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Guilt/embarrassment about being an older mum

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#1 MwahMum

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:42 PM

So, we're 11 weeks  pregnant at 41 and 45 (DP). With a 2 yo.

Work 4 days a week.

I'm tired all the time.

I'm worried I'm just going to keep getting tireder. And in 10 years time DD and #2 will resent having older parents.

Still not 100% behind having #2, but crunch time on a decision is seriously looming.

Any advice or thoughts?

#2 Whattothink

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:46 PM

You’ll be fine!!
11 weeks pregnant and 2 year old is tiring! A 30 year old would feel tired!
Have you had your iron checked?
Kids won’t ever resent loving parents.
You’ve got this!!! ☺️

#3 ~elle~

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:50 PM

At 31  - pregnant and with a 2 yr old I was exhausted!!
I think it is what it is no matter your age.

So many kids have older parents I don't think it will be noticed and it shouldn't matter.

#4 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:52 PM

I agree pregnant with a 2yo was tiring, even at 31!

To make you feel better, DH enjoyed his childhood with a mum who was 43 and a dad 50 when he was born.

Where I live early 40s is average age for #2 or #3. I have a friend who had surprise #3 at 45.

#5 aace

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:53 PM

When I was pregnant with DS at age 22 I was exhausted and in bed by 6/7pm each night. I am 29 with 4 children now and I am so so tired that sometimes when I am driving to school pick up I have to pull over and have a nap. I think tiredness comes with pregnancy/small children regardless of age.

#6 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:56 PM

I'm a 55 year old teaching preschool.
You think I would be a generation older than the parents of the children I teach.

In fact while the majority of them are around 40 there are a fair few who are 45 and upwards and a couple in their 50's.

All are deeply loved by their children.
All are exhausted no matter what their age.

There is a really wide age range and 2 children together will have each other for support, perhaps even more important if you are thinking morbid thoughts.

#7 LeggyBlonde

Posted 08 November 2018 - 08:56 PM

Couldn't agree more with W2T above.

I was 41 when I got pregnant with twins, and 42 when they were born.

The first trimester I was more tired than I have ever been in my life absolutely including the first year of their lives when they were breastfed.

That's just what the first trimester is according to me.  I use to take a pillow and blanket, and sleep in my car at lunchtime, with an alarm on my phone, before anyone knew I was pregnant.

2 kids is better than one also according to me (with complete apologies to those who have one by choice or otherwise OK EB people!).

I worked 4 days a week until almost the end.

My tip? Do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off if you can, then Thursday, Friday.  In the last month I used a mere 4 days annual leave to make that Monday, Wednesday and Friday on and didn't work 2 days in a row at all!  If your work place is flexible and kindly that might help.

#8 Gruffalo's Child

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:03 PM

My DH and I were the same age with number 3, and our others were 2 and 4.   I remember sleeping/dozing while pregnant in front of ABC for Kids!  It was a lifesaver.  I felt so guilty at the time, but really it’s only a short stage and it passes so quickly and you will feel less tired again!

I have also felt the guilt of being an older mum and often regret that I didn’t have my kids when I was younger.  Then I force myself to remember that if I had had kids earlier, I wouldn’t actually have the ones I have and those feelings melt away.  I wouldn’t swap my kids for the world.  My kids don’t notice that we’re older parents either, and there are lots of other parents in a similar age-bracket.    

Wishing you all the best with making your decision OP.

Edited by Gruffalo's Child, 08 November 2018 - 11:39 PM.

#9 eliza_non

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:13 PM

In my area 38 to 42 seems to be a really  standard age to have the final child. Being 51 with a 10 year will be perfectly normal!

#10 gc_melody

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:20 PM

I was 43 with a 2yro when I had my second child. I was 40 when I had my first. To answer your questions from my experience.

* Yes, I was very tired. (But so was everyone who was pregnant with a toddler).
* Yes, at the time, I wondered what the hell I had been thinking about having another child at 'my age'.
* Yes, did I wonder if someone would mistake me for a grandmother instead of my childrens mother (no one has thankfully)
* Yes, did I wonder if I would find any peers who had their children at the age I did (many more than I have anticipated !)
* Do I regret it? No chance. The love I get to give and receive is incredible and the bond between my two is something which delights me and warms my heart.

You'll be fine.

Edited by gc_melody, 08 November 2018 - 09:21 PM.

#11 Oriental lily

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:34 PM

I was 41 when I had my 5th in January .

Honestly I still think the first baby at the age of 27 was more exhausting ! I now have good form on how to run on minimal sleep .

I just don’t think about my age in regards to what others would think .

More woman over 40 have children now than teen mothers . It’s culturally changed now for woman to be in their 40s and still parenting young children ( and having teens in their 50s) nothing odd or strange .

Menopause with teens in the house is going to be fun though lol .

#12 Chocolate Addict

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:49 PM

I had my only child (13yo) when I was 40yo. I have nothing to compare it to, but yes, I was tired.

i was chasing after him like every other parent of a toddler, I don't think the child would notice mine sure doesn't. I also don't think I look my age. :)

#13 just roses

Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:49 PM

Many women now and in the past had babies in their 40s. A few generations ago, they might be having #6 or #7 in the 40s, but the point is, there’s nothing new about being an older mum.

And first trimester when you have a 2yo is exhausting. At any age!

#14 steppy

Posted 08 November 2018 - 10:18 PM

I don't think being able to run around with your kids makes you a good mum. An active mum, sure, but that's not really priority number one for raising children. There may be some drawbacks but every child finds something to complain about in their parents. If you being older is all they have to complain about, they're lucky.

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 08 November 2018 - 10:26 PM

I was almost 39 when I had DS and already had 3 y/o DD. Yes, I was tired but that just goes with the job whatever age you are. DS has never seemed to have any drama with having an Old Grey Mare for a mother, although there was the time I took him to motocross and another kid asked why he was there with his Nan...probably not what you want to hear.

#16 MissMilla

Posted 08 November 2018 - 10:29 PM

Im early thirties with a 4 and 2 year old and im always tired too! Not as bad as during pregnancy and with a newborn, that time was exhausting amd had me at my limit!

#17 ShellBaby-O

Posted 08 November 2018 - 11:00 PM

Oh yes, get yourself some iron tablets- I have one when I’m up at 3am with leg cramps or needing to pee. It does make a difference the next day

I also napped in the car yesterday in a beach car park with my 4 year old in the back watching a DVD, but abc kids is my regular afternoon doze session!

Don’t stress, you will find mums in your mums group that don’t know a onesie can come off down the body as well as over the head... but I bet there’s a few who are 40 and jaded like me   just think of all the extra skills you have, like planning a weeks worth of meals from mince.

#18 kerilyntaryn

Posted 08 November 2018 - 11:21 PM

My 13 year old doesnt have any complaints about my age and I was a few weeks short of my 40th when I had her

#19 BECZ

Posted 08 November 2018 - 11:50 PM

Whatever decision you make, you have no need to feel guilty, but in regards to your age, it’s pretty common to have kids in your 40’s these days.  
Like PP’s have said, its normal to feel exhausted, I don’t think age makes much difference there either.

All the best, whichever way you decide to go.

#20 Rhoxie

Posted 09 November 2018 - 12:07 AM

I'm  41 and expecting my 4th in about 6 weeks time. Please do get your iron checked as mine was significantly liw and it can impact on your energy levels. I don't know how to reassure you but I  do believe that age is just a number. Your kids won't notice your age. What kids notice is time spent and love. If you feel you have those to give then just do your best to keep yourself healthy and active and everything will be just fine.

I had my first baby at 20....the first trimester exhaustion was just the same then but it's weirdly enough turned out to be my best pregnancy so far...apparently Ive got that ellusive glow  that people talk about...finally  4th time lucky!😄 The last three times I've been a swollen,  emotional, sweating mess by trimester 3 !.

#21 MwahMum

Posted 09 November 2018 - 05:47 AM

Thanks for all the responses.

And the understanding.

Appreciate hearing from you all.

It's helped me pinpoint one of my areas of angst. Having moved from a capital city,  where 40 was seen as fine and normal (as many of you have mentioned) I'm now living regionally, where the norm is young mums (youth and young). I've felt old in waiting rooms gor scans and haven't had an appointment where my age hasn't come up.

I thought I was pretty good for my age, but its hard holding on to that surrounded by such youth.

#22 Popper

Posted 09 November 2018 - 06:06 AM

 gcmum11, on 08 November 2018 - 09:13 PM, said:

In my area 38 to 42 seems to be a really  standard age to have the final child. Being 51 with a 10 year will be perfectly normal!

Agree! In our postcode I am a very young mum at 36 with a 7yo and 3yo. I don’t see OP’s situation as being anything but normal these days.

One of our close friends is a father to 9 & 7yo and early 50’s. He is an awesome, active Dad and is more aware of his age so puts in the effort now to surf, skate, camp, play footy, etc, while he can.

Should also mention we are regional/rural NSW.

Edited by Popper, 09 November 2018 - 06:08 AM.

#23 HippyDippyBaloney

Posted 09 November 2018 - 07:07 AM

My mum was between 38 and 43 when she had all 4 of her kids. I never felt any resentment or anything about her being an ‘older’ mum, and my siblings have never said anything of the sort either. She was an awesome mum.

Edited by HippyDippyBaloney, 09 November 2018 - 07:07 AM.

#24 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 09 November 2018 - 07:43 AM

Im 41 and pregnant with number 3 and work equivalent hours to you but over 5 days. My older 2 are school age.  I cant speak for everyone else but this pregnancy is about 500000000x easier than my second pregnancy so far as I dont have a toddler and my body had time to repair between this pregnancy and the last. So in that respect I don't think its the age that's the cause of the tiredness.

In terms of feeling old in your 40s I think its an individual thing. Im very fit and go to the gym every day, DH and I eat well and dont smoke (or drink too much). Several of our friends compete in high level sport still in their 40s/50s.

Other things like knees and backs however DO make themselves known in their 40s  in my experience. But we also have the  hindsight/ wisdom  now to take these things seriously and go to the physio and follow their advice :p

Among our peer group we are not particularly old - my cousin is a year older and also pregnant.

Anyway, you are not alone on EB!

#25 gc_melody

Posted 09 November 2018 - 07:44 AM

 BECZ, on 08 November 2018 - 11:50 PM, said:

Whatever decision you make, you have no need to feel guilty, but in regards to your age, it’s pretty common to have kids in your 40’s these days.  
Like PP’s have said, its normal to feel exhausted, I don’t think age makes much difference there either.

All the best, whichever way you decide to go.

This. All the best with your decision OP. I hope you didn't feel any pressure from my post. I thought age and tiredness was your only worry.

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