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thanks for your advice everyone!

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52 replies to this topic

#1 123Babies4Me

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:11 AM


Edited by 123Babies4Me, 19 December 2018 - 07:04 AM.

#2 literally nobody

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:13 AM

why are 2 cars needed to pick up a cake?

Id be upfront and honest about her expectations, and say you can help a little bit but not to that extent.

#3 elmo_mum

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:16 AM

i would help with dress, and stuff you can do
but aking you drive 2 hours to pick up a cake?? umm - thats a no from me

if it was on your way, sure......

#4 mintpatty

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:24 AM

There's no way I'd drive 2 hours to pick up a cake, bridesmaid or not.  She can pay to get it delivered (I say this as a cake decorator).  I picked up my own cake and delivered it the day before the wedding.

#5 bakesgirls

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:25 AM

I had a very close friend- probably someone I would have considered my closest friend do something similar. We'd been friends for almost 17 years at the time.

I was not in her wedding party, but she wanted me to do all sorts of wedding related things for her. As it turns out, she didn't have me in her wedding party because I would have ruined the 'aesthetics' of her photos due to me not being slim. I found that treaure out after someone else told me. So I was good enough to run her errands and organise things, but not good enough to be in her wedding party even though she also claimed I was her closest friend.

Maybe I'm cynical OP, due to my own experience, but I think your friend is taking the p*ss here. 2 hours to go pick up her cake? Surely the person making it can deliver it or she can organise for someone (or herself) to get it the day prior?

Tell her you can do some of the things she's requesting, but with 5 kids, you will be unable to drive that far out of your way due to the disruption it will cause.

Edited by bakesgirls, 18 December 2018 - 09:26 AM.

#6 seayork2002

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:28 AM

I can't say there is specific jobs actually dedicated to specific roles in a wedding these days, basically though you either do it or no, IMO

Also IMO if they want a cake 2 hours away it will be a nice bonding experience for the couple getting married to go and collect it themselves!

(mind you my mum had to collect my cake from Sydney Airport but she planned it herself, with our full blessing!)

I would full totally comfortable only helping where I chose to

#7 Hollycoddle

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:32 AM

View Postseayork2002, on 18 December 2018 - 09:28 AM, said:

I can't say there is specific jobs actually dedicated to specific roles in a wedding these days, basically though you either do it or no, IMO

I agree that there aren't really specific tasks expected to be done by member of a bridal party, I thought the purpose of the attendants was just to be present and look pretty on the day?

Having said that, I'd be saying hell no to all of it!  If you aren't good enough to be in the wedding party then you aren't good enough to do the running around so I probably AM saying the bridesmaids should do it lol!

Edited by Mollycoddle, 18 December 2018 - 09:33 AM.

#8 EmmDasher

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:32 AM

Do not touch the cake collection job. One hard brake in the car and it will be your fault if the cake gets ruined. Do what you can and just be honest with her if you can’t do the rest.

#9 Bethlehem Babe

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:34 AM

Um. No.

That’s just nuts. I wouldn’t want to take the risk with the cake in case a bit of it breaks or is damaged during transport.

Maybe to wedding dress shopping.

#10 MrsT2018

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:37 AM

I'd help if there were no bridesmaids - why wouldn't she be asking her bridesmaid? Weird.

Dress shopping I would as its fun and I'd enjoy it.

#11 123Babies4Me

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:50 AM

Sorry, I probably should clarify - it’s not actually a 2hr drive to get the cake...it’s a half hour drive to get the cake and then a 2hr drive from there to the wedding (she lives 2 hrs from me and is getting married there). I think she’s asking me because I live in Sydney and that’s where the cake is being made (not sure why she’s not getting one made closer to home) So a lot of driving with the cake. I’ve told her I’m a bit terrified of ruining it. Apparently we need to take two cars because my other car will be packed to the rafters with kids and stuff.
I think I just need to tread very carefully. I think she sees me as someone who is reliable and organised, and I’m usually quite flexible. But I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

#12 71Cath

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:57 AM

My ex SIL did this to me (she wasn't ex back then).  Good enough to do all the fiddly running around jobs, not good enough to be in the bridal party.  I did it to keep the peace with (then) MIL.

If you don't have MIL guilt dangling over you, I'd tell her to shove it.

And bakesgirls, that is revolting.  But the same reason for me I think.

#13 marple

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:00 AM

I'd say " Sorry no can't pick up the cake.Car is completely full and likely as not one of the kids will sit on it, you'll have to find someone else". Surely other people are coming from Sydney.
Go to the dress shopping if that's your thing.( Can't think of anything worse personally).
Tell her the hens night is organised by the bridesmaid and you are looking forward to it but need a bit of notice so you can sort the kids.
Sounds like a pain in the neck. Good luck.

#14 Oriental lily

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:06 AM

Sometimes bridesmaids are chosen for political family reasons . Not necessarily those emotionally closest to them .

I think asking minor ‘fun things’ like helping with dressshopping, helping colour themes ect ect is what a good friend does . But even if you were a bridesmaid the cake request is just to demanding . So politely say it’s impossible.

I think the ‘role of the bridesmaid’ is a bit old fashioned . The tradition was for young unmarried relatives to do it .

Now it’s more of a ‘right hand man’ . Which only works if the bridesmaid want to do that role !

Basically I think it’s complicated .

#15 seayork2002

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:07 AM

I help people who genuinely need it ie i know enough about them to know they are not being 'bridezilla' so if I want and can I help. If not I am perfectly fine with saying no.

#16 Jingleflea

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:11 AM

"Sorry, that doesn't work for me"

Repeat till the message sinks in.

A friend of Dh got married and the cake maker(friend) was interstate and offered to make it and bring it 2 states away by plane.

But it was too big for one person so other guests ended up with wedding cake tiers on their laps on the plane.

#17 EmmDasher

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:19 AM

I missed the hens bit. Whether or not I was willing to agree to that would depend very much on her expectations. If she just wants to have a relaxing weekend at the beach with a few of her nearest and dearest...maybe I’d help the other bridesmaid. But if it’s that simple, why would the other bridesmaid need help?

If she’s expecting some sort of blog/Instagram worthy weekend party blow out, screw that!

#18 MrsT2018

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:20 AM

Actually... how are you meant to oraginise a hens do for a place 2 hours away?

#19 Hands Up

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:39 AM

No way to the cake. Say you want to take one car only and it’s best a professional does it as what happens if something goes wrong?

Explain hens is organised by the bridesmaid. Help with the dress shopping if you actually want to.

She’s taking the mickey.

#20 AllyK81

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:41 AM

Do you not want to do it?

Or would you want to do it if you were a bridesmaid?

I don’t really get the whole ‘bridesmaid’ role. I didn’t have any bridesmaids and neither did any of my friends. Nor did I really ask anyone to do anything.

Just help where you can and where it works for you and politely say when it doesn’t. Isn’t that what you do whether you are a bridesmaid or not?

#21 Tokra

Posted 18 December 2018 - 11:06 AM

I would say no to the cake. I wouldn't want that kind of responsibility to be honest.

View PostJenflea, on 18 December 2018 - 10:11 AM, said:

A friend of Dh got married and the cake maker(friend) was interstate and offered to make it and bring it 2 states away by plane.

But it was too big for one person so other guests ended up with wedding cake tiers on their laps on the plane.

WTF lol.

#22 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 18 December 2018 - 11:32 AM

You say “I’m so excited about you getting married! I really want to help out, but as you know, with 5 kids I’m not going to be able to help as much as I want to. But I can wrangle some babysitting favours and help you out with (pick thing that you can do).”

Are you a SAHM? She might think you have endless time to do stuff :rofl:

#23 4kids mostlysane

Posted 18 December 2018 - 11:40 AM

I was a pseudo "mother of the bride" for a friend who got married nearly 20 years ago now.... her mum thought the whole concept of a wedding was a ridiculous waste of money and was barely ever seen out of tracksuit pants so had no idea about dresses etc.  She was from o/s so had two o/s friends fly to Aus to be bridesmaids and had the groom's 2 sisters also as bridesmaids.  I wasn't in the wedding party (but was MC at the wedding).

But I didn't pick up the cake for her !!! (Still remember my mother and I picking up my wedding cake and her driving at about 40kms/hr (in Sydney) to get it from the maker's house to her place!) That was only a 20 min trip - my heart couldn't take a 2 hour trip!

#24 SkeptiHandsOnMum

Posted 18 December 2018 - 12:05 PM

Perhaps her one bridesmaid has been selected for political reasons and she is feeling guilty that you are not her bridesmaid and is trying to include you. Set boundaries around what you can and cannot do based on your capacity, not your exclusion from the "bridesmaid role".

I would certainly take the dress shopping as a compliment.

#25 Heather11

Posted 18 December 2018 - 12:17 PM

Does the bridesmaid live two hours away too?  Maybe your friend is doing dress shopping in Sydney and the bridesmaid can't make it?  Maybe she wants the hen's night in Sydney too and the bridesmaid is not privy to what is available.

Obviously you are closer to be able to collect the cake, however, if it will mean you have to take two cars then I would decline.

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