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Not inviting some kids


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#1 ABabyPlease

Posted 28 August 2018 - 09:13 PM

Hi, DS is in grade 1 and has chosen a small list of friends to invite to his party.

There are a few other kids who he doesn't want to invite but he has been to their parties this year and I'm a bit friendly with their parents. They are mostly from prep when he invited all the boys from his class.

Should I mention to the parents that he's just having something small this year and only inviting a few kids?  Or say nothing?

Your thoughts?

#2 ~J_F~

Posted 28 August 2018 - 09:14 PM

Say nothing. People are weird about parties.

Let you kid invite who he wants and leave it at that.

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 28 August 2018 - 09:22 PM

Don’t overthink it. Say nothing.

#4 just roses

Posted 28 August 2018 - 09:24 PM

Say nothing. Just invite the kids he wants to invite.

#5 TheGreenSheep

Posted 28 August 2018 - 09:31 PM

Party plan tick
Invite list tick
Wait for RSVPs
Make party bags
The cake
Hold party
Done

#6 Tinky Winky Woo

Posted 28 August 2018 - 10:09 PM

I learnt after the first year at school that you let the kid invite who they want to have,  Not who you think or by following the rules

#7 bluesilk

Posted 28 August 2018 - 10:19 PM

Ok, I'm not there yet (my kids are younger and don't have ultimate say who they invite), but I'm a bit of a 'well, if they invited you, it's polite for you to invite them' person. Otherwise decline their invitation in the first instance if they're not close enough friends that you would reciprocate.

#8 BECZ

Posted 28 August 2018 - 10:26 PM

View Postbluesilk, on 28 August 2018 - 10:19 PM, said:

Ok, I'm not there yet (my kids are younger and don't have ultimate say who they invite), but I'm a bit of a 'well, if they invited you, it's polite for you to invite them' person. Otherwise decline their invitation in the first instance if they're not close enough friends that you would reciprocate.
Yeah, I don’t think I would feel comfortable my child not inviting others who have invited him/her to their party this year unless I was keeping it small and only if all the kids invited had invited my child.  So not inviting anybody who hadn’t invited my child this year and just not able to invite them all.  Different year, different story.

#9 ~J_F~

Posted 28 August 2018 - 10:29 PM

View Postbluesilk, on 28 August 2018 - 10:19 PM, said:

Ok, I'm not there yet (my kids are younger and don't have ultimate say who they invite), but I'm a bit of a 'well, if they invited you, it's polite for you to invite them' person. Otherwise decline their invitation in the first instance if they're not close enough friends that you would reciprocate.

I absolutely disagree with this.

Friendships can often change quickly for kids or the other kid may be allowed to have larger numbers to invite or maybe the friendship isn’t equal or so on.

No one, not even kids, should be forced to invite someone to their party because of obligation.

#10 Gruffalo's Child

Posted 28 August 2018 - 11:41 PM

I wouldn’t say anything unless the topic arose naturally.  I also don’t think you need to reciprocate invitations - we’ve had all class parties at times and never expected return invitations, we’ve also had much smaller parties where we only invited very close friends.   I think it would be so sad for those kids who are sending out invitations to lots of kids with hopes of a big party, or even  just hoping that some of their classmates turn up,  to have kids decline purely so they aren’t obligated to return the invite.  

I only have a problem with kids not being invited when it’s just a few being excluded out of an otherwise whole class party.

#11 halcyondays

Posted 29 August 2018 - 06:03 AM

With my oldest, when we moved and had no friends, we did whole class parties- to get to know everyone and to maximise the number of party invites/play date invites he got- I also got to meet other parents and make friends. With the next child- whole class til year 2 then just few friends over. I suspect he would have preferred just s small group in year 1 too, and in retrospect, that would have been better.

#12 Bird1

Posted 29 August 2018 - 06:11 AM

If you are only inviting a few. That’s fine. But if your inviting 80% and not the rest I don’t agree. Just think how you would feel if your child is the one not invited

#13 SummerStar

Posted 29 August 2018 - 06:24 AM

I always allow no more than 5 friends to be invited. So it's not a big group and majority of the class are "left out". We don't do the whole class party thing many do, and I don't believe in having to invite every child who invites us because unless they're close friends most of the parties are the whole class.

I wouldn't bring it up, if anyone mentions it I'd say it was a really small group. I had a parent text me to let me know her daughter was having a party and mine wasn't invited she just thought she'd let me know. She ended up being one of two out of their friendship group that wasn't. I found that rude and it really affected their friendship. It would have been more polite to just not say anything especially with the way it was worded. That was years ago and my daughter still mentions it occasionally.

Edited by SummerStar, 29 August 2018 - 06:25 AM.


#14 ekbaby

Posted 29 August 2018 - 06:25 AM

My rule is you either invite the whole class (generally in the younger years), all of one gender, or less than half.
So if having a small party that’s fine, but not inviting say 8 of the 10 boys in their class

#15 seayork2002

Posted 29 August 2018 - 09:14 AM

View Post~J_F~, on 28 August 2018 - 09:14 PM, said:

Say nothing. People are weird about parties.

Let you kid invite who he wants and leave it at that.

This,

My son gets invites and goes the parties he gets invites for, he invites kids he wants to for his own.

This is the extent of our involvement I have no idea the details of parties we are not invited to so I assume this is the same for other parents? ie 'Jane/Johnny was invited to X's party but X did not get invited to their party' type thing.

#16 seayork2002

Posted 29 August 2018 - 09:16 AM

View PostBird1, on 29 August 2018 - 06:11 AM, said:

If you are only inviting a few. That’s fine. But if your inviting 80% and not the rest I don’t agree. Just think how you would feel if your child is the one not invited

I would not think anything different than not having an invite to a any party.

Parents/kids have their own reasons for the decisions they make just because my own son is not invited does not mean anything more than he is not invited.

#17 hills mum bec

Posted 29 August 2018 - 09:27 AM

View PostBECZ, on 28 August 2018 - 10:26 PM, said:

Yeah, I don’t think I would feel comfortable my child not inviting others who have invited him/her to their party this year unless I was keeping it small and only if all the kids invited had invited my child.  So not inviting anybody who hadn’t invited my child this year and just not able to invite them all.  Different year, different story.

That's a pretty strange rule.  What happens if some of your child's best friends have their birthdays later in the year so your child hasn't been invited to their party yet but they have to invite other kid's who they might not be as close to just because they had been invited to their party?

My DD7 has been to so many full class parties this year.  No way was I going to reciprocate all those invitations when it was her party.  She invited a couple of friends who she chose, of her two closest friends, one had not had a party at all this year and the other one has a birthday a few months after DD's.  Friendships also change so much at that age.

#18 just roses

Posted 29 August 2018 - 09:49 AM

View PostTinky Winky Woo, on 28 August 2018 - 10:09 PM, said:

I learnt after the first year at school that you let the kid invite who they want to have,  Not who you think or by following the rules
This, with some exceptions.

When DS decided he didn't want to invite one of the kids in his friendship group, we had a long chat about his reasons and how that might make this kid feel. I didn't force DS to invite him, but helped him to come to the conclusion himself that inviting him was the right thing to do.

#19 ~J_F~

Posted 29 August 2018 - 12:58 PM

View PostBird1, on 29 August 2018 - 06:11 AM, said:

If you are only inviting a few. That’s fine. But if your inviting 80% and not the rest I don’t agree. Just think how you would feel if your child is the one not invited

I would think that’s life and we all have to learn we don’t always get to do everything.

This is the reason I would not bring it up because parents make stuff all about them...

#20 MGB

Posted 29 August 2018 - 01:14 PM

View PostSummerStar, on 29 August 2018 - 06:24 AM, said:

I always allow no more than 5 friends to be invited. So it's not a big group and majority of the class are "left out". We don't do the whole class party thing many do, and I don't believe in having to invite every child who invites us because unless they're close friends most of the parties are the whole class.

I wouldn't bring it up, if anyone mentions it I'd say it was a really small group. I had a parent text me to let me know her daughter was having a party and mine wasn't invited she just thought she'd let me know. She ended up being one of two out of their friendship group that wasn't. I found that rude and it really affected their friendship. It would have been more polite to just not say anything especially with the way it was worded. That was years ago and my daughter still mentions it occasionally.

That’s awful and very rude. Like you, I would rather not know if it was only 2 out of their friendship group not invited. Why say anything, it just highlights to the uninvited child.

As PP mentioned, I wouldn’t say anything OP and just let him invite who he wants.

#21 Kreme

Posted 29 August 2018 - 02:18 PM

I think as long as you aren’t excluding just one or two kids then it’s fine. However people can be weird about parties. In yr 1 my daughter had quite a big party (about 16 girls) but it included friends from preschool, kindergarten and year 1 so only half the girls in her year 1 class were invited. One of the mums took such offence to her daughter not being invited that when her birthday rolled around she invited every girl in the class apart from DD. Fortunately DD wasn’t bothered “I never play with her mum, why would she invite me to her party?”

#22 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 29 August 2018 - 02:36 PM

View PostBECZ, on 28 August 2018 - 10:26 PM, said:


Yeah, I don’t think I would feel comfortable my child not inviting others who have invited him/her to their party this year unless I was keeping it small and only if all the kids invited had invited my child.  So not inviting anybody who hadn’t invited my child this year and just not able to invite them all.  Different year, different story.

DS1 was invited to a birthday party in February in Prep (2nd weekend of the school year). Full class party. As we did not know anyone we attended. DSs Birthday is September. By then we discovered the party boy from the first full class party was a bully, and by that stage had kicked out DSs front teeth.

As I had been brought up with the idea you invite those who invited you (as a minimum), I asked DS why boy was not on his list. DS replied that boy was nasty to his friends (who he wanted to invite) and he did not want his friends to be sad at his party.

Fair enough IMHO.

So February birthday boy was left off DSs party list. What I did do was ensure party was no more than 50% of class, so no individual exclusion. If it was a 8/10 invite, I would have pushed for the 2 excluded.

DD on the other hand had 8/10 girls on her party list. No real reason to exclude other 2 except she doesn’t play with them. We did invite the extra 2 as didn’t want to exclude from such a small group.

So it is a balancing act.


#23 newmumandexcited

Posted 29 August 2018 - 06:43 PM

View PostVeritas Vinum Arte, on 29 August 2018 - 02:36 PM, said:



DS1 was invited to a birthday party in February in Prep (2nd weekend of the school year). Full class party. As we did not know anyone we attended. DSs Birthday is September. By then we discovered the party boy from the first full class party was a bully, and by that stage had kicked out DSs front teeth.

As I had been brought up with the idea you invite those who invited you (as a minimum), I asked DS why boy was not on his list. DS replied that boy was nasty to his friends (who he wanted to invite) and he did not want his friends to be sad at his party.

Fair enough IMHO.

So February birthday boy was left off DSs party list. What I did do was ensure party was no more than 50% of class, so no individual exclusion. If it was a 8/10 invite, I would have pushed for the 2 excluded.

DD on the other hand had 8/10 girls on her party list. No real reason to exclude other 2 except she doesn’t play with them. We did invite the extra 2 as didn’t want to exclude from such a small group.

So it is a balancing act.

Jesus your poor DS. I wouldn’t have invited him either!!!

#24 BECZ

Posted 29 August 2018 - 08:12 PM

View Posthills mum bec, on 29 August 2018 - 09:27 AM, said:



That's a pretty strange rule.  What happens if some of your child's best friends have their birthdays later in the year so your child hasn't been invited to their party yet but they have to invite other kid's who they might not be as close to just because they had been invited to their party?

My DD7 has been to so many full class parties this year.  No way was I going to reciprocate all those invitations when it was her party.  She invited a couple of friends who she chose, of her two closest friends, one had not had a party at all this year and the other one has a birthday a few months after DD's.  Friendships also change so much at that age.

Yeah, I thought about it after I posted and was going to come back and edit it, but got busy. I should have specified outside the child's best friends and I was more talking about the kids that the child is generally friends with, but not that close.  If these friends are on par, then I think the right thing to do is reciprocate first.  
I've been lazy the last few years and my kids have had parties at centres and the numbers haven't mattered too much.

View PostVeritas Vinum Arte, on 29 August 2018 - 02:36 PM, said:



DS1 was invited to a birthday party in February in Prep (2nd weekend of the school year). Full class party. As we did not know anyone we attended. DSs Birthday is September. By then we discovered the party boy from the first full class party was a bully, and by that stage had kicked out DSs front teeth.

As I had been brought up with the idea you invite those who invited you (as a minimum), I asked DS why boy was not on his list. DS replied that boy was nasty to his friends (who he wanted to invite) and he did not want his friends to be sad at his party.

Fair enough IMHO.

So February birthday boy was left off DSs party list. What I did do was ensure party was no more than 50% of class, so no individual exclusion. If it was a 8/10 invite, I would have pushed for the 2 excluded.

DD on the other hand had 8/10 girls on her party list. No real reason to exclude other 2 except she doesn’t play with them. We did invite the extra 2 as didn’t want to exclude from such a small group.

So it is a balancing act.

Oh yeah, there would be exceptions.  Some kids can be horrible.
Sorry, I was a little lazy in my post and had to go and do something, so I was a little brief.


#25 ABabyPlease

Posted 30 August 2018 - 04:54 PM

Thanks All, it's good to get your opinions.

He is only inviting 6 school friends from a group of about 55 kids. And the invited kids are in different classes.

He is adamant about not inviting the kids who I suggested so I will leave it and not discuss with the parents unless it comes up in conversation.






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