he was caught out . Most men and woman acknowledge the maturing of a child without guilt if it's innocent thoughts . Normally at the same time having a feelings of regret that time goes so quickly with childhood vanishing in a flash . Surely your Dad knows that's not to be ashamed of ? I still think a clarification is needed of why he thinks he was looking st her inappropriately.

#48 WTFancie shmancie

Posted 30 December 2017 - 07:56 PM

I think OP's dad thinks that his grand-daughter found it inappropriate because of her expression when she looked at him, when she may have had what he interpreted as a  'what are you looking' face for a lot of other reasons.

Sometimes I look at my daughter across the room because I love to look at her when she is engrossed in something eg reading, watching tv, writing.  Sometimes she looks up with a fierce look on her face because of what she's doing and sometimes because she'll even say 'what are you looking at?' depending on her mood.

#49 ~J_WTF~

Posted 30 December 2017 - 08:00 PM

It's all so vague, how can you not be confused by what's going on.

Same as Fancie sometimes I look at my daughter and she glares at me for no reason other than I looked in her direction. Its a very teen thing I think.

#50 Silverstreak

Posted 30 December 2017 - 08:54 PM

Yes, I'm confused too. If he's just looking at her, like generally observing her and she's given him a puzzled look that's made him second guess himself, then I don't think it's anything to worry about.

If he's checking her out and, for want of a better word, lusting after her, that's a whole other issue altogether.




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