Jump to content

I feel sick to my stomach, advice needed


  • Please log in to reply
77 replies to this topic

#51 DebbieDoesSanta

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:11 PM

I have OCD, and I can tell you that I wound up in the hospital ED because I was scared I was going to hurt my own child. The thoughts were so intrusive and so scary, that I felt the compulsion to confess. It is a really complex condition. Every single human being has intrusive thoughts that are not always "healthy", but a normal person would brush them off and forget about it. A person with OCD will confess, and a person who is a predator will actually move forward with what they are thinking.

He may have looked at her, thought she was beautiful and realised it made her feel uncomfortable. In which case, it's a shame he e-mailed to let you know, because now it's made you feel very uneasy. So long as it wasn't sexual with intent, I don't see any reason for him to be "on watch".

#52 luckyducky

Posted 02 January 2018 - 05:37 PM

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I was so upset and confused by everything, but I had a big chat to my DH and now feel better.  I have also spoekn to my father.

So when I brought it up with my DH his reaction was "it sounds to me like he has had a quick glance at DD, thinking how much she has grown up and she caught him looking, sound like he has guilted himself into thinking that it was a bad thing".  He is not even remotely concerned, he knows my parents well.

I have also spoken to my dad, and he he has assured me it wa not sinister.  It was in the lounge room on Christmas day with everyone sitting there.

My DD is none the wiser.

I really apperciate the responses from you all,  my father was so vague, and in writing everything always seems so much worse than after speaking to him.

#53 SelceLisbeth

Posted 02 January 2018 - 05:41 PM

Im glad that is the outcome here OP. I really think, from what you posted that your dad was trying to make sure he was showing the right level of respect and that he may have been seen to act inappropriately whether he intended it or not.

#54 Lesley225

Posted 02 January 2018 - 05:47 PM

He may have been trying to do the right thing but I think his email caused more harm than anything he thought he might have done.

But I'm very glad it turned out well.

Edited by Lesley225, 02 January 2018 - 05:48 PM.


#55 Red Sparrow

Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:18 PM

Sorry, but I couldn't let my kids stay there again.

I'm not usually one to make a big deal about nothing, but given what your dad has done (the emails etc). I would say no.

It is common for family members to not believe when the predator is capable of doing something like that.

Please do some research and/or talk to a professional before making any decisions.

Imagine how you will feel if you just let it go and something happens to your DD.

#56 Tinkle Splashes

Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:28 PM

View Postluckyducky, on 02 January 2018 - 05:37 PM, said:

So when I brought it up with my DH his reaction was "it sounds to me like he has had a quick glance at DD, thinking how much she has grown up and she caught him looking, sound like he has guilted himself into thinking that it was a bad thing".  He is not even remotely concerned, he knows my parents well.

My bold.  As someone who was sexually abused by my grandfather for years, I have to say that this is exactly how my grandfather got away with it (he also abused two of my cousins).  Everyone thought they knew him.  Everyone thought they could trust him.  Army veteran, (seemingly) law abiding citizen, married for 60 years, father of 4, grandfather of 16....

This is how abusers get away with it.  People think they know them well.

My parents were absolutely stunned when they found out what he had done.  

This is not to say that your father would abuse your children OP, but if I were you I would take heed of the warning and I would not leave children in his care until they are older enough to not be at risk.

#57 Soontobegran

Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:33 PM

View PostTiger Lilly, on 02 January 2018 - 06:18 PM, said:

Sorry, but I couldn't let my kids stay there again.

I'm not usually one to make a big deal about nothing, but given what your dad has done (the emails etc). I would say no.

It is common for family members to not believe when the predator is capable of doing something like that.

Please do some research and/or talk to a professional before making any decisions.

Imagine how you will feel if you just let it go and something happens to your DD.

What did her dad do ?

Seriously.....I am as worried about predatory behaviour as anyone but what a sad sad world it is when someone feels like he has committed an offence simply because he has looked lovingly or appreciatively at his grand daughter.
Believe me....it is normal for someone to look at their flesh and blood and think 'how beautiful' or ' they look so grown up'.
Parents do it to their children....grandparents who love their grandchildren can do so too, without it being lustful.

It shows the impact of the media that he knew that his intentions could possibly be read as something seedy.....I feel for him. He panicked thinking he had made her uncomfortable so his answer was to email to inform the OP just in case he had. With hindsight and because her DD did not notice a thing he should have just kept it to himself.

Grandparents have been reported for simply walking on the beach with their grandchild.......as I said, it's sad and I would not be surprised if one day there will be grandparents everywhere saying no to childcare because they are scared of the repercussions.

ETA.....I know it very sadly happens but I am pretty sure that those who do do not broadcast it to their family.

Edited by Soontobegran, 02 January 2018 - 06:35 PM.


#58 Tinkle Splashes

Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:43 PM

Yes I have to say that the email is not consistent with the modus operandi of most abusers, who of course try to keep their behaviour completely under the radar.

It is a strange situation, I would let it go but would not leave young children in his care.

#59 Jenflea

Posted 02 January 2018 - 08:30 PM

Surely if he was an actual predator, he'd be keeping the look(and that's all it was, a look)  quiet, not telling everyone about it?

#60 Red Sparrow

Posted 02 January 2018 - 09:02 PM

View PostTinkle Splashes, on 02 January 2018 - 06:28 PM, said:

My bold.  As someone who was sexually abused by my grandfather for years, I have to say that this is exactly how my grandfather got away with it (he also abused two of my cousins).  Everyone thought they knew him.  Everyone thought they could trust him.  Army veteran, (seemingly) law abiding citizen, married for 60 years, father of 4, grandfather of 16....

This is how abusers get away with it.  People think they know them well.

My parents were absolutely stunned when they found out what he had done.  

This is not to say that your father would abuse your children OP, but if I were you I would take heed of the warning and I would not leave children in his care until they are older enough to not be at risk.

STBG - this explains it better than I did.

Just because it is not the usual modus operandi, doesn't mean anything.

ETA - this is just my opinion and what I would do in this situation. I never think that people should always follow what I do. I just make sure that I am all good with my actions regardless of what others do.

Edited by Tiger Lilly, 02 January 2018 - 09:03 PM.


#61 nup

Posted 02 January 2018 - 09:43 PM

Your discussion about perverts on the beach, what triggered that? It's still a pretty confounding story.

#62 kidwrangler

Posted 08 January 2018 - 09:00 AM

Sorry, but I also agree with Tiger Lilly that it should not be swept under the rug and forgotten.

Your Dad's email could have been a cry for help that he is now scared about and back pedalling on. Even sex offenders are people that have different emotions around their behaviour and compulsions.

You need to seek expert advice, not just EB advice, on sex offenders / child safety.

I understand you want to forget about it and continue with having a normal happy family life, and I am not suggesting you cut off your father, but I am saying that I strongly suggest you seek professional advice on dealing with the situation.

One immediate step is to have some gentle child protection chats with the kids as a whole family. There are some great books and resources out there to have an open and 'light' conversation about feelings and personal safety.

It might be OCD, it might be an overreaction, but if it was a cry for help and you chose to not listen, you may be putting both your father and kids at risk of a lifelong consequence.

#63 Mister Mum

Posted 08 January 2018 - 10:50 AM

The reality is that any man with a pulse will notice a developing body, it's hard wired.  Often I've turned my head only to be confronted with a well developed 14 year old.  

It happens, it doesn't make us all sick or predators.  OP I'm glad you've got some peace of mind :)

#64 JAPNII

Posted 08 January 2018 - 11:06 AM

I think OP should not leave her DD alone with her Dad.

But I don't think she should cut off all contact as yet. She should also talk with her DD and yes, seek some professional advice but I think the reaction needs to be nuanced.

#65 Soontobegran

Posted 08 January 2018 - 03:38 PM

View PostJAPNII, on 08 January 2018 - 11:06 AM, said:

I think OP should not leave her DD alone with her Dad.

But I don't think she should cut off all contact as yet. She should also talk with her DD and yes, seek some professional advice but I think the reaction needs to be nuanced.

She has talked to her daughter who is totally oblivious. What would you like her to say?



#66 halcyondays

Posted 08 January 2018 - 03:46 PM

That there is a change in plan and you’ll be visiting grandparents for a day, rather than having a sleepover?
I can’t see how you can leave the kids there if grandfather is already feeling confused and ashamed.
Quite separate from risk assessments, it would be awfully awkward for him to have your daughter around for days on end. He wouldn’t know where to look or how to speak to her- I’m pretty sure your daughter might notice that after a few days!

#67 Goldenash

Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:19 PM

I know so many friends (male) who are now so on alert about not doing the wrong thing or having kids or others think they are doing the wrong thing that they feel uncomfortable around any children that are not there own. Whilst we have made some small steps in trying to address or reduce abuse there is fallout and ramifications that I think have had a detrimental impact on the capacity of males to interact with children or young persons, particularly females.

Op for what it is worth in your situation I would want my mum to know but I would not, based on the info in this thread, do any more.

If you continue to be anxious you could try and talk to an expert but in my experience that are not going to be able to give you any more insight into what your father did or was thinking. I am not an expert, but I deal with them on the question of risk regularly. There is, alas, not some formula that they can plug into that will tell them definitively whether this is some secret code. They cannot do a proper risk assessment without meeting your father and I have never seen a risk assessment pass a comment based on the info you have (and I have seen hundreds).

Perhaps the only other thing you can do is make sure you have a conversation with your daughter about what to do if someone does make her feel uncomfortable or touch her in a way she may not like. I don't mean with any focus on your dad, I just mean in general. (Sorry this may have been suggested I just don't recall)




#68 born.a.girl

Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:23 PM

View PostMister Mum, on 08 January 2018 - 10:50 AM, said:

The reality is that any man with a pulse will notice a developing body, it's hard wired.  Often I've turned my head only to be confronted with a well developed 14 year old.  

It happens, it doesn't make us all sick or predators.  OP I'm glad you've got some peace of mind Posted Image

Nothing is hard wired or you'd fry in a scanning machine.

Do you really think women don't have their heads turned by an attractive body.

This thinking feeds into the idea that 'men can't help themselves' in other situations.

#69 Kreme

Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:40 PM

View PostMister Mum, on 08 January 2018 - 10:50 AM, said:

The reality is that any man with a pulse will notice a developing body, it's hard wired.  Often I've turned my head only to be confronted with a well developed 14 year old.  

It happens, it doesn't make us all sick or predators.  OP I'm glad you've got some peace of mind :)

Why do you turn your head? That’s not hard wired, even if ‘noticing’ is. You give yourself permission to obviously ogle women, regardless of their age or whether they welcome the attention. In my opinion that behaviour is disgusting and predatory. I have an acquaintance that turns his head every time a woman walks past and the rest of us, men and women, find it embarrassing and inappropriate.

#70 Gerbera2015

Posted 08 January 2018 - 08:44 PM

A teenage boy looks scrawny in general; a teenage girl has boobs, a waist and often wearing similar clothes to a young adult. To say a man shouldn’t notice is a bit odd. Me as a teenager had big boobs and lots of staring, I didn’t care. As an adult, I now look at a 12 year old and have to do a second or third take before I realise how young they are, I wore tshirt and boys boardshorts as a teenager most of the time. I think it’s perfecrly natural for any grandparent, uncle, aunty, brother/sister, friends etc to notice when a girl is suddenly grown up, often it isn’t noticed as it’s happening but on a look on day a sort of oh wow when did that happen moment. Sorry if I’m not making much sense I’m tired and half a bottle of wine down.

#71 Mollycoddle

Posted 08 January 2018 - 08:56 PM

View PostTiger Lilly, on 02 January 2018 - 06:18 PM, said:



I'm not usually one to make a big deal about nothing, but given what your dad has done (the emails etc). I would say no.


But what has he done? He hasn't done anything more than what he's admitted to as yet. It's probably happened to your own children, you just didn't get a memo about it.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 08 January 2018 - 09:00 PM.


#72 DebbieDoesSanta

Posted 08 January 2018 - 10:05 PM

I can guarantee any therapist will ask the OP what she feels in her gut and go from there.

That is worth more to the OP than any stranger's opinions.

#73 Mister Mum

Posted 09 January 2018 - 06:33 AM

Lawd, disgusting and predatory.  Really?  "Turn head" is just an expression, I suppose I mean I briefly notice, I don't go around staring.

Nothing is hard wired BAG?  Would you say that to a trans or gay person? Or does it only apply when it suits you? ;)

#74 Kreme

Posted 09 January 2018 - 07:51 AM

Lots of men turn their heads. They turn, they stare, they make sure the person they are staring at knows about it. They enjoy their discomfort, they enjoy the power.

Noticing and obviously looking are two separate things. If you acknowledge that looking only brings pleasure to you, and may cause distress to the person you are looking at, why would you continue to do it? Why would the first time you accidentally looked at a 14 year old not give you pause to stop and consider your behaviour? Instead you just blame biology and carry on. Disgusting and predatory are appropriate adjectives IMO.

#75 born.a.girl

Posted 09 January 2018 - 08:02 AM

View PostMister Mum, on 09 January 2018 - 06:33 AM, said:

Lawd, disgusting and predatory.  Really?  "Turn head" is just an expression, I suppose I mean I briefly notice, I don't go around staring.

Nothing is hard wired BAG?  Would you say that to a trans or gay person? Or does it only apply when it suits you? Posted Image

'Turn head' is an expression that doesn't literally mean 'I've often turned my head', which are the words you used.  If you've misused the phrase, then don't be surprised at people's responses.  Apologise, clarify.  Don't start with 'lawd ..'

I object to the phrase 'hard wired' because about the only context I've seen it used is heterosexual men defending their behaviours.

'Men are hard wired to ...' is a phrase I've read a thousand times with men justifying their behaviour, never in regard to trans or gay people.

I often wonder why we allow men into zoos, if their behaviour really is 'hard wired', must be difficult to resist the urge to hoist that bison over your shoulder and cart dinner home.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 
 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Viewed Articles

 
Advertisement
 
 
 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.