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When you change your mind .. and want a second?


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#1 JomoMum

Posted 28 December 2018 - 06:12 PM

What was your experience of initially deciding one child was enough for your family, but changing your mind and wanting a second?

Was your partner in the same place? Did you go through with adding another child?

Would love to hear your thoughts :)

#2 PooksLikeChristmas

Posted 28 December 2018 - 06:26 PM

We both always said we wanted 2. But a difficult pregnancy and early period put me off entirely. My partner was patient but began pointing out things like how things had gotten easier, things might not be the same again, our relationship was really good again, and I guess as terrified as I was that desire for another was strong and I just closed my eyes and jumped off the springboard.

I went off and back on the pill. The second time After going off the pill I panicked and thought I’d go back on it after my first period, but it didn’t come and I was pregnant already with DD.

#3 born.a.girl

Posted 28 December 2018 - 06:48 PM

I thought I would be happy with one - I wasn't someone who'd always wanted kids, but realised at some point I would like to have the parenting experience, and hopefully another close adult to share later years with.

After her, though, I very, very, very much wanted more, and I doubt even one more would have kept me completely happy.

Unfortunately my (unrelated to fertility) health meant that it all going to hell in a handbasket after she was born in a nice calm caesar (due to the risk) meant that my husband was the one having to call people and tell them that it was touch and go, and there were 'no guarantees'.   I don't remember any of that.  Lovely morphine.   He was adamant and stuck to his guns, saying 'better one child with a mother than two children and no mother', and who can argue with that?

It took me until 45 to accept it (late to menopause, still ovulating each month), and went through a little bit of grief again about it at 52 when the condition was diagnosed and cured.

Probably not much help given individual circumstances matter so much, and I know that there are people who'd give their right arm to have one, so am happy where I am now.

#4 Crombek

Posted 28 December 2018 - 07:20 PM

After initially wanting 3 & finding DS1 so difficult that I decided I was 1 & done I accidentally fell pregnant when he was 18 months old. DH had always been on board for 2, but was also fine with 1. I lost that pregnancy, panicked & was pregnant the next cycle. Then *really* panicked!. DS2 was an absolute blessing though, it has been so good for my mental health to parent 2 totally different personalities. We enjoyed it so much we did indeed go back for 3. If DS2 has been a girl though DH would never had agreed to a third though. It took us a whole year longer to debate her though.

#5 born.a.girl

Posted 28 December 2018 - 08:19 PM

View PostCrombek, on 28 December 2018 - 07:20 PM, said:

After initially wanting 3 & finding DS1 so difficult that I decided I was 1 & done I accidentally fell pregnant when he was 18 months old. DH had always been on board for 2, but was also fine with 1. I lost that pregnancy, panicked & was pregnant the next cycle. Then *really* panicked!. DS2 was an absolute blessing though, it has been so good for my mental health to parent 2 totally different personalities. We enjoyed it so much we did indeed go back for 3. If DS2 has been a girl though DH would never had agreed to a third though. It took us a whole year longer to debate her though.


I know this is a bit off topic (sorry OP) but as a parent of one, I find it fascinating to imagine myself having a second child with a totally different personality, and possibly looks.

I wonder how differently I might have parented the first (with 'issues' and nothing like me academically, but very much like her father, as it turned out) if I'd had a second child who was quite different, and could see it wasn't parenting causing the issues.   I just assumed if I'd parented differently, she have been different.

#6 Crombek

Posted 28 December 2018 - 08:25 PM

Oh dear I’ve just noticed my blatant ‘though’ abuse. sorry OP, I may be a few wines in.

#7 Coffeegirl

Posted 28 December 2018 - 08:38 PM

I was adamant after one, that I didn’t want another.   Sleep deprivation, changes to our finances, I felt very isolated as well (new town, no friends or support)

Then we moved, I had a support system again,  started sleeping,  and we decide on a second.


When second was 3-4 years old, we looked at adopting as I was told I shouldn’t have another for health reasons.  But the cost and time, and all the buracacy was too much for us.

Now our oldest is 18 and DH and I have started thinking about a third.    Crazy?  Maybe.  Can we adopt being this old?  I don’t know.

#8 Sincerely

Posted 28 December 2018 - 10:14 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 28 December 2018 - 08:19 PM, said:




I know this is a bit off topic (sorry OP) but as a parent of one, I find it fascinating to imagine myself having a second child with a totally different personality, and possibly looks.

I wonder how differently I might have parented the first (with 'issues' and nothing like me academically, but very much like her father, as it turned out) if I'd had a second child who was quite different, and could see it wasn't parenting causing the issues.   I just assumed if I'd parented differently, she have been different.

My first two were total, polar opposites as infants. DD1 seemed a perfect baby from the outset (she was very alert but never cried), whilst almost every parenting technique I tried with DS, failed. Staff would rush to welcome us at our regular restaurants so they could cuddle DD1 as an infant, but we stopped eating out after a couple of disastrous outings with number 2. So by the third child, I firmly believed kids are (mostly) going to develop according to their own invisible blueprint, regardless of how they are parented in the early stages, so I saw/see parenting mainly as a supportive, facilitative role.



#9 Ellie bean

Posted 28 December 2018 - 10:21 PM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 28 December 2018 - 08:19 PM, said:




I know this is a bit off topic (sorry OP) but as a parent of one, I find it fascinating to imagine myself having a second child with a totally different personality, and possibly looks.

I wonder how differently I might have parented the first (with 'issues' and nothing like me academically, but very much like her father, as it turned out) if I'd had a second child who was quite different, and could see it wasn't parenting causing the issues.   I just assumed if I'd parented differently, she have been different.
We parent our two pretty similarly (some small adjustments) and they’re so different in so many ways. It’s quite remarkable really.

#10 JomoMum

Posted 30 December 2018 - 07:50 AM

Thanks ladies. It’s interesting understanding the process you’ve gone through.
Our DS is just 5 and starting school next year. We always said we would discuss it again when he started school as we weren’t keen before.
After some serious health issues 12 months ago, im in such a good place now and I have just started to get that yearning, I haven’t had it since DS was born. DH is in two minds about it. Concerned about finances, our relationship (we separated for 6 months when DS was 1). And I understand his concerns. And without wanting to dismiss them, don’t feel that they’re relevant anymore. I would happily go without holidays or new cars or other luxuries to have another family member. And our relationship has been so much better since we reconciled and sought help from a psychologist.
It’s just difficult being in two different places about it.

#11 Hummingbird82

Posted 30 December 2018 - 10:59 PM

After initially hoping for a large family, we had DS after a miscarriage and a few years being unable to get pregnant. DS was a high needs baby who didn't sleep, struggled with the sensory world around him, was non verbal until 2 1/2 and struggled with pretty much everything! He was only just fully toilet trained last year at six and I will never forget that feeling of relief. He was also diagnosed with ASD and this resulted in us being estranged from my in laws (who we were previously close with) and he didn't sleep through the night for three years, we both worked shift work jobs and had no family support.

So I was always very wary about having a second but my DH was always adamant he wanted more. I resigned from my job in 2016 to be able to give our DS days at school without before and after school care every day. I started to have more time and more space to entertain another child. I was still worried about having another child with ASD and not being able to cope and also was worried about whether our relationship would survive as my DH and I nearly separated when our son was little.

Anyway, I got pregnant in March 2017, then had a miscarriage. Then decided to try again and was pregnant in September. Our beautiful daughter was born in May and she has been the most amazing addition to our family. She sleeps (!) Is very easy going and is the opposite of DS as a baby. Totally different temperament. I'm so glad I was able to quit work so that I could have a second child.

I've been where you are OP and it's really hard. It's a leap of faith I think. Good luck with your decision.

#12 c.sanders

Posted 31 December 2018 - 12:39 AM

Babies are deceptively cute.   I love mine right now because they are all asleep...

I have to admit that babies change relationships in ways you can't imagine. Ours was pretty bad with ds1 but much better with ds2 and not so great now with ds3. But it's possible I've checked out a little bit with dh to keep myself from getting hurt.  I do really love my life and my kids and it's hard work and frustrating as hell but then something happens and it feels worth it again.  Today dh found a bunch of my letters to him from when I was 17 and kept them to read in private. He really liked finding them and it was sweet.  But that me was a different girl.

Anyway I digress. Kids are a rollercoaster but you have to own your decision so if that's what you want you will make it work.

Edited by c.sanders, 31 December 2018 - 12:39 AM.


#13 cvbn

Posted 31 December 2018 - 09:34 AM

edit :yes:

Edited by cvbn, 31 December 2018 - 01:07 PM.


#14 JomoMum

Posted 31 December 2018 - 11:18 AM

View Postc.sanders, on 31 December 2018 - 12:39 AM, said:

Babies are deceptively cute.   I love mine right now because they are all asleep...

I have to admit that babies change relationships in ways you can't imagine. Ours was pretty bad with ds1 but much better with ds2 and not so great now with ds3. But it's possible I've checked out a little bit with dh to keep myself from getting hurt.  I do really love my life and my kids and it's hard work and frustrating as hell but then something happens and it feels worth it again.  Today dh found a bunch of my letters to him from when I was 17 and kept them to read in private. He really liked finding them and it was sweet.  But that me was a different girl.

Anyway I digress. Kids are a rollercoaster but you have to own your decision so if that's what you want you will make it work.

Thanks Sanders x
It’s only now that DS is 5 that I can possibly imagine having another baby. I don’t enjoy that stage and wanting a cute little baby is actually not the reason at all I’m feeling this way :( because I need to think beyond those first few (potentially more difficult - they were in DS’s case) early years and think of our bigger family picture x

#15 PandoBox

Posted 24 February 2019 - 07:55 AM

DH and I have always wanted 2 or 3 kids even. After a horrible pregnancy we have DD who is 16m and I now can't picture another.  The heart wants another still for sure but every other tired cell in my body is saying wait till she's 5(at least) .The clock is ticking but DD was not the easiest baby and it doesn't look like she will be an easy toddler either. :yawn:

#16 Little boys rock

Posted 24 February 2019 - 04:43 PM

I was never maternal so thought I would only have one child too.  He was an absolute dream baby but I had a lot of trouble adjusting to motherhood, i was happy with just the one child. As he became more independent i started to long for another child, it was bizarre & unexpected! I waited 4 years to be sure the feeling wasn’t fleeting & well he now has an adored little brother. I’m so so glad I went ahead with a second child for so many reasons. I’ve loved parenting second time around & found two easier than one:)

#17 José

Posted 24 February 2019 - 06:36 PM

babies can put such strain on relationships. the lack of sleep doesnt help either!
if you've had a relationship difficulties in the past id think carefully about the impact and stress of a baby on your relationship.

#18 Octopodes

Posted 24 February 2019 - 07:18 PM

I go through stages where I get this desire for another. It always coincides with the end of a stage for DS. I recognise it for what it is, grief over how fast he is growing up. It has been particularly bad lately because all of my friends from my youth are having their first babies (we started a decade earlier than everyone else) and DS is about to finish primary school. I don't actually want another child, I want to time travel so I can relive each stage with DS. I had the same yearning when he stopped being a baby and then a toddler, preschooler... when he started school... The feeling subsides once I've processed, grieved and accepted the beginning of the next stage. I love it just being the three of us, I feel complete. It just goes by so fast.

#19 lozoodle

Posted 24 February 2019 - 07:51 PM

Mmm I'm not sure. I changed my mind and want a fourth.

But, I have already sent DP to go have a vasectomy five years ago and he won't even entertain the thought of trying so that ship has sailed and I just have to get on with it :)

Its ok to change your mind! Talk about it with your partner and see where you're both at :)

#20 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 24 February 2019 - 07:54 PM

View PostJosé, on 24 February 2019 - 06:36 PM, said:

babies can put such strain on relationships. the lack of sleep doesnt help either!
if you've had a relationship difficulties in the past id think carefully about the impact and stress of a baby on your relationship.

this.

the thought can be quite seductive...i think maybe as humans we are hard wired to yearn for them and see them as cute and cuddly. but yeh...the reality....not so much. i’d always opt for status quo - it invariably won’t be better if you change it.

#21 MadMarchMasterchef

Posted 24 February 2019 - 08:59 PM

View PostEllie bean, on 28 December 2018 - 10:21 PM, said:

We parent our two pretty similarly (some small adjustments) and they’re so different in so many ways. It’s quite remarkable really.

I was just coming on to say the same thing.
Mine have similar interests and end up doing similar things being girls <2 years apart but they have different strengths and different personalities.

#22 MrsT2018

Posted 25 February 2019 - 12:42 PM

View PostJomoMum, on 30 December 2018 - 07:50 AM, said:

Thanks ladies. It’s interesting understanding the process you’ve gone through.
Our DS is just 5 and starting school next year. We always said we would discuss it again when he started school as we weren’t keen before.
After some serious health issues 12 months ago, im in such a good place now and I have just started to get that yearning, I haven’t had it since DS was born. DH is in two minds about it. Concerned about finances, our relationship (we separated for 6 months when DS was 1). And I understand his concerns. And without wanting to dismiss them, don’t feel that they’re relevant anymore. I would happily go without holidays or new cars or other luxuries to have another family member. And our relationship has been so much better since we reconciled and sought help from a psychologist.
It’s just difficult being in two different places about it.

OP, maybe this is a good place to start. Go back to counselling with your DH to work through where you both are at, address his concerns and see where you end up. You don't want to be resentful to DH which is possible if you aren't on the same page. He might grow in confidence in your relationship or you might see his concerns as legitimate?

I've had 2 kids with XH. One was wanted and was so nice to go through the pregnancy feeling supported and that it was  making a family decision - the other was a surprise pregnancy, I felt resented by him, alone, guilty and responsible for 'ruining his plans'. Even though we were married at the time.

Its so much nicer when you can both understand each other.




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