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How would you feel about your child meeting it’s bio mum?


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#1 Starlight18

Posted 14 June 2018 - 07:24 AM

From what I have read about donor conceived adults. It’s pretty much a given they are going to want to meet their biological parent and half siblings. How would you feel about your child forming a close bond to their biological mother? To be honest, I’m struggling to want to use a donor egg for this reason.

#2 Mpjp is feral

Posted 14 June 2018 - 07:54 AM

I have adopted kids so I know it’s different, but honestly I would be thrilled for my kids to meet their bio parents and if they wanted, to form a relationship with them.

Now I am a Mum I know that no other relationship my kids have is going to change that. Their other mum is also their Mum - but that doesn’t change my relationship with them.

Also I have been there to witness their pain and loss in not know their bio family and I would do anything to take that away or make it better. If a relationship with their first family would do that, then why would I, as their mother not want that for them.

I know it’s complex, just thought I’d share how I feel.

Good luck.

#3 Illiterati

Posted 14 June 2018 - 08:43 AM

I think when your child becomes an adult you’d want them to have as many kind and compassionate people in their lives as possible.  Someone who would donate the gift of an egg so you could have a child would fall into that category.



#4 molinero

Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:19 AM

I have no personal experience in this matter, but I echo what Illeterati has said in terms of having more people to live in your life as being a positive thing.

It's definitely not the same, but I guess it's similar to your child having a stepparent. That is a whole other relationship with another person that they get to have. When it goes well it is only going to enrich their life.

Of course you are entitled to feel emotions about future donor relationships, but honestly I think this is something that can be overcome, in the same way that ppl from other types of blended families will find a way to deal with their conflicting emotions.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

#5 Romeo Void

Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:26 AM

We went known and dived right in. I made my mind up to place the  focus on my childs needs and not my own...it made it easier for me.  Any reserve or discomfort I felt was put aside for my daughters needs.  Everything I'd read suggested a child does better when their history is known.  In our case it's worked out magnificently, I know it doesn't always, but I was very very comfortable with the people who offered to be our donors (life long friend and another close friend, we used egg and sperm donors)

ps I also made my mind up that the more people in this world who loved my daughter the better.  It's tricky in the early days, when she was newborn, I struggled with 'do I feel like her mother or not' and feeling weird about 'ownership' of my daughter.  When her donor mum would hold her it would feel weird...but that passed and now I'm 100% cool. Once again, it was a 'me' thing not a 'daughter' thing so I let it go for her sake, her benefit.    I now also have a bio son (I know...go figure LOL) so if you have any questions about bio vs donor child, feel free to ask. :)

Edited by Romeo Void, 14 June 2018 - 09:32 AM.


#6 Jingleflea

Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:28 AM

I don't think anything can replace the bond a child has with their primary caregiver.

They might donate an egg, but you would have changed all the nappies, done the feeding, gotten up in the night for them when they have a bad dream or are sick, you're the one who's comforted them through breakups and loss. You would be the parent, they won't ever (I think) replace that.

And if you use a donated egg and get pregnant you've grown that baby, you've carried it and birthed it. You are it's mother.

#7 NikiOne

Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:44 AM

We have 2 children conceived from donor eggs. We did not know our donor before she offered to donate to us but she is now a friend. The kids see her regularly and play with her children. They are too young to understand much yet (under 3) but the eldest treats the donor very similarly to how she treats my sister i.e. she is a significant adult in her life who she likes very much and drags around the playground. It is very clear however that the donor (or my sister for that matter) is not her mum - she is way cooler lol, but also not the person she runs to when she hurts herself. We have been telling our eldest about her donor since she started talking (youngest doesn't talk yet) so it is something they will always be aware of.
I understand your concerns but the reality for us has been very smooth and incredibility rewarding. I really enjoy having somebody else in our lives. Our donor and I often compare physical features in our kids and look for similarities, but I don't find that confronting in any way.
Our donor views the donation as a gift of cells and does not consider our kids as in any way hers. I also see it this way but in no way want to down play the significance of the gift. It is very important to make sure that your donor is suitable and doesn't feel that any children are hers or feel any responsibility for them beyond making a careful decision to donate.

#8 steppy

Posted 14 June 2018 - 10:07 AM

It would depend on the mum!

#9 Starlight18

Posted 14 June 2018 - 05:40 PM

Thank you for the replies. The egg donor wouldn’t be known to me and I’d be getting the egg overseas. It’s a lot to take in. :)

#10 Soontobegran

Posted 14 June 2018 - 05:49 PM

I have only had experience with patients I have cared for who have had egg donation and your concern was voiced by many of them but I think that we need to understand the loving bond we have with the children who grow up in our home is hard to improve on and an adult child who wishes to meet their bio mum will rarely ever develop another relationship the same as yours.

I personally would not let that thought get in the way of me having egg donation but we are all just that bit different.

Many good wishes whatever you decide.

#11 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:01 PM

View PostJenflea, on 14 June 2018 - 09:28 AM, said:

I don't think anything can replace the bond a child has with their primary caregiver.

They might donate an egg, but you would have changed all the nappies, done the feeding, gotten up in the night for them when they have a bad dream or are sick, you're the one who's comforted them through breakups and loss. You would be the parent, they won't ever (I think) replace that.

And if you use a donated egg and get pregnant you've grown that baby, you've carried it and birthed it. You are it's mother.
agree with this. You have done the hard yards as Mum. And by choosing a donor egg, you are actively choosing to be Mum too.

While your child may wish to eventually meet their bio-Mum, that will not erase or diminish the existing mother-child relationship you have with your child. It will still remain and it will be the primary parental relationship.

View PostIlliterati, on 14 June 2018 - 08:43 AM, said:

I think when your child becomes an adult you’d want them to have as many kind and compassionate people in their lives as possible.  Someone who would donate the gift of an egg so you could have a child would fall into that category.
agree with this too.

You have said that the potential donor is from overseas and is anonymous. For those reasons, it might mean that connecting with the donor may not happen until your child is much much older too (think adult), if it happens at all.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 14 June 2018 - 06:02 PM.


#12 jojonbeanie

Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:49 PM

I asked my donor if we could have a portrait photo taken of them because when our child inevitably wanted to see what their egg donor looked like I wanted her to look as beautiful as possible in their first glimpse of her. It is weird at the begining of the journey to not know what the relationship with this person will be. They might have very little to fo with your child, or they might develop a close and complex relationship. You need to be open to embracing all the possibilities.

#13 ekbaby

Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:57 PM

We used a known sperm donor to have kids (same sex couple). When I was TTC/pregnant I felt a bit of concern/worry about the donor and genetic family members involvement...not that I had reason to worry or any red flags, but I was quite firm on boundaries. Our oldest kid is nearly 10 now and I welcome contact with the donor and his family. It is great for the kid to know there are no secrets or surprises. Like a PP said our donor has a “cool” factor similar to an uncle that is boring parents can’t replicate but that’s ok.

#14 Mpjp is feral

Posted 15 June 2018 - 04:57 PM

View PostYodaTheWrinkledOne, on 14 June 2018 - 06:01 PM, said:



You have said that the potential donor is from overseas and is anonymous. For those reasons, it might mean that connecting with the donor may not happen until your child is much much older too (think adult), if it happens at all.

Your thoughts about this could change too. Now I’ve seen the pain of (one of my kids in particular) I’m not knowing anything about her bio family it now really bothers me that I can’t give her what she needs.

#15 Starlight18

Posted 15 June 2018 - 06:25 PM

Hi, I meant I wouldn’t be using a donor egg from a friend or family ie known to me. The donor wouldn’t be anonymous which is why I posted this thread about the baby meeting her.

Update : I have been looking into the thoughts of donor conceived adults and it has caused me to have a serious rethink. I now realise this option isn’t the right one for me and I won’t be pursuing it any further.

Thank you for all your advice and wish you all the best with your babies. :)

#16 alek2019

Posted 08 January 2020 - 06:41 PM

View PostStarlight18, on 14 June 2018 - 07:24 AM, said:

From what I have read about donor conceived adults. It’s pretty much a given they are going to want to meet their biological parent and half siblings. How would you feel about your child forming a close bond to their biological mother? To be honest, I’m struggling to want to use a donor egg for this reason.

Thanks for posting this - it's nice to see different opinions.  In my case, I think I would be scared at the thought.  But we each have our own thoughts on the matter.  I guess that is why we have the option to choose known or anonymous donors.  With anonymous donors, the doors are closed, so the kid has no choice.

#17 IamzFeralz

Posted 08 January 2020 - 07:21 PM

View Postalek2019, on 08 January 2020 - 06:41 PM, said:

Thanks for posting this - it's nice to see different opinions.  In my case, I think I would be scared at the thought.  But we each have our own thoughts on the matter.  I guess that is why we have the option to choose known or anonymous donors.  With anonymous donors, the doors are closed, so the kid has no choice.

In this day and age of genetic DNA testing the door isn’t closed at all. There is a decent chance when the child is an adult they can find at the least relatives of their bio mother.  DNA databases are worldwide in their scope these days.

#18 IamOzgirl

Posted 08 January 2020 - 07:46 PM

View Postalek2019, on 08 January 2020 - 06:41 PM, said:



Thanks for posting this - it's nice to see different opinions.  In my case, I think I would be scared at the thought.  But we each have our own thoughts on the matter.  I guess that is why we have the option to choose known or anonymous donors.  With anonymous donors, the doors are closed, so the kid has no choice.

Australia does not allow closed door donor of sperm or egg.  

The donor must (even OS) be willing to be contacted in the future.

I am not allowed to track down the donor of the sperm I purchased until the child is 18. Ie an adult.

Australia can’t control reporting lines. But they can’t get upset if the offspring  tracks them down.

#19 melanieb530

Posted 09 January 2020 - 09:24 AM

The more people that love and show an interest in my children the better. Kids are entitled to know their biological families and it’s perfectly OK to have more than one Mum or more than one Dad, many people do (in various different forms).

#20 alek2019

Posted 17 January 2020 - 10:45 AM

View PostIamzFeralz, on 08 January 2020 - 07:21 PM, said:

In this day and age of genetic DNA testing the door isn’t closed at all. There is a decent chance when the child is an adult they can find at the least relatives of their bio mother.  DNA databases are worldwide in their scope these days.

That's amazing!  Is this tech ready now?  I don't really know if I want my kid poking around the donor's families.

#21 alek2019

Posted 17 January 2020 - 10:54 AM

View PostIamOzgirl, on 08 January 2020 - 07:46 PM, said:

Australia does not allow closed door donor of sperm or egg.  

The donor must (even OS) be willing to be contacted in the future.

I am not allowed to track down the donor of the sperm I purchased until the child is 18. Ie an adult.

Australia can’t control reporting lines. But they can’t get upset if the offspring  tracks them down.

That is true.  In my case, my donor was anonymous.  I wonder if Cyprus keeps data on all their donors?

#22 alek2019

Posted 17 January 2020 - 10:58 AM

View Postmelanieb530, on 09 January 2020 - 09:24 AM, said:

The more people that love and show an interest in my children the better. Kids are entitled to know their biological families and it’s perfectly OK to have more than one Mum or more than one Dad, many people do (in various different forms).

Hi Melanie, I just can't help thinking of the possibility that the donor might be a source of problems.  I wouldn't want to complicate my kid's life if that's the case.

#23 alwayshappy

Posted 17 January 2020 - 11:04 AM

alek2019, if you are someone who has or will be using donor gametes, it sounds like you still have a lot of research and soul searching to do.

Nothing is anonymous any more. More than that, given what we know about adoptees and donor conceived adults feelings, their social parents should gbe doing absolutely everything they can to support their rleationship with their biological parents and extended family.

Using anonymous gametes to try and circumvent a person's knowledge about their genetic heritage is unethical and cruel. There is no reason anyone should do this to someone they will profess to love.

#24 Froyohoho

Posted 17 January 2020 - 11:18 AM

It was always the plan for my children to know their biological mothers and half siblings if we'd had success.

#25 Oriental lily

Posted 17 January 2020 - 11:44 AM

alek2019 they are solving old criminal cold cases via DNA   data bases now . They do DNA ‘maps’ from the DNA
left at the crime scene . Even if the actual criminal is not in the data base . Even third cousins ect can be red flag to help track blood relatives down .

i imagine when your child hits adulthood the data base will be even bigger and these DNA maps leading to family trees will be even more complete .

its something you need to prepare for .

ANON donors just don’t exist anymore . Choice does not come in to it .


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