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Another child touching - what would you do? *trigger warning - mentions inappropriate touching*


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#1 crazy87

Posted 25 January 2018 - 12:26 PM

Last night during the bath routine my 4yo child told me that at daycare that day 'Mum, Tom touched this one' pointing to his genitals. Understandably I was a bit taken aback and asked was it in the toilets, did you tell the teacher etc. DS isn't very good at conveying his message so the most I could understand was it was in the toilets and when i said what did you do he told he runned away. He seems a bit disturbed by it because he kept telling me over and over and pointing, this one mum. I told him that wasn't a very nice thing for Tom to do and if he does it again you must tell the teacher.
He isn't a child that makes up stories so although toddler details can be a bit sketchy there must be some truth in it because he wouldn't have just fabricated the whole thing.

What else would you do? Should I say anything to the carers next week or not?

I wasn't prepared for this!

#2 seayork2002

Posted 25 January 2018 - 12:31 PM

Yes I would mention it but I would word it carefully - not sure how but more 'I feel I need to mention that XYZ happened'

#3 Seven of Nine

Posted 25 January 2018 - 12:36 PM

Yes, you need to speak to the carers.

Write down exactly what your son has told you so you can refer to it later. Then call the daycare and tell them you need to speak to the room leader and director about a delicate subject.

The carers will need to keep a closer eye on kids in the toilets and they will probably do some protective behaviours work with the kids.

I know how shocking this can be because a similar thing has happened to one of my kids at daycare. My son was shaken by it too, but the carers handled everything so well that he was very reassured. Please emphasize to your son that he did the right thing to tell you.

#4 SarahBelle48

Posted 25 January 2018 - 12:59 PM

Definitely raise it with the teachers. It may just have been something harmless but better to be safe than sorry.

#5 crazy87

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:01 PM

Thanks for your replies! I didn't want to overreact because I understand it can be difficult to be watching all the kids at once in the mayhem of toileting so thankyou for reassuring me I need to tell the room leader.
Great idea to write it down! There's a lot happening between today and next week.
He hasn't mentioned it again today so hopefully he got some closure last night about it. I won't mention to him again unless he does so as not to make it bigger in his mind?

#6 Future-self

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:04 PM

I'm assuming that Tom is another 3 or 4 year old?

Call the centre manager and and talk to them about it - they will then talk to the room staff. Ask whether they have a part of the curriculum talk about body autonomy etc

There;s some great books that you can read to your DS too that may help you both feel more comfortable. 'Everyone's got a bottom' is a good one and is recommended https://www.protecti...ones-got-bottom

Edited by Future-self, 25 January 2018 - 01:05 PM.


#7 Mmmcheese

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:04 PM

Yep, what sevenofnine said. I also read 'everyone's got a bottom' at home with my kid. It covers some protective behaviours. It's never too early to start. Well done on having the kind of relationship where your little one can talk to you about this stuff.

#8 Jingleflea

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:06 PM

You could role play with him as to what else he could do if something like that happens again if he brings up the subject again.

Such as saying "NO, I don't like that!" and then leaving the area and telling a carer.

#9 Chelli

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:39 PM

Another who would absolutely report it, and as a former child educator myself,  I agree with what Elle2k17 said.

I have also placed a trigger warning in the title.

#10 Hollycoddle

Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:51 PM

View Postcrazy87, on 25 January 2018 - 01:01 PM, said:

Thanks for your replies! I didn't want to overreact because I understand it can be difficult to be watching all the kids at once in the mayhem of toileting so thankyou for reassuring me I need to tell the room leader.


Yes, tell them.  I would expect that even at age 4, if more than one child needed to go to the toilet then a staff member should be supervising them.

#11 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:49 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 25 January 2018 - 01:51 PM, said:

Yes, tell them.  I would expect that even at age 4, if more than one child needed to go to the toilet then a staff member should be supervising them.

Actually no that's usually not possible.
Group of 22 and 2 staff.
Children go to the bathroom whenever they want, it opens off the playroom and has window .
Staff keep an ear out of course but you can't station one permanently in the bathroom

#12 Hollycoddle

Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:58 PM

View PostAnon100, on 25 January 2018 - 03:49 PM, said:


Staff keep an ear out of course but you can't station one permanently in the bathroom

Not permanently but perhaps hovering if there are a few children (maybe not just two but if ratios and whatever activity is going on allows).

#13 Lou-bags

Posted 25 January 2018 - 04:35 PM

I had a very similar scenario with DS1- also 4yo.

He told me ‘Mum, boy’s-name was trying to touch my doodle today!’ I asked where it happened (on the mat) and what he did (said ‘hey! Stop I don’t like it!’).

I phoned and spoke to his carer.

They’ve been doing protective behaviors in his room and apparently one or two of the boys have been a bit silly about it.

We had a staff member at the centre arrested and convicted of abusing the children there so I felt confident that they will take it as seriously as necessary and monitor the child involved.

As an aside, it’s brilliant your son was able to tell you what happened. So important. You’re obviously on the right track with an open honest relationship where he feels safe to tell you anything.

#14 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 25 January 2018 - 05:21 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 25 January 2018 - 03:58 PM, said:

Not permanently but perhaps hovering if there are a few children (maybe not just two but if ratios and whatever activity is going on allows).

Absolutely.
I just didn't want people getting the idea that it would be normal practice for a staff member to follow every child to the bathroom. Supervision is not eyes on everyone all the time, but it is definite awareness. (And I was rushing out to IKEA so was a little brief - thanks for expanding my thought bubble)

Having said that, children are geniuses at doing something when the adults aren't looking and it is so important we develop an atmosphere of trust where the children tell and have their concerns dealt with,

Sounds like this is what happened here. So having been told by your son now inform the centre.  Most usually at this stage it is not a red flag for serious abuse but it is important it be raised so staff are aware.
And it is serious that any part of your child's body was touched by someone else if he didn't want it to be. That's not OK.
It is important he be empowered to say No and make a fuss if anybody does something to him that he doesn't want.

"Stop. I don't like it" are magic words at our place.

#15 crazy87

Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:19 PM

Thanks everyone for your good suggestions! I will see if I can find that book

I ended contacted the director(who is actually on maternity leave but calls in a day or 2 every week) and she was really nice about. She hasn't heard of any incidents but was interested in what I had to say and said let the room leader know if he says any more about it and she will communicate with her. I would put her response at alert but not alarmed probably. She said yes kids are interested in things, and I do get that but this was a step too interested!
Before he goes back next week I might just reinforce the ' what to do ' steps you have suggested.
I am really glad and lucky that he told me!




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