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Our journey - crashing to a halt?


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#1 Lilith2112

Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:44 PM

Hi all

Probably posting in the wrong section, this should be an epic vent.

I am 42, DF 45.

Today was not a good day with our dr.  I am now peri-menopausal.

TTC#1, but I was hit with a near fatal bout of pneumonia in December which decimated my system.  I am nearly there, all tests are coming back on that front just OK, but hey, a trillion times better than they were.

We have an early pregnancy in our relationship of 20 years which wasn't viable.  That was fine!  We are in our 20s! We. Can, do, this.....

We travelled for our 20s/early 30s living overseas being young we are young at heart we can do anything.

Came back to Perth, I had a career which was fun, exciting, every day was different, I was the boss, I called the shots, in a great industry (the music industry).  DF still in the music industry, we have our own business, we have a nice house that is suitable to our needs.  No flashy cars, we can always travel, be it for 5 mins in the car to a park but we know how to appreciate things.

Have our rescue fur babies, gee aren't we great!

Yeah well, this TTC at 42 and getting the news today that my levels have dropped again to probably impossible has kicked my a*se.

I have made an emergency appointment with our FS for tomorrow.  I was in tears in her rooms today and she is only part time but has fit me in first thing.  I really really appreciate her.  

I have a great team behind me.  A great family.

What is going to fill this bloody gaping hole inside me.  I am bawling typing this as I am trying to explain to DF that I feel like a humongous failure today. I cannot control my body.  I feel like an idiot, travel could have come later.  The lovely job made me have a nervous breakdown and killled my adrenals and set off an "atomic bomb" throughout my system, depleting everything.

I am struggling now with having to have tests every few months to check on everything that the failure has done to my organs.

For what, fun?  A "cool" job.  Money?  Travel.

If you have got this far, thank you.  This is just rampaging through my head and I am sick today of keeping up the cheery me.  I have spent the afternoon in bed.  If I drank, I would be cuddling a bottle of vodka.  If I drank caffeine it would be coffee.  Instead I am drinking herbal tea and eyeing off a cherry ripe.

My psych who is wonderful is a wonderfully eccentric Russian who speaks 8 languages, travelled, loves Australia and gives me receipes from his late grandmother for her special teas.  He says he has seen many things happen that medicine cannot explain.

Hope.

xxxxx

#2 Sancti-claws

Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:49 PM

Oh Lilith honey.  I am sorry that you have had such a crappy day.

No words of wisdom - just you are heard and it is so very hard.

#3 AdelTwins

Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:55 AM

I'm sorry.

Is it the thought of actually carrying a child, or more the end result? Could you look at donated egg, surrogacy, etc.

Is fostering an option for you? There are lots of children waiting for loving parents.

#4 livelifelovehappy

Posted 11 May 2018 - 11:27 AM

This is so sh*tty! hugs to you!

You have done amazing things, you really have. It all sounds wonderful and amazing (not the job stress, obviously).

What goes into a life? It is so short and you have already packed so much in.

Another perspective: we travelled, I worked hard, had a "glamorous career" all of that. I had my two kids, and a lot of miscarriages. A LOT. IVF, traumatic birth etc, have ruined my health, I have severe endo, severe prolapse, I am an old lady. The last 8 years of my life have been all about fertility, babies, and ill health. It completely consumed me, and us. It took so much away from our happiness. Now we have closed that chapter, we are so happy. Lighter. Able to have our relationship be fun again.

My career is dead. I am unemployable after 8 years away from my industry, and studying to start over at 38. It's very disheartening if I chose to look at it that way. I gave so, so much away to have those babies. Almost everything! I now look at what I do have, my beautiful family, friends, where I live, joy of the everyday, and I have so much. It's really about looking at what you have, not what you don't that has changed my perspective.

The wanting of a child is a horrible, aching hole. I completely sympathise. It is so easy to be utterly consumed by that and not see anything else, and there are many other things that matter too.

You do have a lot in your life that can fulfil you in other ways. You have what sounds like a happy, very long relationship, you must have a lot of love and such beautiful foundations from all those adventures together. Beautiful memories and more to come. You have a lovely home. You have your freedom. These are all hugely positive things. You've had the strength to leave an unhealthy career and now you can do anything.

This isnt as eloquent as I'd hoped. I've just been sucked into that baby wanting black hole, and lost sight of everything else, I know how it feels. hugs to you.

Edited by livelifelovehappy, 11 May 2018 - 11:28 AM.


#5 zaza5

Posted 13 May 2018 - 10:18 AM

hello - i hear you too. it is true that much happens that medicine can not explain. listen to your FS, follow their advice and hope. i got very good advice from mine (was 39) which really helped. be kind to yourself and your body. I will hope for you

#6 nup

Posted 13 May 2018 - 11:19 AM

Lilith I'm sending you a huge hug cos it's all I can do. Life really can suck and all the emptiness of our biggest stumbles can really suck any goodness from us. Let out the sadness and look after yourself.

#7 Lilith2112

Posted 15 May 2018 - 01:28 PM

Thank you all very very very much, I am only responding now as its taking a bit to all take in.

I am a rather stoic person and not given to weeping fits or anything however went to see a favourite band the other night and out of 30000 people, he held my hand to sing a song.  Wow.  Made me smile.

Livelive - thank you that was beautiful.  Absolutely lovely thoughts and said beautifully.  

Adeltwins - we are researching what options we have, I would do anything to help others.  

Everyone else, including nup especially because I tend to always nod my head in agreement with anything said by you :) you are all stars

xxxx . ps will update as time progresses, not giving up hope, but we are realistic.  I know this is gushy, but I really love DF and honestly, if he can wipe my bum of sh*t when I am in hospital and still go on this journey with me that is called life, well, what is love:) :p




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