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Pregnant with second twin after stillborn
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Posted 04 June 2018 - 01:47 PM
I was hoping someone may have some help on moving forward with my pregnancy.
My beautiful Hope born sleeping at 22.5wks I’m still pregnant with her sister.
The struggle between my grief and staying strong is really tough , I cry & I hurt I’m broken how do I find the strength to give to my unborn little girl.
I know I should be grateful I’m having almost another chance even though it’s a waiting game for her each day at the moment.
Any support or experience welcome.
Blessing to all those who have lost
Posted 04 June 2018 - 02:03 PM
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am in a different situation, but I lost my daughter aged 14 months, and was 10 weeks pregnant at the time, so I understand what its like to be grieving while carrying another child. It is incredibly difficult and it is hard for others to understand the conflict between grieving what is lost, while still being grateful for what is to come.
I tell myself that right now, my unborn baby needs very little from me. It is totally OK to focus on grieving and cry as much as you like. Don't look too far into the future, that will fall into place when it needs to. I sort of 'ignored' my pregnancy for a couple of months, and it is only now that I am able to feel a bit more anticipation and happiness.
I hope you have lots of support around you, it is such a hard situation to be in.
Posted 27 August 2018 - 09:10 AM
OP I have nothing constructive to offer but just wanted to acknowledge the arrival of your beautiful Hope and offer my condolences on your loss.
If you contact the Multiple Birth Associations they will be able to offer your support and resources in dealing with this very situation.
As one twin Mum to another you've been heard and your daughter is welcomed and honoured.
Posted 27 August 2018 - 11:02 AM
I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. I’m so so so sorry to hear this is happening to you. X
Posted 27 August 2018 - 06:52 PM
Oh my goodness I am so sorry you lost little Hope.
I don’t have any answers at all, I am just so very sorry x
Posted 27 August 2018 - 07:31 PM
I'm so sorry you lost Hope.
I'm not sure whether you want to read it but Swans player Gary Rohan and his wife Amie had twins not long ago where their daughter passed away shortly after birth from a condition they'd known about since early in the pregnancy.
They released a statement at the time that I personally thought was beautifully written.
Posted 27 August 2018 - 07:33 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It is not right and you can feel whatever emotion you want to feel right now. She was wanted and will be forever part of your life as well as her sister's life. There is not a right or wrong response in this. It is what it is and don't hold your self to a standard at all.
This grief you are feeling is ok and the new normal has to set its course, which the timing is absolutely in your court. You are allowed to grieve Hope now and until you are reunited with her. No one can tell you to move on or how to move on and just get over it. She will be with you always and always be part of you, your new daughter to come and your partner.
I would recommend to see a specialised Grief counsellor perhaps dealing with neonatal loss. You need to get out what you need to get out and bottling that up can cause more pain. Perhaps make that appointment and take that up and see which ones come recommended in your area. Usually the hospital has great recommendations for these.
Also it is ok to look forward to your new daughter's arrival in those moments, it does not mean you have forgotten Hope ever.
You are not alone here and I hope and pray of a smooth arrival of your daughter to come. Sending you strength. xo
Posted 27 August 2018 - 11:58 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I also lost a twin during pregnancy although earlier on.
The grief really consumed me but for me at least once my baby was born I could move forward. 2.5 years ago since she was born. It still pains me to see twins though. Part of the grief will never go away I don't think.
The remainder of the pregnancy was really tough for me. I was a mess. My remaining baby had her own medical concerns and my emotions and anxiety were heightened. When my OB told me she would have to be born early, it was the biggest relief to finally have the pregnancy come to an end.
Posted 28 August 2018 - 04:27 AM
Twinmimma11 I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been through a similar but different situation of losing my baby girl at 22+6 weeks, then falling pregnant shortly afterwards with my now newborn son. It is an extremely difficult experience and not many people will truly understand the grief you are feeling. Some things that helped me and I would really recommend are:
- consider having a funeral or service for your beautiful Hope, if you haven’t already, and invite close friends and family. It is important to acknowledge that you have experienced an immense loss - the loss of your daughter, a sister, the way you pictured your little family and the hopes and dreams you had for all of you together. Give yourself permission to grieve for Hope however you feel you need to. It is really difficult for your friends and family to understand or to know what to do or say in this situation but having a funeral is a way for you all to acknowledge the loss of your beautiful girl and to get them to come on this journey with you. It will make you feel less isolated and give people who want to reach out to you but don’t know how, an opportunity to do so.
- Make as many memories as you can with Hope. Not sure how long ago you lost Hope but things you could do would include having photos/scans printed and framed or making a photo book, lighting a candle for her every day, getting flowers for her every week, writing down your memories of her in hospital, visiting her often, setting up a place in the house that is hers for you to remember and acknowledge her and talk to her sister about her.
- If you have a partner, try to just take the time to sit and talk together every day about how you are feeling or anything at all. Keep checking in with each other.
- Join a Pregnancy After Loss Group if there is one in your area. If you are in Sydney, please PM me and I can give you some contacts. If you are not but need help finding someone, please also PM me and I’ll try to find support for you in your area. Your obstetric social worker from hospital may also have contacts. I met people here that understood what I was going through and found it to be invaluable for ongoing support during the pregnancy.
- Go to see a grief counselor, with your partner if possible/applicable, even if you don’t think it will help or is necessary. Try to find one that has dealt with pregnancy loss before. You can get a mental health plan from your GP to help subsidize the visits but they may still be costly. If you don’t connect with the first person you see, please try someone else. Once again, if you are in Sydney, PM me for a recommendation.
- there are resources online I found to be helpful including Red Nose Grief and Loss https://rednosegriefandloss.com.au , SANDS http://www.sands.org.au and Bears Of Hope http://www.bearsofhope.org.au . The stillbirth foundation https://stillbirthfo...org.au/support/ may also be useful for you.
- Download a meditation app eg Headspace, Calm and do it daily, once again even if you don’t think it will help.
- Acknowledge that when you are making time to grieve for Hope, it is the same as if you were having to divide your attention between your two girls. Sometimes one twin will have to wait because the other needs you more. At the moment, Hope needs you. The time will come when your other girl will need you more and Hope will have to wait her turn too.
- This pregnancy will be tough, really tough, and you will have so many ups and downs with Hope’s sister. But you are an amazingly strong woman and you will get through this. Take it day by day and acknowledge small milestones and small victories.
- Make sure you have a medical team that you trust and will support you well. If you don’t feel well supported, it is not too late to make other arrangements. If you have access to a Maternal-Foetal Medicine Specialist (MFM) - an OBGYN that has done further training in management of high risk pregnancies - consider contacting one. Once agin, if you need contacts, PM for recommendations. Both public and private will have MFMs.
If you would like to chat sometime or need any advice, please feel free to contact me. Sending so much love to you, little Hope and your family 💖 Will be thinking of you all
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