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Is three a bad idea?


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#1 lalalove

Posted 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM

DH and I have two boys (3yr 10mths and 19mths). I always felt that I wanted three children. However due to a first born who didn’t sleep for much of the first year, I wont lie, I would’ve been happy to stop at two – if my second DS was a girl.
When I accidentally saw his gender on a scan I was disappointed, I’ll be honest. I desperately hoped I could be wrong. When he was born and since, I have loved him totally. Both my boys are amazing little people. I love having brothers and being a boy mum.
Despite DS2 being born prem and me being very sick with pre-eclampsia, I always said I would like baby number 3 (even on the day of delivery). DS2 was another poor sleeper…it was a hard slog…again my sanity and relationship suffered in that first twelve months.. But we came out the other side…..
I can’t help but long for another baby. I know it is not right to try just to get a girl. I would be okay with a third boy too. I just don’t want to regret not trying for a third.
My husband is not totally against it, but he has some very strong reservations. He doesn’t want my health and our relationship to suffer.
I feel stressed because I am 36. I don’t want to leave it too long.
Is it a terrible decision to push for number 3?

#2 HippyDippyBaloney

Posted 23 August 2018 - 11:32 AM

I have 3. I believe our third contributed to the relationship breakdown, my ex was in a bad place mentally and wasn’t able to deal with the chaos of 3 small children. All 3 of mine were bad sleepers. Having said that, I adore my 3 and wouldn’t trade my youngest back for my ex any day of the week. I feel complete with 3 and definitely know my family is complete.

#3 literally nobody

Posted 23 August 2018 - 11:38 AM

i found a big difference with 3 than 2. i feel that our relationship has been pushed to the limits but we are ok, it was just hard work. my 3 are all 2 years apart and i find that there is always two that bicker no matter what the combination.

#4 ~J_WTF~

Posted 23 August 2018 - 11:50 AM

Yes... nothing more needs more to be said!!

#5 AllyK81

Posted 23 August 2018 - 11:52 AM

DH and I really deliberated about a third. Our hearts said yes but in the end our heads said no.

I had lunch with a few girlfriends with 3 to get a real warts and all feeling for the change.

In the end, we decided it would spread us too thin time wise. We both work in pretty intense jobs. At times we are frazzled with just two. They are 4 and 3 and the best of friends but it is a full on age. We can be more present with 2 and can help them more financially as well. Better holidays and more quality time with us.

A part of me will always feel like maybe someone is missing from our family but I know it was the right choice.

I am 37 in December and DH is 39. We are giving it one more year before he has the snip because we are only 90% sure at this stage.

That said I have one of each. My desire for a girl was very strong and had DD been a boy I probably would have rolled the dice again.

#6 Mands09

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:03 PM

I have 3 and I love my bird but no, I definitely wouldn't choose it again. It's very hard and the difference between 2 and 3 is exponential. Also having 3 under 5 is just insanity. So no, I would not in the circumstances you describe where you aren't both 100% on board with it.

#7 Dadto2

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:10 PM

View Postlalalove, on 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM, said:

I wont lie, I would’ve been happy to stop at two

View Postlalalove, on 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM, said:


Despite DS2 being born prem and me being very sick with pre-eclampsia,

View Postlalalove, on 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM, said:


it was a hard slog…again my sanity and relationship suffered in that first twelve months.. But we came out the other side…..

View Postlalalove, on 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM, said:

My husband is not totally against it, but he has some very strong reservations. He doesn’t want my health and our relationship to suffer.

View Postlalalove, on 23 August 2018 - 11:29 AM, said:


I feel stressed because I am 36. I don’t want to leave it too long.


From what I've experienced and seen from friends and family, with each child comes an increase in stress, hence the reason we stopped at 2. My friends are struggling with one and are already planning a 2nd. I think with the really high divorce rate in this country you really need to think long and hard. Even if your life is perfect, zero stress, no financial issues adding another child into the equation is going to be hard. But from what I've gleaned from your post, I would leave it at 2.

#8 Bam1

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:10 PM

I always planned on 3+ but got my first 2 off to school then had a 3rd and that was all fine and dandy.

Where we went "wrong" was we went back for a fourth and ended up with 3 under 2.  3 close together is hard

I don't think 3 in itself is a bad idea if both parents are for it but would get at least the eldest close to school age before having the 3rd

#9 lalalove

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:16 PM

Thank you all so much for your input. It is so nice to talk this out without judgment.

I had thought it would be best to plan the pregnancy for early 2019, baby born late 2019 (I would be 37) and DS1 starts FT school in January 2020.

#10 amdirel

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:27 PM

I have 3. I wish I stopped at 2.
Sorry.

Edited by amdirel, 23 August 2018 - 12:29 PM.


#11 Kallie88

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:41 PM

We're about to have our third, so I guess I don't know yet quite what it will be like, we'll have 3 under 3yo so really threw ourselves into the deep end lol. I guess we always talked about 4 so deciding now to stop with 3 is a bit different to thinking 2 would be good and then coming back for a third (just in mindset) too. Dh wasn't sure about 3 after #2 was born, but didn't put any effort in to stop it (and obviously I fell pretty quickly). Whereas after we found out I was pregnant he was sure he was done so even though the thought of 4 is there for me I've made my peace with 3. I guess, even though he wasn't as sure about 3 as I was big thing is I know he's on board, he's with me 100% so even though the next year it's probably going to test us I do have faith we'll get through it together. We were lucky that #2 was a much better sleeper than #1 and our older 2 are besotted with each other.
I think it's fair to sit down with hubby and find out exactly how deep his reservations are, whether you seriously think you can cope with another and what it would mean for your family. It's not wrong to go with the logical option if that means stopping at 2, it's not wrong to say you want a third strongly if that's what you feel, we can't know the future. But I believe if you're in it together, either way, you've probably got a good chance of getting through ok :)
Sitting on this side with #3 impending arrival I am scared of the change, what the baby will be like, how it will affect our family, our relationship, and of course I'm also hopeful that everything will work out for the best coz there's no turning back now lol.

#12 Staying Strange

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:44 PM

I have 3... as #2 turned out to be twins. I don't know if it's twins or having 3 (or jumping from 1 to 3) But its too many for me and if I'd had the choice we'd have stopped at 2.

However I have friends who have 3 and are thriving as parents

When speaking with friends about this I generally ask...
What is it about having 3 children that appeals to you? Is there something you don't get from having 2 that you'll get by having a third? If you fall pregnant and its twins, will you manage? What sort of life/lifestyle do you want to have in 10years - are additional children going to enhance that?  

Good luck deciding.

#13 literally nobody

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:45 PM

what are your husbands reservations? if you knew baby number 3 was going to definitely be a boy again, would you still want to go thru with it?

#14 Lallalla

Posted 23 August 2018 - 12:56 PM

I have 3, they are great. They are all the same sex and we don’t care. Our life is hilarious, exhausting, delightful, chaos.

If you have a 3rd there is more than a chance it will be a boy. You have a 50% chance of being a 3 boy mum. Actually more than 50% because there are 105 boys for every 100 girls.

It will be stressful, it will be full on, even if they are a sleeper. With 3 you are outnumbered, someone always needs you, sometimes 3 little people need you. I know mine are slightly different, as I have twins so went from 1 to 3, but my mother who has 3 also says the jump from 2 to 3 is as hard as the jump from 0 to 1 kid.

Also with pre-eclampsia, I had it quite severely last time and mildly the time before. My understanding is another pregnancy for me (am not and have never considered a 4th) is riskier - so there is that to consider too.

#15 blueskies12

Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:08 PM

Staying Strange those questions are amazing. I need to re-read them and answer them myself. I really like those questions.

I love this thread so thank you for starting it. I love the honesty on EB and the way we can all be real with each other. I rarely hear this sort of stuff from mothers in real life, maybe we are scared. But it's so refreshing.

OP, I am in a very similar position. I never had a number in mind, but I have two boys and would like a third. I remember the day my second was born (he's 8 months) and I was like I want to do this again! I'd be happy with a third boy too. The baby snuggles, the bigger family, more people to love.. I am an only child and terrified of losing my parents, I'd love more kids and future generations to love.


That's my heart. But then there's my head.
My first has just been diagnosed as on the Autism Spectrum. We have come a long way with him, and in our parenting, but the next 2 years of early intervention therapy will time consuming. So a third could have special needs.
There of course is the financial question, but it needs to be asked more long term. Not just the maternity leave or child care, but thinking ahead in 10 years towards schooling, holidays, extra-curricular and  the impact on your own career/s.
Then there's the help around you. My parents and husband's parents have all said they have found the jump from 1-2 in terms of babysitting a lot harder. So if we wanted 3, there may be less help available.

That's all so negative, I realise.

To be truthful pre-kids you could have this conversation and the same points would be made. There'd be so many cons, but we still have kids anyway. In the end you just work it all out and wouldn't trade them for the world and love them to pieces.

So keep talking about it to your husband. Find out his true reservations. Find out why you really want another. Sometimes, we can't put that into words, the pull is just so strong.

#16 ceeshell

Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:15 PM

I have three and I LOVE it. However, they are 11, 8 and 2.
The big gap between two and three has been amazing. I found the jump from 2 to 3 much easier than 1 to 2.

I would have had difficulty coping with 3 under 4.

#17 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:28 PM

I have 3 and love it. To have stopped at 2 would just have been, I don't know, boring? Our life is chaotic, stupidly, stupidly busy, expensive, sometimes maddening but I love it. That said, my kids rarely argue, we were lucky to get 3 who love each other deeply and get on extremely well. They all share a room by choice, the spare bedroom lies empty!
I reckon number 1 and number 2 have probably only had a handful of disagreements in their entire lives. Number 2 and 3 bicker a bit more but still prefer to spend much of their holidays hanging out together rather than seeking out their friends. Mine now are 13, 11 and 9.
I certainly didn't have a relationship like that with my brother, nor did DH with his sister. My brother and I disliked each other and argued constantly! But it is a bit random. If I had 3 kids who hated each other it would be another story!

#18 Seven of Nine

Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:41 PM

The busyness and chaos that PPs have mentioned is part of what I loved about going for #3. I got a third boy, but I was hoping for another boy. While it was certainly hard when they were all little I have never once regretted going back for #3. We have four kids now and our family really did feel empty until #4 came along.

If your husband has hesitations, maybe give it some time before you make a decision either way. 36 is not so old that you can't give it 12 months.

#19 IamzFeralz

Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:52 PM

My kids aunty wanted a girl too and kept going until she gave up after 5 boys.


#20 Prancer is coming

Posted 23 August 2018 - 02:06 PM

Three is madness!  But having said that, I don’t mind crazy so most of the time it works well.

I find there is always some issue or sickness with someone.  You just get one sorted then there is a problem with someone else.  I thought sending them off to school would make things easier and it does, but plenty of school issues, worries and trying to see their special moments each in assemblies.  Which can be exhausting.

I would not trade any of them in though and can’t I,agile life without my youngest.  They are pretty full on with their own issues, so some quieter ones would have been handy!

#21 RichardParker

Posted 23 August 2018 - 02:17 PM

I always wanted a big family - I was looking forward to having five kids. But now I have two with special needs, and the reality of a balancing it all means that I have to respect my own limits for the sake of everyone. I got a girl puppy- that’s filling the gap for now. If I don’t end up having grandchildren I’ll just volunteer to work with kids when I’m retired, or something. There are many ways to be fulfilled, it doesn’t have to be in the ways we first imagined.

#22 Akadia

Posted 23 August 2018 - 02:30 PM

View PostDadto2, on 23 August 2018 - 12:10 PM, said:

[/color][/size] [/color] [color=#222222] [color=#222222] [size=3]From what I've experienced and seen from friends and family, with each child comes an increase in stress, hence the reason we stopped at 2. My friends are struggling with one and are already planning a 2nd. I think with the really high divorce rate in this country you really need to think long and hard. Even if your life is perfect, zero stress, no financial issues adding another child into the equation is going to be hard. But from what I've gleaned from your post, I would leave it at 2.

I have one so can't really comment on that but what Dadto2 resonates.

We cope beautifully with our one and one was always what we wanted but we have friends barely coping with one trying for a second. I can't imagine how they'll fair when a second comes along.

Anyone you know personally with 3 that can give their prospective as well? There are many different families with different dynamics but having lots of different viewpoints will hopefully give you both enough information to understand why 3 may be for you and whether it's something you really want to do.

Good luck :)

#23 lalalove

Posted 23 August 2018 - 02:55 PM

Thank you again.

I think more conversation is needed with DH...

Ultimately I just don't feel like we are done. I love being a mum and when I see my two boys I just think how lovely another would be.

Definitely heart over head feelings though ;) I appreciate all your comments x

#24 MakesMeHappy

Posted 23 August 2018 - 02:55 PM

I am currently pregnant with number #3 we desperately wanted a little girl and that is what we are having. For us though it took years before we were ready for #3.

We had DS1 and DS2 a couple of years a part. They were some tough years. Both boys have special needs and although well managed there was a lot of early intervention, which was very time consuming and expensive. DS2 was very hard and I wasn’t sure we would go back for another one after him. Pregnancy is also very hard for me, I become very unwell.

This year both boys are at full time school, they are much more self sufficient, less needy and in general a joy to be around. We felt ready to finally try for our much longer for girl. I know for us, this age gap will mean the difference between just surviving while the kids are young to being able to enjoy it. But this pregnancy is my hardest yet, I am bed bound for 95% of the day. I am suffering, my family is suffering. At this stage I am full of guilt and regret. I made this choice and so far it has been to the detriment of my family.

It is very hard OP, my longing for a girl never went away, it faded at times but was always in the back of my mind. It can be very consuming. I know you are concerned about your age but I would give it a little longer, give your husband a little more time. If you DS2 is still a bad sleeper 12 months could make a big difference.

#25 Lion Cubs

Posted 23 August 2018 - 04:36 PM

View Postceeshell, on 23 August 2018 - 01:15 PM, said:

I have three and I LOVE it. However, they are 11, 8 and 2.
The big gap between two and three has been amazing. I found the jump from 2 to 3 much easier than 1 to 2.

I would have had difficulty coping with 3 under 4.

This is me too. Mine are 10, 8 and 11 months. I love the age gap, the older two dote on the youngest and having the big ones off at school gives us lots of one on one time.
I have all the same gender too. I was maybe a little disappointed at first, but wouldn’t change anything.




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