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How would you feel about your child meeting it’s bio mum?


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#26 babybug15

Posted 17 January 2020 - 11:45 AM

View Postalek2019, on 17 January 2020 - 10:45 AM, said:

That's amazing!  Is this tech ready now?  I don't really know if I want my kid poking around the donor's families.

Friends bought in sperm from a US clinic- they only had the donor number and clinic name. They later found online a group of other parents who had used the same donor... including another family in Australia. They have met up with their child's "dibling" and have a relationship with other donor families. Generally it has been a positive for them.

I know an older person who was adopted and found their bio family through DNA testing databases as they found their adoption records were lost when they went through the "offical" channels. It has been a very positive thing for them and their biological family. Their adoptive parents were always very open about the fact they were adopted, so were supportive when they started looking.

I also know a donor conceived person (also with no records- because in the 80s noone thought about keeping them) who has tried to do the same through the various DNA testing databases, but hasn't had any matches.

Both of these friends don't love the families or parents that raised them any less because they don't share genetics.

If you "don't want your kid poking around the donor's family" you shouldn't be using donor gamates. There's a reason why anonymous donation and adoption is not permitted in Australia- years of research has shown it's in the best interests of donor conceived and adopted people to have the option to find out about their genetic history should they want to when they reach adulthood.

#27 Romeo Void

Posted 17 January 2020 - 12:51 PM

It's very easy to trace biological parents through DNA since Ancestry DNA and all those sites have started offering tests.  If anyone genetically related to the donor puts their DNA on one of the sites it will very likely show a close match, from that point it's easy detective work to narrow down who in the family it was.
A lot of crimes are being solved by matching DNA with families. Naughty Bill might think he's got a way with it, but his sister curious Mary did a DNA search...so they work out who he is from her DNA.

#28 just roses

Posted 17 January 2020 - 10:11 PM

Alek2019, have you done any research into the experiences of donor conceived people? They absolutely *should* have the choice to be able to discover their genetic history. For a whole variety of reasons. That doesn’t detract from your role as a parent. But it is extremely important that they have a right to know. It’s worrying for your future children that you seem quite ignorant of this.

#29 WaitForMe

Posted 17 January 2020 - 10:39 PM

Both my step siblings were adopted, and maybe coincidentally, both decided to track down their bio parents around the time they were each getting married. I suspect as they started to think about starting a family of their own, they grew curious.

In both cases, their adopted parents are still very much their parents. For one of them, their bio dad never wanted the child adopted out and never had any other kids so he was over the moon and they have a wonderful close relationship. It was just more family, not replacing family, in much the same way as having more than one child doesn't replace your love for your first child.

In the other sibling, they started out getting along really well but then the bio mum did something to upset my step sibling and never forgave her. Just cut the bio mum out, relationship over. I thought it was interesting. Although it was big, it wasn't the sort of one off incident you'd cut out a family member. So from what I could see the bio mum never really made it to 'family member' status, if that makes sense.

Edited by WaitForMe, 17 January 2020 - 10:41 PM.


#30 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 17 January 2020 - 11:47 PM

View Postjust roses, on 17 January 2020 - 10:11 PM, said:

Alek2019, have you done any research into the experiences of donor conceived people? They absolutely *should* have the choice to be able to discover their genetic history. For a whole variety of reasons. That doesn’t detract from your role as a parent. But it is extremely important that they have a right to know. It’s worrying for your future children that you seem quite ignorant of this.

absolutely this. biology matters. it is important.


#31 Murderino

Posted 18 January 2020 - 05:03 PM

View PostRomeo Void, on 17 January 2020 - 12:51 PM, said:

It's very easy to trace biological parents through DNA since Ancestry DNA and all those sites have started offering tests.  If anyone genetically related to the donor puts their DNA on one of the sites it will very likely show a close match, from that point it's easy detective work to narrow down who in the family it was.
A lot of crimes are being solved by matching DNA with families. Naughty Bill might think he's got a way with it, but his sister curious Mary did a DNA search...so they work out who he is from her DNA.

It’s how they first narrowed in on the Golden State Killer last year (or 2018).

#32 Dirty Cat

Posted 18 January 2020 - 06:20 PM

Surely it is about the child and not the parent

Even as a parent of your own bio child there is no guarantee that your child will like you and want a relationship with you once they are an adult.

#33 countrychic29

Posted 18 January 2020 - 07:52 PM

I believe the love you give your child on a day to day basis is no comparison to a older child/teenager having sporadic contact with a donor

FWIW - I recently found out an extended family member who we have always know was donor (sperm) conceived doesnt actually know herself that she was - and still doesn’t, the rest of family didn’t realise it was a secret until she declared she wanted genetic testing and her mum told her not necessary ( testing due to her father, 2 x uncles and an Aunty have died of cancer before 55)
So whatever you do please just be honest, the thought of being in your late 30s and not knowing your biology is incomprehensible

#34 Romeo Void

Posted 18 January 2020 - 08:04 PM

View Postcountrychic29, on 18 January 2020 - 07:52 PM, said:



I recently found out an extended family member who we have always know was donor (sperm) conceived doesnt actually know herself that she was - and still doesn’t, the rest of family didn’t realise it was a secret until she declared she wanted genetic testing and her mum told her not necessary ( testing due to her father, 2 x uncles and an Aunty have died of cancer before 55)
So whatever you do please just be honest, the thought of being in your late 30s and not knowing your biology is incomprehensible
Wow...how are they thinking they can keep this a secret in this day and age :huh:

#35 countrychic29

Posted 18 January 2020 - 08:11 PM

View PostRomeo Void, on 18 January 2020 - 08:04 PM, said:

Wow...how are they thinking they can keep this a secret in this day and age :huh:

We thought it was a known fact, I’ve known as long as I can remember and this poor girl who is my age, doesn’t know - I can think of at least 50ppl that know
When I recently found out she didn’t, I have started lobbying for someone closer to her to tell her - you can’t keep it a secret!

#36 IamzFeralz

Posted 18 January 2020 - 08:36 PM

View Postcountrychic29, on 18 January 2020 - 08:11 PM, said:

We thought it was a known fact, I’ve known as long as I can remember and this poor girl who is my age, doesn’t know - I can think of at least 50ppl that know
When I recently found out she didn’t, I have started lobbying for someone closer to her to tell her - you can’t keep it a secret!

That is shocking that so many people know and she doesn’t.

I know of a couple of people who were not told they were adopted.  They found out by accident as adults and in both cases they cut contact with the parents, as the deception damaged the relationship greatly.

#37 alek2019

Posted 27 January 2020 - 01:06 PM

View PostIamzFeralz, on 18 January 2020 - 08:36 PM, said:

That is shocking that so many people know and she doesn’t.

I know of a couple of people who were not told they were adopted.  They found out by accident as adults and in both cases they cut contact with the parents, as the deception damaged the relationship greatly.

Hello ladies, I'm so sorry to have offended you from my comments.  My husband and I have every intention of telling our boy.  He is still over a year old now.

#38 alek2019

Posted 27 January 2020 - 01:13 PM

View PostLucrezia Bauble, on 17 January 2020 - 11:47 PM, said:

absolutely this. biology matters. it is important.

I'm dearly sorry for my comment earlier.  I have to rethink my position.  I feel like such a bad mom now.

#39 *Spikey*

Posted 27 January 2020 - 01:24 PM

If you are looking for more information on how these things affect our children, you could look at the resources for adoptive families.

FWIW, my DD would like to know - but isn't able to. At her request, we've put her DNA out there, just in case one day we find some close relatives.

As it happens, a person who did not know who her dad was, was able to track that down to my family - and with a bit of digging, we could pinpoint the guy responsible. He wasn't interested in a relationship with her, but she now has more aunties and cousins, which isn't a bad thing.

#40 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 27 January 2020 - 02:18 PM

Just to give my experience as an adoptee, I now know and have great relationships with both my bio parents.  I found them when I was in my mid 30's.

My parents are my parents.  I cannot state that enough.  My relationship with my bio-mum is a bit like an aunt or good family friend.  She is in no way 'my mother', but I feel lucky to have her in my life.  Same for my bio-father.

Nothing can break the bond between me and my PARENTS - the ones that did everything for me as a baby, who put up with the challenges of my teenage years, and all that has come since.

They also get on very well with my bio-parents, and have been very open to it all.  I'm sure they had their worries in the begining, but I love them even more for opening their door to these 'strangers' for me, and it has worked out very well for us all - which I really put down to mum and dad being accepting and taking the risk.

I wish all of you with donor children all the best.  I am one of the lucky ones, with a bigger extended family.  But if I can put your minds at rest just a little - trust in the love your children have for you, regardless of the biology of their makeup.  They are your children, and for many years you may be the only parents they know.  Don't make it a competition if other 'parents' come into their lives.  Trust the loving relationship you have and open it up to accept more.

#41 Romeo Void

Posted 27 January 2020 - 02:40 PM

For those who don't know how to broach the idea with your small children, I'll tell you how we did it.  I got onto one of those photo book generator apps and made a story book. Along the lines of (greatly shortened and very rough). Once upon a time a boy and a girl fell in love. They so desperately wanted a baby so they tried and tried and tried. They couldn't work out why they didn't have a baby and were sooo sad. They went to their lovely Dr and said 'Dr why can't we have a baby'. And he shook his head and said sadly 'I'm sorry but you are going to need a special miracle'.  They left so disheartened and when they got home they hugged and cried 'oh why can't we have a baby of our own'.  Then something wonderfully magic happened! Some friends came together and said 'we will help you'....and on and on it goes.  I wrote it like a fairytale and I'd read it to her whenever she'd ask.  She's always known since she was tiny that she's extra lucky as she has an 'egg mummy' and a 'seed daddy'. I know they're not the right terms, I was aiming it for a toddler LOL.  Anyway lots of kids around our way have step mums and dads so multiple parents was an easy concept for her to get. She feels a bit special (in a good way) to be honest.
Hope that helps :)

Lots of photos and short easy to understand sentences.


I'll add that 12 months later I had to add a chapter as I found myself suddenly pregnant (naturally!) with her brother.  Chapter 2 is all about how much she wanted a brother or sister and how on her 1st birthday (when I found out I was PG) she blew out her candle and wished for a brother.  So he got his own special chapter LOL.

Edited by Romeo Void, 27 January 2020 - 04:04 PM.


#42 Not Escapin Xmas

Posted 27 January 2020 - 03:46 PM

View Postalek2019, on 27 January 2020 - 01:13 PM, said:

I'm dearly sorry for my comment earlier.  I have to rethink my position.  I feel like such a bad mom now.

Try not to beat yourself up. You learn new things all the time on EB, mostly for the better! (like this :) )

#43 steppy

Posted 27 January 2020 - 04:22 PM

View PostRomeo Void, on 17 January 2020 - 12:51 PM, said:

It's very easy to trace biological parents through DNA since Ancestry DNA and all those sites have started offering tests.  If anyone genetically related to the donor puts their DNA on one of the sites it will very likely show a close match, from that point it's easy detective work to narrow down who in the family it was.
A lot of crimes are being solved by matching DNA with families. Naughty Bill might think he's got a way with it, but his sister curious Mary did a DNA search...so they work out who he is from her DNA.

It's wrong that DNA sent to sites for these purposes is accessible to government agencies though. Your DNA should only be used for the purpose you consent to.

#44 Romeo Void

Posted 27 January 2020 - 05:14 PM

View Poststeppy, on 27 January 2020 - 04:22 PM, said:

It's wrong that DNA sent to sites for these purposes is accessible to government agencies though. Your DNA should only be used for the purpose you consent to.
I imagine there's a waiver you sign to allow it.

#45 pinkypie221

Posted 27 January 2020 - 07:54 PM

View PostIlliterati, on 14 June 2018 - 08:43 AM, said:

I think when your child becomes an adult you’d want them to have as many kind and compassionate people in their lives as possible.

That is beautiful and you have so eloquently put into words how I feel.  Thank you


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