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13th birthday dilemma


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#1 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:05 PM





Hi ladies, it's been a while since I posted here, but I have a small dilemma and I'm not sure what to do.

Firstly, is 5:30-8:30pm on a Saturday evening an unreasonable time for a 13th birthday party?

And second, what would you do if your child invited some school friends to this party, giving 2wks notice, and every one of them not only said they were not coming, but also started ignoring her and being generally horrible? So horrible that she has stopped sitting with them at lunch and started sitting with the friends she made in term 1 again.

I'm not sure what I should do now.  DD is devastated, she asked me why the people she thought were her friends are acting like inviting them to her birthday was a death threat :(

She hasn't sat with these kids at lunch breaks since Monday when they all started being horrible, and she asked me today if she could invite some other kids from the group she is now sitting with.  The new group are also kids she has been friends with all year, I've heard their names lots of times, she's just been splitting her lunch times between all the kids she is friendly with.  She started high school this year, none of her primary school friends are at her school, and I feel like she is still trying to figure out where she fits, trying to find her "people", if you know what I mean.



Sorry!  That got long fast!  If you've made it this far and have some suggestions or advice for me please share, I have absolutely no idea where to go from here.
Thanks!

#2 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:09 PM

Oh, and there's pretty much no chance of the invited kids just turning up anyway as another kid in that group has decided to plan his birthday party for the same day, he decided this AFTER DD gave him the invitation to her party :(

Also, changing the time & date is not an option as my DS is having his party in the afternoon on the same day, neither wants to combine, and we can't change the date as we have weddings and other family commitments every weekend right up to christmas.

Thanks again for any advice!

#3 CallMeFeral

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:17 PM

The whole situation sounds awful and hurtful, but it doesn't seem like you have much to actually solve. The friends she invited aren't coming and aren't her friends anymore.

Let her invite her current friends and keep the time as it is (assuming current friends can make it).

#4 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:25 PM

CallMeFeral, you wouldn't feel like second choice, some kind of back up plan or something, if you were invited later like this?
I don't want anyone to think she's just inviting other kids because she wants presents or anything like that, she has said herself that she just wants to have fun with her friends for her birthday, but I'm a little worried that other kids may not see it that way.

#5 lizzzard

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:25 PM

Aggghhh... this sort of thing gives me hives just thinking of it :(

I think I must have some bad experiences I’ve deliberately forgotten because my strategy for birthday parties after the age of about 10-11 has been to do small (ie 2/3 friends max) outings to a movie/dinner/water park etc. I would actually suggest the same in this situation- your DD could say she has changed her mind and is going to take just 2 good friends to see a movie instead.

I don’t know...parties seem like a recipe for disaster in some ways and not necessary after a certain age? Maybe I’m just an introvert (as are my kids) but we’ve really enjoyed the lower key approach.

#6 Whattothink

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:49 PM

Could you change the date to a school night - maybe in a couple of weeks time.
I think parents tend to not mind so much at the end of term.
Maybe as Lizzard suggests - small group/early movie/dinner.
I think giving it a week or two for the dust to settle. Also takes away your concern re feeling like second best.
Do something nice with DD when the party was scheduled.

#7 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:50 PM

I'd love to do that, but we can't really afford to this year :(  DS turns 10 the same week as DD turns 13, they are both having pool parties (at my parents house, we don't have a pool).  We haven't done parties when the kids were younger, but I didn't think it through very well when I said they could have parties when they turn 10, 12, 13, & 16 LOL

We only invited 8 friends each, one of DDs can't come because of family commitments, that kid is still being nice to her, the rest I don't even know what happened, and neither does she :(

I probably should have known better than to have a party for a girl!  Girls can be so horrible!

#8 Whattothink

Posted 07 November 2018 - 10:54 PM

Ahhhh ok.
What about pool party after school one afternoon so doesn’t clash with weddings etc.
4-7pm - more than enough time. Hopefully then nice girl can come.

#9 CallMeFeral

Posted 07 November 2018 - 11:01 PM

View PostOogly boogly, on 07 November 2018 - 10:25 PM, said:

CallMeFeral, you wouldn't feel like second choice, some kind of back up plan or something, if you were invited later like this?
I don't want anyone to think she's just inviting other kids because she wants presents or anything like that, she has said herself that she just wants to have fun with her friends for her birthday, but I'm a little worried that other kids may not see it that way.

That's a tough one. Does she know them well enough to be open about it with them? Like "I've been really sad because I was planning a party but nobody could come, but since hanging it with you guys again I'm wondering whether you would like to come because I'd love to spend it with you" type thing. I don't really know what wording would go down well but perhaps the being open about it will forestall any issues?

#10 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 11:10 PM

View PostCallMeFeral, on 07 November 2018 - 11:01 PM, said:

That's a tough one. Does she know them well enough to be open about it with them? Like "I've been really sad because I was planning a party but nobody could come, but since hanging it with you guys again I'm wondering whether you would like to come because I'd love to spend it with you" type thing. I don't really know what wording would go down well but perhaps the being open about it will forestall any issues?

They already know what has happened with the other kids, she was quite upset at lunchtimes every day this week, she actually ended up sitting with her older brother (grade10) and his friends on monday because they were all worried and didn't want her to be around the nasty kids.  Yesterday and today, she has been sitting with these other kids in class and at lunch times.  DD said that the nice kids already offered to come.

I don't know any of the parents, otherwise I would contact them directly and invite the kids that way.  Maybe if I write up some new invitations, but add a little note to say something similar to what you have suggested...I'll probably steal your wording, I'm hopeless at that stuff LOL

#11 Ellie bean

Posted 07 November 2018 - 11:14 PM

^^I wouldn’t put Callmeferals wording in writing, if your dd says it verbally that’s one thing but if one of her former “friends “ gets hold of it on a written invite that could turn bad very fast
I’m really glad your dd has found some new friends

#12 Oogly boogly

Posted 07 November 2018 - 11:30 PM

View PostEllie bean, on 07 November 2018 - 11:14 PM, said:

^^I wouldn’t put Callmeferals wording in writing, if your dd says it verbally that’s one thing but if one of her former “friends “ gets hold of it on a written invite that could turn bad very fast
I’m really glad your dd has found some new friends

Ahh, yes, good point!  Thank you!

#13 Gruffalo's Child

Posted 08 November 2018 - 12:47 AM

Oh your poor DD!  That must be heartbreaking for her.

I would definitely invite the kids she’s spending time with now, and if you feel you want to add anything you could give it a positive slant, like: “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you this week and would really love it if you can come to my party”.  

Good luck OP.  I hope your DD can build some strong friendships with the nicer kids she’s starting hanging out with.

#14 Threelittleducks

Posted 08 November 2018 - 01:22 AM

And if your concerned about it being a grab for presents, simply pop on the invite, would just love your company, no present required.

Or alternatively, say this year instead of a present I'm collecting for ABC charity, if you would like to make a small donation too.

And perhaps a few books about navigating friendships etc might be useful for your DD to develop strategies on dealing with this stuff. A good reminder is that it's about them, not her.

Good Luck

#15 RynandStompy

Posted 08 November 2018 - 05:43 AM

If this nice kids already offered to come there's no issue then. It'll be ok to invite them.
Your poor DD.
I'm glad there's been some other nice kids around to help her when the nasty ones turned. High school is awful.

#16 Drat

Posted 08 November 2018 - 05:48 AM

If anyone questioned your daughter about the invites she could say that she obviously made a mistake and invited the wrong friends.. which is definitely true sounding by the sounds of things!

#17 Apageintime

Posted 08 November 2018 - 07:40 AM

Invite the nice kids, and maybe do something to make it extra special for your DD in the day ie gold class movies with you and her, or something really special that she likes to do

#18 EsmeLennox

Posted 08 November 2018 - 07:44 AM

Definitely invite the nice friends.
While it’s an awful experience for your DD, let’s hope it teaches her something about those kids and that she stays well away in future. Horrible little sh*ts.

#19 qak

Posted 08 November 2018 - 07:57 AM

View PostOogly boogly, on 07 November 2018 - 10:09 PM, said:

another kid in that group has decided to plan his birthday party for the same day, he decided this AFTER DD gave him the invitation to her party :(

Are you sure about the timing of the planning of this?

I'm wondering if it had been sort of known his party was coming up, your DD has unfortunately then issued invitations for the same time and the rest of that group thinks it was done deliberately, hence the general nastiness?

#20 MarciaB

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:15 AM

Ugh.

Invite the nice kids and change the day/time so mean kids can't have leverage to say anything to nice kids about attending (ie "losers you are going to her party cause you weren't invited to the "cool kids" party)

Who knows what is up with the mean girls.  Often times one (the Queen Bee) decides that "we" don't like someone and then the rest follow.  There can be no real reason whatsoever but it  is just so heartbreaking if you are on the other end.

Best that your dd focuses on the nice kids even if it is only a couple of kids.

I hope she has a lovely birthday.

Edited by MarciaB, 08 November 2018 - 08:16 AM.


#21 born.a.girl

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:16 AM

Definitely sounds like she's better off without those 'friends'.


Like qak, though, I'd be wondering about the co-incidence of the boy's party timing.  It's highly unlikely he decided of his own accord to have it at that time - perhaps his parents were procrastinating on the date and time, to the extent that his time wasn't decided before her invites.  Just has you've got good reasons why hers has to be at this specific time, perhaps their hands were forced regarding this.  He may have pre-warned his friends to keep the time clear.

That said, if that's the case, true friends are upset that they're going to miss out on one or the other, and are abjectly sorry that there's a clash.

In order to cast that group in the best possible light (not easy to do!) perhaps one of them spread a nasty rumour that your daughter picked this time deliberately to thwart him.

#22 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:02 AM

It's lovely that the other friends know and have offered to come - I don't think there's any problem then just inviting them. Agree about not putting stuff in writing though - she can navigate that face to face - written invites can just be the details.

I don't think there's much to be acheived analysing why the crappy people have been crappy to her. She may find out one day or she might not. Either way, she has extracted herself early from a group that excludes people rather than speaking to them directly when there is something wrong, and found herself an empathic group who like to help out someone who is feeling bad. Sounds like a long term win despite short term pain.

#23 MrsT2018

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:11 AM

I'd keep same time/date and have the nice kids over.

At that age last year, my DD changed friends groups a few times trying to find her feet. She has 2 groups now which she alternates between.

That age definitely is tricky to navigate the world of pubescent girls - for the girl and the mum!

I would encourage her to actively steer clear of the bi**hy group from now on as they obviously don't have the biggest of hearts.

#24 Mollyksy

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:19 AM

Your poor little girl. I hope she has a lovely day whatever her and you decide. People can be so nasty. I had a few false starts my first year of high school, knowing one person total from my primary school. It took until the end of the year but I happened upon a truly beautiful group of friends that now, almost 30 years later, are still very special to me. She'll find her tribe. You are doing a great job of helping her navigate. All the best.

#25 Bereckii

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:25 AM

High school social dynamics - ugh! Sorry you and DD are going through this. Tricky.

It sounds like they haven't rsvp-ed and have made it pretty clear that they have other plans for the date and time of your daughters party. How confident are you that this is indeed the case? (And that none of them will turn up to the party anyway? Even though they haven't rsvp-ed. And clearly aren't being friendly to DD)

Hopefully I am over-thinking (and over-worrying)




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