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inviting people you already know can't come


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#1 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 06 November 2018 - 07:37 PM

I've always taken the approach that I still invite people to things even knowing that they can't, or won't come.  I think it lets them know we've thought of them.

Does this transfer to kids?

DS is having a party.  I know for a fact his friend can't come.  Do we still give him an invite?
Does it make a difference that this child has learning/comprehension problems?

DS has chosen his invitations and specifically decided to put a Freddo Frog with each.

#2 Pooks Combusted

Posted 06 November 2018 - 07:42 PM

Can you talk to the child’s parent or teacher about how to approach it?

#3 SeaPrincess

Posted 06 November 2018 - 07:42 PM

I would still invite them.

#4 Future-self

Posted 06 November 2018 - 07:43 PM

I do the same and do believe it extends to kids so would invite him.

Is thh concern that he won;t understand why he can't come and get upset later?

#5 gracie1978

Posted 06 November 2018 - 08:11 PM

Why don't you put a note in the letter explaining that you know he can't come, but he's welcome for a playdate at another time.
Then he still gets a freddo :)

#6 miss mia

Posted 06 November 2018 - 08:22 PM

Yes, we still give invitations to those we know can’t come. Kids love receiving invitations

#7 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 06 November 2018 - 08:37 PM

View Postgracie1978, on 06 November 2018 - 08:11 PM, said:

Why don't you put a note in the letter explaining that you know he can't come, but he's welcome for a playdate at another time.
Then he still gets a freddo :)

i think this idea is lovely and is what I would do.

#8 BornToLove

Posted 06 November 2018 - 08:51 PM

View PostPooks Persisted, on 06 November 2018 - 07:42 PM, said:

Can you talk to the child’s parent or teacher about how to approach it?

I would take this approach. For two years in a row, DD couldn’t attend one of her good friend’s birthday as we were away on holiday both years. Her parents knew about the trips, but still invited DD anyways.

DD receiving an invite to a party she couldn’t attend caused a lot of issues at home in the lead up to the trips and the day of the party while away. No amount of explaining of bad timing or ‘special birthday play dates’ could convince DD otherwise. I wished that her parents had sent a quick text just to ask if they should ‘invite’ DD.

#9 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 06 November 2018 - 10:57 PM

I would ask the parents, but we have both had invites and given invites knowing that attendance wasn’t possible. Its usually followed up with a playdate

#10 Popper

Posted 07 November 2018 - 05:09 AM

Please leave out the freddo frog. Any child with a peanut allergy would be in danger. Good luck with the party OP.

#11 Lesley225

Posted 07 November 2018 - 05:14 AM

I agree won't it just upset the child who can't go?

#12 Prancer is coming

Posted 07 November 2018 - 05:54 AM

I’m not sure about the frog!  I have a kid that often is not invited to parties.  From the ripe age of 4 he has been very aware of being left out, no matter how discreetly parents try to drop off invites.  He is okay with it, but seeing kids eat Freddy frogs (because what kid is going to wait when there is chocolate involved!) would be a very visible way of showing who was not invited.  And others would see they missed out on an invite AND a chocolate,

#13 JRA

Posted 07 November 2018 - 06:09 AM

It is an interesting one, be it a wedding or a young child's birthday.

I firstly would not be putting in a freddo frog in any invites. But that is me. Especially if they are being handed out at school.

There is one school of thought that if you are invited to something and can't go you still give an invite. So some see inviting when you know they can't go as rude as you are expecting a present.

#14 ~J_F~

Posted 07 November 2018 - 06:16 AM

Ditch the Freddo. They can go in the party bags!

I think it’s a little odd to still invite someone you know can’t go. I mean an adult, sure they get it but a kid not so much and depending on the kid, it could result in huge emotions and issues at home for them. So while it might seem nice to you, I would be cursing the parent who gave an invite knowing we couldn’t come because I would be the one dealing with the fallout, not them!

#15 Soontobegran

Posted 07 November 2018 - 06:27 AM

I have always given an invitation to someone I knew couldn’t come but then I never gave out invitations at school/kinder.

I still give invites to people I know can’t come somewhere as a means to let them know they were included.



#16 Pearson

Posted 07 November 2018 - 07:19 AM

What if the situation changes close to rsvp date? Then they cant change their mind.

#17 ECsMum

Posted 07 November 2018 - 08:25 AM

I would give them an an invite with a note saying if anything changes they are more than welcome to still come along.

#18 born.a.girl

Posted 07 November 2018 - 08:37 AM

View PostBornToLove, on 06 November 2018 - 08:51 PM, said:

I would take this approach. For two years in a row, DD couldn’t attend one of her good friend’s birthday as we were away on holiday both years. Her parents knew about the trips, but still invited DD anyways.

DD receiving an invite to a party she couldn’t attend caused a lot of issues at home in the lead up to the trips and the day of the party while away. No amount of explaining of bad timing or ‘special birthday play dates’ could convince DD otherwise. I wished that her parents had sent a quick text just to ask if they should ‘invite’ DD.

We would have had the same issue.  For most of primary, the invites were so rare that for her to get an invite and not be able to go would be very upsetting. She well knew how many parties she wasn't invited to.

Fortunately this reversed in later years.

#19 Pooks Combusted

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:41 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 07 November 2018 - 08:37 AM, said:



We would have had the same issue.  For most of primary, the invites were so rare that for her to get an invite and not be able to go would be very upsetting. She well knew how many parties she wasn't invited to.

Fortunately this reversed in later years.

Yes it is upesetting, sometimes I think I get more upset than DS though. He tries so hard. Could you plan another catch up (even a short play date after school) and give him an invite to that?

#20 Little Bean

Posted 07 November 2018 - 11:26 AM

Contact the parents first if you can, because I think the right approach will be highly dependant on the child.
DD is 7 and if she saw her friends receiving an invitation that she didn't get, she would feel super left out and upset, and might not initially put two and two together that the party was at the same time we were going away. She would just know that she wasn't invited.
She would be less upset to receive the invitation but have to decline, because she's not that great in large groups anyway and is sometimes hesitant to go to a party even if she really likes the child. But still wants to be invited.
This is pretty much the opposite of what some PPs have said - so I think if you are able, check with the parents as to what is the best way to go about it.




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