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Best & worst things about having baby #2, over 40?
11 replies to this topic
Posted 09 June 2018 - 01:17 PM
At the pointy end of deciding whether to try for #2.
DD is 18 months. I'm 41.
What are the key pros and cons you've faced having a second one over 40?
(Appreciate that the age gap won't be huge, and while many of the considerations I had at 39 will be the same at 41, what difference will it make having a toddler in the mix?)
Posted 09 June 2018 - 05:09 PM
I was 40 when I had my first and 41 for my second (20 months between them).
I found it really hard physically and mentally - neither of them were great sleepers and I was exhausted and sleep deprived for many years.
They are delightful (and challenging) and best friends (and worst enemies).
I would have been happy with one, but I ended up with two. My life would be simpler with just one and my career would have taken less of a hit.
But honestly? Despite any pros or cons, you just have to decide whether you want to try for another.
Posted 09 June 2018 - 07:19 PM
Yes, I am torn.
DD is 100% delightful. A mostly brilliant sleeper. And even if I got another like her, I know it's physically taxing. The pregnancy, the birth and the first few years.
The potential sibling love/lack is also playing on my mind....
Posted 09 June 2018 - 07:37 PM
I’m 40 and I think i’m too old for #3. I’ve been tempted, though. Maybe if I hadn’t had a lot of fertility issues I might have tried for a third. I agonised over a second but I knew deep down I wanted another. Do you? Or is it about a desire to give your baby a sibling? If that’s the case, only children do really well. They don’t ‘need’ a sibling. But if you always wanted two - and it’s just the baby years and feeling tired that you’re concerned about - then go for it. My kids are 5 and 8 now and so much easier. I also feel my career is back on track and that i’ve caught up to where I was pre-kids.
Posted 09 June 2018 - 08:15 PM
There's no guarantee siblings will get along.
Have a baby for YOU, not as a playmate for your DD.
Posted 09 June 2018 - 09:53 PM
I'm 40 and expecting # 4...so I'll let you know when it arrives.
I've got a huge age gap. I had my first 3 in my very early 20s so there will be a 20 year age gap between my first and this one. It feels like starting all over again.
Posted 12 June 2018 - 10:47 AM
I gave birth to number four shortly before my 41st birthday. I find it full on and quite tiring. There will be certainly no more for this family. Very much over the baby, toddler stage with all of the trappings.
Posted 12 June 2018 - 11:09 AM
If the potential sibling lack/love is playing on your mind now, it will for the rest of your life.
if you are mentally/physically/financially able....i say go for it!
my view differs from the above....i say don't think of you so much...but of your 18mth old. focusing on others' well being (within reason of course) always has the knock on effect of improving my own well being/fulfilment.
anyway that is one opinion. there will be many opposing.
best of luck
Posted 21 June 2018 - 12:41 PM
I chose not to have a second child after starting late in my early 40's, I wasn't in the right place mentally or physically until dd was about 5 and I knew instinctively that it wouldn't have been a good idea to conceive again.
As a pp said, make the decision about you, what you want, what you think you could manage, because it's you who will be pregnant and all that comes after that.
I also factored in that if I had another child I may not cope as well and may not be as available for dd.
Posted 21 June 2018 - 01:14 PM
Ability to cope with sleep deprivation would be key for me. Impact on ability to work, save for retirement, financially support second child. These would be the practical things I would consider.
It might not be popular to say, but I also considered what might happen if we had a child with a disability due to my advanced age when conceiving. That's also a very personal factor that may or may not be relevant to you.
Lots of good reasons to have a sibling for your first child and of course the heart wants what the heart wants.
Posted 27 September 2018 - 05:59 AM
Just posting an update.
Decided to have a few last cracks at the cherry (is that even a saying?) And here we are 5 weeks pregnant.
Very mixed emotions, but ultimately happy.
FTR, I'm now 41.
Posted 27 September 2018 - 08:32 AM
Congratulations! All the best for an uneventful pregnancy.
FWIW, I had my third child at 42, and it was my easiest pregnancy and best birth experience. DD3 is a great sleeper and all-around pretty chill child. Also, I LOVE the relationship she has with her big sister (there’s a big brother too, but he’s six years older again). It warms my heart on a daily basis to see them playing and learning together.
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