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Family not accepting pregnancy


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#1 Mumof3specs

Posted 23 December 2018 - 08:19 PM

I'm having a stressful time.

I am 6 weeks pregnant (planned) with my fiance. I have 3 children from previous marriage. All have ASD with different levels. I have not told my children or family about my pregnancy because it will not be accepted well. My mother will be upset I am adding another baby to my already busy and sometimes stressful life. My children do not want another sibling. My 13 year old daughter told me tonight if we have another child she will move to her dads :( I am trying not to stress but I feel the whole world is against this pregnancy except me and my partner. We wanted so much to have a child of our own. He has 3 kids also (Don't live with us) and his family will also not accept this pregnancy. I feel like I'm being selfish keeping this baby, selfish being happy.

I really don't know what to do......

#2 Mishu

Posted 23 December 2018 - 09:16 PM

I'm so sorry you are stressed - I think this time of year makes everything harder too. My only suggestion is to see if you can talk to a professional - about how you are feeling but also about how you can deal with your family when you tell them your news.

Also - congratulations!

#3 Moo-me

Posted 23 December 2018 - 09:18 PM

They’ll probably change their tune by the time the baby comes?

#4 Jingleflea

Posted 23 December 2018 - 09:29 PM

You wanted the baby, your partner wanted the baby.
You keep the baby. It's NO ONE'S business but yours.


Teenagers are notoriously self centered so she'll get over it.

Congrats!

I'd be saying "This is our decision and our choice and we'd like you to respect it". Then change the subject.

#5 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 23 December 2018 - 09:56 PM

Congratulations first of all. I'd just like to echo some previous responses, that your family, including your daughter, will come around to the idea of a brand new baby. I also think that any reservations your mother might have could be seen as concerns for her own child (you OP) and the addition of a seventh child into the mixture. I'm sure that the excitement you and your partner are feeling will rub off onto the rest.

#6 opethmum

Posted 23 December 2018 - 10:31 PM

Congratulations, a baby is a blessing and don't let any one tell you differently. Don't pay heed to your daughter, she has no choice in the matter and does not have a dog in the fight when it comes to things like this, for her it is about controlling her environment and she will get over it in time. If she does not then that is her choice to be like that and that is sad but do not let her make you feel guilty.

As for others unless they are going to have the baby and parent the child day in and day out they have nothing to complain about. They need to get over themselves and in most cases they will come around and love your child. If they don't it is their loss and they need to have a trip to Bunnings and get some wood to build themselves a bridge to get over it and if your that way inclined you hope they trip on an onion piece with their bunnings snag.

#7 Nobodyelse

Posted 23 December 2018 - 11:12 PM

Your body. Your choice.

Congratulations OP! Your DD will come around. My brother didn't want our little brother either. They're best buds now!

#8 just roses

Posted 23 December 2018 - 11:37 PM

OP, do you think your family might worry that you are rushing things and have concerns about your fiance?

Your baby and your relationship are not the same thing. You can keep the baby and not the relationship, if it comes to that.

If you think they just object because your three kids have special needs - and you know you will cope - then just stay strong and set some emotional boundaries to protect yourself.

As for your 13 year old, do you know why she objects so much? Is it the typical 'teenager embarrassed about their mother having a new baby' or is there more to it? Keep communication open and try to get to the bottom of it. That doesn't mean she gets a say in you having a baby, but her concerns need to be heard.

Edited by just roses, 24 December 2018 - 01:14 AM.


#9 Jem80

Posted 24 December 2018 - 06:31 AM

Congratulations OP.
But I do disagree with the poster who says the 13yo DD doesn't have a dog in this fight.

In big families, particularly families where children have SN quite often (and I'm not saying this is the case with the OP as I don't know her personally) the older children are expected to help out with childcare and housework substantially more than in smaller families. Also, she may be grieving as she knows she will lose some time and attention from her mum. That's a big deal to a young girl.
It's wonderful that you are having this much loved and wanted baby OP, and your family and kids will come around.
But please don't dismiss the genuine feelings of an older child.

#10 Jem80

Posted 24 December 2018 - 06:41 AM

Congratulations OP.
But I do disagree with the poster who says the 13yo DD doesn't have a dog in this fight.

In big families, particularly families where children have SN quite often (and I'm not saying this is the case with the OP as I don't know her personally) the older children are expected to help out with childcare and housework substantially more than in smaller families. Also, she may be grieving as she knows she will lose some time and attention from her mum. That's a big deal to a young girl.
It's wonderful that you are having this much loved and wanted baby OP, and your family and kids will come around.
But please don't dismiss the genuine feelings of an older child.

#11 opethmum

Posted 24 December 2018 - 07:19 AM

Yes the older child has feelings, but in reality she can not control the actions of her parents neither should her feelings about younger siblings coming on the scene be allowed to control the parent. I have SN kids and to let them control the family dynamic is not on, yes you make allowances but dictating terms of expanding the family is not their domain and should never be so. It is up to the parent to prepare the child but not kow tow to the child and give their bodily autonomy over to a child who is still self centred and does not see the world around them.

Yes she will lose attention but it is up to the parent to make time and yes I am quite aware of what it takes of raising a large family as I am from one and raising one myself. To allow one child to take over and be dominant is not fair on the other siblings and in time she will get time with her mother but she needs to pull her head in. I am not saying her feelings don't matter however she needs to be able to put things in perspective, she is older and perhaps this may be a catalyst to getting her to be bigger than herself and a time of growth for her.

Good luck op.

#12 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 24 December 2018 - 07:33 AM

At the end of the day it’s your body, your choice but a baby is not always a blessing and it does affect other members of the family to varying degrees.

I personally don’t think it should just be oh well the parents want it, so that’s it especially when special needs are in the mix but that just not how we choose to do things.

I know people like to believe that people will just love the baby when it arrives but that’s not always how it goes. A baby can add to a family in extreme ways and sometimes they will destroy what was once a reasonably harmonious unit.

Good luck with the decision OP, I am sure it will work out in the end.

#13 Mumof3specs

Posted 24 December 2018 - 09:36 AM

Thank you everyone,

My DD came to me last night after our discussion about adding another child to the mix and asked if I hate her. I said of course not why? And she said because she tells me how she feels. And then went on to say 'because I only want my 2 siblings'. I told her we wont discuss this anymore tonight and went to bed.
My relationship with my partner has only been a year. But we made the decision to have a baby together quickly because of our age and not wanting to wait too much longer. So from the family's point of view yes everything probably looks rushed. But this is what we want, and we believe we can make it work. But how can we convince them? Nothing I say to my daughter seems to convince her another sibling would be good. I want her to see it as an exciting thing :(

#14 just roses

Posted 24 December 2018 - 10:10 AM

View PostMumof3specs, on 24 December 2018 - 09:36 AM, said:

Thank you everyone,

My DD came to me last night after our discussion about adding another child to the mix and asked if I hate her. I said of course not why? And she said because she tells me how she feels. And then went on to say 'because I only want my 2 siblings'. I told her we wont discuss this anymore tonight and went to bed.
My relationship with my partner has only been a year. But we made the decision to have a baby together quickly because of our age and not wanting to wait too much longer. So from the family's point of view yes everything probably looks rushed. But this is what we want, and we believe we can make it work. But how can we convince them? Nothing I say to my daughter seems to convince her another sibling would be good. I want her to see it as an exciting thing :(
I think some family counselling might help.

Your 13 year old has had a lot to deal with. How long has your partner been living with the family? Does he get on with your kids?

A family therapist will provide a safe place for your kids to raise their concerns, for you to reassure them and for you and your partner to set some ground rules or expectations with them so that everyone feels heard.

#15 born.a.girl

Posted 24 December 2018 - 10:10 AM

I don't know that there's a way you can convince them.

Unless you're mother's giving you significant support (and it does therefore impact on her) then just keep repeating 'we're really happy about it' to ANY and EVERY comment.


With your daughter, I can only suggest you keep saying that she will be as loved as ever, and it's your experience of parenting them, that makes you love the idea.

I think 'wanting' her to see it as an exciting thing is setting your expectations too high.  Just helping her accept it, and hoping that when they baby's born they'll develop a lovely bond is as much as you can expect at this stage.

Set your expectations lower, and they're more likely to be met. (Sorry, that sounds negative, but it's really only the positive side of 'set your expectations too high and they'll never be met'.)

#16 JRA

Posted 24 December 2018 - 10:20 AM

Congrats on the pregnancy.

I must admit I can understand everyone's concern. It is a very new relationship to rush in and have a child. Most people cannot imagine being ready to have a child with someone after such a short time, so part of it will be projecting that.


There is also the complexity that there six children in the family dynamics already.

What is your daughter's relationship like with your partner? Does he live with you?  

She may well move to her father's, and that is ok, because he is her parent as well (assuming he is not abusing her etc). At 13 her wishes also come in to where she lives.

#17 bubba boo

Posted 24 December 2018 - 10:26 AM

Don't worry about convincing your family. Its their choice how they react to your news. All you can do is respect their right to an opinion and confidently say what you have said here this is what we want and we can make it work. Do it in a letter if need be. I used a poem that told family to take some time and call us when they were ready to celebrate the news with joy. Give your daughter time and alot of love. Don't shut her down, let her talk, you don't have to like what she says but she needs to know that you have heard her (not agreed with her but listened).

Edited by bubba boo, 24 December 2018 - 10:28 AM.


#18 seayork2002

Posted 24 December 2018 - 11:07 AM

I will not change this for a second and i love my mum more than anything in the world but my sister was born when i was 13 so my school holidays was spent looking after her, i do not for a second regret it and not saying you will do this but maybe think what effect another child will have on the current ones?

#19 IamzFeralz

Posted 24 December 2018 - 11:28 AM

You mentioned in a fairly recent past thread that your new partner has some anger issues that was starting to be directed toward the kids.  Is that possibly behind some of your 13 year olds underlying concerns?





#20 bearosauraus

Posted 24 December 2018 - 11:41 AM

I think that making sure everyones feelings are validated is important.  Whilst it is your decision, I can see why people/family might have some concerns given the short relationship and amount of kids involved.

#21 Freddie'sMum

Posted 24 December 2018 - 11:57 AM

You can't make someone "excited" about your pregnancy.  Being 13 is tough and it sounds like there have been big changes in her life over the last year.

Good luck to you and your partner OP.  I second the suggestion about getting family counseling so everybody's voices are heard.

#22 darcswan

Posted 24 December 2018 - 11:58 AM

Have some empathy for your daughter. She’s had a lot of upheaval! The separation from her father, a new man who she hears you fight with, 3step siblings and now a new baby.

It might not fit into to your fantasy of a happy new family, but you’ll need to be patient with her. Reassure her you love her, that you’ll always be there for her and don’t force her excitement.

That’s really the same for your family too. You can’t control their reaction more than they can control your decision. Just reiterate your happiness and try to surround yourself with those who are excited for you

Edited by darcswan, 24 December 2018 - 01:12 PM.


#23 PhillipaCrawford

Posted 24 December 2018 - 12:09 PM

My eldest is 101/2 years older than his sister.
While DD2 was desperately wanted by all DS wanted a baby brother and DD a sister. Both were so set on it we found out the sex so we could tell them.

He was devastated, wept, didn't talk to us, climbed a tree and had to be talked down. Constantly told us of his grief that DD1 was getting a friend and he wasn't getting a little mate. I was really worried.

Both our older kids were at the birth and when DD2 was 24 hours old he was hanging adoringly over the cradle and telling her she 'wasn't too bad for a girl'.

Your DD is obviously more distressed but perhaps when the pregnancy is a reality to her rather than just a fantasy she will be more accepting?

#24 marple

Posted 24 December 2018 - 12:36 PM

Is your DF going to stick around ?

#25 But seriously

Posted 24 December 2018 - 12:44 PM

My sympathies are with your DD. Within a year you have a new partner and are bringing a new sibling into her world when you have already brought in 3 stepchildren along with a stepfather. And you expect her to be excited? Try and put yourself in her shoes. And I would expect your family to be a bit concerned.




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